Ok. These chapters are gonna roll in quite fast now. I've held back for several reasons. When I write, I work on certain things I want to learn about and these chapters are about family conflicts, life and how people react – going beyond their usual bickering to things more important. Figuring out how each of these characters would react to situations that we really didn't see in the show has been interesting. These chapters I could keep redrafting for ages if I let myself do It and yes, they could be culled but everything is there for a reason. I've also been writing a paper for uni grad studies that centres around feminism and leading female roles – these characters being part of my study. It's taken me on an unexpected path and is influencing these pages. There's also been family health that has prevented me from writing as much as I would like but here we go. Enjoy and just read it for what it is, fan fiction.

Chapter 103

Rick was woken. Eyes stayed closed he waited, listened for what had disturbed him. Outside there was rain. Heavy rain and he thought it might have been thunder overhead that disturbed him.

Alongside him, Beckett whined. She was restless, and her right hand had found its place on his forearm. She momentarily tightened her hold. Almost every night since the explosion, she experienced intense dreams. Not quite nightmares but they usually woke her, shaken and definitely stirred. There was another cry. He went up on his elbow, switched on the lamp and returned his attention to Beckett. Her left arm thrashed about in response to the dream.

Lightning flashed through the windows. A crack of thunder immediately sounded. Loud and crisp. Storm was right over them.

Kate sat up. She let go of a cry. Gasped for air. "Oh, fuck."

"Kate?" He softly said as lightning lit up her face.

Trembling and disorientated, she gazed about the room establishing where she was. The thunder was loud again. She shuddered. "Castle?"

"I'm here. Bomb?" He softly touched her hip.

"I guess. Storm." She gasped, then sharply drew in air.

"Thunder spooked you. Its pissing down out there."

Her eyes shot to the windows as more lightning flashed. "I can't breathe."

"You're safe, Kate."

"God." She threw back the bedsheets, swung her legs off the edge of the bed. "Can't breathe."

"Calm down, Honey." He rested his palm between her shoulder blades.

She tried to inhale, but there wasn't enough air. She stood and took flight from the bedroom. Rick, unable to believe events were on repeat hurried after her, pulling on a t-shirt as he went.

There was a good element of truth when she had said she couldn't breathe. He heard the wheezing as she crossed the living room to the kitchen. He turned on the lights not willing to take his chances catapulting across a dark room without hitting something as she had successfully managed to do.

At the sink, she leaned over the basin, her breathing shallow and rapid. He stopped nearby, saw she was fully awake and trying to gain control, to calm her mind. She ran the water, and cupping her hand, she drew several thirsty mouthfuls of water. He was going to mention the bottles of water in the fridge but dropped it. She knew they were there like she knew glasses were in the cupboard. She turned the faucet off, stood there, her hands leaning on the counter, her head bowed. She coughed.

It settled her breathing. Angry, frustrated, cries escaped her. She smacked her palm against the benchtop. "Fuck this."

"Kate." He caressed her back. "Alexis and Mom are upstairs."

She gave a nod and murmured, "Sorry."

She inhaled and held the oxygen within her lungs for as long as she could. Then she exhaled for as long as she could. Fingers gripped the sink. He waited.

"Fire dream?" He quietly asked a minute or so later and she nodded once again. "They suck huh?"

With a nod, she said in hushed tones. "They mess with my head."

Thunder sounded outside.

"Loud storm," she said distracting herself.

"I think the thunder is what got you started."

"Could be. I know this sounds dumb, Rick, but in my dreams, there's more smoke and fire than there really was." She turned about and reached for his fingers she hooked hers into. "I'm sorry. The night it happened it might not have worried me too much -"

"But it haunts your dreams. C'mere." He opened his arms and she stepped keenly into his embrace. "Just breathe. No fire. No smoke." He swept dark hair from her face. His palm then cupped the back of her head noting he grip on him was bordering on being painful. "I'm just gonna hold you," he whispered. "Just hold you." He waited, focused on breathing steadily and deeply. On the outside, he was confident he appeared calm, but his heart raced, and he was almost at the same state of panic Kate was in. He'd had his fair share of bomb dreams too, having woken with night sweats, so he understood how she felt. He knew his embrace was soft, secure. She smelt of them, their combined scent, a result of their earlier making love. Her lips a little rosy, and she carried a light rash across her skin from his stubble. After all this time, her skin remained sensitive. It was cute.

Her heart pounded against his chest.

He thought he heard footsteps on the stairs but was unable to see because he stood at a bad angle. Perhaps his mother or daughter had been woken by the loud disturbance but Kate, who faced the stairs, didn't pull away from his embrace in response to company.

She was oddly worked up. Kate had had enough to deal with. No home, pressure to make a decision about living with him, and there was something else she wasn't sharing. Something she hadn't brought up last time they had talked. She was too rattled.

A while later she sat with him. However, he was at the one end of the couch, and she was bundled up at the other end with a bunch of tissues clutched in her fisted hand and a blanket tucked up to her neck.

He was numb. Felt nothing. Was empty of emotions.

She was full of emotions. She was upset. Overwhelmed with feelings.

Once again, Castle found himself unable to bring words to the surface to console her or provide himself with something to grasp on to. Instead, they shared silence. The air was dense between them.

An argument had erupted after her nightmare, about her continuing to look for a new place to live. No, she wouldn't commit to them by permanently moving into the loft with him. She was apologetic. Sorry had been repeated, a lot. They were under enormous duress. Was this the end of them or just a sudden turn in the road of their path?

None of it made sense. She was admittedly quite happy when they were together alone. He thought about the day at the park shortly after they had got together. The way she'd turned about and told him to ask about her commitment in six months had taken his breath away. The meaning of her response hadn't crossed his mind much until now.

"You wanted six months before you would commit to us. I've given you over a year," he calmly said.

For several seconds, she stared at his face, a fretful expression forming. "I know. I'm here." Her lips trembled and her voice was shaky when she whispered. "I'm here with you."

He leaned forward, contemplating her reply. "Are you ever going to be the type who will commit or just hide behind excuses?"

"Castle." She whined and looked away.

"Happy to be my girlfriend so long as you don't have to commit."

Kate looked back at him, on the edge of saying something. "You don't want to see it," she hissed. "Or you're too busy being the great writer, the successful consultant, the loving father and son or choose not to see that I won't be accepted."

"Beckett," he warned and glanced towards the stairs. He sat up completely aware of what Beckett was referring to. He ignored her digs of his successes against her shortcomings. He had seen the friction, and she was right. He had chosen to ignore it in the hope it would eventually dwindle away, and his girls would get along just fine. He had been wrong. Just like he had been with Erin. His girls weren't going to resolve their differences. As his mother had previously and diplomatically put on record. Beckett had been making every effort to fit in to their household, but Alexis had resisted throughout. Passively, but nonetheless resisted. Martha saw the situation for what it was and had independently reprimanded Alexis.

"Rick," Kate pleaded.

"You know what, Kate?" He momentarily clenched his jaw. He was tired and wanted to return to bed. "Maybe it's the wrong time for us, period," he flatly stated tapping a finger on the back of the sofa. "Maybe it is time we took a break. Give you some space to figure out what you want, let things cool down."

For several moments, she stared wide eyed into his tearful eyes. "You're willing to put this on me, to break up with me because-"

"No. I want you to be with me here. Not a doubt in my mind about that. However, there is this huge 'but' hanging over us. What is holding you back? You want to be with me, but you don't want to be with me? Blame Alexis? Things will pass with Alexis. You have my complete support. You know that. She's growing up, becoming more independent. You're stronger than this, Honey." He leaned forward seeing that perhaps he could milk it out of her. He softened because he didn't think Alexis was the primary concern. "What is it? What is it that is really bothering you?"

He watched her stress level soar. She was on the edge of telling him.

He murmured, "It's okay to tell me."

She bit her lip, swiped at her left eye, then said, "Because, I know you're-"

He gave her a moment or two to draw from within what she wanted to say, but she had clammed up. He prompted, "I'm what?"

She sat up a little. "You remember the time you went on the book tour to LA alone?"

"Yes." He felt nervous.

"Nothing in the media, I kept checking." Her expression full of doubt. She timidly said. "You didn't call me, only maybe texted me once."

"We talked about this at the time, remember?" He shrugged it off but struggled to look her in the eyes.

"I pretended not to care, but I did. I did care that you didn't call."

He inhaled deeper. "I was in stores, signing books, Kate. That was it."

..

His tone caused Kate to shudder, then she picked at the stitching on the couch. Castle had just lied. There was a tiny twitch of his nose. She was reluctant to talk about it, but it was becoming too much of a predicament to remain silent. She wanted to be with him, but she needed to clear an issue that he seemed aware she had. She'd finally figured it out, filled in the gaps, just like finding pieces of a puzzle.

She wiped her eyes, decided she had nothing to lose, then timidly asked, "Were you planted to follow me?"

"Planted to follow you? You came to me, Beckett. You flashed your badge in my face and took me in for questioning."

"No. I mean, after we had the fight, when Montgomery ordered me to let you back."

He breathed deeply then asked, "What's happening here, Kate?"

"I'm talking, answering what you want to know."

"I mean, what are you implying here?"

She pressed her lips together, slowly gazed over his face. "You're deflecting."

"No, I'm not."

After several moments of silence, Beckett's lips pressed again, harder and more determined this time, and she gave a nod. "Okay. Thank you for allowing me stay here. It's time for my own home." She pushed herself up from the sofa and slowly, calmly, walked through the office doorway to go to the bedroom.

"Kate?" Rick quietly called. She paused, turned about. "You going back to bed?"

She shrugged.

"Look, I'm sorry about what I said before. I don't want to lose you. I didn't want to fuck up this relationship."

"Besides your personal wants, will the Mayor and the Captain be pissed off if we royally screw up this relationship?" She boldly asked.

"Kate," he growled. "This is about us. No one else."

She paused, kind of nodded then continued to the bedroom. She felt awful in her gut, faint in her head.

It wasn't long before she exited the bedroom using the doorway closest to the entry. Rick was at the kitchen sink having a drink when he turned about.

"Where are you going?"

She had her gym bag slung over her right shoulder and she had dressed in sportswear and she looked down upon her body then looked at Rick and shrugged. She had just got dressed and grabbed the gym bag. She continued to the entrance. When she attempted to open the door, it was sharply pushed shut with a hand that reached over her shoulder. Startled by the sudden movement and the slam, she gasped. The weight of Rick's body partially pressed her against the door. How had he got there so quickly?

"Don't go," he pleaded close to her ear.

"Don't wake Martha and Alexis," she hissed.

"Stay here. You have nowhere to be right now."

"Castle."

"Yes. You're not ready. Alexis is provoking you. I get that. Please don't end us. Just stay."

"Castle."

"We were doing great before the bombing. We can get through this, Kate."

Again, Kate's heart raced. They were great. It had been so good, but it wasn't just about them. "None of us were prepared for it," she quietly said, hearing the lie in her tone. She was ready. It had been a few great weeks and she was ready to be with him. But this wasn't about her. "It's not our time."

"When will it be our time, Kate? You always have one foot out the door." He stepped away from her, reached for the door handle, gave it a turn and opened the door as he stepped backward.

"I'm sorry. I need air." She saw her escape route and took it. She slipped through the gap and hurried to the stairs, deciding it would be a quicker path to get away. Outside, she set off on a predetermined path. She deeply inhaled the cold night air, trying to alleviate the constriction in her throat. She soon gained ground along the sidewalk of the dark street, with an idea of where she needed to be, what she needed to do to help process the night.

She refused to revert to being a 19 year old who had no idea what to do. Recent experiences had given her a broader perspective on things, but right now but there was a requirement to decompress, to have some time to herself to think things out in peace. Perhaps then she would be ready to talk things out with Castle. It was also a given he needed to take a break and think about what he wanted. There were too many secrets between them, and it was preventing a normal progression of their relationship.

* *. *

Just after 6.00 am Beckett waved a pass card over a scanner and entered the dance studio. Three other women followed her in the entrance. A barre class she used to attend regularly would commence in several minutes. She was out of condition, but she really needed to exercise with creativity rather than defensive drills, and aggressive training.

Grateful to be amongst a bunch of strangers, she dropped her bag to the floor against the wall out of the way and pulled off her runners. She rummaged through her bag until she found flat ballet slippers she used to protect her feet. She stood at the barre, faced the mirror. In her leggings and a short loose top, she appeared every bit of the dancer she had been a long time ago. She'd grown too tall to study ballet, so her Mother had suggested she take up martial arts which had turned out to be way more fun, but she had continued contemporary dance until she left for college. As an adult though she had come to appreciate the beauty and grace in dance, and she had to admit she still loved to dance. No one, with the exception of her Dad and Castle, knew she had a membership at the dance studio. It conducted dance, Yoga and Pilates classes and she did whichever she felt was right at the time. Recently though she'd not had time to participate in classes. She stretched in preparation for the class, guiding herself in the mirror. She thought about how tired she was early in the day. She found it difficult to accept that waking up from a bad bomb dream earlier had ended with her walking out on Rick. She anticipated they would break up. In truth, she was prepared to live with him, but with Alexis making it clear she wasn't ready to welcome it placed doubts in her mind. The friction only caused her to want her own space, her own retreat. The past couple of weeks living with Castle had made her so happy but happiness had crashed head on into too complicated and had come off second best.

The secret phone began to vibrate again from inside the bag. She felt it against her toes. She paused the stretches and pulled it out aware it would be Rick. This would not be the last time he called unless she picked up. He was probably worried about where she was. She accepted the call knowing she was best to let him know she was fine, that she could take care of herself.

She breathed in, ensured she was calm when she answered the call. "Hey, Castle."

"Where are you?" He firmly asked. "It's the middle of the night."

She frowned. "Dance class. It's after 6.00 am, Rick."

"Why are you there?" He sounded surprised.

"I need to exercise." She sounded a little sarcastic.

"Oh. Yes." He cleared his throat, obviously realising his own stupidity, but he also sighed in what she thought was relief. "Good. You're in a safe place."

"I'm a-"

"Yeah, I know but I also care about you. Will you come back home when you're done, please?"

She stayed silent, and cast her eyes around the room, at all the girls present, wondering what problems, what baggage they carried, what they escaped from when they took class.

"Kate?"

"I'm here," she softly replied.

"Meet me at the coffee shop when your class is done. We need to talk."

"We've done that, Castle. Unsuccessfully. I need a bit of space and I guess you do too. We can talk when the dust settles."

"Meet me after your class, Baby. Please just do that and I'll tell you everything."

Beckett pressed her lips together in thought. "Okay. I'll call you after I'm done here."

Castle caught a cab to the dance studio. Time would be tight after her dance class for them to talk before she clocked on for work. He knew she wouldn't like him going there but nowadays he understood how her mind ticked. It was a given she wouldn't phone him after the class and would go directly to work and shower there. She kept clothes at the Precinct. All the while she'd pretend everything was fine. It wasn't fine at all. Fine meant alarm bells. Nothing less.

It was the first time he'd been to the dance studio. It had slipped his she had a membership probably because she hadn't attended a class for some time. Life had got in her way, which was a shame because she enjoyed going and was always brighter afterwards.

When he arrived at the entrance, he was surprised to see how many of the fairer sex gathered for these dance and exercise classes.

Why hadn't he realised earlier on to take up an interest that women enjoyed. He quickly reminded himself he was adept at finding places women hung out. His mother's career had provided him with ample opportunities to find dates. Theatres, actresses, parties. Girls had been falling over him for years. He'd just overlooked dance groups. He was pleased he was attired in sportswear because as he approached the door, he was confident he looked the part and would be able to gain access to this secret world women went to. As it so happened, a young lady just ahead of him scanned her security card. Castle instantly reached for the door handle and opened the door for the blond who passed through with a hint of a smile of thanks.

"Geez," he moaned to himself, his eyes busy. Women in active and dance wear were all around him. All shapes and sizes. All beautiful. A smile of pure pleasure widened, and his heart swelled. He always preferred to be in the company of the fairer sex. It was after all, what he was accustomed to. He'd been raised by women.

Off the main reception area, he counted half a dozen rooms of varied sizes all with mirrored walls. He soon spotted Beckett in the largest of the studios with a bunch of women. She was at the back of the room by the windows right where she believed she blended into the background. To the contrary she stood out because she was tall and long limbed compared to most of the girls. The group danced their way through a sequence of movements that required them to be balanced on one leg a lot of the time. Kate was quite good at maintaining her balance with a leg held up behind her, her support leg bent. It looked easy enough but by the sweat on the group's bodies, it was hard yakka. There were participants that really knew how to dance and took it seriously, but most seemed to be involved for the fun of it. Beckett was in the middle of that. He could see she put in 100% but she was enjoying herself. Each time she got the short routine right a big smile would break. Two men were in the class, and for several seconds Castle experienced envy and contemplated taking up dance lessons.

He saw the level of Beckett's concentration. She picked up the routine the instructor demonstrated and moved with the beat of the music. She worked within her means and tried her best. He understood that growing up she had participated in dance, music, singing, martial arts, had travelled widely with her parents and experienced different cultures, and had a sound academic education. Her parents had prepared her for adulthood. She'd been brought up quite differently to him. She had been cultured as a child, kept to routine and rules. He'd been raised by an eccentric stage actress, no routine and a few rules that hadn't stuck around long enough to remember or break. He was pleased he had managed to raise Alexis similar to how Kate had been.

Watching Kate while thinking about them, caused him to smirk, to forget for a short time, that they were skating along the edge of a break-up. They were doomed as a couple unless he did some serious repair work to stop her from completely pulling away. The situation called for compromise.

Compromise from him.

She tried hard now in her dance class. She did the same with every aspect of her life. She always gave it her best shot. He had realised earlier just how harsh he'd been when he told her she had a foot out the door, suffered flaws that prevented her moving on.

He was seated in a place where she would think he'd been waiting rather than watching. She wouldn't be happy if she knew he'd watched her dance, like she wasn't keen on him watching her sleep.

After the class finished with a clap of hands from the group, Beckett left the room with a bunch of other women, their cheeks blushed. She seemed surprised when she spotted Castle, but there appeared a hint of a smile, which pleased him and gave him hope he might be able to rescue them.

"What are you doing here?" She dropped her bag on the floor at his shoes then rubbed perspiration from her face with a gym towel. "We agreed to meet at the cafe."

"I'm taking you for a coffee. I realised how little time we do have." Castle stood with coats clutched in his hands. "We need to talk before you go to work."

"Oh." She tucked the towel into the bag then pulled off her ballet flats. "Serious talk?" She had runners in her hands as she straightened up and looked at him in question.

"I guess it will be serious, yes," he replied.

Immediately she looked away and got busy putting on her runners. "I thought we did all that."

"You know there's a bit to discuss."

She looked at his eyes momentarily. "I guess so."

"You forgot your coat when you left." He held out her favourite casual coat for her to slip into.

"Mm," she agreed. "Did you watch me dance, because that's -"

"No," he cut in. "Once I found you, I waited here." He swallowed, not sure she believed him.

"Oh." She looked at her coat, at Castle waiting for her to put her arms in it. She obliged. "Thank you for bringing this."

"You're welcome. And you look beautiful when you dance." He cheekily murmured close to her ear. He was being game and copped her glare when she turned about now tucked into her coat.

He picked up the sports bag. "Did you have fun in there? Looks like fun." He noticed her cheeks were still a little pink but she had barely broken into a sweat.

She smiled. "I did. I'm not great at it, but I enjoy it."

"Well, you looked sweet. Shall we go?" He held out his hand, waited in hope she would accept it. She did, and together they walked from the studio.

"It's so cold out," she said when they were a few blocks along on their way to one of their favourite coffee shops.

"It is fresh," he commented lifting the hood of his jacket over his head with his left hand, his right hand holding Kate's. "What were you thinking, taking off in the middle of the night? I know you're a cop and all that, but it didn't stop me from being worried." He glanced at her.

"You let me go," she replied flatly.

"Yes, I did. And I should have made you stay inside. However, you're also a very independent woman and we both know that. And, I know you have a gun. But I'm still sorry that I let you leave. I apologise." There were a lot of people out on their way to work. They often bumped into each other when avoiding people coming in the opposite direction.

"Castle-"

"And now I think about it, you left the gun in the safe at home, so you had to come back to get ready for work and/or shoot me anyway." He smiled in amusement.

Beckett squinted having also just realised her oversight. "Rookie error. I'm not the type who walks out on someone pre-dawn." They briefly paused at the curb side to check for traffic. They proceeded across the road.

"You know what, Beckett?"

"What, Castle?"

"We should have fucked ourselves out of this fine mess and then talked at a reasonable hour. We used to be able to figure things out."

"By fucking?" She asked in disbelief.

"Yes. It grounds us."

She shrugged then coyly said, "So, we skipped the fucking part. We certainly had fun last night."

"Agree. Last night was beautiful," he commented. "Breathtaking."

Beckett briefly looked at his face, surprised by his comment. "It was. But we can make it up tonight."

"Yes, Honey. And I will certainly make it up to you, I hope." He stopped outside the café he'd had in mind and scanned her body. "Seeing you dance before has really fired up the engine."

"Castle." She frowned, "It doesn't matter what I wear or do."

"I know. I always want you." He smiled checked the time. "Let's get inside."