A/N: Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed so far!
H is for Hand
The world seemed to freeze and she desperately tried, in those frozen moments, to take stock of where she was and what she was doing. She felt lost as she tried to decide ifthis was what she should be doing.
"Max?" Logan asked softly, his voice strained and she wondered if he knew what she was thinking. If he did then she wished he would tell her so she would know what she was thinking. Everything was just so scattered. She met his eyes which were searching hers. Begging her.
She turned her head to look at the crowd of people gathered around them. Waiting. Smiling. Someone was missing though. She met Joshua's eyes and he looked happy to see a long awaited dream realized. She looked deeper though and saw a flicker of sorrow. For a dream lost. She knew then, in that moment, that he knew.
She looked to Original Cindy next. Her girl didn't bother to hide the apprehension in her gaze. Unlike Josh, Cindy didn't look happy or encouraging. She looked...disappointed.
"Max?" Logan said again. "Didn't you hear him?"
Max swung her gaze back to Logan's before looking at the priest standing in front of them. The older man smiled kindly. "Do you take Logan Cale's hand in marriage?" That had been the question. Her mouth opened and closed wordlessly. There were just two words she needed to get out. Two words. I do.
"I—" Logan's lips quirked up and he nodded in encouragement when she finally broke her silence. "I...can't," she whispered brokenly and her eyes filled with tears as she realized what she was doing. Logan's head reeled back and his eyes widened with hurt. "I'm sorry. I can't do this," she said again, a little louder.
Her wide, wet eyes couldn't meet Logan's as the beautiful flower bouquet dropped from her suddenly slackened grip. It seemed like forever before they hit the ground even though she knew that it had only been seconds. She turned on her heel, her long white dress skirts swishing around her ankles at her abrupt movement, and fled down the endlessly long aisle.
~DA~
She was on the verge of hyperventilating when Original Cindy busted into the room Max had blindly run into. It was the same room that had been designated her bridal suite. She had come there before the ceremony. She'd had her hair pinned up in there. She'd slipped into the form fitting white gown, had listened to her friends admire the flared lace skirts and jeweled bodice, in there. She'd talked herself into believing that she was doing the right thing- more than that- she'd convinced herself she was doing what she wanted in that room.
She clawed at the delicate bodice with one hand while the other clutched at the vanity she'd sat at just a short time ago. It was too tight. She couldn't breathe. She heard a strangled choking sound and realized it was coming from her. She barely felt the hand on her back or heard the soothing words being spoken gently into her ear. Her heartbeat was so loud in her ears, it made it nearly impossible to hear anything else.
Suddenly she could breathe. Her lungs were able to fully expand. She felt the silky fabric as it slid down her legs and she was left in nothing more than her strapless white silk bra and matching panties. Original Cindy had managed to unbutton the back and slide it down while Max had been mid panic attack.
She dropped to her knees and Original Cindy sank down with her. "What did I do?" she heard herself gasp.
"You did what you had to, boo," Cindy replied, her voice still gentle and quiet.
Max shook her head frantically. "It shouldn't have gotten this far," she choked out. "I should have stopped it sooner."
Cindy couldn't really say anything in reply. She didn't disagree and she had done told her girl that long before her failed trip to the alter.
"Look what I've done," Max whispered in horror. "I left Logan...at the alter. Oh god." she felt the bile as it rose up from her stomach. "I humiliated him in front of everyone," she continued to mumble as shame burned deep within her. "And Alec. He asked me-" she cut herself off as a gut wrenching sob tore through her. Her voice was barely audible, Cindy had to strain to hear her next words. "He begged me and I told him...I just- I cut him down. Like he didn't matter."
Original Cindy sucked in a sharp breath when Max finally met her eyes, the despair in them was overwhelming and, despite her feelings on the whole mess, she felt her heart break for her best friend. "What have I become, Cin?" she asked hopelessly.
"Oh honey, you just a lil lost right now," Cindy told her softly as she wrapped her arms around her and hugged her close. "Things will come right," she found herself murmuring reassuringly as she rocked them back and forth.
~DA~
She was standing in the shadows outside of his apartment building. She'd been standing in the same spot, like a statue, for hours. Her eyes were locked on the light coming from what she knew was his window. Every once in awhile a shadow would pass by and her heart would jump in her chest, pounding so hard she could swear it would bruise her ribs.
She was wearing dark cargo pants and a hoodie. It was the same outfit she'd been wearing that morning before she'd put on the wedding gown. It was nearly impossible for her to believe that it was still the same day. She felt small. Smaller than she'd ever felt before. When she'd finally pulled herself together at the church she'd thrown her clothes on, thanked OC and slunk out of the room.
Joshua had been posted outside her door and he didn't say anything as she stepped out next to him. He had only smiled sadly at her and pointed towards the back door. She wasted no time in fleeing through it. She found herself reminded that she had amazing friends.
That had been hours ago. She'd been posted up outside his building ever since, trying to work up the courage to go inside. To face him. She released a slow breath and finally pushed herself off the brick wall. Forced her legs to move, they felt like Jell-O.
Too soon she found herself in front of his door. She didn't really remember knocking but she knew that she had. Her heartbeat picked up it's pace as her sensitive ears picked up his footsteps on the other side. Her eyes locked on the door handle, her stomach twisted as the door knob did.
Then he was there in front of her, his eyes wide in surprise as he took in her appearance. He held a glass of whiskey in one hand and she knew that she had put it there. She was a fucking hurricane. Coming into peoples lives and destroying them, leaving emotional wreckage in her wake. She'd done it to Logan. She'd done it to him.
"What are you doing here Max?" he questioned, his voice was gruff. He sighed in annoyance when she didn't answer right away. "Shouldn't you be off to Fiji or the Bahamas or wherever to celebrate your marital bliss?" he spat out.
His tone snapped her out of it. His tone and the way his fingers tightened around the door frame, like they were just itching to close it in her face, forced her into action. Her hand flew out and rested flat palmed against the door as a preemptive attempt to keep him from closing it on her. "I got to the end of the aisle and I couldn't do it," she breathed out.
She wasn't sure how it was even possible but Alec got even more tense at her words. "So you, what? Just...left him there?" he asked incredulously.
"I—yeah," she muttered, shamefaced. Her head jerked up at the sound of his laughter.
His hand tightened around the frame as he nearly doubled over in hysterics. "God Max. At least you're consistent," he managed to choke out through his guffaws.
"The hell is that supposed to mean?" she asked in affront, momentarily forgetting that she was there to beg for forgiveness.
"You must have some goddamn Cheetah DNA in you with how fast you run," he told her with a shake of his head. Her lips twitched a bit at his bad joke. It was a good thing, right? That he was joking with her?
"Can I come in?" she asked softly. His laughter ceased immediately.
"Max…" he trailed off.
"I can do this out here too," She told him before he could fully answer. "I could get down on my knees right here, in this spot, and beg you for a second chance."
He rolled his eyes at her melodramatics. "You've never struck me as the begging type," he scoffed.
She replied by sinking down to her knees, her hand falling away from the door, effectively giving him permission to shut her out. Her eyes never left his so she got to witness every emotion that passed through them. The surprise, anger, sorrow, hurt.
The silence settled around them and it was almost suffocating for Max as she waited for his decision. She could almost hear the ticking of a phantom clock as the seconds stretched on endlessly. Finally a quiet sigh, loud in the wake of their silence, escaped his lips. "Get up, you look pathetic," he said roughly before he turned and walked back inside his apartment. The door stayed open in his absence and she felt her heart soar at the unspoken invitation.
She stood up and quietly let herself in, closing the door softly behind her. He stood at his kitchen counter, hands gripping the laminate tightly as he stared down at his whiskey glass. "I asked you not to go through with it, Max. I fuckin' begged you not to," he finally said. He wouldn't look at her and she wished he would. She wanted to see his eyes, wanted to see so she would know how he was feeling.
"I know," she replied quietly. "I...did. Listen to you, I mean," she winced at her disjointed thoughts. "It just took until the worse possible moment for it to sink in."
Alec let out a humorless chuckle at that. "No shit," he muttered. "I've never really liked Logan but that's pretty cold, Max. Even for you," he told her bitterly. Honestly.
She flinched at his censure but she couldn't really argue it. He was right. "I know," she murmured and by the way he couldn't help but glance at her she knew that she'd caught him off guard again. His gaze went back to the counter top he was clutching and his eyes fell shut. The tense muscles in his back, the way his jaw was clenching and unclenching, it was all too familiar and she thought back to the night she'd made the wrong choice.
Six week earlier
Her heart pounded in her ears and her hands shook involuntarily as she slowly climbed the stairs towards his apartment. She paused mid-step as she thought of the last time she'd climbed these stairs. When he'd raced up them with her, the both of them laughing. How they'd stop mid stride, unable to wait until they got to his floor before catching the other in a searing kiss. Had that really only been a few days earlier?
She got to the landing on his floor and couldn't make her feet move any further. If she were stronger, smarter even, she'd realize what that overwhelming hesitance meant. She'd realize that she'd given the wrong answer to the question she'd never expected to hear. Why had she said "yes"? Was it because of they'd never really gotten a chance and she felt she owed it to them?
She pushed the questions away, they didn't matter anymore. She'd given her answer and she wasn't one to back out of a promise. All that mattered right now was forcing her feet to move forward and say goodbye to him. Her breath was ragged when she breathed in and she realized with a start that she'd been holding it.
One foot in front of the other, she felt like she was wading through cement. She finally reached his door, the cracked and faded paint so familiar to her. She drew in a deep breath and knocked. She found herself hoping he was out. She found herself hoping he wasn't. How could she make herself make this trip a second time?
Her heart jumped into her throat when she heard the locks click on the other side. The door swung open and there he was. Wearing nothing but a low slung pair of faded dark blue jeans. He was toweling off his hair and his lips immediately turned up into a smile at the sight of her. "Hey Max," he greeted warmly. "To what do I owe this pleasure?" he asked and she found a distant part of herself marveling at the sincerity in that statement. It wasn't so terribly long ago that those words would have been dripping with sarcasm. Her guilt magnified to unbearable levels.
She managed to clear her throat and find some words. "Can I come in?" she asked before wondering if she really wanted to be in there alone with him. Wanted was the wrong word. Her eyes took in his built form again and her mind easily took her back to long nights spent touching, laughing, talking, and decided should was the right word. Should she be alone with him?
"Course," he answered easily but his sharp eyes were already searching her face, his lips turned down in a slight frown. "Everything okay?" he asked in concern.
She shook her head as the door latched behind them, she stood with her back to him as she faced the couch. They'd had some amazing times on that couch.
"What's wrong Maxie?" he asked as he came up behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders. Her chin dropped down against her chest and she squeezed her eyes shut against her tears. "Max? What the hell is going on?" he asked more urgently.
She drew in a deep breath. "Logan found the cure," she told him finally. Her voice didn't sound like hers. A single tear made it's way down her cheek as his hands left her shoulders. "We were cured two days ago and...and I've been with him ever since," she choked out.
She heard him move away from her. Heard the sharp intake of breath at her admission, as he realized the implications. That she'd jumped straight from his bed to Logan's. His silence was deafening. "We never said we were exclusive," she breathed out, as though she were trying to justify her actions. She was. Her words were the truth too...but-
"I didn't think we needed to say it," he finally spoke. Yeah, that's what she had thought too. "So...what Max? You get him out of your system? Or did you decide that you're done with me now?"
Her silence spoke volumes. She finally forced herself to turn and face him, he was standing in the kitchen. His hands were clenched around the edge of the counter and his jaw was working as he fought back whatever emotion he was feeling. Betrayal? Hurt? Anger? All of the above? "It's not like that," she told him softly. "I'm not just done with you Alec. I just...we just...we were never really together, you know? I mean we had fun, we had great sex but we never went out."
"I tried to take you out," he muttered.
"I know," she acknowledged. "It was me who held us back and I guess it's because I was always holding out hope for…" she trailed off, not wanting to hurt him any further. Her words sounded believable, they sounded like her. Why did they feel so false on her tongue then?
"Logan," he spat out. She flinched at the venom in his tone.
She drew in another deep breath as she steeled herself for her next confession. "He asked me to marry him," she said, her words coming out in a rush.
His head jerked up, eyes wide in surprise as he finally met her gaze. "He sure doesn't waste any time," he scoffed.
"I said yes," she whispered.
She could tell that even with everything said in the last few minutes that last confession had caught him off guard. He laughed then and she winced at the mirthless sound. "Guess you don't either."
"Alec," she said, stepping closer to him and automatically reaching for him.
"Don't do this Max," he said then, his voice breaking with his words. He moved towards her, grabbing the hand that was reaching for him and pulled her into him.
"I told him I would," she said softly. "I said yes."
"Is this really what you want?" he asked. She couldn't give him an answer, tears burned at her eyes. "Please, Maxie," he whispered. "Please don't do this."
Her eyes shut again and she knew that the tears were escaping. He was begging her to stay with him. Alec was confessing how much she meant to him, how much they meant to him as best he could and despite how badly she wanted to, in that moment she couldn't give in.
"This is what I want," she admitted. Was it a lie? She would later wonder. "I'm so sorry Alec," she breathed out before pushing past him and blindly running out of the apartment.
Now
This was the first time she'd seen him since that night six weeks ago. Logan had pushed for a quick wedding and Max had been so numb that she'd given in easily, just wanting it over with. Alec hadn't sought her out, he'd gone out of his way to avoid her. She knew that Original Cindy had started splitting her time between hanging out with Max and hunting Alec down to force him to socialize with her. Her best friend never spoke about what she and Alec talked about when they hung out no matter how many times Max asked. "You made your choice, boo. What that boy does ain' ya concern no more." Cindy always told her with a shrug and a faint look of disapproval in her eyes.
"I'm supposed to be so smart," she said suddenly, breaking up the static silence. "I'm supposed to be independent. I was for so long. It was just me against the world, ya know? Then I started making friends. Original Cindy and Sketchy, I started to put down roots but I still could have and would have left to start somewhere new if it meant escaping Lydecker. But then I met Logan. Something changed. I don't even know when it started. I didn't particularly like him at first. I thought he was an arrogant creep," Alec snorted at that.
"When I first started working with him it was out of guilt. I could have stopped him from getting shot up but I was selfish and walked away. Things changed over that first year before Manticore recaptured me. It never really developed. We were so close though and then...well you know what happened next. I kept walking away for his safety and for mine. When he found the cure I thought I owed it to him, to the both of us, to give it a shot."
Max paused, watching Alec carefully. He didn't attempt to speak so she decided to continue on to the most important part. "You were right though. I couldn't answer you then because I was so confused. I didn't want to rush into marriage...and I didn't want to be with Logan anymore. It's so stupid now that I can finally see it clearly. I told you that we were never really together but compared to me and Logan? You were the most solid relationship I'd ever had. I threw it away for some false sense of duty and I couldn't see that clearly until it was time to say those two final words and all I could see was your face."
"You have really shitty timing Max," he grit out, still not looking at her.
"I know," she replied simply. "I know I don't deserve a second chance after what I did. After what I put you through but I'll never forgive myself if I don't ask…" she sucked in a deep breath. "Do you wanna go out with me sometime? On a date?"
He finally looked at her. His mouth opened and closed. His eyes searched hers and she could see the war waging within them. She kept her expression open and honest, letting him see how sorry she was, how sincere she was. "You can't keep jumping from bed to bed," he finally answered.
She flinched at the hurtful but deserved comment but didn't break his gaze. "Alec," she said seriously. "If you want to date me, if you want to give me second chance, give us a second chance, then I promise you that yours is the only bed I ever plan to jump into again."
He was quiet for a long moment as he considered her words and the deep meaning behind them. "Pick me up on Friday," he finally said. "I expect a night to remember. No pasta. No wine," he dictated.
Max's smile was blinding. "Friday," she agreed anxiously. "Seven?"
Alec nodded once in acceptance. Max darted closer to him, pausing and reigning herself in just before she could throw her arms around him. He slowly reached out and grabbed one of her hands, squeezing it lightly. She immediately returned the pressure before letting go and heading towards the door before he could change his mind. "I'll see you Friday," she said again as she let herself out.
He had given her more than she deserved, more than she had truly expected. He had given her what she had hoped deeply for. She had just under a week to plan a night to remember but first she had to make one more visit and she really wasn't looking forward to it. What do you say to the man you left (ran from) at the alter?
~DA~
For the second time that night she found herself uncharacteristically knocking on a door and waiting for someone to actually come up and open it instead of just letting herself in. Guilt and anxiety had been her constant companions the last six weeks and she was getting really tired of their company.
The door opened at she saw hurt war with hope when he laid eyes on her. He had taken off the suit jacket but he was still wearing his white dress shirt, his tie askew and loose around his neck. His hair was in complete disarray as though he'd run his hand through it a million times.
"Hi," she said quietly.
He just looked at her in silence before turning away and walking deeper into his penthouse. She felt deja vu as she once again took the unspoken invitation. He was slumped down on his couch when she slowly entered the living room. "I'm sorry," she said, wringing her hands as her eyes darted around the room anxiously.
"What happened today, Max?" he asked brokenly.
She didn't really know how to answer that. "I realized I'm completely in love with the man you've always feared I'd fall for" seemed a little harsh. "I-" she cut herself off as she floundered, searching for the words. "I shouldn't have said yes," she finally admitted softly wincing as he flinched back.
"So you don't regret what happened today?" he asked, his tone a mixture of disbelief and defeat.
"Of course I do," she replied immediately. His eyes raised to hers and her heart broke at the rising hope she saw in them. "I regret that it took me until we got to the alter to realize that this isn't what I wanted," she elaborated, mentally smacking herself at the way she worded it.
"Why? When did I become something you didn't want?" he asked desperately.
Her eyes were sad as she looked at him. "We went from never truly together to engaged over night, Logan. I was so caught up in the fantasy of the cure that I lost sight of everything that had become important to me since I was infected. I felt like I owed it to you, to us, to see this thing through."
"What became so important to you that I was just an obligation?" he asked incredulously.
Alec was her first thought but she chose another truth. "I found myself those years we were locked up in Terminal City, Logan. I was lost for eleven years. Alone, running, scared. I'm not gonna lie and say it was easy trying to lead TC and win our freedom and our lives but for the first time since I escaped Manticore I was surrounded by people like me. People who understood. I found my place in the ranks, I found myself, friends, family."
"And I just don't fit, right?" he asked somewhat snidely.
"When we first starting working together it was just us, Logan. We were in our own little world. Things aren't like that anymore...they can't be like that anymore. More importantly…" she hesitated briefly. "I don't want it to be like that anymore. I just don't think you could ever really be happy sharing me with hundreds of other people."
"You can stop dancing around it, Max," he scoffed disapprovingly. At her confused glance he grit out a clarification. It was just one word. "Alec."
She looked away, out towards the window where the bright moonbeams were filtering through the dark sky. "Do you love him?" he asked.
She hadn't told Alec how she felt and it didn't really feel right to confess it to Logan first but...well she owed Logan the truth too. "I do," she answered quietly.
Logan laughed humorlessly. "Interesting choice of words," he spat out and Max flinched back, squeezing her eyes shut at the poor word choice. "Just go, Max."
She nodded sadly. "I really am sorry Logan," she told him sincerely.
She was half way out the door when she heard his softly spoken words. "Be happy Max." She didn't reply as she quietly shut the door behind her.
Tears burned her eyes for the thousandth time that day as she blurred down the stairs and out into the fresh night air. She mounted her ninja immediately and raced over to Original Cindy's for some girl time.
~DA~
Four months later
Patience had really never been her strong suit. That wasn't a secret, everyone from Mole to Normal knew it. She was frayed, a wreck all the time, it was pathetic. Alec had put her through the ringer since he'd agreed to give her a second chance. It wasn't that he was caustic or cruel. He was just...distant. The worst part was that she couldn't even be mad because it was her fault and she deserved everything he dished out.
They went on dates, frequently even. He laughed and joked with her. Danced and drank with her. It was the intimacy that he was withholding and she didn't even know if he was aware that he was doing it. He had to be aware that there was distinct lack of sex, of course, but the little things were also missing. His hand brushing hers, standing hip to hip as they looked over plans for a heist, kisses to her forehead or cheek. He kissed her sometimes. She couldn't remember the last time he'd initiated it though.
He was punishing her. It hurt but she figured it was a small drop in the ocean of hurt that she'd caused him so she didn't complain. She just didn't know how much longer she could take it. If he never trusted her again, never wanted her again, then it would be best to just cut their losses and try to move on.
She was just about at her wits end as they sat on his couch, watching some movie that she'd paid exactly zero attention to, an entire cushion apart. The credits started to roll and she sighed as she moved to stand up, she'd barely rocked onto her feet though when he suddenly caught her hand and pulled her down to him.
She looked up in surprise as she fell onto his chest. As soon as her face was turned up towards him his lips were instantly covering hers. Her heart leapt to her throat as she greedily returned his kiss. He pulled at her arms until she was comfortably in his lap, his arms circled her waist as hers wrapped around his neck and they kissed until their lungs were burning. His lips were bruising against hers and she felt like he was letting out nearly six months of hurt, anger and frustration. She yielded to his assault, accepting every bottled emotion.
It was him that finally broke it off when lack of oxygen was becoming a serious issue for both of them. His forehead rested against hers, his eyes closed and face pained. Her pounding heart took a nosedive as a terrifying thought crossed her mind. Was that a goodbye kiss?
Panic clawed at her despite her thoughts from just a little while ago about not being able to take much more of the distance he'd placed between them.
"I miss you," he said suddenly, the words a gentle whisper against her lips.
"I'm right here," she replied just as quietly. "I'm gonna stay right here," she assured him, immediately forgetting her earlier thoughts as hope clawed out of the darkness towards the light. "I miss you too," she said, her voice breaking slightly.
He stood up suddenly, his arms kept a strong hold of her waist so she didn't slide down and instead wrapped her legs around him as he moved them to the bedroom. He laid her down gently on his bed before moving back a couple steps, she propped herself up on her elbows and quietly watched him.
"I've been distant," he said after a long moment, she nodded but didn't say anything for fear that he'd stop talking. "I didn't really realize it at first but then it became easier to just stay that way, you know?" he asked rhetorically. "Cindy said something to me the other night," he confessed.
Max started at that. "What did she say?" she was afraid to hear the answer.
"She told me that I had to get my head on straight and figure out if I could trust you again. That if I couldn't then I needed to end this limbo we've been in," he paused. "She was right."
Max's heart lurched. The fact that he'd brought her into the bedroom was a good sign...right?
He sat down on the edge of the bed and looked at her. "See, I trust you with my life and the lives of our friends. I trust you to lead us and I trust you to always do what you think is the best thing for us. I just couldn't trust your feelings for me."
She looked away in shame, her eyes sparkling with tears as he continued. "And that's partly your fault," he said baldly, it wasn't spoken in condemnation but just as fact. "But it isn't all your fault," he added. "I loved once and it nearly destroyed me...it did destroy her. When you and I started hookin' up I knew it could never be just a casual thing. Not with you. I just also wasn't ready to dive any deeper than we already were. Maybe if I'd been more willing to put myself out there none of this would have happened," he mused helplessly.
Max moved towards him then. "There's not a single part of my bad decision that's your fault, Alec," she said vehemently, unable to let himself take the blame for her mistake. "I should have put myself out there because I've been free for so much longer than you and I should have known better. And because I love you. I just didn't realize it until it was almost too late...because it isn't too late, is it?" she asked fearfully, her heart in his hand.
He seemed surprised by her words. "For awhile I thought it was," he admitted. "Cindy got me thinking though and I know that the last few months haven't been easy for you either. You've been patient and you haven't pushed and those are two things that are so not you that I realized I had no choice but to believe what you said the night of your almost wedding."
Max held her breath as he looked her in the eyes. "I'm not saying everything is right as rain, not yet. But I do know that I'm in love with you, Max, and I'm not ready to give that up," he said sincerely.
She surged forward and captured his lips, nearly sobbing in relief as he passionately returned her kiss before laying her back down and sliding over her. They still had plenty of things to work through but for the first time in months she really believed that they would work thought them. She made a silent promise to herself and more importantly to him that she'd never give him a reason to withhold his heart from her again.