Disclaimer: I don't own Divergent.
I come out of the simulation with a panicked yell. My lip stings. I put my hand to my mouth, and when I take it away, there's blood on my fingertips.
Damn. I must've bitten my lip during the test.
The Dauntless woman administering my aptitude test gives me a strange look. Her name's Tori, I remember that much about her. Through Abnegation eyes, she looks freakish, even creepy. Her raven-black hair is tied back in a messy knot, and her arms are marked up and down with flame tattoos.
"When you were in the simulation… were you aware that it wasn't real?" Tori asks as she turns the machine off. She looks and sounds casual, but I'm not easily deceived. It's a practiced casualness, the kind Marcus uses to get me to confess my sins.
Suddenly, I'm aware of my own heartbeat. During my test, I knew where I really was. I knew that while it felt like I was standing in the cafeteria, I was actually sitting in the metal chair, my body hooked up to the machine by the wires. That was pretty bizarre. But I don't get how it could be an issue.
I consider telling Tori the truth. At the last second, I change my mind. That tone of voice she used always precedes bad news.
"No," I finally tell her. "If I was, do you think I would've chewed through my lip?"
Tori gapes at me for a moment. I'm paranoid she might see through my lies, but then she says, "Congratulations. Your result was textbook Abnegation."
I nod, but the word "Abnegation" feels like a noose wrapped around my throat. That single declaration is, for me, the equivalent of a death sentence.
"Aren't you pleased?" Tori nudges me.
Might as well say something true. "My faction members will be."
"I didn't ask about them, I asked about you." Tori's mouth turns down at the corners, like she's upset about something. "I promise, this is a safe room. You can say whatever you want here."
"I'm pleased," I insist, a bit too harshly. It won't take Tori's suspicion away, but then again, nothing will. I don't care what any adult says. There are no safe rooms, no safe secrets to tell. My experience with Marcus beat that lesson into me.
I can still visualize the dog attacking me in the simulation, its pointy teeth tearing my skin. I get up out of the chair and start toward the door, but before I can go, Tori's hand closes around my elbow.
"You're the one who has to live with your choice," she says, sounding deadly serious. "Everyone else will get over it, move on, no matter what you decide. But you never will."
Can she read my mind? I suddenly want to get as far away from her as possible. I open the door and walk out, hoping to find Eric in the horde of students.
I couldn't find him.
Sighing in disappointment, I pick up my belongings from my table in the cafeteria. The other Abnegation have already left, along with the kids from the other factions. They could be at the bus stop for over an hour, letting the others get on in front of them. Some aspects of life in my faction are beyond comprehension.
Instead of leaving through the front entrance, I slip out a side door, emerging behind the school. Walking quickly on the path, I tread over gum wrappers and old cigarette butts. I usually stroll along carefully, not wanting to soil my shoes, but today's different. I'm feeling defiant today, and all I want to do is enjoy myself.
Then I suddenly hear his voice. "Hey, Toby!" My head snaps around, but I still can't see him.
"Over here!" I look up and glimpse Eric waving from a spot ten feet above me. He's standing on the concrete, right next to a steep incline that would take me to street level. I hurry to join him.
"Man, what took you so long?" My breaths become ragged as I run. "I was this close to filing a missing-persons report." I lift a hand, pinching my index finger and thumb together so they're just barely touching.
"Hilarious." Eric rolls his eyes. "I figured you'd sneak out the back door, so I waited for you here."
"Nice of you," I say sarcastically. "Now we've only got five minutes to hang out." I make it to the same place where my friend's standing. He's not moving now, just looking at me.
"Shit," he spits out. "Marcus coming to escort you?"
The way he hisses the name like it's somehow cursed, it's as though Marcus abused him, too. The smile that materializes on my face is twisted, and sad. "Uh-huh. He'll be happy, no doubt."
"Why?" Eric demands. He looks seriously worried. "Don't tell me. You got…"
I fill in the blanks for him. "Abnegation." His face falls almost immediately.
"And you?" I ask him. I'm trying to find a bright spot in the gloom, but I really don't think I will. I attempt to keep my voice steady. "Erudite, right?"
Eric's slight nod confirms it.
"Oh, man," he blurts. Something like crazed laughter escapes him. His shoulders shake as he tries to get himself under control. He fails and laughs some more. "We're totally screwed," he announces to nobody in particular. The blazing light of the setting sun lands on his face. As if it's become too much to handle, he turns in the other direction so he's facing his own shadow.
I speak up suddenly. I'm in a rush, but I have to be. "Seriously, though. No more of that. I just heard from that lady who taught you in elementary. Didn't you call her Ms. Matthews?"
That's the name that sounds most familiar. The pretty blonde from Erudite is now in her forties, but I don't think Eric's schoolboy crush on her ever went away. As kids, Eric would brag about how often his teacher gave him extensions on his assignments. And if he was feeling down about something, his teacher would meet him after school to give him extra encouragement.
The mention of her cheers Eric up. "Yeah, she's Erudite's representative now," he tells me.
"Right," I say. "She said she's recommending you for this leadership thing."
"For real?" Eric stares at me, not yet persuaded. I want to tell him to have more faith in himself. But I guess if I grew up in a family where my parents and sister are overachievers, I'd be hard-pressed to believe it, too.
"Yeah," I go on. "In Dauntless. They're looking for a young leader. Someone from our generation." I watch Eric, preparing to drop the bomb. "Ms. Matthews said you'd be perfect. You just have to do good in initiation."
The more I consider it, the more appealing it seems. If Eric and I both transfer to Dauntless, we'd be free of the restrictive roles created for us by Erudite and Abnegation, respectively. For Eric, this means no more nights spent sweating over ten-page papers. For me, this means no more disciplinary talks from Mrs. Brewster. It's a win-win, despite all that I've heard about Dauntless training. Even if it is too strenuous for me to physically take, I'll have my brother next to me. That alone would keep me going.
Eric's still unwilling. "Sounds like they're baiting us," he says.
"No, think about it." My voice rises a little, along with my enthusiasm. "We go to Dauntless together. You get to go into leadership, and…"
"And you?" Eric's eyebrows go up as he glances at me.
"Me, well…" I pause. "I won't be scared of Marcus anymore." I say it firmly, because it's the truth.
"So, switching to Dauntless, that's what you want?" Eric's eyes are glued to mine. He wants to be completely sure, and so do I. This is the one choice we're making that can't ever be taken lightly. It'll affect everything from our living arrangements to our future spouses to the time we're allowed together.
But I don't feel that much pressure building up inside me. Not anymore. In its place is the comforting feeling that I've chosen correctly.
I answer Eric's question. "Sure," I say.
Right then, I hear a whistling in the distance. The source is an oncoming train. It thunders by on the tracks, dozens of heavily pierced and tattooed faces staring back from the windows. They're clearly Dauntless. They're probably heading home.
As if on instinct, I step closer to the tracks, the wind rushing through my hair. I feel a sudden surge of adrenaline. Twenty-four hours from now, I might be one of those people riding the rails, savoring the breeze, experiencing freedom. I might be Dauntless.
Eric's eyes hang on mine. I imagine he's thinking the same. "Well," he begins, "if you change your mind…"
Awkwardly, he shifts from foot to foot, never taking his gaze off me. "You don't need to tell me," he finishes. He swallows hard. "Just do what you have to do."
"Alright," I assure him.
The train's already gone. The sun hangs ever lower in the sky, casting elongated shadows on the ground. In a few minutes, Marcus will come to get me. Eric and I say our goodbyes, then he turns and walks toward the front of the school.
Just one more night, I think, steeling myself for Marcus' arrival. Just one more stretch of time that you'll spend with that monster. After that, you'll be free, and your life's only gonna get better.
For the first time in months, when Marcus tracks me down, he sees me smiling.
Eric has to stay after school, and he's not happy about it.
Right now, he's kneeling on the floor, furiously scrubbing underneath the desks with a dirty dishcloth. Most days, he doesn't mind being told to clean. It can be relaxing work, and he can usually tune out his classmates' pointless chitchat.
But not today. This time around, the voices from the front of the classroom are just too damn loud. One belongs to a teenage girl, her saccharine lilt making Eric feel sick.
"And I just happened to get the highest score in the whole grade," she's saying to the woman seated across from her. "Out of seven hundred honors students."
"Good for you!" The plump, red-cheeked lady claps her hands together in congratulations. "Perhaps, in the future, I'll find myself working for you."
The girl giggles. "Oh, Ms. Palacio. You're too kind."
"And what about you?" Eric does a double take when he sees Ms. Palacio eyeing him. Her stare feels invasive, even predatory. "What are your plans?"
"Me?" Eric chokes out, after a pause.
Now it's the girl's turn to study him. Eric looks back at her. Dressed neatly in a spotless blue blouse and a pleated skirt, she's the picture of Erudite elitism. Her long blond hair is perfectly straight and free of so much as a bit of fuzz. "Wait a second," she's saying. "You're Eric, right?"
Before Eric can get one word out, she plows on. "You must be really smart. I heard you ranked second in the entire school." The girl smiles, and this time, she looks genuinely friendly. "I'm Cara. It's nice to meet you."
"You, too," says Eric. "What rank were you?"
"Oh, I was first." She says it casually, as if she were listing a fun fact about herself.
Eric has to look down to hide his mortification and shame. He pretends to be occupied with his cleaning, but inside, he feels like he might suffer a breakdown.
Why do I even care? he wants to scream at himself. I'm not gonna be Erudite anymore! I'll be Dauntless, for God's sake!
Cara's sugary-sweet voice pierces the silence. "What faction are you going to?" she asks.
Eric imagines he's being interrogated. "Uh… I was thinking Dauntless," he finally gets out.
"Dauntless?" Cara's eyes widen. There's a hint of glee behind them. "I have a little brother who's transferring there. His name's Wilfred. He goes by Will. Maybe…" Now Cara goes in for the kill. Her gaze boring into Eric, she says, "Maybe, when you become a member, you'll be the one teaching him."
Teaching.
Eric clamps his teeth together to keep from returning the insult. "Thanks, I guess," he snaps.
He goes on scrubbing the desks in complete silence. Ms. Palacio continues to worship at Cara's feet, gushing about how polite, well-mannered, and humble she is. Of course. The guidance counselor is from Amity. In her faction, there's no such thing as a low-level job. She doesn't get it.
An hour later, Cara finally leaves. Eric cleans the gum off the last of the desks and finishes mopping the floor. "Alright, I'm done," he announces.
"Thank you so much," Ms. Palacio simpers. All of a sudden, she looks thoughtful. "May I speak with you for a moment, please?"
"Okay," says Eric, as he tries to appear bored.
"Forgive me for intruding. I know I've got no right to decide your future." Ms. Palacio trots forward and places a gentle hand on Eric's shoulder. "But, sweetheart, I don't think Dauntless is the right place for you."
What the hell? Eric glowers at the guidance counselor. "What do you mean?" he asks, his voice acidic.
Ms. Palacio gives him a look of pity, like she thinks he can't be helped. "Well," she chirps, "don't you want to relax, to enjoy life? It's already so short, and you're wasting it, running a race you might never finish."
"How do you know?" Eric demands. He wants to sound angry, but he's stunned. Ms. Palacio might actually be right about him.
"I've had similar experiences," the Amity woman confesses. All the humor is gone from her expression. "I was born in Erudite, and my brother transferred to Dauntless. He was tired of competing with his friends for good grades. So he went to Dauntless, and competed with his friends for a decent job."
Tears glitter in her eyes. "Eventually, the pressure got to him. He took his own life, and nothing's been the same since."
"God," Eric stammers. "I'm… sorry."
Ms. Palacio wears a sad smile. "Don't be. I learned something from my brother." Here, she leans forward and whispers in Eric's ear, like she's revealing a big secret. "If you gotta pick between the logical choice and the kind choice… you always, always make the kind choice."
"Every single time?" scoffs Eric.
Ms. Palacio ignores his attempt at mockery. "Every single time. That's why I went to Amity." She clasps one of Eric's hands in hers. "Now, you still want to go to Dauntless?" For such a short, perky-looking woman, she's surprisingly strong, and Eric can't wrench his hand free.
"Um…" Eric hurries to form words. "I'll think about it."
"Fair enough." Ms. Palacio releases him from her grip. "But you need to promise me. No matter where you go, try to make the kind choice."
She hugs him tight, probably to make him feel at ease, but now Eric's repulsed by her. Once he's fled the room, he wipes his hand on the hem of his shirt.
Outside, he meanders along the path, not wanting to reach his house too early. Tomorrow is when the Choosing Ceremony will take place, and he needs time to rethink his decision.
Dauntless… or Amity? The logical choice… or the kind choice?
A block away, several Amity girls are playing with a jump rope. They look so carefree, so unburdened by the problems of the world. Their voices join as they sing a rhyming song, their colorful flip-flops slapping the sidewalk to the beat. It doesn't matter if one of them's losing the game, they're all equal. In harmony, as people ought to be.
Eric fantasizes about joining them. It's tempting, the urge to throw it all away and run off to live on a farm somewhere. There, he'd have an entire community to turn to. They'd be warm and immediately accepting, and none of them would judge him for his past.
But then he reaches the spot next to the railroad tracks, where he and Tobias stood, and the sound of the approaching train gives him pause. He was supposed to go to Dauntless with his brother, the one person who actually was his friend all these years. Would it be a betrayal, to pick what's best for him over what's best for the two of them?
The logical choice… or the kind choice? A whole group of friends… or the friend who's more like family?
A damn shame, Eric thinks, that in this world, you don't get to have both.
AN: So much to unpack here! Well, you already know what they'll choose. The next chapter is my favorite so far. Till next time, guys!