Chapter 121

As dawn began to arrive, a weary, very worried man, sat on the side of the bed and watched his girlfriend lose consciousness, her body positioned awkwardly enough it caused him to ask himself how on earth she could even be in that position, but she didn't seem uncomfortable. As much as he was tired from the ordeal, comparatively, Kate had reached the point of dehydration and exhaustion. Hopefully she was through the worst of what the virus had dealt her, if it was a virus. A half hour had gone since the last urge to vomit had occurred. In any case, the bucket was perched between her thighs. The complaints of nausea and dizziness had ceased once signs of dehydration and exhaustion had set in. She hadn't said much except beyond asking to go to bed. Castle had carried Kate to bed. His strong independent woman had been scarily limp in his cradled arms. The biggest surprise to him was how quickly she had lost weight.

Castle was absolutely certain Kate's unwellness was directly linked to shooting Coonan.

He had come to appreciate the impact killing another person had on Kate. She was a police officer who had been sworn into the department to protect the public, a core feature of her career - to serve and protect the citizens of her city. Even if Coonan was the person who had murdered her mother, who had threatened his life, she had gone against instincts and consequently she was guilt stricken and allowing herself to be whether she was conscious of it. To add to her stress, the NYPD was awarding her heroism. It had taken its toll and had burst this night.

He hadn't seen it coming, hadn't picked up on the signals, that she was dealing with a lot of shit too. Had he had not been a total jerk he would have recognised her signals. His disappearance for hours on end without checking in had resulted in his family and friends searching the city for him. Without consideration for anyone, especially Kate, he had acted out like he was the victim, the man who'd had a close shave with death. Most of the time he was cocky, confident and charismatic, but Coonan's attack had scared the fuck out of him.

As he relaxed, he made a promise to himself that he would ensure Kate received all the help she needed to get through this rough patch. He owed it to her. Owed her his life.

The consequences of Coonan's actions on all of them were grave. For him, the reason he'd been scared was right before him. He didn't want to leave Kate in this world alone, without him. They had barely commenced their life together and he didn't want her to suffer the traumatic loss of another person in her life. Playing cop, investigating with her at his side was the most passionate activity he'd ever experienced. Better than being the agent he was years ago.

Kate whined.

His eyes opened and he briefly caressed along her hair line. He made sure she was warm beneath the bedding then relaxed again.

Sleep must have caught up with Castle because when he next blinked his eyes open it was daylight and he heard someone in the living room. He sat up feeling stiff from being in the same awkward position, looked down at himself, still in a sweater and boxers, then to the bed to check on Kate. At first, he couldn't see her and began to think she was in the kitchen but then in the dim light, he noticed the brunette hair. He stood, leaned over the bed, a smile forming when he saw her face. She slept soundly and although she was pale, it appeared she was through the worst of it. The bucket had fallen to the floor. He picked it up on his way to the bathroom.

Beckett slept undisturbed through the morning and woke alone in Castle's bed close to 1.00 pm. On the nightstand there was a sweating bottle of milk with a wet sticky note stuck to it. Written in a black marker in Castle's writing was Drink this when you wake up. A smile formed as she reached for the bottle and read the rest of his message.

Contains milk with added protein.

There was also a bottle of water.

She sat up, swung her legs to the side of the bed, then drank most of the milk, decidedly thirsty. When she stood off the bed, dizziness overcame her, and she fell back to the safety of the bed. It was that moment her body decided it needed more rest. She didn't fight it, pulled the covers over her body and prepared herself to sleep some more.

Later in the afternoon, feeling unusually frail and lacking energy to use public transport, Beckett caught a cab home from the last mandatory psych session. Therapy had been an enduring hour in which she had struggled to concentrate.

Castle's absence had been noted by the therapist, but Kate had elected to shrug it off. She didn't know where he was and had grown tired of worrying about him. She had carried water all afternoon to rehydrate and for about the last ten or so minutes of therapy, ravenous hunger had set in. She had craved food so much she had almost asked the psychiatrist if he had any snacks stored in his desk drawer. It was manners that had held her back. Upon leaving the therapy early, stating she needed to use a bathroom, which hadn't been a like, she had located a 7-eleven store where she bought food rich with carbohydrates.

Kate went home after the counselling. The apartment heating was maintained at a low temperature in her absence but the coldness took away its homely. Before she'd extracted herself from her coat she cranked up the heating and switched the main living room lights on bringing ambience to the home. In winter, and it being January, it was commonplace for her to leave the heating set at a steady temperature, but spending nights at Castle's, caused her to lower it. Her dad had called while she had been in therapy. It was the time of year when they reminisced about her mother. This year it hadn't been in her consciousness so much. The truth was, she wasn't in the mood to reminisce with her father. There were other things that bothered her right now, things that he wouldn't understand. He was also worried about her, about shooting Coonan but right now she just didn't want to be in that space.

She needed to attend to a few chores and once they were done she found her cell phone to make a couple of calls.

* *. *. *

"Lanie, it's me."

"Kate?"

Kate grimaced hearing Lanie's tone of concern. "Are you on shift?"

"Yes and on an all-nighter."

"Want company, like living?"

Lanie snorted with amusement. "You mean someone that will actually reply to me? Yes, of course."

"Well, let me in. I'm out front."

"Be right there."

"How are you?" Lanie asked a minute or so later as she held opened the glass door.

"My first response is cold." Kate stepped inside, dressed in a black coat and pink scarf. The ladies had a quick hug as the door automatically closed them securely into the morgue.

"Your cheek is so cold."

"Mm. It's going to snow tonight. It's freezing," Kate replied and walked with Lanie down the dim corridor to the one examination suite that was brightly lit up. "I don't know how you work here alone, Lanie. Creepy."

"I have the company of the orderlies coming and going and the dieners are usually here." Lanie pushed open the swinging doors into the suite and Kate followed, pulling off her coat and scarf. She left them hanging across an office chair the only place she was comfortable with the clothing being.

"How have you been, Lanie?"

"Good thank you, but more important how are you and Castle holding up? Espo mentioned Castle's gone off the rails a bit. Disappearing act and all."

"Well yeah, he has, and I'd say more than a bit. He's totally in denial about that." Beckett followed her friend to the examination table upon which a body was laid out prone covered by a clean blue sheet, but from the knees down the body was exposed. She kept a safe distance and tidied her purple roll neck sweater down over her jeans while Lanie pulled on surgical gloves.

"Have you tried to talk to him?" Lanie asked and slid the sheet down in a neat fold revealing the corpse's face.

"Oh." Kate expressed with repulsion. "Excuse me but what the heck happened to him?" She leaned in to take a closer inspection of the distorted facial features now frozen in time.

"I going to find that out tonight. Teddy here, was delivered earlier today wearing a corporate suit. My colleague reported he died in the middle of an executive meeting."

"Oh, then that's easy. Stress did it." Kate quipped.

"Stress doesn't do that to a face, Kate."

"Fair point. I don't know how you do this job, but I do appreciate it's an important role in the community." She perched herself upon a stool, feeling a little queasy with all the smells of chemicals, bodily fluids and death. Not to ignore the hours she'd been unable to hold a thing down, but those house must have lowered her tolerance of odours. There was nothing in her stomach to bring up because she hadn't eaten most of the day, but it didn't stop the ill feeling.

"You okay? You look awfully pale tonight." Lanie said. She drew her instrument table closer.

"I'm good now. I had a stomach bug during the night, slept most of today, but I'm pretty much right again." She confirmed her statement with a press of the lips.

"You don't look right. Sit over there." Lanie pointed at a stool outside her office that Kate contemplatively looked at then dismissed.

"Lanie, I'm fine where I am." She patted the side of the stool.

"Sit. Over. There."

Beckett momentarily chewed on Lanie's orders, but decided she was better off complying. She stood but stubbornly stared down Lanie even if she knew it was useless to argue.

After she was seated on the second stool, Lanie disposed of her gloves then went to her office and returned with a stethoscope and blood pressure meter. Beckett's unamused expression changed to curiosity.

"Hey Lanie, I hate to point out the obvious, but why do you have those instruments here?"

Lanie gave her a questionable look.

"Morgue? Your patients don't have a blood pressure let alone a pulse."

The ME laughed. "I'm still a doctor, Kate. I can treat the living."

"And when's the last time you used a stethoscope in this morgue?"

"Sit still and deep breaths." Lanie patiently ordered, "I wouldn't be able to examine you if I didn't have them here, would I?"

"I guess not." Kate obeyed the doctor's request and waited while she listened to her lungs and heart. She was aware Lanie's instinct to provide medical aid was something she needed to do. As a friend, Kate periodically allowed Lanie to doctor her, as she did now. It was probably one of the reasons she had turned up here tonight, just to have someone check her over, to reassure her that she's okay. She didn't feel 100% so Lanie's opinion mattered. There was a thoughtful grunt from Lanie, then she rolled the blood pressure unit closer.

"Hold out your arm, Kate," she soft

Kate held out her left arm then relaxed, but watched Lanie wrap the cuff around her upper arm. Seconds later the cuff began to fill with air and the doctor placed her stethoscope beneath the cuff. She extracted the stethoscope from her ears and hung it around her neck with a thoughtful grunt.

"Your blood pressure is low but everything else is within range."

Kate grunted agreement, conscious of the low blood pressure based on how she generally felt. She remained submissive as the ME put a finger to her chin and tilted her head back. She inspected her eyes.

"Have you eaten?"

"Not much. I've kept milk down."

"Milk?"

"Mm. Surprising, but yes."

"Water? You're dehydrated."

"You would understand why if you saw how ill I was, vomiting," she looked up at Lanie who rolled her eyes with impatience. "I've been drinking water all afternoon."

"You should have called me. I could have given you something to ease the nausea."

"At three in the morning?"

"I was here."

"Yeah, well, I think a lot of it was in my head, Lanie. Pent up emotions. Castle thinks I had a stomach bug."

"Possibly either. Could you be pregnant?"

"Yes, it's possible, but no I'm not. Last week." She smiled, "So we can strike that off the list."

"Okay. Keep drinking that water." Lanie pointed in the general direction of Kate's belongings. "Where is Castle?"

"I don't know, Lanie. At home I guess." Kate grumbled. "He was out when I left his place and ghosted my call. He skipped counselling."

"Maybe counselling doesn't help him."

"I agree."

"But he should come here and take you home."

"No." Kate frowned, "I'm fine. I don't need saving."

"You need some time with him. You're a frontline worker and what you did would be traumatic for anyone and is against all your instincts and training."

"I did what I had to do to save Rick. I love him."

"He loves you a lot, Kate, but, right now, you must take care of you. You're not 100% and he needs to feed you up with comfort, let you feel secure so you can work through it, and I'm sure he would if he saw you like this."

"Like what-?" She absently responded gazing down at the back of her hand that Lanie had just finished pinching. Every part of her body was thinner and sipping on the water wasn't hydrating her enough. The appetite to consume food and drink wasn't there since the pangs of hunger in therapy had been satisfied with the snack. Her mind was mostly occupied thinking about the inciting event that had caused Castle to run off the rails; to cause her to feel ill.

"You don't look great, Honey."

"Castle's not helping, Lanie. He keeps going on these hours of absenteeism and then turns up and acts like everything is alright."

Lanie sat opposite Kate and reached for her hand she then held it in both of hers. "I know you've been to therapy because of this, but I'm more inclined to believe that Rick's behaviour is worrying you enough to have attributed to making you ill. And, now you've experienced the possibly of losing him you're dealing with processing that because you've been through that ordeal already."

Kate pressed her lips and shrugged her right shoulder. A tear escaped her left eye.

"My Dad tells me he worries about me all the time."

"And now you have that worry being with Castle in a relationship?"

"It's no longer a game of bickering and pretending I dislike his presence on the job."

"It became a matter of life or death."

Kate gave a nod, swiped across her cheek and looked to the wall of stainless steel doors. "It could have been Rick in that wall."

"But it's not."

A smile broke and she cried a little, "Thank God. I will figure it out."

"Take your time."

"Is he here, Lanie? Coonan?"

Lanie momentarily stared at her friend, then nodded, "He is. Mortuary transports him tomorrow."

Kate bit her lip. "May I see him?"

"Is that a good idea?"

She stood up. "I'm not sure, but I need to put this to rest. I cannot get the sight of him out of my mind." With hands held up she said, "Every night I'm waking with the image of blood all over my hands. Like a Shakespearean play."

"Okay. Hopefully it will put closure on it for you and Shakespeare."