Disclaimer: I don't own Divergent.
We're still on the second stage of initiation. Still forced to experience our literal worst nightmares, while not getting any sort of counseling or psychiatric help. I won't lie, I've had to rethink what it means to be brave. It's easy to be brave when all you're doing is jumping off a moving train, or dodging punches from a beefed-up opponent in the ring. Not so much when the thing you're jumping off is a ledge one thousand feet above the ground, and you know you'll feel the pain of death when you hit the bottom. Or when the opponent you're facing is the man who abused you as a child, and you don't have the option of tapping out.
Some people might be surprised to hear this, but I don't think the "advantage" I have is extraordinary. It's true that in my head, I know I won't really die, but how does that help when I'll still feel just as much excruciating pain? Or when I'll still be staring down a person whose mere face is a PTSD trigger? In that case, I'm no better off than any other Dauntless. They'll have no reason to envy me.
All we can do each day is brace ourselves, clench our teeth through every simulation, and pray the program will let us out quick. That won't do much to save our collective sanity. When night falls and the initiates go to bed, that's when I see and hear the leftover traces of the day's simulations. Mouselike whimpers from one initiate's bunk. A second initiate kneeling before the wall, staring at it in silence, not sleeping. Another initiate's sheets ripped to shreds, their fingernails in need of a diversion.
We all deserve another vacation. Lucky for us, Max decided to give us one, not out of the kindness of his heart, but because he and Jeanine will need a day to fix the flaw in the simulation program.
The nonexistent flaw. I laugh, and hear Shauna do the same next to me.
"Shh!" Mia whisper-shouts. "Don't let them hear us." But when I look at her, I see she can't help grinning. This is a special outing. We're going on a double date, the four of us, Mia, Shauna, Eric, and me.
Of course, there's a good reason no one else can know. We'll be going outside the Dauntless compound without supervision. Not a smart idea, maybe, but an idea as Dauntless as they come. Shauna's friends with Zeke, and Zeke's friends with quite a few people who work in the control room, because of his mom, who also works there. Shauna decided to talk to one of the control room employees for us.
We see her in the hallway up ahead. I remember her name - Lora. She's easy to distinguish in a crowd, because of her orange hair and big glasses. "Oh, hey," she says lightly. "The four of you looking for trouble?"
Eric replies first. "Yeah, sort of," he says sheepishly.
Lora waves the four of us forward, and we join her in the control room. "Remember, you made a promise," she says. "One night only." We all watch her as she returns to her computer and types up several commands, calling up a screen that shows the status of the cameras just outside the compound. With just a few keystrokes, the screen changes. The prominent red lettering now reads that the cameras are disabled.
Lora has to remind us one more time. "Behave yourselves, now," she says.
"Lora, please," Shauna cuts in. "We're not little kids." I give her an amused glance. Her face is a brilliant red, no doubt because she was giggling like an idiot the whole way here.
"You're sure acting like kids!" Lora retorts, echoing my thoughts. But she's smiling when she waves us off. We leave the control room, marching side by side down the hall.
We soon reach the glass doors that serve as the street-level entrance to the Dauntless compound. The doors swing wide open and Shauna, Mia, Eric, and I run through.
What's the harm? I think, listening to the rhythm of our boots on the pavement. A little fun never killed anyone. And you can't get married before you go on a few dates.
Besides, Mia's suggestion was one we couldn't refuse. She proposed that we all explore the factionless side of town. Take turns sneaking into the dilapidated buildings, see what we can steal, stuff like that. I said I was down, and apparently so was Eric. Shauna was, too.
The air is thick and heavy and the clouds above are a pale gray. We walk quickly through the Abnegation sector, which appears to be deserted. I know that on this day, most everyone who's important in Abnegation will be supervising the initiates while they volunteer. This lowers the probability of us getting caught, and me having to face Marcus again.
In no time at all, we've made it to the factionless sector. The bare bones of old buildings stand out against the slate-gray sky. We begin to notice the obvious signs of ruin, the big cracks in the pavement, old sandwich wrappers and crushed soup cans lying out in the open, the stink of unwashed bodies and human waste emanating from the open windows. In one alleyway someone installed some sort of mosquito netting, and it's clear why they did. The tenants living on the top floor need to learn what a trash can is.
Though the girls are revolted by the ever-present smell, and the fact that no one here seems to know where to put their trash, every one of us is anticipating exploring the area further. Mia dares Eric to go inside a creepy-looking warehouse and stay there for a few minutes, then she'll join him in there. In her words, he'll get his "reward" for "being brave". She wiggles her eyebrows a little when she says this, and Shauna and I can't help laughing.
Eric makes fun of Mia back, by asking if she isn't too scared to follow him into the warehouse on the first try. At last, it's decided that all four of us will walk in together.
Part of me thinks the door might be locked. The other three likely thought the same, because Mia squeals happily when I try pushing on the door and it actually moves inward. But her happiness is temporary. Fear must now be setting in, because from what we see, the only thing on the other side is an empty, noiseless darkness.
Eric, Mia, Shauna, and I look at each other. Do we do this foolish thing just for laughs, or do we play by the rules and head back to the Dauntless compound?
In my Abnegation days, no question, I would've picked option two. That makes the decision for me.
Eric, Mia, and Shauna make my decision unanimous. The second I step into the warehouse, I hear them come in after me. We all stop and regroup somewhere in the space, my hand clasping Shauna's, and Eric's holding Mia's. Eric digs out his flashlight and clicks it on, casting a pale glow over part of the space.
We see an expected sight, peeling paint on the walls, red and brown rust creeping over the long-forgotten metal pipes, an industrial fan shoved into a back corner. Typical of most factionless spaces that have been abandoned. "Goddamn, it's filthy in here," I hear Eric say under his breath. I have to agree.
"Check it out," I say loud enough for him to hear. I make a show of pointing in his general direction. "Spiders on the walls, spiders on the ceiling…"
"Shit, what?" Eric's voice is comically high-pitched as he flinches away from the wall. I see him inspect his arms and chest, making sure there are no bugs there. Hilariously enough, he hallucinates some. His hand twitches like mad as he tries to bat the invisible spiders off.
"I'm just joking," I tell him, smiling evilly. "Those are dust bunnies."
Both Shauna and Mia laugh like crazy when they realize what I did. I'm laughing too, so much so that I can't get away in time when Eric jumps me. "Toby, you piece of…" He decides to save the foul words for later. I feel the flashlight hit my head with a thwack. Stars dance before my field of vision, and for a second I think Eric gave me severe head trauma.
I'm about to stop with the jokes, say sorry to Eric. But Mia beats me to it. She takes his arm and pulls him to her side, her voice low but still audible. "Less talk, more action," she reminds him.
She tops that off with a full-on-the-mouth kiss. Shauna and I stare, the cogs turning in both our heads.
"She's got the right idea," I hear Shauna murmur. Before I can even think about what I'm doing, my face is pressed up against Shauna's, my mouth trying in vain to match the passion of hers. I'm trying to follow her lead, because in spite of my rising popularity in Dauntless, I still don't come from here, and I for sure have less experience than the Dauntless-born girl I'm with.
I do what I believe feels right. I don't let my anxiety show, because that would definitely turn Shauna off. At some point her hands slide under my shirt. They travel to my stomach, then the upper part of my chest, then my back, right where my shoulder blades are. God, they feel so soft and warm on my rough skin. Like Shauna's hands can somehow heal the ugly wounds Marcus inflicted.
I should be embarrassed at the sounds coming out of my mouth as Shauna's kissing me, but I'm too caught up in the moment. Besides, the sounds she's making indicate that I'm giving her a whole lot of pleasure.
"Come on," I hear Mia whisper. Vaguely, I glimpse her outline in a pool of shadows. The beam from the flashlight wiggles up and down as she and Eric move elsewhere.
They're going behind a movable section of wall that serves as a sort of partition. I smirk. Of course they'd be going there. Well, they did Shauna and me a favor. We now have the privacy we need.
"Shauna, come on," I echo Mia's words. This time, I take the lead. I gently but firmly push Shauna against the wall, stopping to ensure her moans reflect her pleasure, and not her pain, discomfort, or reluctance. When I'm convinced all is going well, I allow myself to start doing the real work.
"Harder, please," I can hear Shauna gasp, when I'm having doubts about going all in. Wait, who's in charge here, again?
That's right. My girlfriend is.
I obey immediately. "Your wish is my command," I get out between gasps, and then I raise the intensity. Shauna was right to say something, this feels a million times better. At last I'm not letting my silly fears stop me.
Which is just what a Dauntless should do.
Even when I hear Mia make an ungodly high-pitched sound, I don't let it distract me. Shauna and I continue to rock in each other's arms, both of us nearing the conclusion of this roller coaster ride.
Then we hear a loud bang as the door to the warehouse slams shut.
Suddenly, all thoughts of sex are forgotten. Oh fuck, I think, we just got uninvited guests. I hurry to stand, zip my jeans back up, and throw my Dauntless jacket on. That's when I remember, oh yeah, we're the uninvited guests. Whoever just showed up probably claims this abandoned warehouse as their home.
Shauna breathes real hard as she stands and readjusts her clothes. I lean over and elbow her. "Shh," I whisper, hoping I'm not being too loud. Eric and Mia, at least, go silent as statues. My ears can't pick them up at all from over here.
"You see anyone?" Shauna asks me in a whisper. She sounds more than a little scared.
Honestly, she should be. I hear our mystery guest walking around inside the space. My luck runs out, and I realize they've chosen to come toward me and Shauna. Great, now we need to pick a new hiding spot, but can we even move without attracting unwanted attention?
Before I can answer that impossible question, the beam from Eric's flashlight suddenly reappears. Probably from Eric or Mia picking it up, and the ray of light moving from where it was previously covered. The weak yellow glow surrounds the mystery figure standing in the middle of the space.
Yeah, I know it's a lame and overused trope. But when Mia, Shauna, Eric, and I figure out the new person's seen us, we simultaneously let out four identical screams.
AN: Alright, I know what everybody's gonna ask. Did Tobias and Shauna… ahem, finish what they started? Well, I purposely left it open-ended because I know there will be some people who think it's blasphemy to have Tobias lose his virginity to anyone other than Tris. Personally I don't care if he does or not, the whole point is that he got to date and experience romance in the years BEFORE he met Tris. No Shauna isn't gonna be the one, and he'll figure that out eventually, but he's basically a confused teenager who hasn't yet learned to tell the difference between love and pure friendship. He's wanted to experience these things for so long that when he finally gets some measure of freedom in Dauntless, he decides to basically go all in. You know, like many teenagers do when they leave for college.