Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Leisure Suit Larry, or any of the characters from the franchise. I do not fully know how everyone relates to one another, and this work is complete fiction. I am not making any profit on this publication and do this mainly out of a love for the games.
The Spy Who Didn't Shag Me
Chapter 2: Larry's Lost In L.A.
Now, once Larry was at Eve's house, he wasted no time using the last of his funds to settle in at her place. Figuring their fling in Lost Wages meant they were in a serious relationship, and completely clueless about why she didn't leave any of her info (because he's Larry), the first thing he did was to get a locksmith to let him into her place. It should be noted that he managed to contact the most ill-reputed locksmith in Los Angeles, Seamus Hoosebrooker.
It should be noted that Seamus was rather ill-reputed due to his reputation of not asking too many questions when helping people as long as they have the funds to pay his bills. He figures if you can pay his fee, he can do the job for you. He's actually a person of interest in server break-ins, due to the fact that he's quick to offer his services for new locks after a break-in. While none of his clients are known thieves, he is known to help the private investigator population.
That aside, Larry made himself to home, which meant putting his passport down, his only form of identification, his empty wallet, and did what any decent guy should do for his woman and started mowing the lawn. (Honestly, I don't think any guy has arrived at his one-night stand's home and started mowing the lawn. It is so out of sorts, even for a stalker. In fact, mowing the lawn is one of the things that is on the stalker's NOT TO DO list. A copy of the stalker's handbook is actually available at a bookstore that is actually the front for one of the FBI offices.) In Larry's mind, he figured that Eve would be pleasantly surprised by his loving chore.
As it had happened, Larry had done all this while Eve had been out on an errand, one that left one member of Eve's household rather miffed. This also put her in rather an unpleasant mood, and while she was surprised to see Larry mowing her lawn, she wasn't pleasantly surprised. In fact, she was wondering why a strange man whom she barely knew was mowing her lawn. It didn't help matters when Larry apparently exclaimed, "Eve, baby, you're finally home! I've been worried sick about you."
It should be noted that the response to this statement caused a drop in temperature in a mile radius of Eve. Some people were forced to rub their arms because of the sudden drop when Eve said, "Who are you, and why are you mowing my lawn?" There was also a tone in her voice that said there was no possible response that would get Larry out of trouble.
Larry, being Larry, did not realize the danger in Eve's voice. He answered about as honestly as he could in the brief moment he had. "Why Eve! Don't you remember me? It's Larry Laffer. We met in that hot tub in Lost Wages, in your luxury penthouse apartment." To his credit, he said it in a tone that reflected how much he believed that one-night stand was the start of something bigger.
The response from Eve at that moment was enough to make anyone realize that Larry might be on the wrong track (which most of us already knew he was on). "Vaguely." (It should be noted that Eve's tone was also enough to say that Larry's performance that night was not as great as he imagined it was.) "So why are you here?" Those last words were laced with the setup of the turning point in the temperature change that her mood was causing.
To Larry's credit, he was actually realizing how much he misread the one-night fling, as well as Eve's social cues. He was starting to stammer as he responded to the question, hoping his response would return warmth to her voice. "Why, I, um, kinda assumed that when two people are as deeply in love as we…uhh. The natural thing to do was to move in together, and uh, here I am." He tried to smile after saying all that, even though there was a part of him that was inwardly face-palming and whining that he hit himself too hard in the face.
There is such a thing called a conniption. If one did not know what one looked like, or even sounded like, it is possible that one might have thought that Eve was having one when she responded to Larry's statement. "Move in?! YOU CREEP! You've got exactly five minutes to get everything out of my house and out of my life." The anger in her voice was so hot that it caused a drastic rise in temperature in a five-mile radius. This also cause several pipes to crack due to the temperature change. (Plumbers were happy about that, but the sewer workers were pissed.) She then turned to another figure in the car and said, "Brutus! ON GUARD!"
The figure jumped out of the car, and Larry actually recognized the figure. You see, Brutus is a little black dog that while Larry was in Lost Wages, was wandering around the town, marking his territory on every male he came across. Larry, however, was thinking it couldn't be the same black dog.
While Larry was focused on the dog, he heard Eve say, "I'll be back in five minutes, and you WON'T!" It was at that point that Eve pulled out of her driveway and drove to the nearby police station. She figured that it would take that amount of time to charm one of the officers and join her to get Larry out of her life.
During this time, several things happened. First off, Brutus went over to Larry, and once again, marked Larry as his territory. The mark would have stained normal material, but only the smell lingered on Larry's Leisure Suit. Brutus then went to relieve himself on other males in the neighborhood, adding them to his current collection of the vet he was just too, and all the men that were there.
In another part of the world, the vile Dr. Nonookie was arriving back at his lair on Nontoonyt Island. He had brought with him another henchette whom he had demonstrated the smaller version of his devastating device on. It was actually the only version of his device that he had made, which was the prototype. He would have to keep using the ray on his victims, but the time between shots was increasing on the small device. It is also said that this particular henchette was from Petaluma after growing up in Mora, Minnesota. For some reason, she managed to retain some skills in playing the piano (most likely due to it being the prototype).
Not too far from where Larry was currently at, a jail in town that is a suburb of Los Angeles was suffering from the breakout of some criminal known as The Death Angel. Since the man was too focused on settling some scores, Larry was in no danger of encountering this man. (Larry was also in no danger of encountering a former prostitute, which is good since she was dating a police officer in that town.) It is said that the town can be overlooked by someplace in Los Angeles.
Larry, however, took the hint, and figured he should get out of the area, at least for now. He quickly ran into the garage, shaking his leg to get the moisture off of it, and looked around, trying to recall where he placed his passport. His quick survey of the garage managed to overlook it (which is a common occurrence when one is rushing about in a panic, or from a scary monster) but he did manage to spot something green in a pair of pants Eve had left in the garage. Larry quickly nabbed it, bringing his total of funds up to one dollar. Larry then ran away from Eve's place pretty sure his five minutes was almost up.
Larry was right about that, since as he ran northwest from Eve's place, she had returned with the cops. She had given the police a description of Larry, which after the police had heard her, mentally dismissed it since who in their right mind would be mowing the lawn wearing a polyester Leisure Suit in Los Angeles, in this heat. Of those two officers, they agreed that one would go back to the station, while the other would secure the area. That one was the one that Eve had already been flirting with, as she figured she would reward the officer for helping secure her home, as well as convince Larry that she had no interest in him if he was snooping around the windows.
Larry, who did have a bit of self-preservation, was doubled over at the nearby park, catching his breath. While he panted to get his breath back, he inwardly vowed to get in shape, especially as he saw a shapely jogger passing in the park. He then decided that for right now, it was best not to linger around Eve's place, and to go back later to reclaim his passport.
Larry left the park the way he entered it, and then headed north. His walk took him past a music shop that was in the process of setting up. While music was not a strong point, he could invest some time to getting an instrument so he could woo the ladies. He figured it shouldn't be a problem to learn an instrument, since he was practically a virtuoso on the recorder. (Larry was not the only virtuoso on the recorder, but given the simplicity of the recorder, achieving true virtuoso status is hard to achieve without passing out at least three times.) Still, Larry knew that he would not get any instruments with one dollar.
He then reached the KROD television studios. He almost headed in, knowing the station was the home of a lot of programs. One was the Lucky Life Lottery game, whose top prize was a million dollars a year for life. Such a prize would definitely improve his dating options, especially with how much some ladies like money. He also knew the station was the home of the national show The Dating Connection. He heard about the show but didn't think it would have been fair for him to be on the show. He was right, but for the wrong reasons.
He then headed down the street, passing a spectacular view of the city, before reaching an alley alongside a convenience store. For a moment, Larry had to suppress both the strange urge to check the dumpster, and the fear that some goon might come out of the shadows to try and kill him. After that, he braved the alley, walking over to a wooden fence. As he had walked over to it, he could have sworn he saw an eyeball looking through a knothole in the fence. (He wasn't aware of it, but this had been the eyeball of one of the escaped fugitive's victims before he met a rather unpleasant end. He had been looking for help, but saw Larry and figured he wouldn't be a help. He was right.) When Larry looked through the knothole, he could swear he saw police officers, both with the Lytton Police Department logo on their outfits, but nothing more.
Larry left the fence, and decided to enter the convenience store, or in this case, the quickie mart. For a minute, Larry let a little snicker enter in his hopeful head, and when he entered the store, he was even more hopeful that he might be able to get a quickie there as well. (STOP YOUR SNICKERING, YOU IMMAUTRE TWITS. AND WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS.)
You see, the cashier was a rather buxom blonde named Allie Nova. At some point later, she caught the attention of several law enforcement groups due to her crack-shot aiming with her 45's. Rumors even state she eventually changed her name and moved to a big city to fight crime. For now, however, she managed to keep customers in line, and Larry had become the latest one to gain her focus. There was a part of her that was already yelling that he was a grade A creep. It was for this reason that when he walked up to the counter, she said in a lazy Southern drawl, "Howdy. How can a help ya?"
Larry, to his credit (and our amazement), disregarded all the ideas that ran through his head when he saw how she looked, as well as her low cut outfit, and sexy Southern drawl, (which beside from Larry finding all women sexy, and the Southern Drawl is known to be endearing and enticing), and put all those images in his head WHICH I WON'T DESCIRBE BECAUSE OF THOSE READING THIS WHO SHOULDN'T BE, and took notice of the lottery machine. He pointed over to the machine and asked, "Are you still selling tickets for the Lucky Life Lottery game?"
Allie, feeling relieved that this one didn't make any sexual remarks (but still was bracing herself for one), responded by heading over to the machine, and said, "Of course. From what Ah hear, they're still waiting for one more winner for the show. What numbers do ya want?" Allie was already bracing herself for the expected quip of wanting her number.
Larry actually considered responding with asking for her number, but he knew he'd have no success with a lack of funds. Larry rattled off his six favorite numbers, which consisted of at least one square number of a double-digit number, a particular issue of a comic featuring a bikini clad heroine, his favorite version number of his former companies accounting software, as well as their flight simulator, and two three-digit numbers that when placed side by side were the measurements of one gothic themed movie hostess whose alter-ego had the initials C.P. He then slapped his dollar on the counter, and took his ticket, hoping his numbers were the winning numbers.
In all honesty, the number had been lucky, not for him, but for Allie, who watched him leave, thankful he didn't ask for her number, but given how he was gazing at her, wondered how he knew her measurements. She never considered that his uttering her measurements were completely by chance. She was also completely unaware that she had just given Larry Schrodinger's Lottery Ticket.