House was nervous as he drove home from the hospital. He'd called Marius, just to make sure that this meeting with Gaius was alright. Marius assured him that both he and Lucius had agreed but asked if House had any real objection to the get together. Other than nerves, he hadn't so he left work early just to make sure the place was tidied up. It was much better now that he'd hired a maid, but he still had a tendency to leave things lying around rather than get up to put them away. He stopped at store to get some good beer first and now that the place had been neatened up and the toilet cleaned, he was sitting at the piano, drabbling at keys in an improvised melody that was as fidgety as he was. Finally, he heard Gaius' knock on the door.

"Gaius," he greeted, stepping aside and opening the door wider to let him in.

"Good evening, House," Gaius greeted him, sliding his messenger bag down to the floor. He looked around, not seeing a dining area. "Shall I put dinner in the kitchen then?"

"Yeah, right through there," House pointed with his cane then closed the door and followed him. "I bought some good beer but I have scotch if you'd rather."

"Beer will be fine," Gaius answered, setting out the food on the counter. "Plates?"

"Second door on the right," House answered, stepping forward to open the silverware drawer and sniffing appreciatively at the aroma as Gaius opened the food containers. "Smells good."

"Marius said that you enjoyed Thai food, so I brought an assortment of dishes."

They dished out their food and settled down on the sofa with a beer.

"How was your day then?" Gaius asked after a moment.

"Good," House shrugged. "Got the department's new budget approved and placed a posting for an executive assistant for diagnostics."

"Previous one moving on?"

"We've never had one before. I had one of the fellows doing parts of the job and ignoring the rest for as long as possible," he admitted. "But now that I'm trying to be more responsible, I thought it would be better to hire someone to do the job than to just ignore it."

"How is the whole responsible adult plan going?" Gaius asked with a smirk, taking a bit slurp of noodles.

"Meh. Better now that I've got the maid and cooking service in place. I tried to do it myself but just couldn't manage to motivate myself to do it."

"Hiring these services done is a good idea. You're busy, have random hours when cases come in I'm told. This way, things will be kept up for you instead of being a burden staring you in the face."

"So, you don't think it's just an excuse to get out of doing it?" he asked cautiously, voicing a concern he'd been harboring.

"No. Why do you think it's an excuse?"

"It's not like I can't do it. It isn't easy and it takes me longer, but I can do it. Especially the cooking."

"Do you hire someone to do your taxes?"

"Uh, yes," he answered, a bit confused.

"And could you do them on your own, even if it wasn't easy and took longer?"

"Yeah, I could do my own taxes."

"Do you think it is a failing to hire someone rather than do them yourself?"

"No. No why would it be?"

"Then if it's not a failing to hire a service to do accounting that you are perfectly capable of, why is it a failing to hire a service do cooking, laundry, and cleaning that you are not, in fact, perfectly capable of doing on your own?"

House started to answer then stopped, really thinking about the question. Gaius watched him closely, seeing in his eyes when an answer began to surface.

"What did you just answer yourself?"

"Because my late step-father would think I was weak and a failure for taking that option instead of toughing it out, manning up, stepping up to the plate, or any other trite cliche you can come up with to make me out as a failure," he said darkly.

"You are not a child living under his roof anymore. You are a very successful doctor. Why do you continue to allow him power over you?"

House set his jaw and said nothing, looking away at the piano. Gaius nodded, knowing this was something to pursue but decided to let him think on it and finish eating his dinner.

"Thorn plays the piano," he offered after a moment. "He particularly like Baroque music pieces. What type of music do you generally play?"

"Jazz and Blues are my favorites," he answered, grasping onto the change of subject like a lifeline. "Thorn is something. A bit intimidating actually," House chuckled.

"He's practiced that art for years now," Gaius smiled.

"He said he's been your sub for years but with that intimidation factor he could easily try for master. Has he ever?"

"Thorn often works with new subs but no, he has stated, numerous times I might add, that he does not wish to become a master. He's happy where he is and helping new subs acclimate. He's very good at it too. He expressed an interest in working with you but was concerned that you would not welcome instruction from him. Not all do. Sam for one. He tolerates Thorn's ministrations with amusement, appreciates his abilities, but does not conceive that he could or needs to learn anything from him."

"Because he's so androgynous?"

"Yes. Sam is hardened by life, streetwise and a bit of a brawler. He's not in a mindset to take instructions from Thorn on very many topics."

"But how does he work with Ekaterina then?" House asked, puzzled at the seeming inconsistency.

"Ah. Ekaterina may be a woman but she is well up to the task of mastering Sam. For one thing, she is trained in martial arts under that well bred lady's exterior and very good with a quarterstaff." He chuckled at House's expression of awe. "Also, she is not at all nervous or hesitant to administer the harsh bondage and discipline that Sam needs. Thorn prefers much more subtle methods."

"That makes more sense then. Remind me never to get on her bad side."

"You may enjoy a session some day, but I agree that you aren't ready for that style quite yet. What do you think about working with Thorn?" Gaius asked, curious whether House would shy away from Thorn as well.

"I uh… I guess I'd want to know what he wanted to do first but I imagine there's a lot he could share that might help us newbies out."

"There is. I'll pass that on to him and ask him to email you some things he'd like to work with you so that you can decide."

After their meal and getting the dishes washed, House turned to face Gaius nervously. "So… what exactly did you have in mind for after dinner?"

"Come sit down again. I want to return to the reason you are letting this man have so much control over your life and your mind."

House grimaced, not wanting to think about it at all. "I go to a psychiatrist for therapy, I don't need an extra session with you," he snapped.

"While it's true that I am not your master, or even officially your backup master, I feel a responsibility to deal with the subject that I brought up. If you don't wish to speak to me, I won't force you to. I will however pass on the conversation to Marius and Lucius for them to follow it up with you," Gaius responded calmly, opening up two bottles of beer and handing one to House before he returned to the sofa and sat down again.

House stood in the kitchen with his beer, staring out balefully at Gaius. He knew that Lucius wouldn't let the conversation go. The question wasn't if he would talk about it but with whom. Slowly he came out of the kitchen and took a seat on the other end of the sofa. Neither man spoke for several minutes, though Gaius had looked over as if to begin a conversation, but seeing that House was deep in thought, he waited for him to speak.

"Deep inside there's this small part of me that still wants to hear him say that he was proud of me. That what I did was good enough to earn his approval. I know, I'm a grown man, I don't need it. And he's dead, so I'm never going to get it. But…" House shrugged helplessly.

"And I've been so… bitter… about what happened. Everything that I lost after the infarction. A whole chunk of my identity got ripped away from me. Life's been incredibly hard. I never had a lot of friends but I've lost most of the ones I had. I lost the woman I was in a relationship with at the time. I feel like "Dr House, Diagnostician" is the only identity I have left that's still worth anything, that I'm still the best at. And if I lose that… and I came damn close to losing it last year… then there's nothing left. No reason to get up, no reason to keep fighting, no reason anyone would want me around," he ground out a harsh chuckle and took several swallows of beer.

"Even with Marius and Lucius, I wonder, what's my place in the clan. Everyone seems to have a role, and I know, I'm new to this and maybe it's too soon to get one, but I keep thinking about it and trying to imagine what it could be, what would make me good enough to be part of this and I keep coming up empty."

"Being so new, you haven't seen what roles are open to you, so I'm not surprised that you aren't sure what your role will become," Gaius said when it became clear that House had finished speaking. "Right now, your place is student. I know it's been a very long time since you've played that role. Perhaps that's why it feels so strange to you. As for the rest… I can begin to understand why you find yourself feeling torn asunder until you aren't sure of who you are anymore. Not deeply and intimately but enough to acknowledge the truth of it. And all children long for parental approval, no matter how old they are."

"I guess. He didn't like me, he didn't want me. He never approved of anything I did, not even becoming a successful doctor. Maybe it wasn't his approval I wanted. Maybe it was my biological father's. I don't know who he is, so I have no chance of getting it," House said solemnly.

"Hmm. Don't be too eager to leave the role of student and submissive. You may yet find the approval you seek even if not from the man you wish it could be. What else is troubling you? You seem rather distracted and down to me."

"I…" he started then looked down and sighed. "I'm just really starting to realize how far down I went in the years since the infarction and then the addiction problem. It makes me wonder if I was actually stable before the infarction or if I'm fooling myself."

"With what you said about wanting the approval of your father, you clearly had problems before the infarction, then that pulled whatever you had found that gave you self-worth and support out from underneath you. I'm not surprised that you've had an arduous struggle. I am impressed at what you did get back for yourself afterward and that you are still struggling to get more. Don't stop struggling to get more. Keep pressing onward."

House nodded and took a long swallow of his beer. Gaius remained silent, sipping his own beer, letting House just ruminate. This was a far deeper conversation than he had planned for the night after all, but he had followed his instincts and observations.

"Do you play chess?" Gaius asked after a while.

"Yeah, got a board on the bookshelves over there," House answered. Gaius stood up to retrieve it, laying it on the sofa between them.

"White or black?"

"White," House smirked and began laying out the pieces.

They were well matched and played three games which Gaius won two out of three by the slimmest margin and they fell into an easy banter while playing. As the evening drew to a close, Gaius felt confident he'd gotten House back into a calm and stable mindset for the night.

Gaius put the chess set back onto the shelf. "Thank you. I enjoy having a strong opponent. Now for my prize. Seeing that it is nearly 10:30, go use the bathroom and brush your teeth. I'm going to put you to bed," he explained when House gave him a puzzled look.

"To the victor go the spoils," he added when House made a motion to object. "Humor me. I won't do anything that Marius or Lucius wouldn't approve of. Put on your pajamas as well."

House wasn't sure about this but his anxiety was eased by the order to put on pajamas, so he went to grab them and get ready for bed. Gaius came into the bedroom and got the bed turned back and was waiting for him with the messenger bag he'd been wearing when he'd arrived.

"Sit down on the end of the bed," Gaius said, going into the bathroom for a moment and coming back out with a washcloth. He proceeded to very gently wash House's face, hands and feet, the put lotion onto his hands and feet, taking his time to massage each one. He finished with a scalp massage and then used an old fashioned bristle hair brush he pulled out of the bag to brush his hair. House very much enjoyed that, feeling the slight tension headache he'd had all night drain away.

"Alright? Lay down and get comfortable then," Gaius told him when House nodded. He shifted around and got into bed, about to reach for the covers when Gaius picked them up himself.

"Going to tuck me in too?" House smirked.

"Yes, I am," he answered calmly and once House stopped shifting around did just that. "Sleep well. Tomorrow's a new day. I'll see that everything is taken care of and locked up before I leave. Good night" he added, laying a hand gently on House's chest for a moment before turning out the light and heading out into the living room.

"Good night," House said gruffly, feeling a bit emotional about the whole experience. He'd felt a bit awkward at first but it had been simple and completely non-intrusive and … it had felt comforting. Especially after the conversation they'd had earlier that evening. He heard Gaius puttering around in the living room, tying up the trash it sounded like, then switching off lights, and finally he heard the lock turn and the door to his apartment close. He thought he'd stay awake for hours thinking about it but it had been relaxing enough that he actually did fall asleep fairly quickly and slept the whole night.