Chapter 23: No Country For Old Namekians

(scene shows Gohan and Krillin on top of a cliff, overlooking Freeza with his men interrogating a Namekian village)

KRILLIN: Alright, Gohan, keep your power level down.

GOHAN: Well I'm trying, but I can't seem to get it as low as yours, Krillin.

KRILLIN: But I haven't eve- I mean... yeah. Like me.

"Imagine being weaker than the 5-year old," Bickslow laughed.

"Aren't you weaker than Wendy?" Evergreen fixed her glasses.

"She's not five!" Bickslow argued back.

"She's still a child," Evergreen smirked, seeing Bickslow dejected. The mentioned dragon slayer only blushed as her response.

GOHAN: Krillin, look! The Dragon Balls!

KRILLIN: Whoa, those things are huge! AC/DC be damned. Geez. These aliens are scary. Especially that one in the front. Looks like a total F.A.G.

Everyone was taken aback by Krillin's words.

GOHAN: Krillin!

KRILLIN: What? A Freaky Alien Genotype. What'd you think I meant?

"Krillin just saved his own ass," Levy sighed.

"He still could have worded that better," Erza looked disappointed.

GOHAN: Oh, I thought you were calling him a derogatory term for homosexual.

KRILLIN: THAT THING'S A GUY?!

"We wouldn't be able to guess if we weren't told beforehand," Lisanna giggled nervously.

[OPENING SEQUENCE]

(scene shows Dodoria turning his head and looking upward, facing the direction where Krillin and Gohan are hiding)

DODORIA: Hm? What was that?

"Goddammit Krillin," Lucy facepalmed.

(Krillin and Gohan are seen ducking; trying not to get spotted)

KRILLIN: Um... (off-screen) Quack!

DODORIA: Oh, it's just a space duck.

"That worked?" Freed questioned.

MOURI: Who are you?

FRIEZA: Hello. Allow us to introduce ourselves. My name is Frieza, and we're a traveling improv group. Here, let me give you a demonstration. My men shall play a group of drunken sailors, and you're a bunch of baby seals. Aaaand, go. (Zarbon murders two Namekians) Aaand, scene.

"Am I the only one feeling that we weren't prepared for him?" Lucy asked.

"Nope," Gray answered immediately.

"Not at all," Levy answered.

MOURI: What do you want from us? Why are you slaughtering our people?

FRIEZA: Well, you see, I was just in the area and I thought this would be a delightful place for a summer home- what the f**k do you think I'm here for?

"Friendship?" Wendy asked, hopefully.

MOURI: ...Our trees?

FRIEZA: ...Zarbon, two or three more.

ZARBON: Two or three more?

FREEZA: Two or three more.

(Zarbon murders two more Namekians)

The guild's anger at Frieza's disregard of life steadily increased.

FRIEZA: Very good, Zarbon. See, why can't you be more like him, Dodoria?

DODORIA: Sorry. Just listening to the space duck.

KRILLIN: (off-screen) Quack! Quack!

"He's still going?" Lily asked, bewildered.

DODORIA: What a majestic creature.

FRIEZA: Now, then, all kidding aside... Where's the Dragon Ball?

MOURI: We don't have it.

"Even, I know he's lying," Natsu said, in all seriousness.

FRIEZA: You know, I'd be inclined to believe you if the last village elder didn't say the exact same thing... until we killed everyone and tortured the information out of him, of course. It's the darndest thing, too... You're beginning to remind me a lot of him.

"Starting to remind me of people I'd rather forget," Gajeel said.

MOURI: Please. Do not be upset.

FRIEZA: Oh, I don't get upset. I have people to do that for me. Dodoria?

DODORIA: With gusto.

(Dodoria places the two Dragon Balls he is currently holding on the ground. Both Dende and Cargo cling onto Mouri while Dodoria stands up. Mouri glares at Dodoria, preparing for the worst, before Dodoria's scouter starts beeping.)

NAMEKIAN WARRIOR: Stop right there!

(three Namekian warriors arrive at scene)

"Alright! Back up!" Natsu cheered.

"Hopefully they can do something," Lucy prayed.

"I wouldn't be that hopeful," Levy muttered.

FRIEZA: Oh, look, more baby seals.

NAMEKIAN WARRIOR: We're here to stop this senseless slaughter of our people.

FRIEZA: Ninety-two…

"What?" Erza raised an eyebrow.

NAMEKIAN WARRIOR: This has gone on for too long. And now, you're going to pay.

FRIEZA: Three hundred and fifty-five…

"I-I don't get it," Wendy stumbled.

NAMEKIAN WARRIOR: We are... We... What are you...?

FRIEZA: No, go on. Continue. Don't mind me.

NAMEKIAN WARRIOR: And... We are the ones who will stop you.

FRIEZA: Ooh, wow. Four hundred and nineteen.

"Oh I get it," Freed said. Everyone turned to him.

"He's a tyrannical ruler, he's heard these hero speeches before," Freed explained.

"And he's acting like lives are a game," Makarov tightened his grip around his staff.

NAMEKIAN WARRIOR: That's... (record scratch) What the hell are you doing?!

FRIEZA: Oh, sorry, it's a little hobby of mine. I hear these heroic speeches so wearily often. So I've started keeping a mental list of how many times I've heard certain lines.

NAMEKIAN WARRIOR: You... You insane bastard.

FRIEZA: One hundred and ninety.

NAMEKIAN WARRIOR: Yeah? Well, uh, we're going... to... F**K YOUR FACE!

FRIEZA: Ohoho, my! Twelve.

"I'm surprised that's only at twelve," Laxus said.

"I'm sure there are some things he's never heard before," Mira added.

NAMEKIAN WARRIOR: (growls in anger)

FRIEZA: Zarbon, give the command.

ZARBON: Dodoria, give the command.

DODORIA: Get 'em.

(Frieza's soldiers begin charging at the Namekian warriors. The Namekian warriors seem to have the upper hand as they take down some of Frieza's soldiers one by one.)

"They seem to be winning," Wendy smiled.

"They're fighting grunts, not the actual commanders," Gajeel said, making the young Dragon Slayer frown.

GOHAN: Krillin, we have to help them!

"While I love that heart of yours, that idea will get you killed," Mira frowned at Gohan's eagerness.

KRILLIN: Gohan, we need to stick to the plan. Quack!

GOHAN: What plan? You just keep quacking over and over.

KRILLIN: And we're still alive!

"It has been working, weirdly enough," Romeo said.

(The Namekians warriors continue to fight off Frieza's men)

ZARBON: Sir, they seem to be stronger than we thought.

FRIEZA: Oh, how cute. They can hide their little power levels.

(explosion occurs with the scream of an unlucky soldier)

DODORIA: Kinda killing our guys.

FRIEZA: Oh, we have more of those things back at the ship. It's not like we're losing anything valuable.

"He pisses me off," Natsu's fist is smoking dangerously.

(Mouri destroy Dodoria's scouter along with a scouter lying on the ground and a scouter from a dead soldier)

"Good idea, so that they can't detect others," Freed congratulated.

FRIEZA: (closes his eyes and groans)

MOURI: Hah! Now you can no longer find our villages!

FRIEZA: Dodoria. Kill them.

DODORIA: 'Kay.

"This won't be pretty," Lucy hugged Happy.

NAMEKIAN WARRIOR: Come on, bring it! There's three of us, and one of you!

DODORIA: Man, you must suck at math even worse than me.

NAMEKIAN WARRIOR: What do you mean?

DODORIA: There's only TWO of you.

NAMEKIAN WARRIOR: That's not right... (gets impaled by Dodoria) Gaaaaaah!

"HOLY SHIT!" Everyone jumped back at the sudden gore.

(scene shifts to Capsule Corporation with Goku arriving and jumping off Nimbus)

MRS. BRIEFS: (throws a watering can) Goku! It's been too long!

GOKU: Hi there, Mrs. Briefs!

"Bulma's mom looks nice," Gray added, unknowingly irritating Juvia.

MRS. BRIEFS: Oh, Goku, you can call me what everyone else calls me.

GOKU: What's that?

MRS. BRIEFS: MILF. I have no idea what it means, but it's just the cutest little name.

Gajeel shifts his eyes towards Levy and she quickly glares at him.

DR. BRIEFS: Well, you are quite the MILF, honey. Now what are you doing out of the kitchen?

MRS. BRIEFS: Oh, my mistake!

DR. BRIEFS: Remember what I told you, sweetie:

DR. and MRS. BRIEFS: Wives are for kissing, not talking! (both of them start laughing while Goku looks absentmindedly)

"I'm sorry...what?" Evergreen questioned, baffled.

MRS. BRIEFS: Have fun, you two!

GOKU: (entering the spaceship) Wow. Is this the ship?

DR. BRIEFS: Well, Bulma told me to start on it while you were in the hospital. In case anything went wrong.

GOKU: Krillin?

DR. BRIEFS: Krillin. The good thing is it's almost all done.

"Everyone just expects Krillin to get killed," Wendy complained.

GOKU: Wow! This is just the best day ever!

(Scene shifts to Planet Namek with Dodoria headbutting a Namekian warrior into a cliff, killing him. Mouri looks in horror at his fallen comrade.)

"I wouldn't say this is the best day ever," Happy's ears flop down.

DODORIA: Whoops. Looks like I miscounted. I must be having an off day.

FRIEZA: Bravo, Dodoria. (to Mouri) Now, seeing as we have no one left to threaten you with... (notices Dende and Cargo) Oh, wait. What are those adorable little things over there?

"He wouldn't," Erza's glare increased ten fold.

MOURI: You wouldn't...

FRIEZA: They're just so cute, though. I could just pinch their little heads off. Are you going to make me do that? Because at this point I could go both ways.

ZARBON: As could I, Lord Frieza.

"I could go for some of Gray right now," Juvia whispered to herself.

MOURI: (handing Frieza the Dragon Ball) Fine. Here. Take the ball. And leave us be.

KRILLIN: (one of Frieza's henchmen is seen taking the Dragon Ball) See, Gohan? He's handing over the Dragon Ball. Now no one else has to die.

"You opened your mouth Krillin," Carla groaned.

FRIEZA: Oh, just one more question. Could you point us in the direction of the next village? You seem to have destroyed our scouters.

MOURI: That wasn't part of our deal!

"He was never gonna keep it," Lisanna said, angrily.

"The unmanliest of all," Elfman growled.

FRIEZA: And five hundred! (Dende and Cargo start to run away) Dodoria, show them what they've won!

(Dodoria fires a mouth blast at Cargo, killing him. Mouri, Krillin, and Gohan are all horrified at what they had just witnessed.)

"That bastard!" Everyone said at the same time. Watching a child get murdered was never a pleasant thing to watch.

GOHAN: Krillin, he's killing them!

KRILLIN: Happy thoughts, Gohan! Happy thoughts!

"I'm having some very unhappy thoughts right now," Gajeel said.

MOURI: You... You killed my son!

DODORIA: Yeah, sorry about that. How 'bout I do you a favor? (disappears)

MOURI: Huh? (Dodoria appears behind Mouri and murders him by snapping his neck)

DODORIA: There. Now you won't miss him.

The temperature in the guild increases as Natsu's anger grows.

(Gohan is starting to become angry)

FRIEZA: Oh, and while you're at it, could you deal with the rest?

(Dende turns around and starts to run away, but Dodoria easily cuts off his escape. Gohan is seen trying to control his anger)

"They're both gonna snap," Cana says, observing both Gohan and Natsu.

DODORIA: I really do love kids. They don't leave much of a mess.

KRILLIN: (trying to calm Gohan down) Breathe, Gohan. You're a leaf... A leaf in a calm stream...

GOHAN: (pissed) F**K THE STREAM! (leaps from the cliff)

"KICK HIS ASS!" Natsu roared.

DODORIA: The hell was…

(Gohan kicks Dodoria in the face, sending him flying into a Namekian house)

DODORIA: Did I just get hit by a bowl cut?

(Krillin kicks Dodoria in the face and grabs Dende)

KRILLIN: Quack! (both him and Gohan fly away)

"I wanted them to stay and fight," Natsu whined. Lucy rubbed his head to calm him.

"They were outnumbered and outpowered, running away with the kid was the best option," She explained to him. He understood, but that didn't mean he had to like it.

FRIEZA: Zarbon... What the hell was that?

ZARBON: I believe that was the space duck, sir.

"In all of its majestic glory," Freed sang.

(scene shifts to planet Earth with an outside view of a Capsule Corp. spaceship)

GOKU: (walking around inside the ship) This ship is awesome! Now, where's that button that makes blueberry muffins?

"Why would that exist?" Carla wondered.

DR. BRIEFS: There is no button like that. I never even considered that.

GOKU: Are you sure? It'd be really nice to wake up in the morning, push a button, and have muffins. That'd be great. Wink. Wink.

"It would be pretty nice," Lisanna said.

"I could make some muffins as a snack after this," Mira said, making everyone happier after that last scene.

DR. BRIEFS: Dammit, there is no muffin button!

GOKU: Darn. So, is it ready to take off then, Dr. Briefs?

DR. BRIEFS: Goodness no! I still have to install the cappuccino machine!

"That is also unnecessary," Carla huffed.

GOKU: But... But I don't even drink coffee!

DR. BRIEFS: It's not coffee, Goku, it's cappuccino. Now stay here; I need to grab the parts from my shop. Make sure not to touch anything, like the gravity controls. Or the Start button. The Start button. Don't touch... the Start button. Now I'll be right back. (leaves the ship)

"He's gonna press the button," Gray said.

GOKU: Okey Dokey. (after a short pause) I wonder if this is the button. (pushes the Start button, causing the ship to takeoff into space) WHEEEEEEEEE!

"Welp, at least he's going to Namek," Gray sweatdropped.

DR. BRIEFS: No! Goku! He's blasted himself off into space! What has science dooone?! Sweetie, I do not see a sandwich with that beer.

[ENDING SEQUENCE]

[STINGER]

(scene shifts to outer space with Goku's spaceship flying towards the sun)

GOKU: (from inside the spaceship) Mmmm, those muffins smell like they're almost done!

"I should get started on those muffins," Mira said, getting out of her seat.

Chapter End