I thought with all the quarantine and the virus I'd be banging out chapters but it seems that left with only myself to deal with that I'm at loose ends as much as House is. But it seems like progress has been made because creativity is coming back at long last. Here's another installment for you.
The following week dates had been arranged and House put in for five vacation days, wanting to have a little time to himself after the weekend at the farm to think and decompress. But he had to admit that he liked the clan, even the intensely curious Ebonia and Juliana. It was a relief to know that so many different personality types co-existed and seemed to gel together pretty well. He had finished responding to his email and was now throwing and catching his ball with his cane when Chase tapped on the door.
"You've got a visitor," he said with a smirk.
"Who is it?" House asked without looking. "I'm busy."
"Gandalf the Grey from the look of him," Chase responded drily.
He caught the ball and turned, looking beyond Chase to the conference room to see Gyndol standing there wearing a real, honest to goodness cloak and a floppy hat.
House tipped his head to the side, puzzled by the getup but then nodded to Chase, and followed him into the conference room.
"Gyndol," House greeted him. "What are you doing here?"
Gyndol turned and gave him a grin and a wink. "I've come to take you to lunch, my boy. But the spirits say we should ask your young colleague here too."
"They do, do they?" House asked sardonically. "Chase, you want to come to lunch?"
"Ah… no thanks. You two have a nice time," Chase answered, ignoring House's look to please, pretty please join them. "Maybe next time."
"Indeed, I will hold you to that, young Robert," Gyndol said, drawing a startled look from both men, until Gyndol smirked and nodded to the embroidered name on Chase's lab coat.
"Come along, Greg. I have just the spot in mind."
House nodded and followed along, sharing a bemused look with Chase as they left him in the conference room.
"I put in the request for time this morning."
"And do you foresee any reason it will be denied?"
"No. Cuddy's always after me to use up my vacation time every year. Only thing that could realistically interfere is if a case comes up."
"Well, let's hope that's not the case," Gyndol teased, drawing a groan from House. "Now, now, how could I let such an easy one go by?" he added, pushing the elevator button.
Gyndol's choice of clothing drew some funny looks in the elevator. House was about to snap at them but Gyndol lightly touched his arm and shook his head, so he bit his tongue and remained silent all the way to the parking lot.
"Doesn't it bother you? All those weird looks?" House asked as they got into the car.
"No, not at all. Why does it bother you?" Gyndol asked as he started the car and backed out of the parking spot.
"They think you're a crazy weirdo!"
"So do you," Gyndol countered, drawing a sputtered denial from House. "Ah ah, don't lie to your old Pops. You do think that at times and that's perfectly alright. I know that I'm eccentric and quite happy with being that way. It lets me see people for who they really are, you see."
"Because they aren't hiding behind polite behavior?"
"Precisely," Gyndol agreed. "You like to see people for who they really are too, don't you?"
"I guess I do," House agreed after a moment. "I don't have much use for small talk, especially from my patients."
"But small talk tells us a great deal, my boy. More than you are giving it credit for."
"Yeah, well, it's also annoying as hell and I'm often in too much pain to want to take part in it."
"Ah, well that is unfortunate. Are things better now that you're under Sidney's tender care?"
"It is," he nodded.
"That's good to hear. Choose a radio station you like," Gyndol invited.
They drove about ten minutes, Gyndol humming and tapping along with the classic rock station that House had chosen, finally pulling into a park.
"Here we are. There's a bag in the back seat, if you would grab that, I'll get the cooler."
"Are we having a picnic then?" House asked, getting out of the car.
"Yes, we are. You don't mind do you?"
"Nope, that's fine with me," House said as he grabbed the bag then followed Gyndol to a bench that overlooked a pool of water with a fountain running in the center.
After asking House to get a cloth from the bag and spread it out between them on the bench, Gyndol started pulling out the food that he'd brought. There was quite a spread, fresh croissants, finely sliced lunch meats and cheese, grapes, rich crackers with an herbed cheese dip, and sliced vegetables. House nodded and began to make himself a sandwich.
"All this nutritious food, there'd better be a decadent dessert waiting for me," he said, smirking at Gyndol.
"Not unless you eat your vegetables," Gyndol answered, waggling a finger at him in admonishment but he had a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.
They tucked in and ate in companionable silence for a few minutes.
"So what made you decide to take me on a picnic today?" House asked as he finished a second sandwich and started on some the veggies and dip.
"I thought you would enjoy getting out in nature on such a fine day," Gyndol answered. "My take on you is that it was something you did before your injury and something you avoid now."
House stilled and looked hard at Gyndol who calmly met his gaze. "What makes you say that?"
"Intuition my boy. When I look at you, I get images of fresh air and sports mixed with pain and regret."
"Images? You mean like visions?"
"Similar but these are just flashes, meant to convey a feeling rather than an event or a warning."
"You know I don't believe all this shit."
"I know. That's what makes them try all the harder," Gyndol said seriously with just a bit of a smile.
House looked away and fiddled with the carrot stick he was still holding finally tossing it to a nearby squirrel.
"I used to play lacrosse. And golf a lot and run. I was on the golf course when the infarction happened, although I didn't know that was what it was at the time. It was the last time I ever played."
"And you are still mourning that loss to this day. Not that I blame you at all for that; it was a life altering event that struck without warning."
"Yeah. It was. It changed my whole life. My health, my relationships, my job, my sense of-" House agreed then broke off suddenly.
Gyndol waited for a few minutes then asked quietly "Sense of what?"
House looked away, even closed his eyes wanting to avoid the question but the answer just seemed to be shouting itself in his head, so loud that he finally replied, "My sense of self and worth."
Gyndol nodded and laid a hand on his shoulder. "Do you know that if you follow what your soul's purpose is in life, if you really put your entire being into it, that nothing will be able to stand in your way? Not even this horrible, crippling injury to your body? Do you know why?" House shook his head. "Because it isn't your body's purpose. It's your soul's purpose. Witness Dr Steven Hawking, who fulfilled his soul's purpose despite having ALS and requiring extraordinary measures of intervention to do so. But his purpose consumed him and pushed him to find a way. And your purpose, the medical side of it, consumed you and pushed you to find a way to practice exceptional medicine, which you have, and are passing that knowledge on to others to carry on the work."
House nodded agreement there, despite his misgivings about the idea of soul purpose he had to acknowledge that for some people, like Hawking, there was a greater purpose that just had to come out no matter what.
"What happens if you're still alive when your soul purpose is finished?" he asked after a moment.
"Well, if you feel content and fulfilled, then your purpose is complete and it is time to reap the rewards of a life well-lived. If you don't feel that, then I believe that you have not completed your soul purpose. If you've never felt content and fulfilled then I would contend that you've never even started it yet."
"Is it ever too late?"
"Alas, it can become too late to do the whole purpose. The longer you wait, the less likely it is to achieve it in its entirety. The good news however is that soul purposes often don't kick in until middle age, so don't count yourself out of the game just yet."
"I feel like I'm out of the game. Like I'm coming to the end of my career in medicine."
"Ah, but you see, I think you have a two pronged soul purpose. Medicine and the specialized focus you established was just the beginning. Now you are about to embark on another path, one that we will have to find as we go. Always a harder thing to do but very common for the second life path."
"What other path could there be at this point in my life?" House asked, shaking his head at the idea of starting over again at something.
"Well what other interests do you have?"
"Music. I toyed with the idea of getting a physics degree for a while. But neither pulls me the same as medicine does."
"Sometimes we aren't ready to know our second purpose until we've dealt with the traumas life has thrown our way. You're working your way through them so I feel confident that you'll come across the answers you're seeking soon enough."
"You said at the house that you thought I wasn't broken."
"No, I think you have been broken quite thoroughly by something or someone possibly both. I said that you are stronger than you know and that you need to let go of the idea that you are still broken."
"Once something breaks, it's broken," House said flatly.
"Oh is it? Then Marius should expect that his bones will never be whole again? That he will never walk again?"
"That's different and you know it. Some physical breaks can mend and be as good as before."
"True enough," Gyndol acknowledged with a nod and a smile. "But even if something is broken in such a way that it can't ever be what it once was that doesn't mean that it can't become something else. Something completely different. Something whole."
House snorted and shook his head, getting up and pacing up to the water's edge.
"Are you or are you not in the midst of that very process right now?" Gyndol challenged.
"No."
"Liar," he chided mildly. "Have you been hanging out with those harlot mints again?"
"What?" House asked, totally thrown by the comment. "What are you… never mind. No, I'm broken. I always have been. I'm in the midst of trying to find out if I'm useful to anyone."
Gyndol got down off the bench onto the grass. "Come here and sit with me."
"I won't be able to get back up on my own."
"No, you'll have to accept my help to do so. Come sit down with me."
House shook his head and stared at the water for another minute or two before sighing and sulking over to carefully lower himself down onto the grass.
"Now what?"
"Now put your hands flat on the ground and close your eyes."
"Oh wait, I know this one," House said sarcastically as he did what Gyndol asked. "I hear the wind and the birds and the grasshopper at my feet."
Gyndol chuckled. "But do you hear your own heartbeat, young man? Be still now and listen. Keep your eyes closed. I'll keep watch of our surroundings."
"How long?"
"Until I tell you to open your eyes. Surely you don't think I'm foolish enough to give you a time limit. You'll do nothing but a countdown. I have raised stubborn men before you now," Gyndol said lightly.
House took a deep breath and let it out in a huff but kept his eyes closed and hands on the ground. Gyndol didn't say anything, just hummed a tune that House didn't know. He was frustrated by this whole exercise and tempted to call a cab and go back to the hospital. All he could hear was the water from the fountain and humming. But the more time went on the more sounds he picked out and he figured that maybe this was like that exercise Marius did with the blindfold. Slowly, he started to hear the cars on the road, voices of several people around them, insects, birds. Finally, Gyndol started to speak, low and soothing tones.
"I see you. I see the hurt in your body and I see the terrible hurt in your heart. That one that is even worse and more devastating than your injury could ever be. That pain that is so unrelenting that you believe that no one could want you, that no one could love you. That you, without your incredible talent at medicine, would ever be worth anything to anyone. I see that pain and that grief and that desire to be wanted, to belong, to be understood and to be loved. Your trust and your sense of self has been shattered into pieces. But my boy, you are not forever broken. Let us, let me help you take up those pieces and create something new. Something different. Something whole. You can be whole again but you have to let go and become something new to do it. And that process is so unknown and so frightening, I know many strong people who couldn't summon the courage to do that. But I believe in you. I believe that you can become whole again."
House was trembling as he tried to contain the emotions that these words were stirring up in him, breath coming in shallow pants.
"It's the hardest thing you will ever do. The most frightening. But it's worth it. You are worth it."
"Lucius says that," House choked out. "Challenged me to give him a real reason why I wasn't worthy."
"And were you able to give him a reason he would accept?"
"No," he said with a hitch in his voice. "But I still don't feel worthy even if there's no proof that I'm not."
House opened his eyes and leaned forward, unable to stay so vulnerable physically while feeling so vulnerable emotionally. Gyndol moved up closer to him and wrapped an arm around his chest, pulling him close and holding him there until he stopped resisting and relaxed into the comfort he was offering.
"It's alright. I won't let you fall," Gyndol said.
"We're sitting on the ground."
"You are not just the sum of your past," Gyndol continued. "The soul is timeless. You are the sum of your past, your present, and your future. Your past is only a third of you. You are more than who you were. More than who you are. You are what both of these things are shaping you into. And that is both frighteningly unknown and most exhilarating."
House didn't respond, not having any energy left. He felt like he'd just run a marathon, sore and exhausted.
After a few minutes Gyndol loosened his grip, feeling House's heartbeat and breathing had returned to normal.
"Now, I do believe I promised you a stupendous dessert and I brought just the thing. Death by Chocolate cheesecake," he said, letting House decide for himself whether to remain in his arms longer.
"That sounds good," House said, sucking in deep breath and sitting up, sliding out of Gyndol's hold as he did.
"Oh it is wonderfully, sinfully decadent," Gyndol said, reaching out to pull the cooler closer and pulling out a little cheesecake. The two of them each ate an enormous piece. Finally Gyndol started packing up the little picnic, helping House to his feet, and they made their way back to the car.
"Gyndol," House said after a few minutes of riding in silence.
"Yes, my boy?"
"I really don't feel worthy. I don't even remember ever feeling worthy."
"You've been dealt a terrible injustice to have that basic need taken away from you at such a young age. But it is possible to get it back."
"How?"
"For now, you rely on my belief that you're worthy and that of Marius, Lucius, and Gaius. Do you believe that we have good judgment?"
"The other three yes but you I'm not so sure, what with all your talk about mint harlots," House teased.
Gyndol laughed merrily at that. "Fair enough assessment, my boy. I'll prove to you that mint are harlots and then we'll see. But for now, rely on our judgment of you. Turn that analytical gift off your own mind and sense of self and put it on ours. Find the proof in our belief that you are worthy. It's easier to analyze someone else than yourself after all. Find our proof, test our beliefs by our actions."
House nodded, looking out the car window as they turned onto the street leading to the hospital.
"Thanks for lunch. Can we skip the soul-searching therapy session next time?"
"I will try but I make no promises. I can only do as I feel led to do, which is all any of us can do really. But I will try," he added as he pulled up the main entrance. "Tell Robert he should come with us next time. The spirits have plenty to say to him."
House chuckled. "I bet they do. He's as messed up as I am. I'll tell him he's invited."
"Take care of yourself this afternoon and evening. Conversations like these take more out of you than you might realize, despite the curing quality of chocolate. And don't hesitate to call Marius, Lucius or Gaius. They've all been through these types of conversations with me."
"Okay. See you next weekend then."
"I'm looking forward to it."