Chapter 18
It had only been a week but Nesta was itching to get some snuggles in with her nephew. After lunch, she headed over to the River House. She could hear Nyx crying the second she stepped into the large house. She didn't want to ring the doorbell or knock in the chance that he was sleeping.
Nesta followed his cries, finding Feyre rocking the child and trying to attach him to her breast to feed him. He was flailing, crying, which in turn was making Feyre cry. Nesta stepped into the room, her old room, that was changed into a nursery.
"Nesta!" Feyre cried, standing. She looked terrible. She had dark bags under her eyes. Her hair wasn't brushed. "I need help." Feyre said. Nesta reached out for Nyx, rocking and shushing him. She went to change his diaper while Feyre tried to get herself together. Nesta then wrapped him tightly in a blanket. It helped but he was still crying.
"Are you only breast feeding? Do you have any bottles?" Nesta asked. Feyre still had tears streaming down her face.
"I'll go get one." She sniffled, leaving the room. Nesta sat in the rocking chair, offering Nyx a pacifier that was sitting in his crib. He shook his head back and forth, refusing it.
"I know." Nesta held him closer to her chest. "I know. It's okay." She patted his butt as she rocked. Poor guy was having a rough day. But clearly Feyre was having an even rougher day. She looked defeated as she handed Nesta the bottle. Nesta was able to get the bottle into Nyx's mouth enough for him to start sucking, calming his cries. "Where's Rhys?"
"Dealing with the training camps or something. I don't know."
"He left you here alone with a newborn?" Nesta asked. Even for Rhys that was low. Cassian was usually the one who dealt with that. So that means that he wasn't here. And probably hadn't been in a while.
"I told him we would be fine." She answered.
"Why don't you go lay down?" Nesta asked. "I'll watch him." Nesta smiled at her sister. Nesta could use some baby cuddles right now.
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure." Nesta answered.
"Thank you. You're amazing." Feyre nearly ran out of the room so she could go get some rest. Nesta looked down at Nyx, his eyes were closed, his hands resting under his chin, drinking his bottle. She smiled at him. She couldn't imagine how something so precious could possibly belong to Rhysand. But still, he was so innocent.
Nesta rocked him as he finished the bottle. He was asleep by the time he was done. She set the bottle to the side, still rocking. She would hold him for hours if it meant that Feyre could rest.
She moved him to rest against her chest. She rubbed his back, feeling small lumps.
"Huh." She whispered, running her hand over them. Wings. He would have wings.
Eventually Nesta was hungry, so she stood and carried him down the stairs. He was finally sleeping peacefully, she wasn't going to even attempt to get him to lay down in his crib. Feyre had most likely only been asleep for an hour. One of the workers in the kitchen made her something to eat while she sat down with Nyx.
Just as the food was placed in front of her, the front door opened. Rhys, Azriel, and Cassian stood in the doorway, watching her. All of them had caught her scent the second they entered the house.
"What are you doing?" Rhys asked.
"Nothing." She answered. Cassian moved along, not even saying hello.
"Where's Feyre?"
"Sleeping." Nesta adjusted Nyx to lay him in one arm so she could eat. Rhys headed up the stairs while Azriel sat with Nesta.
"You look good." Azriel commented. She looked over at him. She wasn't too sure what he meant by that. Wasn't sure if she should take offense to it.
"Thanks." She answered. "Cassian back to hating me?"
"No." Azriel answered. "He's traumatized." That confused her.
"By what?"
"You." The words sunk in. She had treated him so badly that he was traumatized by her. He couldn't have a conversation with her because he was afraid she would hurt him again. She guessed she could understand that. Even though it made her already broken heart shatter into a few more pieces. It wasn't like she needed it to keep living.
"Oh." She answered, looking down at Nyx. His breathing even. He didn't even know all of the horrors of the world. "I can go." She started to stand.
"No." Azriel said. "Enjoy your meal." He answered. "Want me to take him?" He asked, nodding to the baby clinging to her shirt.
"Only if you want him." Azriel reached out, taking Nyx from her arm and laying him in his own. She ate quietly next to him. She wasn't even sure what to say to him. She was sure that Cassian would be mad that he was staying here with her. She never ever thought that she would have traumatized Cassian so bad that he would never want to see her again. It crushed her. She thought that she had been healing. Thought that she was doing okay. She ate three meals a day, she took walks, she went shopping. She never drank anymore. She wasn't sure what else she could do. "Is he ever going to talk to me again?" She asked Azriel.
"I haven't asked." He answered. She wasn't sure if they talked about it at all.
"You could just ask me yourself." Cassian said from the doorway. "Instead of trying to get the information out of my brother."
"You haven't come home." Nesta answered.
"I've been here." He crossed his arms.
"I was here last week and you were not."
"Whatever."
"So what, you're just gonna ignore me forever? Act like you didn't kiss me right before I almost died?" Azriel was looking between them. He obviously didn't know about that. "I'm so sorry that the Lord of Bloodshed couldn't handle some words thrown at him." She said, standing.
"Wait, what?" Cassian was confused.
"Azriel said I traumatized you."
"Uh yeah. Watching your mate bleed out twice is traumatizing to some people." Her eyes widened. She had misunderstood what Azriel was saying.
"What?"
"Nesta, I looked at you, in your eyes, and all I saw was death. Pure death." She had no idea what he was talking about. "Whatever the fuck is inside of you, I want no part of." His words were laced in venom. They smacked her in the face and rested inside her chest. She nodded, looking at Azriel, holding her nephew, then to Cassian.
"Okay." She whispered. "I'll leave you alone." Just like she had been for the last few weeks. She rushed to the door. The walls were closing in on her. She felt like her heart was going to beat right out of her chest. She stopped with her hand on the door. She could feel his eyes on her. She didn't dare turn around as she took off out the door.
If it were up to Nesta, she would be over at the River House every day cuddling with Nyx. But she didn't want to overstay her welcome and she knew that even though Feyre loved having her there, no one else did.
Cassian kept his distance. Two days a week Nesta would go over to help her sister with the baby. One night of those two days they would all sit down for dinner together. Everyone, Amren included. Nesta kept to herself. Eating when she was supposed to. Cuddling Nyx when he was handed to her.
Even though she was surrounded by so many people, she was so alone. That feeling had settled throughout her whole body. She missed being with Tamlin. At least he talked to her and never made her feel like shit for the things that happened when she was still human.
At the Night Court everyone judged her for what happened. For things that she couldn't control. For letting Feyre go into the woods to hunt for them.
It played in her head over and over and over. Every word that Cassian spoke to her, tearing her heart from the inside, every single day.
"Wanna talk?" Feyre came into the nursery where she was rocking Nyx.
"Sure. Is everything okay?"
"With me, yes." Feyre started. "But something is going on with you." She sat on the bed that had been replaced and was there for the nights that Nyx wouldn't settle. Nesta kept her mouth shut. "What did he say to you?" Nesta knew who she was talking about. She would never tell a soul. The only one who knew was Azriel.
"Nothing." Feyre stayed silent waiting for her sister to spill. "He didn't say anything."
"Azriel told me." Feyre confessed. "I was waiting to see if you were going to tell me to address it."
"It doesn't matter." Nesta shook her head. "It's how he feels. I can respect that."
"Nesta, he was disrespectful."
"It's okay." She didn't want anyone to be upset with him. Things finally seemed to be calm and she wasn't going to open her mouth and cause more stress.
"It's not okay. It will never be okay."
"Things are finally calm. I don't think we should disturb that because Cassian said something mean." Nesta would bury it inside of her. She would never show that it hurt her. No matter what. All she wanted was for her sisters to be happy. If that meant that she never showed emotion again or let them know that she was hurting then she would lie through her teeth. "I'll be fine."
"But we don't think you're fine."
"Who's we?" She asked.
"Me. Elain. Rhys."
"Do you talk about me often?"
"Not in a bad way." She highly doubted that.
"I'm fine." She repeated.
"Okay." They made eye contact before Nesta looked away. "You can spend the night if you want."
"No. It's okay." She stood and carefully laid Nyx in his crib. "Have a good night." Nesta commented, leaving her sister alone with her baby.
She took the walk home slowly. Letting the cool air whip her in the face. She stood on the bridge, right next to her apartment and looked up at the stars. How could something so beautiful be out there while she felt the farthest thing from beautiful.
It didn't matter that no one respected her because she had no self-respect at all. She was so cruel, her words hurting people. So she decided to just not talk. In turn, no one talked to her. She sometimes went full days without talking. But the voice in her head made her believe that she was awful.
"It won't always hurt so bad." Amren said from behind her. Nesta didn't respond. "I see you, Nesta." She wasn't too sure why Amren cared. "You're more than what he said."
"I never understood it. The powers inside of me." Nesta answered.
"The powers aren't what make you mean." That didn't help. No one's words could hurt her more than what Cassian said.
"Is there a way for me to leave Velaris?" Nesta asked. She couldn't stand being here anymore.
"No." She wasn't sure if that was a lie. "Maybe you should keep your distance for a little." Amren said. It was everything Feyre didn't say back at the house.
"Did Feyre send you here to tell me that?" She asked.
"No." That was a lie.
"I'll stay away if that's what everyone wants."
"I think that would be best." No matter how many times they told her that, just in different words, it would hurt.
"Okay." She pushed away from where she was leaning against the railing. "Have a good night." Nesta headed into the apartment. She leaned her forehead against the door as soon as she was locked inside. She rubbed her chest. She swore she would never recover.
The front door burst open as Nesta was sitting on the couch reading. She quickly jumped up as both of her sister's entered the room.
"What are you doing?" Nesta asked.
"We haven't seen you in a month." Feyre responded. "We came to make sure you were still alive."
"Sadly."
"Don't say that." It took them a month to check on her. It had been a month since Amren told her to keep her distance.
"I'm fine." She hasn't left much. She only went to town to get food. She never ventured beyond that. She didn't want to see any of them.
"Where have you been?" Feyre asked.
"Here." Feyre looked around. Everything was in its place. Books lined all of the shelves. "Amren told me to stay away so I am." She answered. Being alone was easier. She didn't have to please anyone. Didn't have to keep anyone happy. Didn't have to keep a conversation going. She was able to just be. Without having to worry.
"Why would she say that?"
"Cause you all talked about it." Elain and Feyre looked at each other. "It's okay. Really. I've been fine on my own." She placed a bookmark in her book and set it down. "I don't fit in with everyones happiness. That's okay."
Nesta knew what it felt like to be left out of things. Her human friends left her out after her mother died. And then they lost all of their money and she really got left behind. It was nothing different. It just hurt more that it was her sisters who didn't want her around.
"They don't want me around. And I'm not going to make you pick between me and them. I made the decision for you." Nesta was hoping that they would just forget about her. That they could continue living their lives without worrying about her.
"There was never a choice-"
"Yes there was." She interrupted. "It was always going to be them. I just made it easier for you so you don't have to feel bad."
"That's not true." Feyre shook her head.
"It's okay. If me being gone is what it's going to take to make sure everyone is happy then I will. You don't need to worry about it." Nesta was never going to change her mind. "I don't have a place in your life. Maybe someday I will but for right now I think we should go our separate ways."
"No." Feyre said, shaking her head.
"It's the only way for everyone to be happy. I won't put any more stress on you." Nesta was a burden. She knew that. She knew that at the top of everyone's stress list, it was her. "I know you love them. So give them what they want. They deserve to be happy."
"And what about you?"
"I'm perfectly content being here. You're welcome whenever you want but I will stay away so they can live in peace." Nesta would be easy to forget. She was hoping they would all just move on.
Feyre knew that there was no fighting her on this.
"I'll continue to pay for what you need. But please come find me if you need anything."
"I will." She promised.
She watched her sisters leave. She didn't know if she would see them again. But this was the start of healing herself. This was the beginning of learning how to love herself. "Welcome home." She whispered to herself.