Chapter 5

Nesta agreed to not take Rhys out if Cassian continued to train her. He decided that now they would focus on self defense. She didn't need to know how to kill someone, just needed to know how to protect herself and throw strong enough punches to not have to continue to fight.

But today, she was sitting in the ring with her legs crossed and was breathing. Cassian watched her for a few minutes, not wanting to interrupt whatever she was doing. Her back was perfectly straight, her face showed no sign of any emotion.

"What are you doing?" Cassian asked.

"Relaxing." She answered. He moved closer to her and sat in front of her. She opened one eye and smiled at him. It had only been a week since they had gone out drinking. It has also been a week since they heard from anyone. It was really just them and Azriel. Cassian felt left out. He knew that the Inner Circle were having dinner parties and meetings. He knew that he was invited, he just didn't feel right going when he knew how much it would hurt Nesta.

He also knew that Rhys was still angry with both of them. Rhys wanted Nesta out of the City. At least far enough away from the city that she would never be able to get to the city on her own. Cassian downright refused to do that to her. They had agreed on the terms that she would move to the house of Wind and she would train. That is what they were doing. Until she was healed fully, she wasn't going anywhere. At least not without him.

He smiled at her and she softly smiled. He had gotten a few of those out of her recently. He saw a change in her. Even if the other's didn't. He was proud of her. She didn't seem nearly as angry as she was before. He wasn't too sure what exactly had changed. Beside's the constant fights that were happening. But still, she seemed more at peace.

"What changed?" He asked.

"What do you mean?" She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"You seem different?"

"Finally found someone who saw me." She finally opened both of her eyes to look at him. He had his arms resting on his knees that were spread in front of him. "I know my sister's don't like me. They have to love me. Doesn't mean they have to like me." He stayed silent. He heard the words exchanged between the Inner Circle. He knew what they all said. He tried hard not to listen. Tried hard not to get offended. No matter what, he would never tell Nesta what they said. It would only hurt her more. "Felt like no one understood."

"We understand."

"No. You don't." She flatly said. "Do you know what it's like to watch your father die? To hear his neck snap? To hear that every single time there is a fire burning in the fireplace?" Cassian didn't say a word. He didn't need to. He understood. He understood why she was so closed off. Why at every single party she sat as far away from the fire as possible. Why she nearly ran out of the house every single time there was a party.

"Fuck." He ran his hands through his hair. She was quiet as she looked at him. Words didn't need to be exchanged, he understood. "I didn't know."

"No one knew." She answered. "Feyre and Elain just moved on like it was nothing." Even if they didn't move on like it was nothing, they made it seem like it was nothing. Feyre was happy with her mate and her new house. Elain was happy just gardening all day long. Nesta was expected to work for Rhysand. Even though she didn't want to. "You ever just…"

"Want it to stop?" She nodded at his words. She couldn't explain it. Couldn't explain what it was. All she knew was that she wanted it to stop. "Yeah." Cassian nodded, reaching for her hand. She gently rested her hand in his. He was always so gentle. "I would like to take you to dinner."

"Like a date?" She asked, cocking her head to the side and smiling.

"Call whatever you would like. But I would like to take you out." He smiled.

"I would love to." Her eyes sparkled. Like literally. At least Cassian swears they did. She giggled to herself a little. No one had ever asked her on a date. Like a serious one. One where they didn't expect to get lucky at the end. She knew it was serious with Cass. All he did want was dinner. She was going to soak up every single minute of his attention.

Four days later, Nesta was standing in the mirror in her room trying to decide which dress to wear. She sighed, throwing one on the bed and picking up another. Her body had finally started filling out more now that she was actually eating and training. When she glanced back in the mirror, Feyre and Elain were standing behind her. She immediately froze.

"We didn't come to fight." Feyre said softly.

"Couldn't let you get ready for your first real date alone." Elain smiled, stepping into the room more. Nesta looked at them both in the mirror. Feyre made no move to enter the room. Nesta didn't forget what had been done. Couldn't forget that Elain packed up all of her things to move her here. Couldn't forget that Feyre's mate was the one who dropped her in a mountain and clearly felt no remorse. Couldn't forget that Feyre agreed to build a house in the mountains and ship her off to be alone. To teach her a lesson that she had already learned.

Elain immediately started fussing with Nesta's hair.

"He told you?"

"No. He told Azriel, who told us." Nesta nodded. It wasn't like it was a secret that they were going on a date. "Was it a secret?" Feyre asked.

"No. I just wasn't sure how you would react to our relationship."

"Is that what this is?" Nesta wasn't sure. They hadn't discussed it yet. She was sleeping in his bed every night. They spent most of their day together besides when she was working down in the library. Other than that, they were together either training, or just sitting in the private library together.

"We haven't discussed it." She was afraid to have that conversation with Cassian. Afraid that he didn't like her the way she liked him. And she did. Like him. Liked him a lot more than she probably should. She put him through Hell and he was still rooting for her. Trying to help her become the best person she could possibly be.

Nesta never made eye contact with her sisters as they fussed over her hair and helped her into a gown. She had no idea where Cassian was taking her but she decided on a pair of red heels to go along with the black tight dress.

"You look amazing." Feyre smiled at her.

"Thank you." She answered. She was nervous for the date. She had never been on a date like this, let alone one where she actually liked the guy. With someone she had fought a war with. One that she screamed for to save his life. She could have sworn he was just being nice though. Knew that maybe she just needs a night out.

"Have fun." Elain called over her shoulder as she left the room. Feyre was still in the room looking over Nesta. Nesta had no idea what to say to her. She didn't want to fight with her right before she went out on a date. She knew it would only piss Cassian off and he had no problem calling her out on things.

"Cassian is a good man." Feyre said. It confused Nesta because she knew he was. He had proved it to her many times. He had been taking care of her for the last four weeks.

"I know."

"Do not hurt him." Nesta stayed silent. It was clear before that the Inner Circle protected each other. But it was very clear now that none of them viewed her as someone to protect too. Except Cassian and Azriel.

Now she didn't want to go. Afraid that she would say the wrong thing and it would make him officially hate her. She slowly turned to look at herself in the mirror instead of standing in front of her sister.

"He deserves someone who treats him right." Nesta knew that Feyre was just trying to protect him but it wasn't helping her nerves. And it wasn't helping her feel better about herself. Even though he said that it was enough, she knew it wasn't. Knew she wasn't enough and that he deserved so much better than her. Feyre knew it, Elain knew it, Rhysand knew it. Everyone knew that he deserved better.

She swallowed as she smoothed her hands down her dress. It fit perfectly to her curves and held her breasts up to show the perfect amount of cleavage that would have Cassian drooling. She wore her hair mostly down but the front was pinned up to stay out of her face. She looked beautiful, but she didn't feel beautiful. You can change the outside as much as you wanted, it would never change how you felt on the inside.

"Have a good night." Feyre followed Elain out the door. Nesta didn't have much time to think of an excuse to cancel on Cassian. He was knocking on the door a few minutes later with a bouquet of flowers.

She smiled gently at him as she took the flowers and smelled them.

"They're beautiful." She set them in the vase on her nightstand before turning back to him.

"You look amazing." He breathed.

"Thank you." She took a few calming breaths as he gave her his elbow and she slid her arm through his. "Where are we going?"

"Into town. There's a steakhouse I thought you might enjoy."

"Perfect." She smiled. "Is flying going to ruin my hair?" Conversation with Cassian was always easy. He was never the type to dwell on things. Nesta let things eat her alive.

"I'll do my best to not ruin your hair." With that, they left the house and took the flight to town. Once they landed, Cassian steadied her while she fixed her hair and dress. He again offered her his elbow. She easily slid her arm through his as he guided her into the restaurant.

They were seated the second they walked in. Cassian held the chair out for Nesta and pushed her in when she sat. He sat across from her and was handed a wine menu. He looked through it and picked one, ordering a glass for each of them. Nesta took the time to look around. She hadn't been here before. She never really went anywhere but to the market and the bars when she was living in her apartment. She felt like she shouldn't be here. She did not belong here. She would never be able to afford a meal here.

"Are you okay?" Cassian asked, getting her attention.

"Yes. Are you?"

"Yes. You just look like you have a lot on your mind." She shrugged. She shared a lot with him but she wasn't going to tell him that her sister pretty much admitted that she didn't think they belonged together. "A thought for a thought?"

"I don't think you wanna know my thoughts."

"Why wouldn't I want to know?" He asked.

"Fine. I was thinking that I don't belong here." She admitted. She gave him a half truth. He didn't need to know what was actually eating at her.

"Why do you think that?" He asked.

"I can't afford any of this." She answered looking at the menu.

"Don't worry about that." The waiter came back over and began to pour their wine. They were both quiet while he stood there. Once he left, Cassian lifted his glass and tilted it towards her. She lifted her and gently clinked them together before taking a sip. She kept her eye on him the entire time. He looked so handsome. She couldn't help but fall a little bit more in love with him every single time she looked at him. She was in big trouble.

"I gave you a thought. You owe me one." She commented as she set her glass down.

"I'm thinking you look beautiful, we need to do this more often so I can show you off." She chuckled a little. She wanted nothing more than to be the girl that was hanging off his arm.

He deserves someone who treats him right.

It wasn't that she wouldn't be able to treat him right. It's that he deserves someone who treated him right from the second he met her. It was that she was so outspoken that their relationship would probably never work. They would always be at each other's throats when it came to an argument. They had proved it before that they say hateful things to each other.

"How's the house coming along?"

"The house?" He asked.

"The one Rhys is building." He didn't say anything, just leaned back and looked at her.

"You're not going to that house."

"Cass." She whispered looking at him. "It's okay."

"It's not okay. What he's doing is not okay."

"It is. If it's going to make your life in his court easier, I'll do it." He slammed his hand on the table. The glasses shook and she flinched.

"It would not make my life easier." He leaned closer to her. "Rhys can deal with it." This was going well. She already pissed him off. Feyre was right.

The waiter made that the perfect time to come over and asked if they had the chance to look at the menu. Cassian motioned to Nesta to order. She picked the first steak on the menu. She took a sip of her wine while Cassian was ordering. When her mouth was busy doing other things, she wasn't pissing people off. Maybe that's why she was always drinking. It kept her mouth busy so she couldn't spew the hate that was inside her.

"How's your wine?" Cassian asked.

"I enjoy it." That was like asking her if she enjoyed her chocolate cake. Of course she would enjoy it. She wasn't allowed to have it anymore. She felt like a kid on Christmas who was looking in the gift bags before she was supposed to.

Their meals were brought over. Cassian got a butter chicken dish that looked amazing. Nesta's steak was huge and she wasn't even sure how to cut it.

"Need help?"

"Please." Cassian cut it for her before turning to his own meal. Nesta ate slowly. "Oh my God. This is amazing."

"Everything here is really good." He commented.

"Wanna try mine?" She asked, stabbing a piece of meat and holding it out to him. He leaned forward and closed his mouth around her fork. She watched his lips closely as he dragged his teeth over the fork and chewed the piece of meat.

"Delicious." He smiled. Now she was the one who was drooling. How could that possibly be so attractive? Gods help her.

After dinner that filled Nesta so much she couldn't even order dessert, they decided to walk down the streets of Velaris. The stars were on full display, something that Nesta would never get used to seeing, they were so beautiful. Cassian stood close behind her as they stopped on the bridge to look up at the sky.

It always shocked Nesta how beautiful it was. How big the world actually was. Cassian was staring at the back of her head.

"You ever just think of how big the world actually is? And we're stuck in this city."

"You're not really stuck. You can go wherever you please." He answered. That wasn't really true. The humans and fae did not get along. She could travel if she wanted but she wouldn't be welcome anywhere. It would be pretty lonely. And she had no money.

"You don't feel stuck?"

"No." He answered. "My life is here. My job is here." He answered, stepping beside her and leaning against the railing. She stepped closer to him, the cool Autumn air made goosebumps rise on her skin. "So many thoughts are running through that mind of yours." She looked over at him but didn't react to his words. He rested his hand on her face. "You're never gonna tell me, are you?" She shook her head. She didn't need to plague him with her thoughts. "That's not part of healing." He commented. "You should let it out."

"When I let things out, it hurts the people I care about."

"Didn't know you cared about anyone." He joked, she shoved him a little but as she moved to shove his chest, he crushed her to him and crushed his lips to hers. She melted into the kiss. Her mouth overtaking her brain. Once she realized what they were doing, she gasped and pressed her hand to his chest. He pulled back. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." She shook her head and tried to step back.

"Somethings wrong. I'm sorry if I went too far."

"It's not you." He let her go and was silent as she stepped away, shaking her head.

"It's not you, it's me." He rolled his eyes. "Typical."

"It is me." She nearly whined. "It has nothing to do with you. I promise. I wanted you to kiss me. My brain just wasn't ready for it I guess."

"Whatever." She could see it happening right in front of her. He was closing himself off. After he had tried to let her in. To let her see the real him. She was panicking. She didn't want this to happen. She knew she was going to fuck up. It was in her nature to piss people off when she didn't even mean to.

"Cassian-" She reached out to touch him but he slapped her hand away. Tears stung in her eyes.

"You're never going to see it." He said, shaking his head.

"See what?" She asked, trying so hard to keep her emotions from bubbling over. She was so sick of crying. Her heart was breaking inside her chest.

"How much I actually care about you."

"Everyone keeps saying that you deserve better."

"Who the fuck is everyone?! You haven't even talked to anyone."

"Feyre." She answered.

"Seriously?" He asked. She had never felt so insecure. "Open your eyes!" He shouted at her. "Why can't you see it?!" She couldn't see anything with the tears that were threatening to fall. She hated when he yelled at her like that.

"See what?!"

"You're my fucking mate!"