Chapter 26: A Lovely Bunch of Dragon Balls
(cuts to a darkened sky with Vegeta somehow acquiring all seven DragonBalls and summoning Shenron)
NARRATOR: Last time on DragonBall Z Abridged...
VEGETA: Finally! I've gathered all seven Dragon Balls!
"HOW!?"
"This doesn't seem correct at all," Levy placed a finger on her chin.
SHENRON: State your wish.
VEGETA: Dragon! Grant me immortality!
"NO!"
SHENRON: Your wish is granted. (eyes start glowing red)
VEGETA: Yes! I've done it! I'm finally the strongest in all the universe! WAH HA HA HA HA HA!
(cuts to Vegeta lying on the ground, unconscious and with Zarbon beside him checking his pulse)
"Ok, that makes more sense," Levy leaned back in her seat.
"Thought we skipped ahead for a second," Mira laughed.
"Would've been a weird ass skip," Laxus grumbled.
VEGETA: (groggily) I am unstoppable...
ZARBON: Oh, how cute, he's having a little dream.
VEGETA: (groggily while twitching his left foot) Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!
"I'm wondering how many concussions he's got," Wendy asked herself.
"Not enough if you ask me," Evergreen mumbled.
ZARBON: Now let's get you back to Lord Frieza. I need to... probe you for information.
"Ugh," Lucy shivered.
(Zarbon starts flying while dragging Vegeta)
VEGETA: (groggily) My power is maximum…
Laxus' ear twitched. He didn't know why, but felt like those words would come back to haunt him.
[OPENING SEQUENCE]
(cuts to an outside view of Frieza's ship and then inside with Appule playing Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi 3 while Vegeta is seen inside a healing tank)
"They have a game!?" Natsu, Happy, and Romeo shouted.
"I wanna play it!" All three of them jumped up.
APPULE: (while playing as himself and beating up Bardock) Take that, you bastard! This one's for Eachpe!
"Isn't that Goku's dad?" Gray asked.
"Yeah it is," Levy replied.
"Wait, that's his dad!?" The Thunder Legion were shocked. The man looked identical to the bumbling idiot.
ZARBON: (entering the room) Report!
APPULE: (turns off video game) Ah... I just... I'm just checking... his vitals.
"Horrible liar," Carla pointed out.
ZARBON: Is he going to make it?
APPULE: Well, it's a good thing you got him to me when you did. Even a little later and we might not have been able to save him.
"Yeah, because that would've been a tragedy," Lucy mumbled sarcastically.
ZARBON: Why isn't he naked?
APPULE: Luckily, we... what?
ZARBON: In the healing tank, I always thought you needed to be nude.
"Why is this a concern?" Evergreen asked, disgusted.
APPULE: Wha- Why would you think that?
ZARBON: You know, to... absorb all the healing juices.
"I don't think that's how it works," Freed said awkwardly.
(Appule gives Zarbon a blank stare and silence ensues)
ZARBON: Well, looks like you have everything under control here! (quickly takes his leave)
APPULE: Freaks me the f**k out…
"Not the only one," Gray side eyed Juvia, who was currently imagining Gray floating in the tank nude with her.
(a whistling sound is heard along with the sound of someone tapping a microphone)
GHOST NAPPA: Is this thing on? (tapping sound of a microphone is heard again) Is it on? (Vegeta gurgles) Okay, there we go. A-Ha-Hem! You are now thinking about what Zarbon did to you while you were unconscious. Have fun with that.
And now everyone in the audience was gagging, because they also started thinking about it.
VEGETA: (starts growling inside the healing tank)
APPULE: You know, Vegeta, I got to admit, it was pretty impressive how you went all manhunter on us. But now, you're all ours. And I can't wait to watch Zarbon break you like a glow sti…
(Vegeta awakens and the healing tank starts to light up with energy)
"This is why you don't talk shit," Bickslow advised.
APPULE: (in his thought while getting engulfed by the light) Here I come Eachpe!
(cuts to Frieza's throne room)
FRIEZA: (speaking to Captain Ginyu in the Space Skype) And I want you here in twenty-four hours, understood? And make sure to bring the up-to-date scouters.
CAPTAIN GINYU: Understood, Lord Frieza.
"Captain Ginyu?" Most of the guild thought.
ZARBON: Lord Frieza, I really need to use the Space Skype.
FRIEZA: Zarbon, what could possibly be so important that you need to interrupt me during my call?
ZARBON: Well, I need to call my girlfriend.
The guild did a double take.
"He has a girlfriend?" Lucy was baffled.
"I guess he's just very flamboyant," Levy added, shocked as well.
FRIEZA: Well, I... (glances over his shoulder in shock) Ginyu, I'll call you back. (disconnects Space Skype and drops back down to floor level) Come again?
ZARBON: You see, our one-year anniversary is coming up, and I want to see where she wants to go, so we can make our reservations early.
"You're gonna want to hold off on those reservations," Lily advised.
"Because you have one slippery saiyan prince to deal with," Gajeel said.
FRIEZA: Oh... and all this time I could've sworn you were... never mind.
"We all did," Macao said.
ZARBON: What? You thought I was single?
"Not even close," Gajeel laughed.
FRIEZA: Well, no, I just... I thought you were into... you know, it really doesn't matter.
ZARBON: Well it matters to me, because, frankly it sounds like you thought I was-
ORAN: Lord Frieza! Vegeta's broken out of the healing (gets blasted by Frieza) TAAAAANNNKK!
"That was just uncalled for," Wendy whined.
FRIEZA: Oh no, that minion died. Could you go fix that? We'll continue this conversation never….
"That's one way to change a conversation," Romeo said morbidly.
ZARBON: ...Did he say something about Vegeta?
"Maybe," Natsu replied, as if they could hear him.
FRIEZA: What?
(an explosion occurs off-screen)
ZARBON: Ahhh!
FRIEZA: Zarbon... Who did you leave guarding him?
(cut to the wrecked lab and what's left of Appule)
FRIEZA: APPULE?! YOU LEFT APPULE HERE?!
"Not the best idea honestly," Juvia said.
ZARBON: Well I thought he could handle it!
"You shouldn't be in charge of decision making," Erza shook her head.
FRIEZA: APPULE COULDN'T HANDLE A SHOT OF RASPBERRY SCHNAPPS, MUCH LESS VEGETA!
"Wimp," Canna chugged down more beer.
FRIEZA: Oh, where's the damn phone, I need to make another call.
ZARBON: Yes, sir! I'll go look for Vegeta, he won't get far! (flies out of the ship and searches for Vegeta)
(cuts to Vegeta entering Frieza's room, which shows five unguarded Dragon Balls)
"None of them should be in charge of decision making," Erza corrected.
VEGETA: (thinking) Yes, that's right, search all over for me, Zarbon. Of course you'd never think to check inside your own ship! You know what they say, keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. (starts laughing)
"Whatever you're looking for is always hidden in plain sight," Mira said.
RANDOM MINION: (off-screen) Lord Frieza, I found him!
VEGETA: Ah, f**k it. (fires a ki blast, blasting a hole through the ship)
RANDOM MINION: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
(cuts to outer space, with five space pods seen flying to Planet Namek)
FRIEZA: (through speaker) Ginyu, hurry up; double time! Zarbon really screwed the pooch on this one!
ZARBON: (through speaker) Lord Frieza, Vegeta's really giving us a pounding!
FRIEZA: (through speaker) I'm coming, Zarbon! Quick, grab my Balls! (turns off speaker)
Everyone started laughing hysterically.
(short pause before the Ginyu Force starts laughing hysterically)
(cuts to Vegeta blasting a hole through the window of Frieza's throne room and starts tossing all of the Dragon Balls out of the ship)
VEGETA: (to the tune of "I've Got A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts")
I've got a lovely bunch of Dragon Balls, do-do-do-do-do
Here they are, all sitting in a bunch, doo-doo-doo
One star, two star
All as big as my head!
Give them a toss
A planet across
That's how Vegeta wins, bye-bye! (flies out of Frieza's ship)
Levy's eyes briefly turned towards Gajeel.
"His singing could use some work," Gajeel criticized. Levy resisted the urge to roll her eyes.
(cuts to Frieza and Zarbon arriving at the throne room)
FRIEZA: Dammit all to hell, he's gone! And he took off with my Dragon Balls!
ZARBON: Lord Frieza, I've found a note! (holds out a note)
FRIEZA: Let me see that! (sees the note) It just says "Dear Frieza", and it's a picture of a butt.
"Yeah, sounds like something I'd do," Gajeel laughed.
ZARBON: ...Can I see it, Lord Frieza?
"Why?" Carla asked.
FRIEZA: Vegeta. Dragon Balls. NOW!
ZARBON: (flies out of Frieza's ship) Yes sir! (thinking) Dammit, he's up here somewhere! I just need to spot the bastard!
(cuts to Vegeta's head sticking out of a lake)
"You should start looking down more," Lily advised.
VEGETA: (in his thoughts) Later, bitches.
(sinks into the water, making submarine noises while doing so)
(cuts to Goku inside his spaceship)
GOKU: Whew! It's taken me five whole days, but I'm finally up to a hundred times gravity! It's a good thing that I brought along all these Senzu. Aww, man, it looks like we only have four left. Oh well, we won't need that many on Namek. (eats one Senzu Bean) Om nom nom! Mmm, tastes like healing!
"By all means and logic he should be dead," Levy looked bewildered.
"It's Goku, we should expect him to defy logic," Lisanna smiled.
KING KAI: (telepathically) Hello, Goku? Do you hear me? I swear to God, if this is George Takei again, I'm gonna shove a brick up the Verizon guy's ass.
GOKU: King Kai?
KING KAI: (telepathically) Ah, there you are, Goku. (cuts to King Kai observing Goku's spaceship from his planet) I see you're on your way to Namek.
GOKU: I'm gonna beat someone up!
"That's the best plan," Natsu smiled.
"That's your only plan," Lucy sighed.
"And it's never failed!" He retorted, still smiling. His large grin caused her to smile as well.
KING KAI: Of course you are. But listen! There is someone on Namek that you must absolutely stay away from. You hear me? He's even stronger than Vegeta, and he-
GOKU: I know!
KING KAI: What?
GOKU: I'm gonna beat him up!
KING KAI: Goku, no. This is nothing like Vegeta; it is much, much worse.
"Trying to convince him is pointless," Makarov sighed, getting Deja vu of Natsu.
"No matter how much you try to convince him it's a bad idea, he'll charge in anyway," Gray said smiling briefly.
"Because he'll always make sure things will be ok," Lisanna smiled.
"And when he's beaten and broken he'll just keep getting back up," Erza smiled.
"HE'S A REAL MAN WHEN IT COMES TO ACTION!" Elfman roared proudly.
"He's a numbskull who's default emotion is stupidity," Laxus chuckled to himself.
"He's a dumbass," Gajeel received a slap from Levy.
And there's nothing wrong with that," Happy and Lucy smiled at Natsu. The dragon slayer smiled at everyone's words.
GOKU: Uh-huh...
KING KAI: He is known throughout the galaxy as the most terrifying and evil person there is!
GOKU: Really?
KING KAI: He's conquered hundreds of planets, and slaughtered billions of people!
GOKU: (excited) Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
"Don't think you should be excited at killing billions of people part of the warning," Lucy was unsure.
KING KAI: STOP IT! Stop—getting—excited! Now promise me you will not fight him!
"Again, that won't work well," Makarov said.
GOKU: (telepathically off-screen) Ooo, I can see Planet Namek! (neon buzzing sound is heard) Naw, wait, naw, it's fake.
"At least he didn't fall for it," Lucy sighed.
KING KAI: Goku! Seriously! Promise me that under no circumstance will you go anywhere near Frieza!
GOKU: But King Kai, I...
KING KAI: PROMISE ME!
GOKU: Aww, all right. I promise I will absolutely not... Click. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
"Uh…" Everyone looked confused.
"I need to do that more," Natsu was taking mental notes.
KING KAI: What the...
GOKU: (gasp for breath) Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... (continues telepathically off-screen)
KING KAI: He... He hung up on me! How the hell did he even do that?! Dammit, I'll call him back! (tries to contact Goku but no avail) Goku, I swear to God, I will ride your ass on this one!
"Oh my~" Canna(Completely drunk) cooed.
GEORGE TAKEI: (telepathically) Oh my...
KING KAI: DAMMIT, TAKEI!
(cuts to Vegeta emerging from underwater and gasping for breath)
VEGETA: All right. They should be here somewhere. Aha! They're here! They're all here! Perfect. Now I have six, counting the one I have hidden near the village. All I have to do now is stay under the radar and not fly around like a jackass saying...
KRILLIN: (flying while holding a Dragon Ball) I've got a Dragon Ball! (flies past Vegeta's location)
"Goddammit Krillin," Everyone sighed.
VEGETA: I was gonna say "Come and get me, Frieza," but that works too! (starts to purse Krillin)
"And now they're in danger," Mira sighed.
(cuts to Zarbon desperately looking for Vegeta)
ZARBON: This is useless! I'm never going to find him like this! I might as well hide under a rock. Maybe Lord Frieza won't find me if I just lay low and don't fly around like a jackass saying...
VEGETA: (flying after Krillin) Come to papa, you bald bastard!
"And you're also stupid," Carla summarized.
ZARBON: I was going to say "Come and get me, Frieza," but that works too! (starts to pursue Vegeta)
"These guys think alike more than they would willingly admit," Levy noticed.
(cuts to Bulma reading a magazine and humming the ending theme from Dragon Ball before Krillin lands in front of her)
BULMA: (stumbles and falls on her back) (quickly speaking) SON OF A BITCH!
KRILLIN: Huh. I thought you'd be back in the cave.
BULMA: Well, I would if I didn't keep finding puddles of-
"I really don't want to know," Lucy gagged.
KRILLIN: Yeah, yeah, I know, in the cave, get over it. Besides, I brought us a Dragon Ball.
BULMA: Oh, wow. They're much bigger than the ones on Earth.
"I wonder how heavy they are," Wendy pictured herself struggling to lift it(She easily could tho. She's just weird).
KRILLIN: Yeah, Gohan and I were pretty surprised too when... we... (notices Gohan is missing) Wait, where is Gohan?
BULMA: Oh, he took the Dragon Radar. We found a Dragon Ball that was all on its own.
"Highly irresponsible," Carla disapproved.
"Why would let him go on his own?" Mira was upset.
"Honestly what could she possibly do to help?" Gajeel asked.
KRILLIN: Wait, what?
(cuts to Gohan flying in the air and holding a Dragon Ball)
GOHAN: I've got a Dragon Ball!
"Awww!" Lisanna and Mira cooed.
KRILLIN: You let Gohan go out on his own?
BULMA: Yeah... What's the big deal?
KRILLIN: Do you have any idea what Chi-Chi will do to me if he gets hurt? I like my penis where it is, thank you.
Some of the men remembered Chi-Chi's threat from the previous saga.
BULMA: I still don't see how this is my problem.
KRILLIN: Uh... Oh, we'll just have to wait for him here, then. At least we have a Dragon Ball!
(Vegeta lands on the scene, finally catching up to Krillin)
VEGETA: Hi there. I'm taking your Dragon Ball.
KRILLIN: (terrified) Uh... Care to trade for one of yours?
"Highly unlikely," Gajeel shook his head.
VEGETA: How 'bout NO.
KRILLIN: You drive a hard bargain…
(Zarbon appears on the scene)
ZARBON: Who drives it hard now? Hmm. (flicks his long hair behind him)
"Hopefully, Gray does," Juvia drooled.
VEGETA: Oh, I thought I smelled body glitter...
ZARBON: (to Krillin) You, the short one over there. Give me the Dragon Ball.
KRILLIN: Um…
"Don't do it," Natsu warned.
VEGETA: Not so fast, he's handing the ball over to me! (to Krillin) Right, baldy?
"Don't do that one either," Natsu warned again.
KRILLIN: Uh... Bulma? A little help here?
BULMA: (referring to Zarbon) Oh, my God, he's so hot! I just wanna grab him and…
"Trust me, he's not worth it," Erza said.
(cuts to Goku doing upside down curl ups in his spaceship)
GOKU: ...sixty-nine, seventy, seventy-...
(cuts to back to Vegeta on Namek)
VEGETA: ...one time you've defeated me, Zarbon. And that's one time too many!
ZARBON: Nothing's changed, Vegeta. The last time we fought you were barely alive when I retrieved your body.
"Seems he doesn't know about Saiyan power ups," Freed said.
VEGETA: That... reminds me... Did you do anything to me while I was unconscious?
ZARBON: Did... (narrows his eyes) Did I what?
VEGETA: Did you do anything to me while I was unconscious?
"He's really desperate to know," Lisanna mused.
"I would be to, if I wasn't conscious around Zarbon," All the men shivered.
ZARBON: (in shock) What?! No! God, no!
VEGETA: Oh, thank God! I j... (eyes widen) Wait, what do you mean by that? Am I not good enough for you?!
"He's actually offended?" Gray was shocked.
ZARBON: All right, Vegeta, I'm going to be totally honest with you. This is sounding really gay.
"And the tables have turned," The guild snickered.
VEGETA: What, I... What are you...
ZARBON: Not that there's anything wrong with that.
VEGETA: (seen totally defeated and embarrassed) Just... Just transform, damn you.
"Yeah, just get it over with," Laxus agreed.
BULMA: We're going to have a penthouse suite... (Zarbon starts to transform) ...and he'll drive a Corvette, and we'll make love every single-
(Zarbon fully transforms into his monster form)
BULMA: (in complete shock) KILL IT WITH FIRE!
"Women," Macao thought, but he didn't dare say it out loud.
MONSTROUS ZARBON: You've made a huge mistake, Vegeta! Now prepare to die!
(Zarbon starts charging at Vegeta, the latter responding by punching a hole in the former's stomach)
"That was not long at all," Everyone was momentarily stunned.
MONSTROUS ZARBON: (groans in pain)
VEGETA: What was that? I couldn't hear you over that hole I made in your stomach!
MONSTROUS ZARBON: But... Vegeta, please... Just give me a chance... We could work together…
"Blah blah blah," Gajeel drowned it out.
VEGETA: Yeah, yeah, I've heard that bit already. Now let me put this in a way you'll understand: I'm about to blow my load all over your insides.
"And that is the last gay joke," Levy closed her eyes.
MONSTROUS ZARBON: What... the...
VEGETA: No homo.
(Vegeta blast a hole through Zarbon's stomach, sending the latter flying and falling into a watery grave)
VEGETA: (narrows his eyes) Freaky Alien Genotype…
"And that bit should finally be over," Lucy thanked.
[ENDING SEQUENCE]
[STINGER]
(cuts to inside Guru's house)
DENDE: Guru, sir, I have a question.
GURU: Ask away.
DENDE: You've been around for so long. Just how old are you?
GURU: I am this many. (does not move)
DENDE: You didn't raise your hand.
GURU: That's how old I aaaaaaaam!
"That's how old you are, right Gramps?" Natsu asked Makarov.
"I'M NOT THAT OLD, YOU BRAT!" He enlarged his hand and smacked Natsu with it.
Chapter End