Chapter 9
Cassian was late and Rhys and Azriel were going to kill him. He had barely slept. He was trying to talk things through with Nesta. They had stayed up all night talking about what they were going to do. For now, they were going to keep their relationship secret.
Cassian hated the idea but Nesta insisted that no one would approve. And he would do anything to make her happy. So he would allow it, for now.
"Where the fuck have you been?" Rhys asked the second he came into the snowball fight that was seconds away from starting. He had no time to prepare. There was no way he was going to win now.
"With Nesta."
"So you're fucking her now?" Cassian rolled his eyes. Even if he was, why would Rhys care? "Better be careful. Don't know if she's carrying something around."
"I'm not fucking her. And how dare you say that to me." Cassian swore he could see red. "Who she sleeps with is none of your business."
"So you are fucking her?"
"What if I was?" He asked. "Why do you care?"
"I told you both to stay away from the sisters."
"I'm not doing that." Cassian answered.
"Neither am I." Rhys and Cassian both looked over at Azriel. Rhys raised his eyebrows at Azriel then looked at Cassian.
"We'll discuss more later." He said before turning to Azriel. "You are to stay away from Elain. I'm serious." Azriel just smirked and headed off in the direction of his snow fort. Cassian took off to start building his and started making snowballs as fast as he could. He was going to win this thing even if it killed him. Pure anger would help him win. He just threw snowball after snowball.
Cassian convinced Nesta to go to the River House to see Feyre and Elain. She had no idea how he convinced her but here she was, sitting with Feyre, drinking a cup of tea while Cassian was out throwing snowballs. Mor sat across from them eyeing them both.
"So Cassian huh?" She asked.
"What about him?" Nesta asked. She wasn't going to give them any fuel to make him feel worse than he already does. She knew he wanted to tell everyone they were together. He wanted to show her off. She would love nothing more than to walk into every single room attached to his arm. But knew that he would get so much shit she didn't want him to have to deal with it.
"Mates huh?" Mor sipped her tea.
"I guess so." Nesta answered with a shrug. She wasn't so sure she liked the word. "A little weird. I just never thought I would have someone who would want to be stuck with me forever."
"How are you so sure he does?"
"He told me he does." Mor sat back in her seat. She knew that's how mates worked. He would defend Nesta to the death and clearly she would do the same for him.
"He's a great lay too." Nesta kept her breathing even. She was not going to give Mor the satisfaction of upsetting her.
"I know." Feyre choked on her tea.
She really didn't know. They hadn't gone that far. Yes they slept in the same bed, her tucked into his side as close as she could get. But clothes remained on. They had slept like that plenty of times but neither ever made a move for something more.
"Well well. Always thought Cassian would end up with a whore." Nesta breathed out once and stood.
"Thank you for the tea." She set her cup down on the table and headed for the door. She grabbed her coat from the closet as Feyre came up behind her.
"Please don't go." Feyre didn't have a chance to talk to her. To ask what was really going on. To just be sisters.
"I'm not staying if she is." Nesta said. "I will not be spoken to like that."
"You mouth off at everyone."
"Was I rude, Feyre?"
"In the past, yes."
"Okay. I'm trying to change. And I'm working on myself and through my trauma but your friends, family, whatever the hell they are to you, aren't giving me credit. No one is giving me the benefit of the doubt but Cassian. So I will wait outside until he is done with whatever he is doing."
"You don't have to wait outside." Feyre sighed. Nesta was going to be setting boundaries. She didn't care who's feelings she hurt. She wasn't going to allow anyone to talk to her like that when she was trying to heal herself. "Wait in the library. I just got a bunch of new romances you can try out."
"Fine." Nesta turned and headed towards the library. Elain was resting in a chair near the fireplace.
"Hi." Elain said softly when Nesta stepped in and closed the door.
"Hello." She hesitated before walking towards her sister and sitting in the chair across from her.
"Are you alright?" Elain asked, setting her book down. Nesta shrugged. She really had no idea. She had no idea how to go about her life like normal. "You don't have to tell me."
"I just don't know what to say honestly." She sighed. She wanted to tell Elain all about Cassian. How much she liked him. But she wasn't sure if she would go running off to Feyre and tell her. She couldn't risk anyone finding out right now. She didn't want anyone to judge their relationship more than they already were. They clearly thought that they were just sleeping together. She would let them believe whatever they wanted to believe. But she was never going to let anyone treat Cassian less than what he deserved.
She never wanted to bring Cassian down. She wanted to be his equal. She knew at this point in their relationship that he was the strong one. And she was the one with a loud mouth who often got into trouble with it.
"You ever like someone so much but you're afraid of being with them because of what their friends and family will think?" Nesta asked her.
"No. Just worried what you'll think of them." Nesta snorted. No one would ever be good enough for Elain. Which is exactly why she asked. Because Nesta would never be good enough for Cassian. "Don't beat yourself up about it, Nesta. He likes you."
"How do you even know who I'm talking about?"
"Cause I have two eyes." Nesta smiled to herself. "It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. Ignore Rhysand and Mor. The rest of us support you." Elain looked over at her. "It's okay to move on from what happened. It's okay to be happy. You don't have to feel guilty for it." The guilt had been eating Nesta alive. The guilt of not being able to save their father. Of taking a nosedive right off the deep end. Her actions, sleeping with a bunch of random males. Treating her sisters like they were less than her.
She was forced into this life. A life that she didn't want. She didn't want to be what she was. She didn't want to ever see Elain acting like how she was. She didn't want to go to war again. She didn't want to be used for her powers that she knows the Inner Circle are just dying to use. She wanted to be normal. She wanted to live a normal life with Cassian where they could get married, have kids, grow old together. She wanted her normal life back no matter how shitty it was. She didn't want to be in this body. She certainly didn't want to be locked in a house in the mountains.
"Do you feel guilty?" Nesta asked. Elain knew she was talking about their father's death.
"No. I saved you." There was nothing either of them could have done to save their father. Even if they tried, they would probably be dead. Elain was just able to sneak up on the King of Hybern, that was the only way anyone could have possibly killed him. Nesta just finished the job. "It wasn't our fault."
"I hate myself. That I hated him."
"He let us starve, Nesta. Your feelings towards him don't have to change just because he died." Nesta knew deep down it wasn't just him. It was their mother too. Who treated her like a little princess and expected her to act the part. They never got to be kids. And then they were thrown into this world without even being able to heal their trauma that they got in their human life.
Elain was right. Nesta knew that much. She still worried that things would never fall into place. Cassian could easily get someone new. He could easily have any girl in the world falling at his feet. Nesta worried that he would eventually see what he was worth and he would leave her. Even though they were mates, he could easily break the bond if he wanted.
"I just…" Elain was quiet while she gathered her thoughts. "When we became Fae and came here. I saw how perfect Feyre's life was."
"Made you jealous." Nesta nodded. "I was too."
"You were a shell of a person, Elain."
"And you took care of me."
"I tried my best."
"I appreciate your best." Nesta was quiet. No matter what, her sister's loved her. Even when they didn't like her as a person. She was worried they would never forgive her.
"I'm sorry."
"For?" Elain questioned, looking over at her sister. The sister who never apologized for anything. Who said what she said and would never take it back. The sister who tried her best.
"Everything." Nesta whispered. "I won't apologize for how I felt. But I do apologize for what I said and how I acted when I was at war with myself."
"You never had to fight that war alone."
"Yes I did. You were finally back to yourself. I would never take that away from you." Elain appreciated that but she never wanted her sister to have to fight a war with herself. Not when they had just gone through Hell and back for each other.
"Well, I love you anyway." Elain smiled.
"I love you too." Elain was too kind for her own good. She forgave Nesta so easily. It would be harder with Feyre. Who was so angry at Nesta, who clearly wanted to make sure that Cassian was okay. Feyre was trying to protect Cassian from Nesta at all cost. Even if Nesta didn't know it.
Rhys, Cassian and Azriel sat in the sauna together. Cassian had his eyes closed but he knew that the questions were about to start flying.
"So-" Rhys started.
"Oh Gods." He sighed.
"You should stay away from Nesta." He started, making Cassian roll his eyes. "She's not good for you. She's just going to bring you down."
"She's actually been doing really good. And I like her so." Cassian shrugged. "You should be more worried about whatever Az and Elain are doing."
"I'll worry about that later." Cassian was grown. He could make these types of decisions on his own. He didn't need Rhys to tell him who he could and couldn't be with. He was with Nesta and no one was going to stop him from being happy with her. He would rather die than be without Nesta. He wasn't going to tell Rhys just how far his relationship with Nesta had gone. He promised her that he wouldn't tell anyone. She wanted to have time to themselves without everyone involving themselves. Cassian never judged any of them for who they were with so he wasn't sure why everyone was so obsessed with who he was seeing.
"Okay well you can worry about my relationship with Nesta later too." Rhys was gonna worry no matter what, but he did have the perfect way to get them apart for long periods of time.
"Fine. I have a mission for you." Rhys told him all about trying to find the Troves. Cassian had no idea how he was going to find them himself. Neither Nesta or Elain had been able to find them. I mean there had to be a way, he just wasn't sure how that was going to happen without either female there to help him.
"I can't find them without one of them." Cassian fought. How could he possibly think that that was possible?
"I will have Nesta try again today to find it. And then you will hunt it down." There was no changing Rhysands mind and Cassian knew that. He hated that Rhys didn't care about Nesta unless it came down to her helping in some kind of way. He hated that she was only ever going to be invited to something if it was to use her powers. She deserved more than that. And he couldn't even say anything or it would expose their relationship. And he would never break his promise to her.
A few hours later they were all sitting down enjoying lunch together. Rhys and Feyre sat at one end of the table with Cassian and Nesta at the other end. Everyone else was between them.
"After lunch, Elain and Nesta will try to scry to find the Dread Troves." Nesta looked over at Cassian. They both should have known that Rhys was going to push for this to happen. He so badly wanted to get his hands on the Troves. Not that anyone blames him, they all wanted the same thing, but not when it came to disrespecting Nesta and then asking her for help.
"Do we think we'll ever find it?" Elain asked.
"Maybe. If not, Cassian is gonna go looking for it anyway." Nesta decided she needed to find it. She wasn't going to let Rhys just send Cassian off into the world to try to find something that may not even want to be found. She was terrified that it would end badly. What if he never came back? What if he hated having to do this mission and hated her for it? That she couldn't find it and make his life easier. Gods they were in trouble either way.
After lunch everyone moved to the library. Elain tried first while everyone stayed silent. Nesta did her best to calm her thoughts while Elain stood there, rocks and bones in her hands.
"Nothing." Elain sighed. Nesta stood, Cassian stood right after. Nesta grabbed the stones and the bones. She was going to find this damn thing if it killed her.
Well, it didn't kill her but Cassian was gone for two days trying to find it. She was stuck up at the house of wind. She hadn't heard from anyone in two days. The only other beings she had seen were Gwyn and Clotho. Well those were the only two she had any interest in talking to. She was worried. Should he have been back by now? Or maybe he did find it and now that they found it there was no need for Cassian to be with her.
As she was getting ready for bed, the front door opened and hit the wall. She panicked. That had only happened once before and Rhysand came flying into the house to drop her in the mountain. She quickly ran to her room and shut the door. She looked around trying to find a place to hide. No way was she going back to that mountain. She quickly ran into the bathroom and shut and locked the door. She climbed into the tub and covered her mouth trying to stay as quiet as possible.
"Nes?" Cassian called from the other side of her door.
"Cass?" She called.
"Yeah. Can I come in?" He asked. She scrambled out of the tub and opened both doors. She flung herself into his arms as soon as she saw him. He chuckled as he held her. "Missed you too."
"Did you find it?" She asked.
"No. Azriel got injured."
"Is he okay?"
"His wings were damaged. He's with Madja now." Nesta knew that something bad would happen.
"I'm sorry." She frowned at him. He just held her tighter.
"I have to go back."
"No. It's too dangerous." She was never letting him go back there. They didn't need the Trove that bad. He didn't need to risk his life for it.
"Yes. Rhys won't let me rest until I find it. I know it's there. But I need you to go with me to find it. I can't get it on my own."
"What? And put both of us in danger? He really doesn't give two shits about either of us."
"Of course he cares about us." He commented. He knew she would put up a fight. I mean who would want to go to the Bog and put their lives at risk? Rhys did not care if Nesta was killed by something.
"He obviously doesn't if he's sending us to get the mask and not going his damn self."
"I'm not fighting about it." Cassian commented. "We leave tomorrow." Cassian set her down and walked off to his room. Nesta would never get used to being bossed around by everyone. But she would do this for Cassian, just to get Rhys off his ass.