AN: Y'all have no idea how excited I am for this miniseries! I've been marinating on it for over a week now gahhhhhhhhh. There's a theory out there that Asta might sacrifice himself to seal the demons away (my fellow ABD fans where you at?) and it has sparked angst within me ever since so angsty fics it is!
You know the thing about angst that is so painful for me? It isn't the bad thing that happens, but the what could've/should've been that doesn't come true because of that bad thing. And the most frustrating fact about regret is that it often comes when it is already too late.
C11: Too Late
Six months ago, King Julius predicted that Asta will die – it is with great misfortune to discover that the Wizard King is never wrong.
The battlefield is silent as the magic knights stood in disbelief of the events that just transpired, the outcome of which is disappointing to say the least and tragic at worse. After all that training to rapidly gain strength, endlessly preparing for days on end, they had gotten so far but their victory was bittersweet. The world may be safe from Devil invasion but the price it took to pay was a heavy loss for those that survived. They knew it was his fate and it was frustrating how even after trying their hardest, they still couldn't change a damn thing.
Six months ago, King Julius predicted that Asta will die – it is with great misfortune to discover that the Wizard King is never wrong.
Nevertheless, it was a valiant effort. Throughout all that chaos somehow everyone that used to think so little of the magicless runt became aware of his value to the world. Including the Magic Knights Captains that were previously prejudiced to those with little magic were prepared to protect Asta at all costs. If not valued for his antimagic, then it was for what he represented – an individual that motivates every single person in the world to become a strong Magic Knight. Alas their opponent was a King of Demon-kind Lucifero, whose power was so immensely abundant that even at 50 percent and the captains working in tandem; against him they were nothing but annoying flies to be swatted away.
In an effort to end it all and save everyone Asta sacrificed himself by pushing the devils (both Adrammelech and Lucifero) into the portal that Yami managed to open by combining his Dark magic with the wooden sword Willian crafted. Unfortunately, the antimage was the only person capable of doing such a feat, anyone else might not be able to return to their world; his manaless nature proving to be convenient once again. All that he had to do after arriving in the Demon dimension was to make sure he survived long enough to find the exit. Liebe had done it before so that should increase their odds of survival. Even still, countless people wanted to stop him, but everyone was either too far away or still held down by gravity to do anything significant. Some of them with tears welling up in their eyes, hysterically begged him not to; sadly, it was all for naught.
Yet in the midst of all that insanity, Asta managed a smile.
"Live." He uttered with that familiar wide grin of his, eyes pinched closed and a voice as loud and bright.
He smiled as though he wasn't about to plunge to his inevitable death, as if this wasn't the last time he will ever see them again, as if this wasn't the final word he would ever say, and there was nothing Noelle could do about it.
Absolutely nothing.
The portal sealed behind him but even if they had the appropriate tools to open the gate once more – they can't risk the devils wreaking havoc again. If he wanted to get out, Asta would have to do it by himself and all they could do is wait.
"Asta!" A desperate wail finally breaks the silence, but it wasn't Noelle's voice currently expressing her turmoil. The remaining mages could only look down in pity, marinating in their own version of devastating grief.
"I co-couldn't st-stop him…" Mimosa whispers in between her sobs, with her shoulders quaking and water continuously dripping down her cheeks.
"Don't cry, Mimosa." The Silva princess tries to offer comfort by rubbing circles onto the brunettes back, the same way back when they were still little girls. It was a pity to discover that it no longer worked. The plant mage continues to wallow in despair and Noelle gulps to keep her own sorrow from showing.
"Did you forget? Bakasta is too stubborn to die so he'll definitely come back, I'm sure of it." She comforts once more, levelling her voice as much she could. Again, this doesn't work but thankfully Yuno comes to her rescue.
"Noelle is right, Asta won't let this be the end. We still have a promise to keep." She notes that the normally stoic male is capable of expressing emotions after all. Noelle can even sense that Yuno was doing the same thing as her; keeping composure lest they all start breaking down.
"That's why until then, we have to keep being strong." Yuno adds, his hand gently gripping Mimosa's shoulder.
"Hic-O-sob-Okay." The brunette tries to calm her uncontrollable breathing, rubbing away her tears with trembling hands.
If a tear or two escaped from their own eyes, neither Yuno nor Noelle have the heart to brush it away.
The rowdy bunch that is the Black Bulls is eerily silent when they enter the hideout, if it was appropriate Yami would've joked that it must be the end of the world, and in a sense it was – their world at least. Losing a member is equivalent to that of a death in the family, all squads had their version of camaraderie but for the Bulls it went even deeper than that. They were a group of misfits deemed irrelevant by society, thus they only had each other to cling to. It wasn't until Asta that each member was capable of improving themselves at such a rapid pace.
Asta served as the core that held them all together, the bright ball of sunshine and determination that motivated everyone with his incredible hard work. Losing him, was the biggest failure they could ever achieve. What's worse is that they knew this would happen, even spent half a year of rigorous effort to try and stop it. They had gotten so far, doing everything they possibly could, they passed even beyond their limits and yet – they still failed. They failed and now Asta is gone with no way of helping him to get back, and nothing else to do but hope that he will one day return.
Even Yami Sukehiro is not dense enough to be unaware of the damage their loss has caused in his squad's morale. He doesn't even need to use ki, the Black Bulls' despondency can be sensed a mile away. The elder man surveys the familiar hideout, feeling as though it had been years since he's last been here even if he was only taken for a couple of days. Relief does not come though, and it probably won't for a while, not until they were complete. He still had to do something about this heavy atmosphere, loss was natural in their line-of-work, though that doesn't mean grief was easier to digest. He hits the wall next to him, the force causing the whole building to vibrate from the impact.
"Look up, you idiots! You've all done well in getting stronger, you should be proud of what you've accomplished." As instructed, all of the members forced themselves to steer away from staring at the ground – Gray especially. It is then that he sees the heaviness in their lower lids, shoulders hunched as low as the frowns on their faces, they were not only physically exhausted but also emotionally drained.
Welp, time to be a responsible captain for once.
"Listen up! Fate may be one big son of a bitch but we can't give up when it punches us in the gut, no matter how many times we fall, we stand back up. We're the Black Bulls and we always exceed our limits so you best believe Asta will return even stronger." Most, if not all of the members look at him in shock at his attempt to comfort.
Did they really think so little of him? Gah, whatever he's trying now, ain't he?
"I better not find out you're all slacking off, the brat being gone ain't an excuse. So, by the time Asta comes back, you lot better not meet him with depressed faces. You hear me?!" The captain's eyes trap them all in a stern gaze, lastly settling on the Silva princess.
"Yes, sir!" They all salute, relief may never come but they all had faith – and sometimes… sometimes that was enough.
"That brat better come back." The captain scoffs as he turned towards the restroom just as always. With his teeth grit they hear him mutter to himself. "I still gotta hit him for stealing my suave death scene and dying words. Better yet, I should sue his ass for copyright infringement." The bathroom door closes with a slam, leaving them to themselves.
Noelle immediately goes into her room.
In front of the Bulls she remained calm, even throughout the insistent questioning that the other members subdued onto her. They were worried, she was the closest to him after all. Initially she chalked it up as momentary bravery but perhaps it was because her mind still couldn't comprehend the fact that Asta was gone. The moment she closed her bedroom door, all the thoughts and emotions she repressed starts to burst.
Like the others she had faith that Asta would one day come back but for how long will they have to wait? Call her crazy but he hasn't been gone long and yet she already misses him.
"Stupid." The back of her head lightly bangs against the door behind her. Cloudy pink eyes stare blankly at the ceiling, until it fades to an assortment of lightly colored blobs. Noelle hates that her vision blurs, the undeniable wetness on her cheeks, the sensation of her nose starting to clog and the tenseness of her jaw.
What kind of last word was that, anyways?
Live, is what Asta said. Without me, was all Noelle could hear.
"Idiot." She scowls. As if she could do that when he is no longer here.
Didn't he know?
Noelle Silva is only alive today because of him. It is without exaggeration that on the day they met he had saved her. Even before succumbing in her spell, she was imprisoned her entire life. The princess wasn't a simple case of a poor girl trapped in her own magic. It was more than just a magicless idiot bursting that suffocating bubble; water isn't the only material a person can drown in.
The true danger of that day was mentally succumbing in the chaos of her own agonizing thoughts. She was beyond dissatisfied with the state of her life. Despite trying her damn hardest to get better nothing ever came out of her efforts. Nobody even acknowledged how hard she was trying; in fact, she was shunned because she was trying.
What was the point of living, anyway? Her existence only served to tarnish the Silva name, her father never so much as spoke a word to her, her own siblings despised the very sight of her, and Noelle believed it was because she was weak – royals aren't supposed to be weak. And she tried to change that, she tried so hard, her whole life she struggled to break free from that mold, the Magic Knights Exam was supposed to be her opportunity to prove herself but what did her brother do? Nozel didn't even bother giving her a chance, instead he placed her with the Black Bulls – the squad known to be the worst of the worst. His message was loud and clear then, the bottom is where she is and that is where she will stay. At that point she was willing to believe it.
But Asta saved her from that destructive path, one stupid word of encouragement at a time.
He was her inspiration, her oasis in the middle of her miserable deserted existence. Just looking at him made her feel good about herself, made her strong without even trying. Asta had a way of looking at people, curious with a dash of innocent wonder, as if there was something to discover and admire in everyone.
What kind of magic do you have?
That is the question behind his lime green orbs, regardless of the answer there was only one response prepared on his tongue.
It's amazing! You must be super strong! Magic is so cool you know, even if I don't have it!
For someone that was constantly looked down on by other people's expectations, the pressure her own family exhibited, and the self-loathing she harbored, Asta's unconditional admiration was foreign to her. Despite seeing the ugliest side of her power, instead of lamenting over the fact that she can't control it, his positivity immediately led him to think of her endless potential. He was the first person to ever not regard her paltry magic as something weak, in fact he praised her for being strong and proceeded to reaffirm that multiple times until she herself started believing it was true.
Asta meant so much to her, to the Black Bulls, to everyone really.
He touched everyone's souls by not only gaining their recognition and respect but also inspiring them to do better themselves. It goes without saying that if Asta had not joined the Black Bulls it would've been impossible for any of them to get this far. She thinks he had his own kind of magic, magic he used on other people, a kind that drove others to try their best. There was no way he didn't, because somehow a peasant out in the boonies with no mana to his name managed to influence a multitude of people. And his departure, no doubt left a huge crater in everyone's hearts – hers especially, but he didn't know any of that.
Of course, he wouldn't, she never told him and now it was too late.
"Dumbass." Why did she never treat him with kindness? Or at least act friendly just as he was with her? Why couldn't she be honest like him?
Sometimes she wished she was as dense as Asta was, just so that she had enough courage to speak without thinking, to have the ability to say what she wanted with little regard to how others reacted. If she did she would've told him, she could've told him so many things.
Things like how his brightness casted sunshine on her endless rainy days, how his smile drives away her quivering anxiety in every fight and how his endless determination reignited the hope she lost and kept her going even to this day. Instead, she was only capable of saying prickly words, often demeaning or borderline cruel, even though she wanted to express the exact opposite.
Noelle's actions proved no better either, in her embarrassment she would unintentionally hurt him so many times, even in moments that he was especially kind, yet he never so much as showed that he was bothered by her actions. Sure, he questioned why she did it but he didn't push her to answer him nor did he ever complain or reprimand her to stop. Asta understood why she was that way and for someone not known for his patience, he clearly had a lot to spare for her.
The fact that the antimage understood her so effortlessly made her wonder if he knew her more than she would ever know herself. Maybe she didn't have to say anything at all, maybe he already knew what she thought, maybe he was just waiting for her to say it.
But she wasn't honest, because she was a coward and she failed him.
She doesn't get to return the favor he did, she doesn't get to save him this time. Not even an iota of a 'thankyou' was ever told from her lips, she wasted all of her chances. Now she doesn't get to tell him anything at all.
"Asta." She sobs, crumbling to her knees with her back against her door. Desperately trying to muffle her pained gasps, she further cocoons herself into a ball, her forehead resting on her bent knees, arms nestling her head.
Great, just great – no doubt her eyes would be all puffy and swollen in the morning, so much for staying strong. The others definitely won't leave her alone now but maybe that's a good thing. There was no use in trying to stop so she might as well let it all out; even if she hated the shortness of her breath, the snot running down her nose and the stinging at the corner of her lids.
God, she hated ugly crying. It reminds her of old times, of blankly staring at a painted portrait, of cruel glares aimed at her direction, lonely birthdays spent in front of a cold grave, an old stuffed bunny ripped to shreds, anxiety building in her flimsy controlled arms, inexplicable fear as she anticipates what the next day would bring; she'd describe it as a meaningless existence. The first fifteen years of her life felt like it had no other purpose than to cause her suffering.
Weak. She felt so weak. How can Asta think she can keep living when she felt this weak?
She needed him here, she needed to know that he was still alive and safe, she needed to see his idiotic smile again, she needed to hear his annoyingly loud voice, anything of him – she'd take anything.
"Please." She begs.
Come back so I can say it to your face.
All the words I left unsaid.
And the three words I have yet to reveal.
Imagining my Queen Noelle crying, makes me cry too. I hope that reading this hurt you as much as it did me (LOLS). Part 2 is next week ^ _^.