Regret

Characters: Shachi, Law, Penguin, Heart Pirates. Rating: T. Warnings: mentions of major injury

There was nothing gentle about Shachi's return to consciousness. Often, he floated somewhere between awake and asleep for a while, gradually acclimatising to the situation before his senses fully returned to him. This time, awareness crashed over him like a tonne of bricks, as if he'd jerked awake from a nightmare, leaving him grasping at straws of reality to ground himself.

"Shachi?" a voice asked, but the ginger paid it no mind, attention stolen by the way his nerves seemingly cut off just before his shoulders, nothing but a void where his arms should be. Memories slammed into the forefront of his mind; being caught, cruel laughter, the pain. A searing agony that took his breath and voice away in one fell swoop as his arms tore, warm blood trickling down his skin.

No!

He jerked forwards, trying to sit up, to see his shoulders. His arms. A firm hand pressed down on his chest, restraining him and stilling his movements. It was off-centre, a little to the left; right over his heart.

"Don't move," the voice said again, gentle but firm like the hand.

"My arms!" he gasped, fighting the pressure to no avail. "I can't-"

"It's okay," he was told, and the fog cleared from his brain enough to recognise Penguin's presence, the older man bent over him in thinly veiled concern. "Don't worry, it's just anaesthetic." Shachi stopped struggling, staring at Penguin in muted comprehension as the words and their implications settled in.

"They're not..?" he asked, unable to finish the sentence, to voice what could have happened, had been happening.

"They're still attached," Penguin said calmly, although his fingers were trembling lightly. "Law already did the surgery, you just need to rest now." He looked away for a moment, his gaze settling on something Shachi couldn't see from where he was lying, and he was far too tired and shaken to even consider focusing his haki. "I promised I'd wake Law when you came to," he said, sounding apologetic. "He's just in the next bed, hang on a moment?" There was a pleading note in his voice, but Shachi wasn't paying any attention to him again.

Law.

He remembered Law's face, like he remembered fighting to get free and pain. He remembered his captain, just standing there, watching. Penguin, too, and more of his nakama behind. They'd watched, just watched as he was dangled in powerful arms like a ragdoll, doing nothing.

Somewhere, deep in the recesses of his mind, rationality whispered that they'd been frozen in shock, couldn't have moved no matter how much they wanted to. He'd been there himself, knew intimately what it was like to watch in muted horror while muscles ceased taking orders from the brain.

Shachi's mind wasn't listening to rationality, stuck in the rut of they watched, they didn't help as it circled around and around in his mind.

Tousled black hair invaded his sight, followed by a pale face with red indents of fabric and eyes bright with weariness. The implications were lost on Shachi, who opened his mouth to croak a single word before Law could finish gathering himself together.

"Why?"

Law blinked, confusion gathering in his tired eyes.

"Shachi?" he asked, gently, as if he thought he wasn't in his right mind. "It's okay," he continued after a moment, just before Shachi could clarify his question. "The surgery was a success, you just need to rest to let it take, then your arms will be operational again. The anaesthesia is to make sure you don't move it accidentally."

Shachi couldn't care les about any of that, not right now when the betrayal of being abandoned to his fate had swollen to encompass almost all of his brain.

"Why didn't you save me?" he rasped, his weak voice cracking halfway through. "You were there, you were right there, and you… you just watched."

Law's face turned stricken, half horrified, half guilt-ridden. Beside him, Penguin's face matched his perfectly.

"I…" his captain said, faltering. "I…" He fell to his knees, the impact reverberating clearly along the metal flooring. "Oh, Shachi, I'm sorry. I'm so, so, sorry!" Tattooed hands groped wildly, eventually settling for his shoulder, half on the numbness, half burning his skin with the raw emotion. "I… I froze up, I couldn't move, couldn't think. I just shut down, I'm sorry, Gods, I'm sorry!"

The grip was too tight, hot fingers clenching as if he'd disappear any second without them there to ground him to the mortal plane. Sobs echoed in the air, broken, heart-wrenching sobs as Law buried his face in Shachi's sheets.

The rational part of Shachi's brain forgave him instantly; Law was blameless, that could happen to the best of them. He was still alive, still had his arms, so they must have done something after he blacked out, rallying themselves just in time to save him when it really mattered.

He still wasn't listening to the rational part, letting the crazed, terror-fuelled instincts do the thinking for him, and turned his head away, unable to shed the feeling of betrayal even though this was Law and he was beating himself up over it enough even without Shachi adding fuel to the fire. Penguin, too, he supposed, although he could barely see the other man from where he stood a little behind Law, looking at least as distraught as their captain.

Shachi couldn't deal with those faces, not now while everything was still sinking in.

"Get out," he said, the words mumbling together as they left his mouth and became acquainted with the pillow half covering his mouth. There were twin intakes of breath, sharp and painful.

"Shachi-" one of them started, he didn't care enough to sort out their voices.

"Out," he repeated, voice sharper this time as he moved his head a fraction so it wouldn't be swallowed by the bed linen. Another broken sob and then the pressure on his shoulder lifted. A hand carded through his hair, just once, but he stoically refused to look up and meet their gaze. Another devastated sigh and footprints began to recede, pausing a short distance away.

"Call if you need us," one said, not moving for several long seconds as if they were hoping Shachi would change his mind. He didn't.

Shifting his head was the closest he could get to rolling onto his side, stubbornly facing away from the door as it shut, so that was what he did, finally catching sight of an arm-shaped lump by his side, where it should be even if he couldn't feel it at all. From it were several thin tubes, running various liquids into his dead arm, and at the sight of them the rational part of his brain gained a slightly louder voice, wishing he'd kept his mouth shut because none of it was Law's fault and he shouldn't have taken it out on him and Penguin.

They'd understand, of course. Painkillers strong enough to completely cut off all sensation from his arm certainly had the ability to mess with his brain and Law would know that better than anyone. It didn't stop any of it hurting – his sharp words, or the perceived betrayal – and he gulped in a large breath, wanting to go back to sleep where the pain stopped and his tongue wasn't a razor edge but unable to fall back under.

He couldn't sleep, but he feigned it whenever the door opened, because if they thought it was asleep they wouldn't bother him and then he wouldn't lash out at his undeserving nakama. He had no idea how many of them were really fooled, several coming to sit by his bedside and some even talking to him in a low voice. They apologised for being useless, told him what had become of the enemies (and Shachi would have hugged them for that if he could), wished him a swift recovery. It was all low-volume, and gentle enough that he could continue to pretend he was asleep, so he did.

He refused to face them again until the painkillers wore off and he knew his thoughts and words were truly his own once more.

Continuation from yesterday's Ruin, where painkillers do their job but have negative effects on the psyche in the process.

Thanks for reading!
Tsari