Chapter 104

This had to be the worst boyfriend experience in Kate's entire life and there was nothing remotely comparable to it to source from to help wade her way through it. She just had to suffer through it, make it to the other side.

Beckett was seated across from the man she loved, the person she believed understood her the most, yet she felt sick to the core with worry. There was a big red mug of hot chocolate cooling before her that she was too nervous to sip on. She was sure coffee would have made her sick this morning. It was unusual that she fretted about what was to roll out. So far, the conversation had been situational, nothing serious. What drink do you want? Where shall we sit? The usual communication between friends. However, with the pending discussion hanging between them, it was highly probable her own world was about to be turned on its head. She was so scared she couldn't move or look at his eyes.

Castle nursed his mug of coffee in the palms of his hands. She sensed he was also experiencing discomfort, which caused her to believe they were on the verge of splitting up, that he was trying to put his thoughts into order, convert thoughts into words. There was a tightness her throat and an overwhelming urge to cry.

He pushed his coffee mug away, placed his elbows on the table, entwined his fingers then inhaled.

"I spent about a year working in an agency before Alexis was born," he said, "before I met Meredith. After I was with the woman you met."

"Kyra?" She asked. He confessed. Kate exhaled in sheer relief, then remembered to breathe in. She disliked how young and unsure her voice sounded. She replayed his statement in her mind, the part about working for an agency. A long time ago. She would have been a teenager. He'd published a book by then. She raised her gaze to see him give a nod.

"Yes. Kyra." He glanced away, then look over her face. "I have no idea how I managed to get into it, I firstly got to tag along with a team, but then I got the training, did the time, and used the experience to write a new series of novels."

"Only a year? It's not long."

"Well, a little over. You know the scar on my right knee?"

She nodded this time. The scar was long, noticeable and his gait seemed pronounced on his right leg. She'd recognise Castle's unique gait a mile away.

"I had an injury to a ligament, had surgery and that put me on the couch for about six weeks. So, I threw the job in. That was it. I'm a writer, not an agent. But I'm not supposed to talk about it." He swallowed and his face held the expression he wasn't going to provide details, was only going to share with her the redacted version.

"Oh." She responded, while her mind tried to play catch up. "The morning we spent at the shooting range," she said, "You were accurate at shooting the targets."

He smirked, "Yeah. I couldn't help myself. I was having so much fun, pretending I knew nothing then I was shooting rounds dead centre, telling everyone you were an excellent teacher, and you were by the way."

"But you did know a lot. I saw that on the day."

He smiled. "Had Espo freaking out."

"That you did."

He leaned in. "Honey, I know jack shit compared to you, but I know enough to understand that you are wasted in your current role. You are talented."

She fidgeted, unsure she totally agreed with his compliment. She understood his interpretation of her abilities, but she didn't feel wasted. Her hard work had paid off and she was proud of her success. "I'm happy," she replied. "I'm young to be a detective."

"You could be so much more."

"Maybe, but I'm good. I might not want much more. I was going to be a lawyer."

"Mm. Still time for that. I know you hunger for more. You just need a couple more seasons under your belt."

She fidgeted, wondered whether he was being genuine or deflecting the focus to her. "So, you're assigned to me?"

He shrugged. "I guess it depends on your point of view. Who you ask."

"But how?"

He seemed to be impatient when he replied, "The powers that be saw our partnership was beneficial and someone found out I had intelligence experience, which is something I never tell people."

"Who do you think it was?"

He shook his head, "I don't know. Montgomery definitely found out later and won't divulge his source. But it doesn't change what I feel about you, Kate."

Beckett glanced down to his fingers that attempted to touch hers. It aroused feelings within. She knew how delightful, how spectacular his touch felt, what he could have her body feel. She always yearned for his affection, his company. She didn't pull away and perhaps sensing that she was accepting of his touch, his fingertips rested lightly upon her nails.

She raised her eyes to his as a slight smile formed. "Is it real? What you feel for me?" She quietly asked, glancing to another customer who walked past them.

He scoffed in disbelief then leaned in. "You and your buddies crashing my book launch party was exactly what it was. My attraction to you from the moment I clapped eyes on you was exactly what it was. Me asking to shadow you, was exactly what it was."

"Mm. I did interrupt your party."

He nodded, then asked. "How did you figure it out?"

She looked between his hand and his eyes, around the café then back to his eyes. "You left me clues that at first, I ignored, didn't want to see them because I was so into us and maybe because you're so you."

"Geeky?"

"Mm. Kind of clueless and when you relaxed you began to leave me clues."

"You find the clues, I provide the story," he said.

"We solve murders."

"It's a reason why they want me to stay with you. Closure rate," he said.

Her interest spiked. "They?"

"Well, Roy. At first, I asked the Mayor, who asked Montgomery if I could shadow you, you know, we all played poker together. That was all fine, but when we broke up, well, after we did get back together, things changed."

"How?"

He shrugged his shoulders, "Don't know, Kate. I've tried to figure that out. What clues?"

She crossed her legs, sat back and folded her arms across her chest. "Umm. The seasoned and safe handling of my weapon when you have used it. Never noticed until I did."

"Subtle."

"Your knowledge of weapons period."

"Research."

She stared at him a moment, not buying that excuse anymore. "You use a gun like a professional, but you're not entitled to carry and your eye for intricate details is way too sharp for a writer. There are NYPD cops that don't compare."

He smirked, "I always wanted to be a detective."

She cleared her throat, recognised he was continually trying to be humorous to lighten their discussion, and she decided to ask about something that had been bothering her for a while. "When you went away those days for the book signings."

"Mm."

"Like I said earlier, you didn't call me once, not even a text. I missed you a lot, waited for a call." She was surprised by her own confession of dependence upon him. While the noises of the kitchen staff filled the void, she observed him as he leaned back and thought. She waited for him to explain why he hadn't called her. He scratched his head, frowned then sat up.

"I should have called you. I'm sorry."

"Where were you? Really." She asked softly and slipped her hands into the pockets of her coat. Her chocolate was cooling but the thought of drinking it still made her feel uneasy.

"Chicago. With Gina." He held up a hand as she went to speak. "Strictly business. Books." He stared at her eyes and she read his expression in silence, searching for a flinch of a muscle, a hint he was lying. There was nothing, but now she understood he'd been trained to remain neutral. It explained why his narration of the Derek Storm novels was so detailed. Why he was an expert at concealing his hand in card games, how he could think like a criminal. His boyish behaviour distracted people from the skills of a professional agent.

"Oh." It slipped from her. She lowered her gaze to the table, wondering whether he spoke the truth, if bedding her was all in their plan regardless of his statement, his actions, his affections. He'd been with Gina. Four days.

"Kate? Are you okay?"

A tear spilt from her left eye and she quickly swiped it away.

"Nothing happened," he whispered as his shoulders dropped. "You have nothing to worry about. Believe me, Honey, it's you I want to be with."

"Yeah?" She blinked several times, dabbed beneath her eyes. "You didn't tell me you went with her."

He fidgeted. "It doesn't change how I feel about you."

"It's hard to accept when my relationship is part of a set up. It's very overwhelming."

"No," he objected too loudly. His voice startled Kate, and the guy behind the counter looked over with concern. Castle leaned in and quieter, said, "No. Our relationship is not a set up. Yes, I got a favour through the mayor and Montgomery to shadow you, but I can't fake what I feel about you, Kate. You see what you do to me." He gazed at her, his eyes pleading she believe him.

Kate lowered her eyes to his stomach. She'd seen what she could do, how he physically responded to her.

"Gina's no comparison to you. Don't be threatened by her."

"But-"

"No, really. She's not you."

They fell silent, gazed around them, almost done.

Rick leaned in and said, "Montgomery is guessing about us. I've told no one." His voice drew her eyes back to his face, her mind back to the present.

"Me neither. He did tell me he knew we were together, remember?" She said.

"I do," he said. "Freaked you out."

Again, silence fell between them. Beckett didn't know what to say or what she wanted to do going forward in the relationship. The only thing she knew was she had to have a place of her own again. As much as she wanted to be with him, to live with him, there was doubt. She wasn't 100% in on the decision.

"You want to know anything else?" He asked, clearly upset.

"You were told to remain my partner. No justification. What was in it for you?"

"You know what's in it for me. I'm with you. They won't stop us working together."

"Why does Montgomery want you with me?" She asked again, hoping she would break him down.

"Kate," he sighed. "All he said was he knows I will protect you. I don't know other than that."

"I don't need protecting," she immediately objected but kept her voice low.

"Well, he must think you do. Who knows? Maybe he thinks you need protecting in connection to your mother's murder."

Kate opened her mouth to object.

"I'm only speculating, Kate," he cut in, "I really don't know his reasons."

"Okay. But the thing is you're not even permitted to carry a gun. What is it with that?"

"No idea and I don't bother asking anymore. You guys carry enough weapons on you that I don't need to."

"It's not a strong enough reason for you to use your personal time to follow me without some sort of revenue, profit."

He shrugged. "You know I want to be involved. I love playing cop, Beckett, and look at what happened a couple of weeks ago with that guy, when I didn't have your back."

"That was unusual." She thought about the night she'd been hurt.

"If I had been there, it wouldn't have happened." He leaned in and quietly continued, "Montgomery lost his shit at the Precinct when he heard what went down, that I wasn't there, that you were injured."

Beckett sat back confused about why the Captain would react as strongly. What made her more important than Ryan or Esposito? "Javy got me out of it."

"I know." He pressed his lips and looked over her face. He seemed as highly stressed as she felt. She could just make out perspiration had broken out over his lips. He was fearful too. "Whatever the reason, he is hell bent on ensuring no harm ever comes to you."

"He's never said anything," she replied. "The night we were mucking about. The night I had on the long boots, the cuffs and you got the upper hand on me and restrained me."

"Yes. I remember those boots. Not wanting to be handcuffed when you were dressed like that, in that mood you were in." He grinned with reflection. "Another glorious night. That whole week was good. Remember?"

"Mm. The next day, you laughed it off and acted surprised you'd managed to tackle me down. I summed it up as sheer luck."

"But it spooked you enough to have you alter your perspective and rethink events."

She agreed with a nod. "And the night we were play fighting at my apartment you totally had me." She smiled. "I thought it was funny."

He frowned, sighed, "I'm sorry I did that. I just got into tackling it out with you. We were having fun play fighting."

"Don't be sorry," she gave him first hint of a smile, "I really was having fun too. I loved it. I was surprised you did it."

"I was surprised, but it just happened, that I had you locked down and I just went with it."

"Which is the thing that made me realise that you had specialist training. And I don't mean a few days of research with an ex-SAS or marine. I'm talking serious training."

"My actions invariably gave me in." He paused, smiled softly as he gazed over her face. "I was having so much fun with you."

"And you don't know why Montgomery-"

He shook his head before she finished. "He wants me with you. You remember when I got the offer to write about the English spy?"

Beckett nodded, "And you were offered a higher amount to write three more Nikki Heat books." She kind of smiled, a little more than before.

"You remember our conversation, what the Captain told you?"

"That the mayor ordered you to stay my partner."

"Yes. You acted out about it, but I knew you were happy to keep me working with you."

"Mm."

"Well, we never -" He paused, swallowed a couple of times and gazed over her face.

Kate folded her arms tightly across her chest. It bugged her that the Captain had found out Castle had intel training and that he'd discovered it before she had. "Never what?"

"We never looked back, never questioned anything, because we were happy to detect together, be together."

Beckett chewed on her lip, pondering his comment. He was correct. There was no doubt in her mind she was happiest when they were working together. But their personal relationship was corroding. It was scaring her that perhaps she had been wrong about how perfect they were as lovers.

He leaned in, "Kate?" He waited, like he could see her anxious thoughts, and wanted them to ease, for her to focus on him. "You have the control in this relationship, Kate."

She instantly shook her head in denial.

He continued, "You're with me because you want to be."

"I am. But you want to be with me? I hope it's mutual," she said.

"It's mutual," he replied. "However, if you don't want me with you, if you ever say no, I will simply stay away. I won't stalk you and even if I'm ordered to work with you, they can't make me, Kate. You're right. I'm not on the payroll. Remuneration is not a factor in this, but I can choose to stay home. If you say enough is enough, then I will go home and drink for a week or two in the hope I will forget how good we are, were."

Kate stared at the mug of hot chocolate, processing what he'd said. He fidgeted, clearly growing insecure too. She kind of smiled in acknowledgement that she would to the same thing, looked up at his blue eyes and replied, "I think I will too, but I never want to forget. I will drink to stop the pain."

"What's gonna happen, Kate? Where did you envision this relationship going before your apartment blew up and changed your life in a second? What did Kate dream of her future, hopefully with me?" He calmly asked. "Tell me your story."

"Um. With you?" She felt shy, and when he nodded his reply she said, "Well, I thought we would date a while longer and not hide it from everyone."

Again, Castle nodded his agreement. "Fair call. Keep going."

"That we'd have an engagement period, slowly prepare for our wedding, enjoy that for a while. Marry in the season the best photographs can be taken. You know how much-"

"You love photography and being in front of a camera." He smiled. "When it's not too hot or cold. The light's right."

"Exactly, right? We go on a decent honeymoon. Move in together."

"Traditional." He gave a nod. "All in that order?"

She smiled, also nodded. "Somewhere in that order and down the track, maybe try for a baby. I would one day like to be a mom," she confessed, her voice high and unsure. "That's the first time I've probably ever seriously admitted that to a boyfriend outside of a general conversation." It was a nervous wait, watching to see how he physically and verbally reacted to her vision of their future. Her ideal future wasn't out of the range of normal and she wanted him to be the man to share it. She backed herself up by adding, "I want to be happy, have my own family one day."

"You've certainly confessed it with conviction." He commented. Beckett raised her eyebrows. He hadn't taken his eyes off her and he gave a nervous smile, then glanced to his hands. "The one and done type," he commented and raised his gaze back to her shy smile at his reference.

"You?" She questioned and smiled at his referral to her statement once upon a time.

"Well, I guess that one day, and you won't know when, I will ask for your father's permission to marry you, that's at some time down the track, before you freak out, okay?"

Kate sat up, leaned in with a coy smile. "I'm okay with that." She licked her lips, then asked, "You'd ask my Dad?"

"Of course. You sound surprised."

"Yes. I mean, no. You said that once before."

"I think Jim would expect you to marry a man who would ask permission first."

"Mm. He would want that. I guess you're geeky but traditional."

"Thank you, I think. If he grants his consent then another day, I will ask you, if you don't beat me to it."

She laughed, "I just might, Rick." She gazed over his eyes, allowing herself to think about what her body was feeling. Mostly, she was saddened because the bombing had catapulted them into a bit of a mess they were helplessly blundering through. The bomb had also put the fear of death into her psych even if she didn't exhibit it. "Castle?"

"Mm?"

"I cannot lose you as a consequence of my job," she whispered. "Not you. You're bigger than life. Alexis cannot lose her father."

"Alright. But you do know that I can take care of myself."

"Yes."

"And you."

"No." She shot back.

"And that we were in this before Montgomery intervened," he said ignoring her reply. "And you and I are my priority."

For several seconds, she watched him breathe deeply and slowly. waiting for her to reply. "Yes. Your feelings for me are real."

"Very real," he pressed.

"Very real."

Then he quietly leaned in, "So, if I want to keep seeing you, like be your partner, I need to let you go."

It was her turn to process. Her stomach rolled over. She had no words to respond with other than tears that welled up, but she managed to control them.

He got out his wallet and dropped cash on the table. He pointed at the mug she nursed. "Are you drinking that?"

Beckett's eyes shot to the untouched beverage, probably lukewarm. She did want it to ease the illness within and picked up the mug. The milky drink was soothing and comforting. The froth of the milk stuck to her top lip. With a mouthful in, she paused, glanced to Rick.

She whispered, "It's nice."

A sudden appetite kicked in and she drank the rest of it. He was ready to go but she wasn't sure whether he wanted her to join him. With the chocolate milk gone, she sat still for a moment, gathered her thoughts.

"Castle?"

He lowered his body back to the seat, looked at her eyes, waited.

"Alexis. She needs more time to accept me and my job in her home. I accept that. It hurts but I respect that, Rick." She wiped her eyes.

"It's not respect, Kate. You're caving into a sixteen year old girl," he stated. "And she knows she's called bluff on you."

"No." She shook her head in denial, "That's not it."

"I'm her father. I've tried to speak to her, about you. About us. I want her to see that it's me she upsets."

She smiled, softly replied. "Thank you. I understand, but you see, I'm the cop who attracts danger to her Dad, her sole parent. She has enough dealing with our secret, your fame." She paused, "I have a high-risk job. You like playing cop, but Alexis is scared for you."

"You're being very kind. I like playing cop, but I love being with you, working with you. And saying that, she might be my daughter, but I do know Alexis, and she is not going to be the one making the decisions for me or us and she does not have a right to influence your decisions."

Kate attempted to respond but stopped herself.

"What?" Castle asked.

"Rick, at times it can be very uncomfortable living there." She awkwardly admitted and immediately sat up, uncomfortable and taken aback with her confession. "You and Alexis are a tight unit and there are times I feel like I'm on the outside. I know I don't have experience with boyfriends and their children to draw from."

He sat still. Swallowed. "It's not the first time I've heard someone say that."

"I haven't even had a chance to establish a good bond with her."

"And when you have tried, she's cancelled on you."

Kate nodded. "My moving in was too quick for her too. I know we're never going to have a mother-daughter relationship no matter how much I could try. She's too old for that. I'm just old enough to be a mother of a girl her age."

"And," he sighed, "Your reference point of a mother daughter relationship is right up there, close to fucking perfect."

She shrugged. "My mom and I were close, yes. But believe me, I did have my moments with her with I played up. I also don't have the experience of my parents being divorced or dating other people. I was part of a secure family, Mom, Dad and me, until I was nineteen, Rick."

"I know. It all went to shit after your mother was murdered. Well, regardless of recent events, I do know Alexis likes you. The night you were upset, I'm sorry. She was very sorry even if things have since escalated."

She held up a hand in objection and shook her head. "I'm a big girl, Rick."

"Yes, but you have feelings, and you were hurt."

She gave a nod. Reflecting on that evening had increased the anxiety and she fought her eyes to not well up, not to choke up in front of him right now. She also felt beaten down to nothing. Sleep deprivation weighed heavily on her, early in the day. She'd done all-nighters before so a shower and coffee would wake her up. It was the problems of late that were taxing on her energy. Several hard blinks eased the tears but she couldn't look at Castle who seem impatient to leave.

..

Castle recognised he needed to rescue Beckett. She was about to crash and was going to do it in public. He immediately reached over the table for her trembling hand and held it firmly enough to tell her he wasn't letting her go.

"It's okay for you to move out, Kate. It's fine," he reassured. "We'll find you a place of your own. You're suffocating with stress here." He spoke in a soothing way. Almost instantly his compassion caused her breathing to falter.

"Castle." She inhaled sharply and deeply. "I'm so sorry."

"Shhh…. You can go."

His eyes stayed on her face, witnessed her strong reaction, while internally he struggled to believe what he had said. He didn't want her to move out. Like earlier, when he'd said it in heated discussion, he saw the tension leave her shoulders with each deep breath she took. She soon stifled her tears, sniffed and reached for a napkin.

"I don't feel it's the right time for us to live together, Rick."

He momentarily closed his eyes. This hurt enough that his eyes welled up. When her fingers tightened on his, he opened his eyes to hers.

Calmer, she leaned in closer, aware he was upset, "Hey."

He swallowed, glanced to their joined hands then murmured, "You finally found the confidence to say you love me, even if under the influence of alcohol."

"I was of mind," she confirmed with a slight smile. "I remember it very fondly."

"Mm, well, no matter, I can't keep a hold of you."

She smiled, tears welled, but she controlled her emotions to say, "I still love you." She lifted their hands and pressed her lips to his knuckles, raised her eye line to his. She whispered, "Please don't break up with me. I just need some more time."

"God no." He leaned in, smiled and said in hushed tones, "I love you too much to do that."

She stayed silent and her eyes remained focussed on his.

"Let's go home. We'll sort this out later when we're not loaded with emotions and pressure to get to work." He tapped his watch and went to get up.

"Wait." She requested so he sat back on the seat and encouraged her to continue. "Castle, I'm still gonna fight for what's mine."

"Okay. Assuming you're referring to me, I feel the same." He sighed, "Look, our problem is not with each other, its external."

"External." Kate repeated then stood up with him. "I will work on bonding with Alexis."

"And I will have another talk with her."