Song for this chapter: Deep Green by Marika Hackman
September 23rd, 1997
If there was one thing that Althea Clearwater was good at, it was being second-best. She tried not to mind too much, but it was hard not to. It was true. She was second to Penelope. Her sister had always been smarter and prettier. She was taller than Althea was. Had their mother's lithe figure instead of their father's dumpy frame (which was what Althea got). She wasn't as good as Carolina – beautiful Carolina, who she'd been friends with since her first day at Hogwarts. She didn't mean to sound pitiful, but she knew it was true. And she had almost accepted the fact that she would never be good enough. Not good enough for her parents to love her as much as Penny. No good enough for Carolina to love her as more than a friend.
She still remembered it. Their kiss. It had only been once, last December, the night before everyone left for Christmas break. Everyone else had gone to sleep, and she had been alone in the common room.
She had been sitting by the fire, staring into the flames. Moments before, she had uttered three words to herself, realising their truth for the first time. "I'm a lesbian," she had whispered into the flames. She hadn't felt anything when she said it. It's not like she'd been keeping secrets from herself. It was more about the people who wouldn't want to know. Another thing to add to the list of why her parents were disappointed in her, not that they knew it yet.
Not a moment after she'd spoken, Carolina made her way down the stairs. Of all people, of course it was Carolina. It had to be. The world was funny like that sometimes.
"What are you doing down here, Althea? It's late." Carolina yawned, and sat next to her on the sofa.
Carolina's shoulder was pressing into hers, and she found herself unable to focus on anything else. "I couldn't sleep," she said quietly. She was scared to look up. She was scared that if she met Carolina's eye, she would see what Althea was hiding – she would see the truths and the lies Althea intended to keep to herself. She wiped the tear on her sleeve.
"Have you been crying?" Carolina asked, alarmed. She took Althea's face in her hand, tipped her head so that Althea was forced to meet her eyes.
There was no point lying. Carolina knew her better than anybody. She would immediately be able to tell. "Just a little bit."
"Why?" she asked softly. She wiped her thumb down the tear track on Althea's cheek. Her skin felt warm where Carolina had touched it – and it wasn't from the fire.
"Because – because –" Althea began. She wanted Carolina to know. She also didn't want Carolina to know. There was no way that Carolina loved her in the same way – but there was still a small flicker of hope that maybe, just maybe she did. Maybe she reciprocated. But probably not. She wrestled with her brain for a moment and then kicked logic into the fireplace. Before she knew what she was doing, she was leaning in, and Carolina surprisingly wasn't pulling away – Carolina's hand rested on her cheek and Althea pressed her lips to Carolina's and for a moment, Carolina was kissing her back. It was soft, and sweet, and Althea wanted nothing more than to melt. All she could focus on was Carolina – Carolina's lips on hers, Carolina's soft hand on her face, Carolina…
And then she pulled away. "Althea," she murmured. She licked her lips. "Althea. I can't."
"I'm sorry," Althea whispered. She'd done it this time, she'd fucked it up beyond repair, shit shit shit.
Carolina shook her head. "Don't be sorry. It was nice. But I just – I just can't."
"Why?" Althea asked, her heart pounding. Better to put it all out there now before she lost her nerve. "If it was nice, why?"
"I'm with Felix," Carolina said. "I love Felix." It sounded as though she was saying it to herself rather than to Althea, as if she were trying to convince herself it was the truth.
Althea scoffed. "He's horrible to you."
"He's not."
Althea rolled her eyes. "He is, Carolina, can't you see?" She couldn't count the number of times she'd stayed up with Carolina as she sobbed her heart out over something Felix had done.
Carolina shook her head. "The rumours aren't true."
"They were true last time," Althea retorted. "There's no smoke without a flame."
Carolina shrugged defiantly, stubbornly, turning her chin up. "Maybe sometimes there is."
Althea would never understand why Carolina so stubbornly defended Felix. Or why she'd dumped Matt (who was actually nice to her) to be with him. Felix, the boy who'd cheated on her, the boy who'd forgotten her sixteenth birthday. The boy who'd pressured her to give what she wasn't ready to give. "Really? Can you look me in the eye and honestly say they're not true?"
"Okay," she said, sighing. "Maybe they are true."
"Lina-" Althea began. She wasn't sure what she was about to say – whether she'd been going to apologise or tell Carolina again that she should dump him – but it didn't matter anyway. Carolina cut her off before she could continue.
"No," Carolina said, holding up a hand. "Don't you dare 'Lina' me. I shouldn't have – I shouldn't – it was my fault."
"Don't blame yourself!" Althea protested. "It's no one's fault but his."
Carolina shrugged uncomfortably. "Well, I shouldn't have led him on." She began crumpling up an old newspaper, throwing pages one by one into the fireplace.
"Why are you still defending him?" Althea asked. She was genuinely curious. Why would someone as beautiful and talented and capable as Carolina cling to a boy who didn't care about her? Why would she defend him still after everything he'd done? "Why are you still with him?"
"I don't know," she whispered. "I suppose I'm just… scared."
A horrible thought occurred to Althea. Maybe he'd done more than pressure Carolina… maybe he used force. Maybe he'd hit her. "Did he hurt you?"
Carolina turned to Althea, aghast. A ball of newspaper turned to ash. "No!" she said loudly, her voice bordering on a shout. "No," she said again, quieter. "He didn't hurt me."
But he did, Althea wanted to say. She didn't. She took Carolina's hand instead. "I'll still do it, you know. I'll help you hide a body anytime, and I happen to know a great place." She was fully serious. She would happily drown Felix in the lake. It would be nice for the Giant Squid to have a new plaything. The corpse of a piece of shit in the place of some poor sap's homework. She thought it a fair enough trade.
"I – I-" Carolina struggled for words for a second. Her eyes were full of something Althea couldn't quite place – a mixture of fear and rage and grief and… desire. She grabbed Althea's face and pulled her forwards, silencing her own nervous stutters with a second kiss.
This one was longer. The tip of Carolina's tongue prodded at Althea's lips – she opened them, letting Carolina enter. She let out a soft squeak as Carolina's hand travelled to her breast. Fire ignited somewhere down there – and this time it was Althea who broke the kiss. Some part of her was screaming to keep going – but she couldn't. She knew that Carolina didn't mean it – and why would she? Althea was second best to everyone. Even to him- Felix, the boy who hurt Carolina time and again, in more ways than one.
"Why'd you stop?" Carolina whispered, her voice hoarse. She pushed a dark curtain of hair out of her eyes.
"I can't do this, Lina," Althea said. A warm tear trickled down her cheek, and fell, leaving a tiny circle on Carolina's pyjama pants. "Not when you still love him."
Carolina sniffed, tears of her own joining Althea's. "I'm so sorry, Thea."
"Don't be."
"We'll always be friends," she said, taking Althea's hand and squeezing it gently. "You and me, forever."
"Yeah," Althea agreed. She let out a bitter laugh, and with it her self-hatred grew. "Friends."
They stared at each other for a moment more, drinking each other in. There was still desire in Carolina's eyes – Althea wondered what would happen if she leaned in and kissed her again. It would be so easy – she was five centimetres away – what would happen if she allowed herself to forget all logic, just for a moment?
She forced her eyes away. She couldn't. Logic was the only thing she had. "I'm going to bed."
Carolina grabbed her arm, her face full of something Althea couldn't – didn't want to – place. "Althea-" she tried to say, but Althea didn't think she could listen anymore.
"Goodnight, Carolina," she said, before forcing herself to turn away and walk up the stairs towards their dormitory.
The others hadn't stirred. Althea got into bed, wrapped herself tightly in the quilt her grandmother had made. She raised a hand to her mouth, where Carolina's lips had been only moments before. The second and third tears of the night trailed down her face, leaking into the corner of her mouth, dripping onto her pillow with little splats. She could taste salt, and vanilla lip gloss – Carolina's signature. It wouldn't have been an unpleasant taste, if it weren't tinged with Althea's own heartbreak. She breathed in a deep, shuddering breath, trying not to hear her own sobs.
It was another half hour before Carolina came back to bed. Althea recognised her footsteps on the stairs – she had memorised the sound of Carolina's footsteps years ago. Only Carolina could stomp and yet still walk gracefully, holding herself upright with the grace one would expect from a ballerina.
Althea closed her eyes tight shut. She heard Carolina make her way to her bed – and then she heard her come closer. Althea could hear from her breathing that Carolina was standing over her, staring down. Althea's heart began to beat faster. She wasn't quite sure what she wanted – did she want Carolina to realise she was only pretending to sleep, and crawl under the blanket with her like she did when she was eleven and homesick? Or did she want to be left alone? She didn't know.
After an infinite moment, Carolina went back to her own bed. Althea opened her eyes, stared up at the ceiling. She knew that sleep would not come easy that night. For either of them.
It had happened months and months ago, and yet it could have been years. Never again did they mention it. Sometimes, Althea thought it had all been a dream, something her mind had made up to placate and simultaneously torture her. But then Carolina would do something – a fleeting look she thought Althea didn't notice, a gentle touch full of things she didn't say. And then Althea knew for certain that it had been real – it had actually happened. It wasn't just a daydream she'd wilfully believed was true.
Time passed. Carolina worked up the courage to dump Felix. Rebounded with Matt, then dumped him as well. Dumbledore died. Carolina held Althea's hand at the funeral. The ministry fell. The Carrows tortured their first student. Everything had changed in the span of a few short months, and not once did they speak of that night by the fire.
0o0o
Dear Penny, Althea wrote, sucking on the end of her quill as she wondered what to write. She knew that their letters were probably read before they were sent, and she didn't want to get herself into any trouble.
Sorry it took me so long to reply to your last letter, it's been quite busy lately. McGonagall and Flitwick are giving us so much homework. I'm not looking forward to NEWTs next year if the workload is anything like you said it was!
I can't say I'm having the best time here at school. Things are very different to last year – more different than I would have thought they would be. I can't be too specific – you know why. I understand now more than ever why Mum wanted me to stay at home, but despite everything, I'm glad to be here with my friends. By the way, Carolina told me to say hi.
We have a lot of homework, but I don't mind, it keeps us busy. Carolina is bouncing off the walls without Quidditch, but McGonagall is assigning about three essays a week so that's keeping her somewhat busy. We don't even have Duelling club to take our mind off things anymore – in fact, every club except Homework club has been banned. As you can imagine, things are supremely boring, and I unfortunately don't have any news for you. Any interesting news, that is.
How's your Charms internship going? I'm so jealous that you're in France, I wish I was there with you. Eat some pastries for me, okay? The house elves are good cooks and everything, but nothing can compare to a fresh croissant.
I can't think of anything else to say, and I have to go to Defence soon, so goodbye. Hope you're well, and please write back, I'd love to hear from you.
Lots of love,
Althea
PS Send me a Chocolate Frog or three, will you? I've eaten all of mine and I'm going CRAZY without my snacks. Can't even sneak to the kitchens now with the patrols in the hallways.
Setting her quill down on the desk, Althea waved the letter around in the air for the ink to dry. "Lina?" she called. Carolina poked her head out of the bathroom, toothbrush sticking out of her mouth. "Can I borrow Kevin? I need to get this letter to Penny in France."
Carolina gave her a thumbs up before disappearing from the doorway. Folding the letter as neatly as she cared to, Althea tied it to Kevin's leg. He woofed once before taking off, soaring out of the open window, taking her letter of lies with him. Boring was an outright fib. Things had only gotten worse since the start of the term – the Carrows soon proved that they could do worse than simply slap students across the face when they were angry. Althea hadn't yet experienced a Cruciatus yet, but a few of the Seventh Year Ravenclaw boys had. The Gryffindors were taking it the worst, though. Poor Ginny Weasley had copped at least four of them by now, and Neville Longbottom was quickly catching up to her – he was up to three, according to Luna. She'd always resented the attention the Gryffindors got, but now she was grateful for it.
She and Carolina had tried to keep their heads down, all of the girls in her dormitory keeping mainly to themselves – apart from Luna, of course, who was being just as idiotic as usual, still dancing around with the Gryffindors. She'll end up getting us all in trouble, Althea thought. Especially if she kept supporting Dumbledore so openly. Althea was scared. Would Luna be the next one tortured? Would the Carrows start to see Carolina, torture her for her Muggle mother?
"Penny for your thoughts?" Carolina said sweetly.
Althea looked at her and smiled. "How about two?"
Carolina pretended to sigh. "You drive a hard bargain, my friend."
Althea looked down at her hands. Fingers stained with ink, nails chewed down to the beds. She hadn't bitten them for ages – she'd kicked the habit in her fourth year – but her old vice had come back with a vengeance this year, rearing its ugly head. "I wrote nothing but lies."
"To Penny?"
"Yes." She hoped Penny would read between the lines – no clubs, patrols in the hallways. Surely that would say everything Penny needed to know – that things were shit under Snape's control. Her sister had always been a fan, and Althea knew she would pick up on the subliminal meanings behind Althea's words.
"That's not your fault," Carolina said, shrugging. She examined herself in Althea's mirror, and pushed her hair back from her forehead. "You can hardly tell her what's going on, can you? They're reading our mail, you'll get tortured."
"I know, but I still feel guilty. She'll know anyway that I'm lying, especially if she's still reading the prophet."
"Then she'll know that it's not your fault. She's a smart girl, Althea, she'll realise that you can't tell the truth without getting punished."
"I suppose you're right."
"Of course I'm right! I'm a genius, didn't you know?"
Althea pretended to smack herself in the head. "How on earth could I have forgotten?"
"I know, right?" Carolina said, grinning. She offered her arm, and pulled Althea to her feet. "Let's go face the day."
"Before we do that, you've toothpaste on your lip." Leaning forward, heart beating, Althea wiped the toothpaste away with her thumb.
Carolina's breath hitched, but she didn't say anything, her eyes drifting down to meet Althea's. Althea realised that her hand was still mere centimetres from Carolina's mouth, and pulled away, avoiding her friend's gaze.
0o0o
"Today," Amycus said, with a leering grin, "we'll be learning the Imperius curse."
Althea looked around the room, expecting to hear the protests and shouts of disbelief that had been prevalent in Muggle Studies and Defence the first few weeks. But her peers had learnt. Nobody protested it now, save for a few stupid Gryffindors who were always facing the consequences. The two classes weren't even really called Muggle Studies and Defence anymore. The Carrows and Syltherins called it Mudblood Studies – and though the official name was still Defence Against the Dark arts, it was really just the Dark Arts. That's what they'd been learning. That's what they may as well start calling it.
Carolina glanced at her – she could feel those dark eyes examining her – but Althea didn't give her any acknowledgement. Amycus clapped his hands once and the classroom door flew open with a bang that made them all jump. Ginny Weasley and Colin Creevey were escorted into the room by two Slytherins whose names eluded her. "Yer all lucky today, we have real-life test subjects to practise on," Amycus said. "These two are causing constant disruptions in class, and don't seem to learn despite corrections." The Slytherins shoved Ginny and Colin forwards. Colin stumbled, nearly losing his balance, but Ginny grabbed his arm and straightened him up, despite looking as though she might fall over herself.
Amycus pointed his wand at Colin. "Imperio," he said, and Colin's eyes glazed over. "The Imperius curse was invented in the Middle Ages by the old Ministry, used to force the old regime on people smart enough too think for themselves." Colin, whose face had been twitching, seemed to stop fighting and went still. He Began crossing the room, torturously slowly. "It was also used during the Witch Hunts by Mudbloods, used by them to steal magic from Purebloods."
Ginny Weasley's ears went red and she bit her lip, seemingly in an attempt to prevent herself from saying anything. Colin had, by now, reached the window.
He reached over and unlocked it. Althea's hand found Carolina's under the table. Colin stepped up onto the ledge. The classroom seemed to take a collective breath as they watched in fascinated horror. Colin lifted a foot and moved forward, his leg dangling in empty space. Oh god, Althea thought, her heart beating faster than she thought it had in her life, he's going to make Clin throw himself out the window.
There was a sudden gust of wind which made Colin move back slightly and nudge the window, making it creak loudly. This seemed to break the trancelike state everyone was in – they jumped to action. Ginny lunged forwards and knocked the wand out of Amycus' hand. Luna and Isobel jumped out of their seats at the back and grabbed Colin's robes, dragging him down from the window ledge. Althea sat there, holding Carolina's hand, knowing she should do something too but not knowing what.
Colin's face seemed to spill back into him, as though he had regained control of his body and mind. He was shockingly pale, and let out a horrified noise as he realised what had just happened. Luna put her arm around him in a fruitless attempt at comfort.
"How dare yeh!" Amycus roared, swinging around and punching Ginny in the face. The strike was hard enough to make her crumple to the ground. He pulled his hand back to strike her again. Colin charged to the front of the room with impressive speed, and blocked Amycus' hand from touching Ginny.
It was enough to apparently send Amycus off the rails – Althea watched with horror as he went as red as a tomato, screaming obscenities and threats at the two trembling Gryffindors, droplets of spit flying from his mouth. He seemed to scream forever – it had probably only been about ten minutes, but the sheer terror of the moment made it last. Althea would not have been surprised if he started hexing people at random. In his distraction, Amycus did not see Luna stand up and close the window, sealing it shut with some silent spell that Althea hoped would keep it closed forever.
After a while, he seemed to settle down. He let out a small giggle – it sent chills through Althea's body. It was the giggle of someone insane. Wiping his mouth, he turned away from Ginny and Colin, and faced the room again. His eyes met Althea's – she wanted to look away, but couldn't quite bring herself to do so. "Right," said Amycus. "Now it's time for all of yeh to give it a go."
Carolina and Althea shared a horrified glance. "What does he mean?" Carolina whispered.
"I don't know," Althea replied.
"Pair up," he said, answering her question for her. "Yer partner should not be in the same house."
Realising that he meant for the Slytherins to get in some target practice, a new wave of fear raced through Althea's body. She squeezed Carolina's hand one more time before letting go and standing up. She knew it would be stupid to protest – it would only mean even more severe repercussions later. She didn't know if that made her a coward or not, but to be honest she didn't really care.
She was going to play along. If it meant herself and her friends might stay safe a little longer, she would take whatever came her way. Althea might be second best, but at least she wouldn't be first dead.
So, I haven't updated this for a year. Uh, probably more than that. Oh well. I'm updating it now. This has been my favourite chapter to write so far.
If you haven't read my stuff before, you won't know that I put a song at the start of each chapter. I just pick ones that go with the general mood of what I've written. I find it helps me connect to the characters more.
Anyway. Hope you liked this. If you did, let me know! If you didn't, that's okay too, but respectfully fuck off. (That's a joke.)
Have a great day/night. See you in the New Year!
-Audrey :)