Disclaimer: I don't own Divergent.
The Dauntless compound is the ideal place to recover. The gloomy darkness swallows up any needless light or noise. It's full of quiet, hidden places, places that appear to be secret.
I find a short hallway near the Pit, sitting down with my back leaning against the wall. I like how the stone's so cold, it's like it's leaching the heat from my skin. My headache hasn't lessened in intensity, and neither have the various aches and pains from the fight, but now I'm not registering any of them. I look down at my knuckles, which are tacky with blood, Jason's. I could rub it off, but it's been drying too long.
Having won the fight, it'll be a while before I have to worry about getting cut from Dauntless. I should be smiling, accepting handshakes and pats on the back, not hiding away. Maybe even feeling smug, knowing I defied Marcus and found somewhere I belong. I'm finally among people whose eyes don't avoid mine at the lunch table. But it seems that with every good thing that comes along, there's a high price to pay.
I beat Amy in my second fight. In exchange, I shed my own skin and wore that of my worst enemy. Then I snuck out with Amar and the other Dauntless and spent all night partying. In exchange, I got so sick I almost lost my most important fight. Then I harnessed all the rage inside of me in order to defeat Jason. In exchange, I went overboard with the violence, further than I've ever dared to go before.
What's the total cost of turning Dauntless? Will I know it before I unwittingly pay?
I'm wrapped in silence, so it gives me a shock to hear someone knocking on the stone wall, like it's a door. I look up and see Shauna. "Whoa. You startled me."
"Sorry 'bout that." She's grinning at me, but with no hostility. "Just wanted to say congrats."
She takes a seat on the floor across from me, her back against the opposite wall. Now our feet are just inches apart. I don't know why I care, though. Well, yes I do. She's a girl.
Memories of my failed first relationship come rushing back. I hope my nervousness doesn't show while I'm talking to this girl. You can never know what to expect from a Dauntless girl.
"Did you hear?" Shauna's grin gets more pronounced. "You broke Jason's nose."
"'Kay," I say ambiguously. Do I let her know I'm not exactly thrilled about that? It wouldn't seem very Dauntless of me.
But Shauna's already changing the subject. "Can you…" She looks down for several long moments. "Okay, this sounds weirdly off-putting. But could you spare a couple of days to help me?"
As I said before, Dauntless girls are unpredictable. "Help you with what?"
"Fighting. I'm no good at it. I keep getting humiliated in the arena." Shauna shakes her head. "In a few days, I'll have to face off with this girl named Ash. She's unbelievably good, and I'm scared she'll literally kill me."
"So why do you want me?" I ask, suddenly on edge. "Is it 'cause I'm Abnegation, and we're supposed to help people?"
"What? No," she says, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "I want you 'cause you're the best in your group right now."
I have to laugh. "No, I'm not."
"Jason was the only undefeated one, and you just crushed him, so yeah, you are," says Shauna. The look on her face says she believes this with her whole heart.
I give in. "Okay, I'll help," I say, putting a hand up to placate her. "I just don't really know how."
"We'll figure it out," she says. "See you around?"
I nod at her, and she grins, gets up, and starts to leave. But a few steps down the hall, she turns back and looks at me one last time.
"Quit sulking already," she chastises me gently. "Everyone's in awe of you. Embrace it."
As I watch her silhouette turn the corner and vanish, something dawns on me. I was so disturbed by my actions during the fight, I didn't consider all the implications of me beating Jason. I may now be first in my class. Yeah, I chose Dauntless as an escape, but I'm not just doing great, I'm excelling enough that I might be ranked higher than Eric.
I look again at Jason's blood on my knuckles and smile.
The next morning, I take a calculated risk. I decide to sit with Zeke and Shauna at breakfast. Clearly, she's not an early riser. Shauna slumps over her food and responds to the ongoing conversation in grunts. Zeke's yawning as he refills his cup of coffee, but for the most part, he's up and ready to go.
He points out his family to me. His little brother, Uriah, sits at another table with Lynn, Shauna's sister. Their mom, Hana, is still in the breakfast line. I swear, Hana's the tamest Dauntless I've ever seen. Only way I can tell she's from here is by the color of her clothing.
"Do you miss being at home?" I ask Zeke.
"Not really," he answers, shrugging. "I mean, my family's right here. I talk to them whenever, even though I'm technically not allowed to."
He takes a bite out of his blueberry muffin. The Dauntless sure do love their baked goods, the same way the Erudite like their energy drinks. There're always at least two different kinds of cake at dinner, and right now a mountain of muffins rests at the end of the breakfast line. When I got there, all the good flavors were already taken, so I had to settle for bran.
I nod at Zeke. Next to me, Shauna's eyes are sliding shut, and she seems to be falling asleep with her chin on her hand.
"What about you?" asks Zeke. "Do you miss home?"
"Nope," I say without hesitation. To further drive this point home, I flash Zeke a grin while I finish chewing the rest of my muffin.
When I'm done eating, Zeke hits me with another question. "Where's your Erudite friend?"
I casually lift a shoulder. "He's not up yet," I tell Zeke.
My new friend's about to respond, but just then Shauna's chin slips off her hand and she smashes her chocolate muffin with her face.
"Whoops!" Before my brain can process it, I'm rolling with laughter. Zeke is too, to the point where he has tears in his eyes.
This is an underrated perk of being Dauntless.
Today is Visiting Day. Eric's feeling conflicted about that.
"Mama!" Several yards below him, someone crows with joy. A Dauntless-born initiate with blue streaks in her hair runs forth to meet her mom.
"Give me a hug, baby girl," the mother practically orders her daughter. Her muscular arms embrace the girl. Eric studies them, feeling like what he's witnessing is too personal and intimate for him to watch.
He turns away from the Pit and, in his mind, runs through all the different possible outcomes of this day. Option one, his family never shows up, meaning they've disowned him. Option two, they do show up, but they're pissed off at him for leaving without a goodbye. Option three, they show up and, to save face, they pretend to approve of his choice.
Which would be best? There's no way to tell till Visiting Day concludes.
Then all of a sudden, a nasally feminine voice rises above the others. "Hey!" Megan's shouting at Eric. He whirls and sees her standing some distance away, waving her hand to get his attention. "Over here!"
"Megan," Eric gets out. Yes, it's his younger sister, and the rest of the family's all bunched up next to her. Moving like a robot, Eric starts to approach them.
His parents look just like they did when he left them. Groomed, impressively dressed, perfectly put together. Their pores scrubbed till no dirt, or emotion, remains on their faces. Yet Eric can tell something's changed in his mother. Is it the way she walks, or the manner in which she lays eyes on her son?
"Mom, Dad," Eric greets them when he's close enough. "Why'd you come here?"
Maggie ignores the question, instead she wordlessly wraps both of her arms around Eric's middle. She holds them there for an eternity, until her son actually feels mortified. Finally, she speaks. "Oh, Eric," she practically sobs. "I missed you every day."
Inside, Eric's thinking, What sick game is she playing?
A full minute passes before Maggie's grip loosens. She takes a step back, scrutinizing her son's face, and as she does so, everyone else gets a glimpse of the cuts and bruises. "What the…" Jeffrey's eyes bug out like two golf balls. "Insane! Somebody clocked you in the face!"
"It's nothing," Eric says evasively. "Happens all the time here."
Jeffrey's not convinced. "Seems like these people are all wack-jobs," he mutters, his voice laced with scorn.
"Dad!" Megan whispers fiercely. "Stop it," she adds, at a much lower volume.
Maggie seems to not hear the exchange between them. Her attention is solely on Eric. "Are you okay, son?" she asks. She can't stop looking at the damage done to Eric's face from all the fights. "If it's too hard for you, you can tell me."
Jeffrey instantly objects. "Maggie, he'll be embarrassed," he says to his wife.
"No, he…" Maggie begins.
"Mom!" Eric snaps. "I don't need anything." He steps away from his mother for good measure, holding both his hands out in front of him. No way is he letting Maggie trap him in another hug, not in front of the Dauntless. The other Dauntless, he has to remind himself.
Maggie's face sags with disappointment. But, amazingly enough, she doesn't argue back. "Okay," she says to her son, actually sounding meek.
"I told you," Jeffrey whispers, folding his arms as he stares sideways at his wife.
In spite of her son's less-than-warm welcome, Maggie goes on questioning him. "Eric, I want to know," she says with urgency in her voice. "Why did you move here?" Then, gesturing to herself and her husband, "Back home, you have parents to take care of you."
The statement takes Eric aback. "Well, I…" He stumbles. "I want to get strong."
"By becoming a soldier? So you don't have to think, use your brain?" Jeffrey's interrupting voice is like a sudden blast from an airhorn. Loud, rude, an unsolicited opinion. Eric thinks the others there want to glower at him as much as he does, but it'd be a mistake to suddenly give Jeffrey the spotlight.
"Be quiet," Maggie warns him. She once again turns her gaze to Eric. Now it's unclear if she's faking how much she cares for him. "Eric, if you are happy here…" Her voice falters. Is she just the greatest actor on the planet, or is she actually about to cry?
She finishes. "That's good enough for me."
And the only answer Eric gets is a resounding yes, to the question of whether the warm sun is actually mightier than the icy wind.
"You saw your dad?"
Mia materializes behind me. I turn around quickly, shaking my head no. "Didn't even show up," I explain. "But I don't mind."
I sat at the edge of the railing above the Pit for about a half hour, spying on my fellow initiates as they spent time with their families. Now that I think about it, why did I? Do I have masochistic tendencies? Do I like how much it hurts when a metaphorical knife's shoved into my heart?
Because that was exactly how it felt to see the parents from Dauntless come together with their kids. Especially the fathers. Every time I saw a dad hold his son in his arms, kiss his daughter on the cheek, rock his newborn baby to sleep, I was slammed by all these thoughts of what could've been. Well, I always knew jealousy comes with a side of physical pain.
I try to take my mind off of it. "How've you been?" I ask Mia. "Did you talk to Eric, after…"
Mia rolls her eyes a bit. "Don't bring that up again, please. He tried saying sorry after the fight was over. I said we should just move on." She gives a halfhearted shrug. "We did what was required, now it's over."
"If that's how you feel," I say, "more power to you."
I keep walking. Up ahead, I recognize the door to our dormitory. It's good that I'm away from the Pit, nowhere near those lucky initiates and their fawning families. Besides, Visiting Day gets more love than it's worth. The real highlight of today will be seeing our rankings.
Just as long as nobody I like is near the bottom.
"Ms. Matthews," Eric stammers, "you're here again?"
Like the first time, Jeanine's appearance in the Dauntless compound is unprecedented. Eric stiffens a little when he sees her approach him. He won't deny he misses his former teacher. He always will, most likely, but he's already on his way to becoming a Dauntless leader. A leader can't show attachment to his old faction.
If Eric's body language shows this, Jeanine isn't deterred. She keeps smiling as she gets closer. "Not for Visiting Day, if that's what you're wondering," she says, answering his question. "The leaders of Dauntless and I are…" She hesitates. "Negotiating."
"Politics as usual, huh?" Eric says wryly.
"I suppose." Jeanine is now close enough to touch him. "However, I came to say how proud I am of you." Her eyes twinkle as she looks down at her former student.
Eric swallows hard. "Seriously?" he asks, letting himself be distracted from his duties to the Dauntless.
"Mm-hm," replies Jeanine. "You did just what I suggested, and it worked out beautifully."
On hearing this bit of praise, Eric suddenly forgets about his steadfast commitment to his new faction. He beams at Jeanine. "Thank you," he says. "I couldn't have done it without you."
"You're very welcome. Oh, one more thing." Jeanine pulls a sleek silver card out of her hip pocket, holding it up to the light. "To ensure you always have someone to confide in."
Eric gets a better look at the card's laminated surface. The embossed text on the front reveals that it's a pass to access Erudite headquarters.
His heart beats faster, no doubt from excitement. Is he somehow just imagining this? Or did he really receive permission from the leader of Erudite to stay in contact with his old faction, even as a top-ranking official in Dauntless?
Jeanine keeps talking. "You'll find my office on the top floor. And the code to get in, it's two-one-two-seven. Will you remember it?"
A little dazed, Eric nods. "I will, Ms. Matthews."
He's immediately swept into a hug by Jeanine. But unlike with Maggie, he savors it. "I'll see you soon, Eric," his favorite teacher assures him, then, before he can ask her to stay longer, she's letting him go.
All six of us are sweating bullets, but that isn't gonna stop us from talking. The singular focus of all our overlapping conversations is, of course, our rankings. Amar's still calculating them, the chalkboard gripped tightly in his hands. We all wish he'd hurry up and get the whole thing out of the way. Neither Jason nor Sean nor Amy has to tell me that, I just know.
"Calm down, people," Amar instructs us. "The world's not gonna explode. You're just gonna see how you're all ranked."
Jason throws in his opinion, his voice raised to a ridiculous volume. "That's the thing, Amar," he says. "For us, this is a matter of life and death."
Amar looks like he's two seconds away from tossing Jason out of the room. I wouldn't mind, actually. "Not the case when I went through initiation," he claps back. "That being said, here are your ranks." And before any of us can properly react, he puts the chalkboard up and stands back to let us see.
All sound ceases in the dormitory. Our breaths are held as we look down the list. I find my own name first.
3. Thomas E.
4. Mia F.
I'm in the top three! Okay, so I overestimated myself a bit, but it feels awesome knowing I'm safe. Next I search for Eric. I'm not really worried about him, but I want to know where everybody stands.
1. Eric K.
2. Jason D.
Oh, yeah. Even after his loss to the latter, Eric stopped Jason from reaching the coveted first place. I'd kiss him if none of the initiates were watching. Still, it puts a sour taste in my mouth to see Jason so high on the list.
Not that he himself is satisfied. "Hey, man," he addresses Amar in protest. "What the hell's this?" He aims a finger at Eric's face. "I put the Nose in the hospital for days, and he passed me. How?"
Silence reigns until Amar puts his reply into words. He speaks in a bored, blunt tone. "Candor, you're not on top 'cause you're a cheat and an asshole."
Jason's voice hitches in his throat, his retort forgotten before he can get it out.
The loud laughter that ensues makes me think of the popping of a bubble. Before the rankings were put up, no one but Amar could breathe comfortably. Now the air's lighter, sweeter, containing a different taste. For another couple of weeks, Mia, Eric, and I are safe from factionlessness.
AN: Initially I was going to add another section showing Maggie's perspective, but then I decided to leave it open-ended whether she actually changed her mind about Eric or not. What do you think? Has she actually changed for the better, or was her sudden kindness simply an example of love-bombing? Stay tuned for the next chapter!