Chapter 3
Cassian took a few days off from training. Nesta didn't seem to be adjusting well. Her injuries had been healed but she was still emotional. Cassian has no idea what to do or how to help.
The first night and day she mostly slept. Cassian woke up to her cuddled into his side, just needing the heat of his body to keep her relaxed.
The next night, Cassian laid in her bed with her but snuck out after she was asleep. Cassian woke up in the middle of the night to her climbing into his bed sniffling.
"What happened?" He mumbled, half asleep. She wrapped her arms around him as she laid next to him.
"You left." He sighed.
"I need sleep." He answered, throwing an arm over his eyes. She tensed beside him before pulling her arms back.
"I'm sorry." She whispered, sitting up and sliding off the bed.
"No, Nes. It's fine." He tried to reach for her to pull her back into the bed but she snuck out the door before he could. He sighed. He really had no clue what to do.
On the third day, Nesta decided to head to the library. No one was expecting her to do work, Cassian made sure that no one approached her unless she approached them first. He waited at the entrance for her. Just to make sure that she was okay.
That night she finally came to dinner with him and Azriel. She sat as close to both of them as she could get. Even though she didn't say anything. Azriel's shadows were going crazy. Both of them watched her eat. She ate her entire plate, and drank down a cold glass of water. Cassian could see just how exhausted she was in her face.
"Would you like to sleep in my room tonight?" He questioned her.
"Please." She answered quietly. He swore his heart stopped. He would never forgive Rhys for breaking her.
That night Nesta showered, did her nighttime routine and met Cassian in his room. He had been pacing before he heard her footsteps approaching and he quickly sat down at his desk to not seem like he was stressed. He knew that if she for one second thought that she was stressing him out that she would leave and suffer on her own. He didn't want her to suffer on her own anymore. He wanted to take care of her. Wanted her to feel safe with him. He would do anything to make sure that she was safe. That included never letting Rhys or Feyre into the house ever again.
She got into bed on the furthest side from the door. Cassian made sure that the doors and windows were locked tight every single night. He smiled over at her while she got comfortable. A cup of steaming hot tea appeared alongside a book on the nightstand on her side of the bed.
"How was your day?" Cass asked her over his shoulder. He found that small talk kept her grounded. She liked the silence but he knew sometimes she needed someone to say something. Keep her in this world.
"Good." She answered, picking up the book. "I would like to come to training with you tomorrow." She continued.
"Are you sure?" He asked. She slowly nodded. "We can start easy." He commented, standing and moving towards the bed. She watched his movements closely. He had become so gentle with her. He was almost afraid to break her more than she was already broken. He slowly climbed under the covers with her and settled beside her. "Feyre wants to come see you." He quietly said.
"Did she leave Rhysand?"
"No." He almost laughed but didn't want to upset her.
"Then no." He wrapped an arm around her as she rested her head on his chest.
"Noted. They need a separation before she can come." Nesta's body shook with the little giggle that she let escape. He had never heard anything like it before. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever heard.
"Did she know?" She asked him. She needed to know if Feyre was standing by his decision.
"No." Cass started. "None of us did. He just told us to stay away from the house so we did. If I knew he was going to do that, I would have taken you with me. I just figured he was going to train you himself. We all voted to-"
"Voted?" She sat up a little. "What do you mean you voted?" Cassian blinked at her. He should not have said that. "You were all talking about me?" She whispered, sitting up further and taking her hand off his warm chest. "Without me there to defend myself?"
"I-" He started to say but had no idea how to continue. He was in big trouble. They all were.
"All of you?" She asked. "Even Elain?" He nodded. "And you? How did you vote?" He was silent, which was probably worse than just answering her question. She was quiet as she looked at him. And Gods did he want to stab himself for the sad look in her eyes.
"Nesta, I'm sorry. I thought I was doing something good for you."
"I get it." She whispered. "Just wish everyone had more faith in me." She shrugged. "That I wasn't being talked about like that. That you all voted against me."
"We shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry." Still, she wouldn't forgive them for that.
The night was rough for both of them. Nesta couldn't get comfortable. She tossed and turned all night. Every time she rolled over, Cassian would wake up. They both were exhausted when they entered the training ring. Azriel was already there working with a few others. Nesta walked behind Cassian, keeping her head down as they stood on the other side.
Cassian immediately started training. He taught her a few stances, how to block. The normal things for her to protect herself. He figured it would be a good place to start and then he would introduce swords if she wanted.
Not many words were exchanged. Just Cass telling her how to stay strong. Where her weaknesses were. About 15 minutes before Cassian was going to end the training, Feyre appeared at the door.
Nesta's eyes widened as she grabbed Cassian's shirt to get his attention. He turned and closed his eyes immediately. He had sent word that they were not to enter The House. But of course, no matter what he said, he couldn't do anything about his High Lady and had no say in where she went. He stepped in front of Nesta.
"I just wanted to talk."
"It's not a good time, Feyre." He commented. Feyre never should have ambushed her here. Where she finally seemed like she was comfortable. After the night they both had, it shouldn't have happened here.
"Please." Nesta gripped his shirt tighter. "At least come to dinner tonight." She commented after the long silence from both of them. Cassian wasn't going to speak for Nesta but knew she would never agree to going.
"I think we will have to kindly decline." Feyre sighed. It didn't matter how concerned she was for her sister, Nesta would never see it as Feyre being concerned. She would see it as Feyre trying to get rid of her so she didn't have to deal with her anymore. Nesta had nowhere else to go. They all knew that. Feyre had her apartment building torn down. All Nesta wanted was to go home and she had no idea where that was.
"Please come to dinner." Cassian made no promises. "We need to have a meeting." Feyre said. "With all of us." Cassian knew what that meant. War was coming. And they needed to evaluate everyone. Needed to figure out what Nesta's powers could do. Needed to figure out what the hell was happening with the other Courts and who they could actually ally with.
"We'll come." Nesta made a sound of protest behind him. "And we will behave." Nesta would do no such thing.
She didn't want to be here. She did not want to see Rhys. But Cassian promised that he wouldn't leave her alone. Even though she trusted Cass the most, she still didn't have much trust in him.
Everyone was there when they got there. She was so nervous she was sweating. She knew everyone hated her. Cassian had said it. The words still run through her mind nearly every second of every single day. Her breathing picked up the second they entered through the door frame. Everyone was sitting in the dining room waiting for them.
Cassian pulled out a seat for her next to the head of the table for her next to Azriel. He sat at the head of the table so that he could see everyone but she didn't need to. No one greeted her. She didn't say a word as food appeared on the table. Cassian filled her plate for her before filling his own. When the wine was passed to him from Azriel, she grabbed it first and filled up her glass.
"Let's not." Rhys said from the other side of the table. "Let's not act like that's a good idea." She briefly looked at him, then her sister. Then to Cassian.
"It's fine." Cassian confirmed as she set the bottle down. She hadn't had wine since she moved to the House. The House wasn't allowed to give her any alcohol but she had talked with Cassian before this dinner and asked if she could have at least one glass. He said she could but if Rhys said no, she wasn't going to push it.
"It's not fine!" He barked from the other side of the table. "We all know how she is."
"How she is?" Cassian was ready to defend her. He knew she would never say a word. She rested her hand on his and shook her head.
"It's fine." She switched her glass with his and filled her cup with water instead. Rhys seemed satisfied with that. She knew that they all looked at her the same way. Like she was an alcoholic whore. They all hated her. Amren probably the most. Well maybe Rhys hated her the most but Amren came in a very close second. Amren sat across from her not saying a single word, just looking at her. She could feel the eyes on her. Watching her. Making sure she didn't step foot out of line.
But even though Rhys hated her the most, no one hated her more than she hated herself. It was a hard pill to swallow knowing that everyone your sister loved hated you and that you didn't belong. It was a whole other pill to swallow when you hated yourself. She would never be able to get away from herself. She didn't blame Cassian if he left eventually.
The circle talked a game plan. Deciding that Elain needed to figure out how to work her powers. Nesta did not speak up when they offered up Elain to see if she could see the Cauldron.
"Just going to let another one of your sister's do the dirty work while you just sit there?" Mor asked her. The first words Mor had spoken to her in a very long time. Nesta looked up from her plate. No one had asked her to help.
"I-" She stuttered. She didn't know what to say. Hell she didn't know how to help. Last time she tried to help it just made everything worse. Mor rolled her eyes. Nesta looked at Cassian, tears brimming in her eyes that she blinked away. But he didn't miss it.
"Can we all just relax?" He was getting annoyed. Neither Elain or Feyre spoke up. She knew her sister's didn't like her. Knew that Elain would never speak up about it.
"Stop fighting a losing battle, Cassian. Give it up." Amren commented. Was Nesta just that? A losing battle? She so badly wanted to prove them wrong. She was going to start training every day. No matter how long it took. It wasn't her fault that she was thrown into this life. She just wanted to go home. Wherever that may be.
They waited what seemed like hours as Elain stood with her eyes closed, scrying. They had moved to the library, everyone bringing their wine with them. Nesta looked around, noticing that she was still the only one who didn't have a portrait up. It didn't hurt any less. But she knew it was her fault. She had been so cruel that she understood why. She knew that they really only had her here because they needed her. Needed her powers to spy on whatever was happening.
When Elain sighed and sat down, she stood.
"I'll try." Everyone was silent. She picked up the stones and bones that Elain had dropped on the table and closed her eyes. She tried to silence her mind. But she couldn't. So many thoughts were flying through her head that she couldn't see anything. She could feel their eyes on her. Waiting for any type of reaction from her. She stood there for a while, so they would think she was actually trying hard. But she knew it was never going to work out. She wasn't calm enough. "I'm sorry." Nesta finally said as she set the stones and bones down.
"Back to square one." Feyre commented. Nesta felt defeated. Now she really wasn't needed. If her powers weren't present, if she didn't know how to use them, what did they need her for? Nothing.
They didn't need her for anything. And they made it clear when they dismissed her for the night, and said they would try again tomorrow with Elain.
She did this to herself. She knew that. She knew that it was her fault that she didn't have a relationship with any of them besides Cassian. She knew that there was more to her relationship with Cassian. Neither of them was going to make a move. He would never make a move because even though they were mates, his family would never accept her or their relationship. No matter how much he loved her.
But her relationship with everyone else was non-existent. Knew that they didn't want a relationship with her. At one point she was seeing Amren every few days for coffee or tea but after Amren called her a pathetic waste of life she figured there wasn't a friendship to salvage anymore. She had said her peace and Nesta had accepted it.
Cassian decided that a walk through town might help clear her head. She gripped his arm as they walked.
"They think I haven't changed." She said to him, glancing in the window at a shop.
"You haven't." He answered truthfully. She nodded at his words. Yes, she wasn't as mean and tended to keep her mouth shut now but she wasn't totally willing to help out with whatever they needed. She only helped out today because they were expecting her to. That's the only reason she was invited to the dinner. They need her abilities.
"I'm sorry it'll never be enough."