Chapter 18

Clarke didn't know what to say to her. She just looked into her eyes and waited for Palla to say more. When she didn't, Clarke wanted to speak, but she couldn't find the words. How could she comfort someone that sought the death of so many for revenge? She'd never been given that luxury and she didn't know how to give it. She couldn't forgive her, but she could understand. She could completely understand where Palla came from and her need to redeem herself. Maybe that is why she was trying so hard to help Madi be a good leader; they both were. They didn't want her to see the horrors that they had seen, done, and make the choices that they had.

"It's getting late, we should go," Palla said suddenly and stood.

Clarke didn't know how she moved so quickly like the pain wasn't a thing. She couldn't do it. She carried it like a pack mule. She carried it like it was part of her until the pain, the memories, the nightmares, the ghosts, the faces, and the suffering from it all became like a tattoo on her skin. Clarke bore it all and just like Lexa had said back on Earth, she bore it so the others didn't have to bear it. But, Palla, she carried it like a weight that she could just set down and walk away from it. Clarke couldn't do that. She needed the weight. It had become comfortable, necessary, and a sort of penance for her deeds.

Palla was suddenly on her caballo. She waited for Clarke and then they rode back. During the ride, Clarke realized that she needed to talk to Octavia. She needed to give her the forgiveness that she so desperately wanted. She could only do so much. Bellamy would have to do the rest. They owed her for keeping as many people alive as she had. It hadn't been ideal, but they'd left her to do it on her own. If she could forgive her mother for everything she'd done, she could give Octavia more.

As they rode back in, she saw Octavia with Madi. They were in the pins sparring. She dismounted and Palla took the caballos away to be dealt with. She knew that she didn't know what to do with them, and she was thankful that Palla was handling it. She looked back to Octavia and Madi. She was happy that they had each other. Madi brought back out the innocence that Octavia once had. She was making Octavia, O, again. Looking at Madi, she realized that Octavia just wanted human interaction. She wanted to believe that she could be redeemed, that she could be forgiven, but ultimately, that she could be loved.

When Clarke met her green eyes, she could see the longing there. But, there was more behind it. Octavia and Clarke had talked many nights on the ship until the morning came about the things they had done to keep their people alive. Clarke admitted to her that she'd wanted to die before she found Madi. Madi had been her saving grace and the thing that gave her a reason to live. Octavia never got that. She had been stuck in the ground with no way to get out without help. She'd kept over eight hundred alive, even if she went tyrannical. She should be proud, but she realized in the fight for Eden that she wasn't doing things the way she should. And, when she finally broke, she handed the people over to the new Heda, Madi. Clarke was pissed about that, but she couldn't stop it from happening. And, ever since that time, Madi had been pushing for Bellamy, Clarke and Octavia to forgive each other. What did Madi see that she didn't?

It was in that thought that Clarke saw something that she hadn't before. Watching Octavia with Madi gave her a feeling of peace and family, something that she dared not to hope for again. She watched the woman with her daughter and felt a longing there that she couldn't explain. Was it the fire that was returning to Octavia's brilliant eyes? Was the easy way that Madi and O spoke in Trigedaslenge with each other? She couldn't name it, but she wondered if she needed more human contact. Octavia knew her, knew her past, knew her faults, her victories and her losses. Octavia knew her and still stood by her. She shook her head and headed for the barracks.

She wasn't hungry. She was tired. She waved everyone off as she went into the rooms.

Later when Palla came up, she brought a plate. She sat in front of Clarke, who was just sitting on the sofa staring at the wall. Palla watched her for a minute and then sat down beside her.

"Madi is staying with Echo and Bellamy tonight. Indra has moved into the front room and Echo stated that guards would be moving in with her and the other front rooms. That way they are always close. Will you stay here?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because you've asked me to stay here," Clarke told her.

Palla shook her head.

"Take your bed tonight, Palla. You need rest. We'll manage to guard the place, I promise."

"You will take a shift?"

"I am no better than my people. I cannot expect them to do something that I am unwilling to do myself. I lead from the front. I would be afforded the choice not to, but I do. I took the late night shifts on the ships with Octavia. I did that so my people would stay safe. If I cannot do something to protect them, why would I ask them to?"

"Spoken like a true leader," Palla replied. "Goodnight, Clarke. Octavia should be up soon. Talk with her, again."

Clarke nodded and watched the other woman head down the hallway and to bed. She heard the door shut and figured that she would just sleep in Madi's bed for the night. She was going to stay up and try to take with Octavia, but she would have to wait until her guard shift was over. She knew that it would be soon, so she did what she always did. She grabbed a blanket from the sofa and made the rash decision to head outside to sit with Octavia.

"You should be a sleep," O told her as she sat down beside her.

"You should be soon, too. Who has the next shift? Echo?"

"Indra," Octavia replied.

Clarke just nodded. They had all been taking turns to the point that Clarke demanded that she have a shift when Raven got one as well. Madi wasn't allowed unless she had someone with her. It was usually Octavia or Echo and she got an abbreviated shift.

"Madi's with Echo and Bell tonight."

"I know."

"Palla sleeping?"

"Yes, I think. She went to bed a while ago. Have you been sleeping?"

"No less than usual," Octavia stated.

"Nighmares?"

"The same."

"I need to tell you something," Clarke started and looked up to see Indra coming out of her rooms.

"So tell me," Octavia told her as she watched her former mentor head for them.

"Inside?" Clarke inquired as she stood up and walked back into their rooms.

O just nodded. Whatever it was she could tell that Clarke wasn't ready to share with everyone. She passed along the notes of the watch and followed Clarke inside. Instead of finding her on the sofa or even in the common room, she looked into her room and saw Clarke sitting on the bed.

"Did you have a nice ride?"

"I did."

"Why are you here, Clarke?"

"I wanted to tell you something. While I was riding with Palla today, I realized something. It hit me harder than I thought it would, but then I hadn't been thinking about. I've spent all evening trying to figure it out. Seeing you with Madi today...it proved something to me. It made me see that I am also to blame. I can't let you carry the guilt anymore, Octavia. I just can't. The pain and pressure of trying to let you do that is weighing me down. We both need forgiveness."

"Clarke, what are you talking about?"

"The bunker," Clarke answered and heard Octavia's quick intake of breath.

"It's my fault that you were put in that position."

"How?"

"I took the blood. I didn't find a way to save us. I forced the conclave. I left you. You were my friend and I left alone to fend off everyone and everything. I didn't support you when I should have. I was too hellbent on trying to get to Raven that I didn't see what I had done until it was too late. I sentenced myself to die, but I left you alone. Even when we were at odds, with Trikru, with each other, with the coalition, I never abandoned you or our people. But, I did then. I left you to figure things out because I thought that you could handle it on your own. I knew that you would have Kane and Mom. I knew that Indra would support you. I thought that it would be enough, but it wasn't. We needed each other. We always have and we always will. There are only four of left. Four out of the first surviving hundred, four, Octavia and I left you with no choice but to keep the peace between the clans the only way you could...with fighting, blood shed, and totalitarian rule. You had a choice to let them all die, to let them starve, or to let them kill each other, but you fought for all of their survival."

Octavia just looked at her.

"We were both grieving. We were both fighting for what we believed in. We were both trying to survive. I fight with words. You fight with your sword. Together, we could have..."

"Save more?" Octavia asked as she looked down at blonde.

Both of their eyes were filled with tears. Clarke didn't know how to tell her without coming out and just saying it. Octavia deserved it.

"I forgive you."

"What?" she questioned breathlessly.

"I forgive you for whatever sins you think you did in that bunker. I forgive you for trying to wage war on the valley," Clarke told her as she stood up, getting closer to her, and reaching out for Octavia's hand. "I forgive you, Octavia. I never told you that, but I forgive you."

"I forgave you for Ton DC."

"I know."

"I realized it in the bunker. You knew that sacrifices had to be made and sometimes they would be brutal. I didn't get it then. I do now."

"It doesn't stop the nightmares or the suffering that I carry because I what I've done."

"Oh, I know," Octavia replied. "But, I forgive you, too, Clarke. I forgive you for leaving. I forgive you for hiding the truth about Madi from me. I get it. I was a little bit out of my head. But, you still saw me. You stood up to me like you stood up to Lexa. But, then you betrayed us in the fight for Eden."

"I had to protect..."

"I know. I forgave you for that. Madi should come first. And, now as Heda..."

"We are both looking for redemption, Octavia."

"Do you think that we will ever find it?"

"I don't know. I hope we do. I hope that this time, we do better."

"For Monty?" Octavia asked her.

"For everyone."

"Stay."

"What?"

"Stay with me tonight. I don't want to be alone and ... "

"And?"

"I think nightmares will come. I can see all their faces, Clarke. Every single man and woman that I slayed ... I can see the pits as they fought," Octavia started to tell her.

"You need sleep, Octavia. You can't keep pushing yourself. If it'll help you sleep, I'll stay."

"Pushing myself? Like you have room to talk? How do you do it? How do you keep the nightmares at bay?"

"I had help," Clarke told her.

"From?"

"Madi..."