Chapter 35: Alien vs Piccolo
(cuts to Piccolo and Frieza exchanging blows in midair)
FRIEZA: To think your race had the ability to produce such capable fighters. I'm surprised I hadn't destroyed you sooner.
"Well, they are meant to be a more pacifistic race," Levy said.
PICCOLO: And to think your race has the ability to produce such whiny bitches. I'm surprised anyone can take you seriously.
"That's Nail's sas coming through," Gajeel smirked.
"And Nail's power is gonna kick Frieza's ass!" Natsu pumped his fist.
(Piccolo kicks Frieza in the face)
VEGETA: Wait a damn minute, something's wrong here.
GOHAN: Huh?
VEGETA: Back on your planet, the Namek couldn't even stand up to Nappa. Yet here he is now, taking on Frieza. In his second form!
"Yeah, these things are better if you don't try to explain them," Levy sighed.
GOHAN: What do you think happened?
VEGETA: Well, either Frieza hit me so hard I'm in a delusional coma, or...
GOHAN: Or?
VEGETA: Power levels are bulls**t!
"And this entire series has been summed up in one sentence," Levy laughed.
[OPENING SEQUENCE]
(cuts to Piccolo charging at Frieza and engaging him in a brawler lock)
NAIL: (Wow, you're really kicking his ass.)
"Nail has a better seat than us," Natsu grumbled.
"Well, he's seeing everything through Piccolo's eyes...so I'm not sure if that's actually better," Lucy reassured him.
PICCOLO: (thinking) Oh, you're still here.
NAIL: (Yeah, I've just been watching you knock this guy around. Kinda bored...wishin' I had something to do. You got any ideas?)
"Could talk to Tom," Lisanna offered.
"You're pretty obsessed with Tom," Elfman told her.
"He was pushed to the side too early," Lisanna complained.
PICCOLO: (thinking) Now is not the time!
(Piccolo fires an eye blast at Frieza, stunning the latter for a brief moment, and then kicks him in the face before punching him in the stomach)
"Piccolo's so cool!" Natsu and Wendy cheered.
GOHAN: Piccolo's actually standing up to him, Krillin!
KRILLIN: I don't believe it... We may actually win!
"And just like everything else, Krillin ruined it," Carla facepalmed.
VEGETA: Yeah, that's just, uh, great... If you'll excuse me, though, I've, uh, gotta... Bye! (powers up and flies off)
"Don't be a coward!" Some of them booed.
FRIEZA: (thinking as he sees Vegeta flying away) Oh, for the love of...
PICCOLO: (charges at Frieza) GAAAAH!
FRIEZA: Time out.
"Is he allowed to just call timeout?" Lily asked.
"Is anyone really gonna tell him otherwise?" Carla said back.
"Good point," Lily answered.
PICCOLO: (stops) Huh?
FRIEZA: Would you hold on for a moment, please? I'll be right back. (starts powering up)
VEGETA: (thinking) All right, I've just gotta find one of the Ginyu's ships, and get the hell out of here! I'll just go to Frieza Planet 419. No one ever goes to Frieza Planet 419. Not since its species miraculously repopulated.
(cut to shot of "Frieza Planet 419, A.K.A. Kanassa")
KANASSAN 1: I CAN SEE THE FUTURE!
KANASSAN 2: BULMA AND VEGETA HAVE A KID!
KANASSAN 3: THE REAL BUU IS A CHILD!
KANASSAN 4: CELL REACHES HIS PERFECT FORM!
KANASSAN 5: GOTEN AND TRUNKS BECOME A GUY!
KANASSAN 6: GOHAN IS THE STRONGEST IN THE UNIVERSE BUT STILL DOESN'T DO CRAP!
"I didn't catch any of that. Can we replay that?" Levy asked Mira.
"No," Mira smiled sweetly. Levy slumped over in dejection.
(cuts back to Vegeta flying in the sky before getting cut off by Frieza)
FRIEZA: So, Vegeta, where are you going?
VEGETA: Oh, you know... Places.
"Any place away from Namek," Lucy added.
"And these people in general," Laxus said.
FRIEZA: Places, hm? Like that mountain over there?
VEGETA: Actually, that looks more like a pla- (gets punched by Frieza) -TEAUUUUUUUUUU! (gets smashed into a pile of rocks)
"And that kids is why you don't run from a galactic alien warlord," Erza advised. The kids in the guild nodded at her words.
FRIEZA: Sorry about that. Where were we?
PICCOLO: Last time I checked, I was planting my foot firmly somewhere between your lungs and colon.
"Piccolo's a runner-up for good one liners," Gajeel smirked. It's more material for him to insult people.
FRIEZA: An admirable feat for a lowlife such as yourself. I have a question for you, though.
PICCOLO: What's that?
FRIEZA: Die.
"How is that question?" Juvia asked, perplexed.
PICCOLO: That's...not...a...question. (gets punched by Frieza into the ground) Aaaah!
FRIEZA: That's because I don't do requests.
"Oh," Her eyes widened.
VEGETA: (barely conscious) Well, that didn't last real f**king long.
"I didn't expect it to, sadly," Carla muttered.
(Piccolo is seen climbing out from under the rocks)
FRIEZA: Oh, come on, now, that was just a love tap.
"If that classifies as a love tap, then I'd hate to see the full force," Lucy shivered.
PICCOLO: Don't think you have the upper hand yet. I'm still wearing weighted armor. (removes his cape and turban and then cracks his neck and knuckles)
KRILLIN: Oh man, that sounded good, now I have to do my neck.
"DON'T DO IT KRILLIN!" Wendy and Romeo shouted.
KRILLIN: (cracks his neck) Oowww! My neck!
(Krillin Owned Count: 26)
"Poor Krillin," The children sighed.
FRIEZA: Weighted armor. How quaint. And how much does it weigh?
PICCOLO: Same as it always does. One hundred kilo- (Frieza is seen smirking) Oh…
"That lost meaning didn't it?" Gray asked, already knowing the answer.
"And it won't be the last thing to lose relevance," Levy swung her arm with a smile plastered on her face.
FRIEZA: That's just cute!
PICCOLO: That...concept just sort of lost meaning after a while, didn't it?
"Ever since Goku came back to life," Levy summed up.
FRIEZA: True. But I have one that's nice, fresh, and ripe for abuse. Transformation. And spoiler warning: it's not getting old anytime soon.
"Didn't expect it to," Levy said.
"You just expect everything from this don't you?" Cana asked her.
"I just see the used tropes," Levy answered.
PICCOLO: You can't be serious!
FRIEZA: Oh, but I am. See, I'm merely...
(Frieza continues speaking in the background as Nail's voice cuts in, talking to Piccolo)
NAIL: (Hey, man. Can I talk to you about something really quick?)
"As much as I love you Nail, now isn't the time," Mira disapproved.
PICCOLO: I'm seriously in the middle of something right now.
NAIL: (Yeah, I know, but I've been looking around and you've got like no apps in here. I have already played the crap out of Minesweeper.)
"What is Minesweeper?" Ran through everyone's heads.
PICCOLO: Could you just- Wait, I have apps? I have Minesweeper!? I just thought I could connect to the internet with my antennae.
NAIL: (I didn't even know we could do that.)
(Frieza starts powering up)
"And that looks like an issue," Evergreen sweatdropped.
"Now would be a really good time to start paying attention," Erza added.
PICCOLO: Well, you learn something new everyday. Now could you let me focus-?
NAIL: (Hey... You wanna play me in Minesweeper?)
(Frieza begins to transform)
"I'm really uncomfortable with this one," Wendy hugged Carla.
PICCOLO: You can't play someone at Minesweeper; that's a single-player game!
NAIL: (Nah, see, first I go then you go and try to beat my time and... hey, is he transforming?)
"NOW YOU NOTICE!?" The mages screamed.
PICCOLO: Huh? DAMN IT!
(Frieza finishes transforming into his third form)
FRIEZA: So Namekian, what do you think of my third form?
The mages of Fairy Tail were disturbed by the form.
"That's it's absolutely repulsive," Laxus gagged.
Juvia clung to Gray's arm in an effort to look away from Frieza's form(And just to touch her lover).
PICCOLO: I think Ridley Scott's gonna sue somebody.
"Ah, so it was copied," Levy took note.
FRIEZA: What are you talking about? (an alien tongue pops out of his mouth and starts jabbering before retracting) Let me touch your skin!
"AHHHHH!" The mages flinched back.
PICCOLO: (seemingly disturbed) Ahh!
GOHAN: Oh, no! This is horrible! How could this happen?
"You all being idiots," Evergreen pointed out.
VEGETA: He's going to kill us all!
KRILLIN: (neck still stuck) HELP ME!
"You shouldn't have done it in the first place," Lily reprimanded.
(Piccolo charges at Frieza and tries to attack him with a flurry of punches, but Frieza easily dodges each of his attacks. Piccolo then tries a head-on attack, but Frieza blasts him away.)
"And he's immediately outclassed," Gray frowned.
"Does anyone else have any new power they wanna show off?" Lucy asked, impatiently.
FRIEZA: Poor little Namekian. Can't touch me anymore. How about this? Let's play a game. Ever heard of "paintball"?
"Paintball is pretty fun," Romeo smiled.
PICCOLO: Yeah...
FRIEZA: Just remove the "t".
"Oh…" He frowned.
PICCOLO: I don't get- (Frieza shoots him in the knee) OH-HO! I get it!
FRIEZA: Now, for your other glubok! (shoots Piccolo in the other knee)
The mages winced at Piccolo getting hit.
PICCOLO: You're not really familiar with our anatomy, are you?
"To be fair, none of us are," Levy spoke.
FRIEZA: It doesn't matter! I'll hit your glubok somewhere.
(Freeza starts bombarding Piccolo with a barrage of finger beams)
Team Natsu wince in phantom pain remembering their fight with Hades on Tenrou.
GOHAN: Piccolo, no! (charges towards Frieza)
"Not again!" Mira cried in distress.
KRILLIN: Ah, not this crap again! (tries to fly after Gohan but Vegeta grabs his leg)
"Don't stop him!" The Take-Over Mage cried out.
VEGETA: Hold on! I Have an idea- and I don't want to hear any of your stupid crap.
KRILLIN: I only promise to try.
VEGETA: I need you to–and follow me on this one–almost kill me.
"I understand the plan, but how long did he plan this out?" Freed questioned.
KRILLIN: Almost... kill you.
VEGETA: Yeah.
KRILLIN: And there's no repercussion for this...?
VEGETA: I will not punch you.
"The boldest lie he's told this entire time," Gajeel pointed out.
KRILLIN: Oddly specific.
VEGETA: Now, I'm going to need a moment to prepare myself, otherwise I might go into- (Krillin blasts him in the chest) -SHOOOOOO...! (starts falling towards Dende) You are so punched!
"Told ya," Gajeel smirked.
(shifts back to Piccolo, now badly damaged, still getting repeatedly blasted by Frieza)
"He hasn't stopped!?" Wendy shouted in distress.
PICCOLO: Aaaah, ga-ha-ha! Why is this still happening?
"Just dodge!" Mira shouted.
GOHAN: (flies behind Frieza) Circling around, Mr. Piccolo! Hey Frieza! The human body is composed of 75% water! I am 100% death! Have some! (fires a blast at Frieza)
"Not the best time to bring up biology," Levy said.
"So, we're ignoring the 5-year calling himself death?" Macao asked.
FRIEZA: What? Gyahhh! (gets hit by the blast) Oh, no! The invincible Lord Frieza defeated by a mere child! What dramatic irony! (while laughing) Oh, no, just kidding. (reverses the blast back to Gohan)
"What was the plan there Gohan?" Bickslow questioned.
GOHAN: (thinking) Crapbaskets!
(Piccolo intercepts the blast, saving Gohan)
GOHAN: Mr. Piccolo! You saved me again!
"He did," Mira grumbled.
"It'd be better if you stopped putting yourself in situations that require it," Erza reprimanded.
PICCOLO: "Saved" is sort of subjective here.
FRIEZA: So, we're all well aware that that all basically equated to a game of Hot Space Potato, right? Well, then, I say we get a move on. Who here's tired of my third form?
"Me."(Lucy)
"Me."(Gray)
"Me."(Wendy)
"Me."(Erza)
"Me."(Natsu)
"Me."(Happy)
"Me."(Carla)
PICCOLO: Me.
GOHAN: Me.
KRILLIN: Me.
FRIEZA: Alrighty then, final form it is!
"I'd trade back for the first form honestly," Macao said.
"Second form wasn't THAT bad," Elfman added.
KRILLIN: Personally, I was a bigger fan of the first form.
PICCOLO: I'd settle on second, really.
FRIEZA: HYAAAAA... (begins transforming)
(Gohan carries a beaten Piccolo in the sky)
GOHAN: Come on, Mr. Piccolo.
PICCOLO: Ugh... (Gohan places him on the ground)
GOHAN: Don't worry; we have Dende! He can heal you! (Krillin lands next to Gohan) Krillin, where's Dende?
"Probably healing Vegeta," Levy answered.
KRILLIN: I dunno, but Little Green's over there with Vegeta.
GOHAN: Why?
KRILLIN: I blew a hole in his chest.
GOHAN: Why?!
KRILLIN: Because he asked for it.
"Ya know without context it sounds really stupid," Lisanna said.
"Even with the context it's really stupid," Laxus corrected.
(shifts to a badly wounded Vegeta approaching Dende)
VEGETA: Guah! You...green thing...heal me.
"He has a name," Lucy glared.
"Yeah, it's Little Green!" Natsu yelled.
"No...that's not it either," Lucy sweatdropped.
DENDE: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm having a hard time hearing you over the smell of my people's blood on your hands.
"Now is not the time for this," Freed said.
"To be fair, it isn't undeserved," Bickslow said.
VEGETA: Oh, no... Do not be that guy right now...
DENDE: Oh, I'm going to be that guy right now.
VEGETA: I am literally going to die...
"And even in this situation it would be karmic justice," Gajeel folded his arms.
DENDE: Well, how about this? I'll heal you, on one condition.
VEGETA: And that is...?
DENDE: Say my name.
"Little Green," Natsu did as told.
VEGETA: Oh... Uh...
DENDE: You don't even know my name.
VEGETA: Oh, uh, I do. It's, uh...um, uh...Little...Green?
"I will not blame him considering he's only heard Krillin refer to Dende by that name," Lily said.
DENDE: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! No. No, it's Dende. Say "Dende".
VEGETA: Dende.
DENDE: Now say, "Please heal me, Dende".
"He's a sadist," Lucy stared at the little green boy with wide eyes.
VEGETA: Please heal me, Dende.
DENDE: Well, since you asked so nicely... (flies away)
VEGETA: Come back, magic man... (collapses onto the ground) Ugh…
"And that's bad," Makarov said, gravely.
(shifts to Dende healing Piccolo)
DENDE: And you, my friend, are a subject of nepotism.
PICCOLO: Ugh. Thank you, magic man.
"Magic Green Man," Romeo sang.
DENDE: It's good to have you back, Nail.
PICCOLO: I'm not Nail.
"Technically you are," Levy smiled.
NAIL: (Technically, ya kinda are.)
PICCOLO: Shut up, Nail.
DENDE: Why are you talking to yourself?
PICCOLO: No reason. Now go heal Vegeta.
DENDE: Why would I do that?
(Frieza is still seen transforming)
FRIEZA: ...AAAAAAAAAA…
"Because you'll all die otherwise," Laxus reminded.
PICCOLO: Because THAT.
DENDE: Oh yeah, that's happening right now.
FRIEZA: (still transforming) HYAAAAAA...
GOHAN: Krillin, why aren't you using your Kienzan?
"Because the plot likes showing itself," Levy answered.
KRILLIN: Eh, you know, I keep forgetting to do that.
GOHAN: And?
KRILLIN: Well, I kind of used all my energy to mortally wound Vegeta.
GOHAN: Seriously, what did I miss?!
"A lot," Natsu stretched his arms out to represent a lot.
(shifts to Dende healing Vegeta)
DENDE: *sigh* Twist my arm a little bit more, why don't ya?
VEGETA: (gets up) You...healed me.
"He had no other choice," Freed pointed out.
DENDE: Of course I did. I'm a nice guy.
"You're not," Gray disagreed.
VEGETA: And now what's to stop me from kicking your face in?
DENDE: Because you touch me, and you're not getting back up again. That's right, I'm your White Mage. And nobody f**ks with the White Mage. (gets blown up by Frieza)
Silence overtook the guild once more at Dende's quick death.
FRIEZA: Oh, I feel REAL good about my life right now.
[ENDING SEQUENCE]
[STINGER]
KRILLIN: Little Green! NOOOOOOOO!
GOHAN: Actually, Krillin, his name was Dende.
KRILLIN: Huh, that's funny. Never spoke up about it.
Everyone(Minus Natsu) facepalmed at Krillin's words.
(screen goes black and then shows a shot of Gohan and Dende in a Horribleville-style comic strip frame)
DENDE: Jesus Christ, how horrifying.
"Yeah, death is pretty horrifying," Wendy agreed.
"I don't think that's what he meant…" Levy sweatdropped.
Chapter End