Chapter 37: School Hard in Wonderland Pt 1
Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Leo sat in the living room having a family meeting. "Okay, people," Piper was saying, "we got to get a grip here. Otherwise, what are we doing? We might as well just go back to fighting demons again."
"Even if they think we're dead?" Paige asked.
"It was a rhetorical question," Piper explained.
Paige shook her head. "No, it wasn't."
Piper let out a sigh as she glared at her baby sister. "Paige!"
"What?" Paige said as she returned her sister's glare.
"Look, I think the point is that we need to take it slow, you know, be patient," Leo said weighing in on the topic at hand.
"Yeah, well, tell that to my premonition," Phoebe said.
"And my new stupid charge," Paige said with a sigh.
Piper whistled loudly, startling everyone silent. "Don't even start."
"You know, you're going to be late," Leo said.
"Yeah, I know," Paige said with a sigh. "My first day of high school, again. I love Buffy, but why couldn't I be eighteen instead?"
"Because then you would be facing the sticky legal situation you had before," Piper said. "Anyways I think Leo was meaning my spa day, not your return to high school. I'm supposed to be having a facial and a massage and a seaweed wrapping thing."
"I'm so jealous," Paige said.
"Well, it was Phoebe's idea," Piper explained. "We were watching Sex and the City and ..."
"Speaking of which, did Carrie ever have to marry a man that she did not know, huh?" Phoebe interrupted.
"Carrie?" Leo asked curious.
"Don't ask," Paige said with a glance at her brother-in-law. "They're on Sex and the City again."
"Yeah," Phoebe said. "No. The answer is no. She did not." She held up the DVD case and looked at it wistfully. "Why can't we live our lives like they did?"
"Uh, didn't one of them sleep around a lot?" Paige asked.
Phoebe shook her head. "No. She was a free spirit, which, by the way, can only happen when you're free," she said as Piper whistled loudly, again. "God, is that really necessary?"
"Apparently. Look. Okay," Piper said. "Nobody said this was going to be easy. We need to get a little perspective here. How bad can things be when we don't have demons to worry about anymore?" Phoebe grudgingly nodded in agreement. "Thank you. Look." She looked to Paige. "You, you need to focus on Buffy, after all there is a reason your seventeen now, remember? And not that new charge." She looked to Phoebe. "And you, you're all about signs. So, isn't that exactly what a vision is anyway?"
"Yeah, but –" Phoebe started to say.
"Don't make me whistle," Piper warned. "Last year you had a premonition that you were going to have a daughter, which means then this year you're going to have to have a little sex and get pregnant. And since Dex, which coincidentally rhymes with sex, could be the father ..."
Phoebe sighed. "God."
"Look," Piper said. "I suggest you get to know him ... well and fast. Because this may be the one sign you can't ignore. All right? Everybody good? People? Great. See you later." She got up and headed for the front door.
Paige too got up and with a sigh orbed out.
0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0
"A lot of educators tell students," Mr. Snyder, the principal, said as he looked at Buffy and Sheila, who sat across from him in his office, "think of your principal as your pal. I say think of me as your judge, jury and executioner. Tell me, who do you think is the most troublesome student in this school?"
Buffy noticed out of the corner of her eye Sheila jerked her head towards her. She let out a sigh.
"Well, it is quite a match between you two," Snyder said as he opened the two folders that lay in front of him. "On the one hand, Buffy hasn't stabbed a horticulture teacher with a trowel, yet."
"I never stabbed anyone with a trowel!" Sheila said as she stabbed her file in front of Snyder with her finger causing him to involuntarily edge back. "It was pruning shears. It should say pruning shears."
Snyder looked toward Buffy. "On the other hand, Sheila's never burned down a school building."
Buffy glared at Snyder. Now that her mother knew about her being the Slayer she had a long talk about what had happened in L.A. and she was told that if such an accusation were made … "Principal Snyder, that accusation is totally false. And if you ever make it again, my mother has told me to tell you that you and the school board would be hearing from our lawyer."
Snyder glared at Buffy. "And the two of you seem to be tied in the class-cutting and fight-starting events. You're really neck and neck here. It's very exciting."
"What does the winner get?" Sheila wondered.
"Expelled," Snyder said. "This Thursday is parent teacher night. Your parent," he looked at Buffy, "assuming you have any - will meet your teachers," he looked at Sheila, "assuming you have any left. I have decided to put you two in charge of this event. You have three days to prepare the refreshments, make the banners, and transform the school lounge into a habitable place for adults. This will incur my goodwill and may even affect what I tell your parents when I meet them. Are we clear?"
"We're clear," Buffy said.
"Good," Snyder said. "Because you mess up this time, your parents will be coming to clean out your lockers."
As Sheila got up to leave Buffy got Snyder's attention. "Principal Snyder, what about Jo, the new girl you were having me show around."
"You will continue to do that as well," he said. "If you can talk her into helping, the more the merrier, and could even further that goodwill."
0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0
Buffy walked with Sheila down the hall as Xander, Dawn, Paige and Willow approached. "It really shouldn't be that hard," Buffy was telling Sheila. "We'll work on banners tomorrow at lunch and we can figure out refreshments then."
"Yeah, sure, whatever," Sheila said. She noticed an older, slovenly, tattooed student. "Hey, Meatpie! Wait up!" She rushed after him as Paige, Buffy, Dawn, Willow and Xander watched.
"Heard Snyder's got you guys making party favors," Xander said.
"Yeah, his two worst students," Buffy said. She looked to Paige. "He said if I could talk you into helping it would get me some brownie points for when he talks to mom."
"Sure, Buffy," Paige said. She then gasped and put a hand to her head.
"New charge?" Buffy and Dawn asked simultaneously.
Paige nodded as Buffy took Paige's hand. "Tell mom, make something up, Dawn."
"Will do," Dawn replied. "With the fact that Piper, Phoebe and Paige want to lead demon free lives, I don't think Piper or Phoebe would like it if mom called and said Paige orbed you to fight a demon or to answer a call from Paige's new charge."
"Thanks, Dawn," Paige said. She made sure there was no one in the hall and she and Buffy orbed out.
0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0
In San Francisco Billie threw an athame at the demon, Black Heart. The athame missed her and embedded in the wall near the demon's head. "Aw, no fair. You moved!" she said.
Black Heart threw an energy ball at Billie who moved in time for the ball to hit the garbage bin behind her. She tumbled forward just as Black Heart throws another, missing her. Billie cartwheeled back as Black Heart threw a third, again missing her. She flipped backward jumping and missing the fourth that hit above the garbage bin. She landed on top of the garbage bin as another energy ball hit the bin.
Black Heart gasped as Billie jumped down to the ground. "What are you trying to do, kill me?" Billie asked as Black Heart glared at her. It was just then that Paige orbed in with Buffy. She and Black Heart turned and looked at the duo. "You two again?" Black Heart then orbed out of the alley. "Look what you did! I had her."
"Then why did you call for me ... again?" Paige asked.
"Um, I didn't call you," Billie said. "I don't even know you."
"You don't have to," Buffy said. "Jo here is your Whitelighter. You could have been doing it subconsciously."
Billie shrugged. "Whatever that means," she said with a roll of her eyes. She hurried past Paige and Buffy just as Buffy reached out with Slayer speed and grabbed Billie's arm. "Hey, let go of me!"
"I can't," Buffy said. "Not until we help you."
"I don't need anybody's help," Billie said as she turned to leave.
Paige orbed in front of Billie, blocking her path as Buffy released her. "Well, you need our help whether you like it or not," she said.
"Are either of you a cop?" Billie asked.
"Why would you think that with the fact she just orbed in front of you," Buffy said with a shake of her head. "I'm a Slayer and a witch. Jo is a Whitelighter, yours as well as mine."
"Good," Billie said as she tried to hit Paige but was blocked. She then tried to kick Buffy who blocked as well. She alternated trying to hit or kick Buffy or Paige and every time they deflected the attack.
Paige then managed to hit Billie across the face, knocking off her sunglasses and black wig. "You're a blonde?" she said shocked.
Billie got to her feet as she held out her hand and the athame flew back to her handle first. She caught it and flipped it over as she took off. "See ya," she called over her shoulder.
Nearby, a blonde-haired teenager got up from the side of the alley. She looked at Paige and Buffy. "Help! Somebody just tried to kidnap me," she said.
0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0
Later that night in Sunnydale a car smashed into a sign and then screeched to a halt. As the door opened a blonde man stepped out. He walked in front of the car as his duster fluttered in the light breeze. He looked down at the sign sticking partially under his wheel and then looked at the row of houses in the near distance. "Home sweet home," he said.
0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0
Across town in the Summers' home Paige sat scrying for Billie. She saw out of the corner of her eye Joyce walk into the living room. "Thanks, Joyce, for letting me do this here and not telling Piper or Phoebe," she said.
"You are welcome, Paige," Joyce said. "I can't say I understand why you feel you have to do it though. You, Piper and Phoebe gave up that life, remember?"
"I know," Paige said with a sigh. "But I felt if I just help her, maybe she would stop calling for me. Then I can spend more time with Buffy."
"Alright," Joyce said. She then looked at her daughter. "I got the mail."
"That's good, mom," Buffy replied.
"Which included a reminder notice about parent teacher night Thursday," Joyce said as Buffy sighed. "Which you and Dawn were planning on telling me about…?"
"For the last two weeks," Buffy said. "We've been working up our nerve. A lot of them are going to tell you about the grades, which you already know why their slipping for both of us."
"Buffy?" Paige said as she shook her head. "You need to be doing better. Remember what I told, Giles."
Buffy nodded. "I needed something to live for."
"Paige is right," Joyce agreed. "Good grades, means college, means a good job, maybe not even in Sunnydale. Don't get me wrong, I know you may never be able to leave since you're the Slayer, but it is my wish that someday you can, and that starts now with getting good grades."
"Something I can help with," Paige said. "More so than before." She noticed Joyce glance her direction. "I may be technically in my mid-twenties, but remember with mine, Phoebe and Piper's identity spell I am now officially seventeen. And since I am no longer Giles' assistant I can now tutor Buffy and help to improve her grades." She looked at Buffy. "I too would love it if you could go to college."
"I will try better I promise," Buffy said as she smiled at her mother and Paige.
"Good," Joyce and Paige said.
"Uhm though you might want to be on guard with the Principal," Buffy said. "Today he brought up my burning down the gym in L.A."
Joyce sighed. "You did tell him what I told you to say when someone said that," she asked and Buffy nodded. "Good. We know the truth of course, but officially what did the fire marshal say was the cause?"
"I think it was bad wiring, or maybe it was mice chewing through the wiring," Buffy said, "I don't remember to tell the truth."
"I would suggest bad wiring," Paige said. "Better that than mice. Mice chewing through the wiring would be possible but would sound a little ridiculous."
"Agreed," Joyce and Buffy agreed,
"By the way, have you seen Dawn?" Joyce asked.
"She said she was going over to Xander's," Buffy said. "She and Willow have been tutoring Xander in a few subjects he had trouble with last year. She said she would be home for dinner."
"Okay," Joyce said.
0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0
The next day after school Buffy and Willow were painting Welcome Parents on a banner. Near them stood Dawn and Xander painting Parent Teacher Night on another banner. Neither Sheila or Paige had shown up. Buffy had a feeling why Sheila hadn't shown up, Sheila just didn't care one way or another if she was expelled. And Paige was in San Francisco with her new charge.
"Sheila's a no show?" Willow asked as Buffy nodded. "She goes to this really rank bar, the Fish Tank, sometimes they have raids and … other things that could make you tardy."
"Can you help me cram some French later?" Buffy asked.
"Paige isn't going to help you?" Dawn asked.
"She's trying to help her new charge so she can stop the girl from calling for her," Buffy told her sister as Giles and new teacher, Jenny Calendar, approached them.
"There's nothing in the Chronicles about an extraneous lunar cycle," Giles said.
None of them knew how Giles had managed to find out that Jenny was technopagan or how she knew about the supernatural. But she had become with Paige's consent another source of information into the supernatural world.
"The Order never accurately calculated the Mesopotamian calendar!" Jenny said. "Rupert, you have to read something that was published after ten sixty-six."
"What's the up, guys?" Xander asked.
"I don't suppose this is something about happy squirrels?" Buffy asked as Dawn giggled.
"Vampires," Giles said. "Ms. Calendar has been researching – surfing on her computer. According to her calendar, this Saturday is the Night of Saint Vigeous.
"Lemme guess," Dawn said with a smile on her lips. "He didn't make balloon animals."
Giles shook his head as he looked at the sisters and their friends. "He led a crusade. Of vampires. They swept through Edessa, Harran, and points east."
"They didn't leave much behind," Jenny said.
"So, Saturday's kind of a big doo for bloodsuckers," Xander said.
"It's a Holy Night of Attack," Jenny explained. "They'll come in numbers."
"I'll let Paige know," Buffy said.
"Paige?" Jenny asked. She did not know who Paige was.
"Buffy's former Whitelighter," Giles said with a glance at Buffy. "Did You forget Paige died? That your friend Jo is your Whitelighter now."
"Right," Buffy said.
"You are a witch?" Jenny asked.
"Yep," Buffy said. "Double threat."
Giles noticed Snyder was approaching. "You're all slaves to the … television. You young people nowadays. Goodbye," he said as he and Jenny took off.
Snyder turned to face Dawn, Xander and Willow. "You three wouldn't be helping Buffy in Sheila and Josephine's place, would you?" he asked.
Xander, Dawn and Willow hid their brushes before Snyder could see them. "No," Xander said.
"We're hindering," Willow added.
"Sheila ditched," Snyder said. "Mmm-mmmm, I feel an expulsion coming on. And what about Josephine? She ditch also?"
"They've been helping since school let out," Buffy said. "They're just out getting more paint…" It was then they all saw Sheila stumble through the doorway. She rushed to Sheila and guided her to Xander and Dawn's banner. "No more teal in the art room? Did Jo go to the store to get some? I know you both wanted it to be perfect, but if Jo doesn't get back soon we'll have to just keep going with the green." She plopped Xander's brush in Sheila's hand.
"Just make sure everything is perfect on Thursday," Snyder said as he walked off.
"Thanks for covering. Guy's a serious rodent," Sheila said.
"No problem," Buffy said.
"Did you really burn down school property one time?" Sheila asked.
"No," Buffy said with a sigh.
0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0
In San Francisco, Paige waited in Billie's college dorm room. She smiled as Billie opened the door and stepped into the room and turned on the lights. Billie turned and saw Paige sitting at her desk holding the black wig in her hand.
"Drop something?" Paige asked as she stood up.
Billie sighed as Paige opened a cabinet and tossed the wig inside. She closed the door and turned and faced Billie. "Nice costume. Where'd you get it?"
"Saks," Billie said. "You like it."
"No," Paige said. "Witches don't actually wear costumes."
"Oh, really?" Billie asked. "The conical hat, the broomstick. That's just everyday wear?"
Paige sighed. "You do know that is a stereotype, that witches didn't actually wear conical hats or ride on broomsticks, right? Anyways what's your name?"
"What's yours?" Billie asked.
"Jo," Paige replied.
"Billie," Billie said.
"Well, Billie, seems as if we have a bit of a problem here," Paige said.
"Oh, yeah?" Billie said. "You know, actually, my problem is … is that you're just killing my buzz."
Paige chuckled. "Buzz? That's what you're calling fighting demons?"
"Beats the hell out of video games," Billie said.
"This isn't a game, okay?" Paige said. "This is real. Deadly real."
"You can't use an adverb with a noun," Billie told her.
"Chair!" Paige called out as the chair orbed to behind Billie and she then telekinetically slid it forward forcing Billie to sit down. "Okay, here's the thing. People are getting killed, so you are going to tell me everything I want to know, and you're going to tell it to me now, otherwise we're going to go at it again."
"Fine," Billie said. "I'm listening."
"How long have you been a witch?" Paige asked.
"Not long," Billie said. "Just up till really recently, I noticed I had these powers. So, I bought a couple of books and I figured it out."
"And you figured out how to track demons that way?" Paige asked.
Billie smirked. "I'm good," she said as Paige scoffed. "Well, I am." She started to get up but stopped midway. "Look, let me – May I?" Paige nodded as she motioned for Billie to continue. She nodded and walked over to her desk. She took out a set of newspaper clippings. "Okay, well, first, I noticed that all the missing kids had Alice-like names. You know, like Alicia, Allison, Alastair, Alex –"
"This has to do with what?" Paige interrupted.
"Alice? You know, like Alice in Wonderland," Billie said as Paige shook her head. "Okay, when the victims were found, they were saying all these weird things, like mad hatters, white rabbits, stone caterpillars. Had to be something demonic, right? It was just too cool not to be."
"Um, no," Paige said. "Actually, demonic isn't so cool. It's kind of a bad thing."
"Okay, whatever," Billie said. "Anyways, I inputted it all into the computer, I hooked the crystal up to the GPS system, I started scrying for the demon, and voila! There he was! Or there she was. Are most demons chicks?"
"Uh, no, no, not always," Paige said. "Uh, you figured this all out by yourself?"
Billie nodded. "Yeah," she said with some pride.
"Ok, in that case, I'm going to need you to stay put while I go deal with this," Paige said.
"Wait?" Billie asked, shocked at the turn of events. "What?!"
"You are in way over your head, Billie," Paige said. "That's why you called for my help."
"I did not call for you," Billie objected.
"Just let me, my sisters and my girlfriend deal with this, okay?" Paige said.
"Wait?" Billie said. "What sisters? Are they witches, too? And your girlfriend, is that the girl that was with you yesterday. What is a Slayer anyways?"
"Just stay here!" Paige said. "I'll be back."
0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0
Later at the Bronze; Buffy, Dawn and Willow sat at a table cramming for Buffy's French class. "La vache doit me touche de la jeudi," Buffy said as she noticed her sister's brow furrow. "Is that wrong? Should I use the plural?"
"No," Dawn said with a sigh. "You said, the cow should touch me from Thursday."
"Well, maybe that's what I was feeling," Buffy said.
"And you said it wrong," Willow added.
Buffy sighed. "Oh. Je stink."
"You're just not focused. It's Paige missage," Willow said.
"She hasn't come back tonight," Buffy said. "She said she would once she had found that new charge and dealt with her."
It was just then Xander walked up to them from the direction of the dance floor. "Guys! I'm all alone out there! Somebody has to dance with me."
"Well, we are studying…" Willow said.
"Come on, one dance! You've been studying for nearly twelve minutes!" Xander said.
"No wonder my brain is fried," Buffy said as she, Dawn and Willow stood up as a new song began. The four of them walked onto the dance floor and danced together. Every so often they could hear Buffy reciting French phrases to herself.
"Where's a phone. I need to call the police," someone said. "There's some big guy out back trying to bite someone."
Buffy glanced at her friends and sister and darted for the door and outside. In the alley behind the bronze she found a girl about to be bitten by a big ugly vampire. She locked her hands together and slammed down on his wrist, breaking his hold on the girl.
"Slayer," the vampire said.
"Slay-ee," Buffy said as she spun around and kicked him in the head. He grabbed her and hurled her against a wall. As he charged at her she ducked out of the way, pivoting under his arm. They trade blows as Xander, Willow and Dawn come out the back door. "Get her out of here!" She ducked a punch and kicked out at the vampire as Willow grabbed the girl. "And a stake would be nice."
Dawn who had Buffy and her own purse opened one and pulled out a stake. The vampire swung and knocked Buffy of her feet. "I don't need to wait for Saint Vigeous. You're mine!" he said.
Dawn came upon the vampire from behind and with a quick thrust, she impaled him through the heart from behind and he dusted.
Another vampire applauded slowly as he stepped out of the darkness. "Nice work."
"Who are you?" Buffy asked.
"You'll find out on Saturday," he said.
"What happens on Saturday?" Dawn asked.
"I kill her," the vampire said with a smile. He slid back into the shadows and was gone.
It was just then that Paige orbed in. "Buffy," she said. "I need you to come back with me to San Francisco."
"Your new charge?" Buffy asked.
"She found a threat that maybe aimed at me, Piper and Phoebe to draw us out," Paige said.
"Dawn," Buffy said as Dawn nodded in understanding.
"I'll inform mom," Dawn said.