The Book of the Light

by Oddonomics

"Blessed is the Light and all those that read its sacred words. Through the teachings of Seamus and Gareth, along with those that came after, you can free yourself from the slavery of false gods, and become a living divine yourself (results may vary)." A fake religious book I wrote a few years ago. Please don't take it seriously.

1. The Book of Seamus

Introduction

These are the holy scripture of a group of fanatics called the Follows of the Light. Derogatively, they are known as Seamusists and their so-called false religion is Seamusism. It's difficult to tell how many books make up their made-up Bible, but it is believed the first book to be written is the Book of Seamus, a "book" detailing the life and death of their founder Seamus of Earth.

Not much is known about Seamus. But from the writings that remain of his, he seemed to have been a militant atheist. Why he chooses to start a new religion has puzzled many people. It should be noted Seamus was never born in 1975, as the text claims, but instead in 1992. Some argue that he never existed at all. Furthermore, it is commonly accepted the man behind Seamus was never killed at all.

Why Seamus's religion never took off is obvious. Throughout the Book of Seamus, he preached about people 'becoming their own gods', whatever that means. Those who knew the boy claimed he would spend most of his time on the internet arguing with people about religion. He seemed to have only gained a single follower, although this 'follower' informed me he only did so for the laughs.

Whatever can be cyphered, the Book of Seamus is a work of someone incredibly mentally ill. People have tried to work out what exactly the text is trying to say. But all have gone away confused. Rants about a 'false god' called Jehovah fill the text. It's clear everything is written by one individual, although some people argue the Book of Connor and the Book of Sam are by a different author.

Interestingly, the Book of Seamus contains the first mention of Gareth Vandersleld. Although the mystery figure cannot be truly identified, according to legends he dated the famous goffik author Tara Gilesbie (make what you think of that). The only writings that survive by Gareth are suicidal emo poems.

I have posted these books so that they can be preserved. Hopefully, someone smarter than I can work out what he is saying (and furthermore, work out if this could even be considered Bible fanfiction). Enjoy.

Yours faithfully

Oddonomics

The Book of Seamus

I

Here be the blessing of the Light. Those who utter its holy words, and confessed to being followers, will come one with the Light. The Light has been known for years, yet we knew not. Through prophets, the Light spoke.

On the thirteen day of the six months of the twentieth century of the seventh decade of the fifth year, Seamus was born in New York. His parents were of Puerto Rican descent, with his father coming from the Island, and his mother being born in New York. In the fifth year of his life, his parents died, and he had to defend for himself. His parents were ambushed by a thug, and the police refused to investigate the crime. Although brought up in the city's foster system, no one took care for him for he was an orphan

For ten years, he battled it out on the street. He had made friends on the street, although he could not trust all of them. Many betrayed him, while others disappeared without a trace. Rumors spread of a Darkness that would steal children. He got to the point that he wanted to die, but the Light appeared.

It said, "Do not give up Seamus, for that, I have chosen you to be the great prophet. You are to teach the world the truth. The world is corrupt, and those in power serve the Darkness. There are no good politicians, for all lie and deceive.

"I will give you powers over Earth, for that you are a friend of the grass and the living. Convert those who are slaves of the false god Jehovah, but also show them that they can be their own, gods within my rules. Now go, Seamus the Wise."

Behold on the street was an old man dying. Although he had sired many children, and many grandchildren, all of them had died from the plague. Feeling great compassion, Seamus touched him and from that hour he was living. The old man walked as if he was young again. He walked the earth telling people of him.

Behold there was a man named Gareth Vandersleld who lived in the darkness. He took strange drinks that turned him into Darkness. He had a wicked girlfriend who whispered dark thoughts in his head. Her name was of the Shadow and of the Raven, a wicked creature created by the Darkness to serve itself.

Seamus walked up to him and touched him. From that day forth, the man stopped drinking strange drinks and put away his girlfriend.

He said, "Rise, for the light needs you. Behold our new prophet, Gareth the Fire Master."

Therefore, Gareth went off converting people to the Light. He travelled to the far west of the nation, where he founded new places of worship and brought new insight into the Light through his letters. To this day, he is greatly admired.

Seamus went into the main square. A crowd had gathered, hearing about the miracles Seamus had done. They were eager to see what he could do, and the wisdom he was so famous for.

And spoke to the people with, "Your light blinds you but mine does not. Your god has lied to you and only wants your money, For I can make things better. Believe in the Light and I will make prophets out of all of you."

After he spoke those words, many people converted, gaining the power of Earth.

II

Passing through the street, Seamus saw two street children pickpocketing from strangers. He recognised them and knew the Light had proposed for them. Although the Darkness had got them now, by knowing the Light he knew they could be saved and serve the Light.

He said to them, "Why pickpocket strangers when you can pick friends and be enlightened through the company. The Light has picked you to embrace the Light. From this day forth, you will be known as Light-bringers."

The two young men stopped what they were doing and began to follow Seamus. Their names were Max and Harold.

Behold there was a tree that was dying, and its leaves were scattered across the ground. For once the tree gave great comfort to the community. Children would sleep under the tree's shade. Seamus used his power of earth to heal the tree. From that hour it had turned bright as green.

He said, "The Light loves the trees, for the trees bring life. And life brings the Light. The three are one and the same. Embrace the Light like you embrace this tree."

There were a group of men who wanted the tree cut down, for they wanted its land for a building. They wanted to build a church for their false god Jehovah. They got together to discuss the problem surrounding Seamus. They decided to kill Seamus. When Seamus heard of these things, he left the city.

Behold on the street people were listening to a false prophet, who was preaching about false gods, and converting people into slavery. The false prophet was secretly collecting money from his followers and placing it into his own bank account. He refused to share this money with the poor.

So, Seamus stood up and said, "Why do you convert people to a lie, oh wicked one? Why give up your life to a lie? Believe in the light, and no lies will be told.

"For there was once a man who wanted to know who his father was. There was also another man who wanted the money because the other man was dying. The man's dying wish was to give his money to his father, for his father gave birth to him. So, the other man lied to the sick saying, 'I am the one who gave birth to you'. So, the sick gave the man all his money.

"Behold this is what happening to all of you, giving your life to a lie. For your shake, do not do it. For the Light has given us the power to control our own life".

Once Seamus had finished speaking, the crowd all believed. Once everyone had been converted, using the blessing of the light he gave his followers all different powers. He chose seven of those who listen to help him out. Their names were: Max of water, Sally of Earth, Zeke of Earth, Samson of Fire, Harold of Air, Rebecca of water and Luke of Fire – the one who betrays us.

III

Once he had chosen his disciples, he took them aside saying, "I will teach you the way of the Light, known by few as the Isurak.

"To master Earth, you must become one with nature, and let the trees be your guide. Treat all life as if it is yourself. For there once was a man who treated the trees without value. He cut them down without regard or thought. Another man treated the trees like they were his friend. When the man who did not value the trees died his life became no more. When the man who valued the trees died his life began again. For the Light does not allow those who do not value others to live beyond death, for they would kill others. Those who treat others the way they want themselves will gain the highest reward. Life for them will go on and on, forever and ever, within Light's embrace.

"For those who have the power of Fire they must use their power sparingly. For when their friends are in danger, that is when to use the might of your power. But never to kill. No, not ever. For killing is stealing someone else's right to live. Those that kill are controlling other people's fate.

"To those who are of air, you will be able to travel with ease. Use your ability to help others. With this power, you can create storms or stop them. It is powerful and must not be used for evil. The strongest wind can uproot even the deepest most entrenched Darkness.

"For the ones who control powers of water, you will become friends of the sea. With your powers, you can give life to those where life itself cannot go normally. Do not use it for evil for this power will kill with ease. Those strong enough could create waves to destroy all those in its way. "But do not do such a thing, for it is taking away life.

"I warn you all of dark ones who live among you. They control the powers of darkness and will use this power to destroy those in their way. For the fate of this world is at hand. There are dark spirits, giving many people dark powers. Curse the dark ones for they will pursue us, right to the ends of the world. They want our world to end. Their false god is called Jehovah.

"So, the Light came me, teaching the wisdom all men once knew but sadly have forgotten. For I will teach people of the Light. Others will do the same, independently from myself. But I am the first to do so. Some will come with new powers, and others with mine. One day you will all be teachers like myself."

From that day onwards, they all began to practise their newfound powers, while following Seamus on his missionary of converting the East Coast.

IV

Behold there was a man of dark powers. He had these powers as a child, but his parents were devoted to a false god and refused to heal him. When Seamus came, it began to scream, crying, "Bringer of the Light, have mercy on us. We are but nothing compared to your Light."

Seamus used his powers to take away the dark powers of the man. The man could see again and knew his parents had betrayed him for the Darkness. From that day forth, the man preached about how the Light saved him.

He then came to the city of Hartford. Max had relatives in the city, and they were willing to host Seamus and his followers. The next day he went to the crowded place to announce the Light's coming.

He began to teach them saying, "I am of the Light, which shows the way. You can all become part of the Light by following our teachings. For the light show the way clearly"

They were all amazed and converted. Ten thousand people were in the crowd, and all were embraced in the comfort of the Light.

Behold there were some evil men who hated Seamus. Therefore, they plotted to kill him, while he was on the streets of Hartford. Harold of Air heard rumors of an attack, so he warned him to leave. So, he left and began to go to Albany.

While travelling there he saw a man that had been blind all his life. Spitting in his hands and placing it on the man's face, he cured him so he could see. His name was Dames, which then gain the powers of Air. He told him to tell the leaders of the city the great things he had witnessed.

Behold there was a man who was dying of cancer. The doctors insisted the man could not be saved. Seamus put his hands on him, and he was cured. The man was able to see his daughter again.

So, he came to Albany where he stayed several days. Many people came to welcome him. He then began to teach them.

He said, "Do not be afraid of the Light, for it wants you to be friends with it. For I, like many, are witnesses of what the Light can do. So, I ask you now, follow the Light to be saved."

A few believed and followed him, but many of them kicked him out of the city for speaking lies. Therefore, he went to Boston, to teach all that came.

Once he came, he opened his mouth and said, "I do not come to hurt you but to free you from slavery. Behold I will heal right now."

Behold there was a man who had lost the ability to walk. He begged Seamus to heal him. He touched him and made him well. Everyone was amazed and converted. So, they asked him to stay for a few days.

V

He then went to the town square. He saw that people were praying to a false god Jehovah.

He told them, "Why worship false god when you know that the Light is true. For the light is the only way to happiness. For false gods only give you lies and false hope. But the Light is the truth, and only gives the truth. It asks you to convert, but not by force."

They were so amazed that they all converted.

Behold there was a fireplace which had not been lit for many years. There were many homeless people wandering around, looking for warmth. Seamus asked Samson to light the fire with his powers.

But Samson answered, "I am not powerful to do such a thing. I am not worthy."

But Seamus was sad of what he said.

So, he replied, "Within the eyes of the Light, we are all worthy to gain powers he has. For everyone, even me is at the same level. For we all have something to learn."

Samson was comforted and used his powers to light the fire.

Seamus then said, "The Light calls for me in Portsmouth (which was a seaside town to the north). It is begging for the Light's embrace."

Therefore, he began to travel to Portsmouth. And on the road was a man of dark powers. He had been abused by his parents and knew no love.

He was saying, "He is the Light's slave, Seamus."

For Seamus was sad and took pity on the man.

He said with all his heart, "I am not a slave but a free man. And for everyone to hear, the only ones who are slaves are the ones who give their lives to the false god Jehovah. Curse those who do."

So, he took the dark powers from him and sent him on his way. The man continued to tell those of the Light.

And when he got to Portsmouth, he found that there was a house on fire. He told Max and Rebecca to use their powers over water to stop the fire. Once the fire was out, he got Zeke and Sally to help him cure those who were hurt by the fire, and to bring life back to the land.

Seamus then preached, "Only when we work together does the Light work accomplish. While many will misunderstand what we are saying and doing, future generations will say we did the right thing."

Once he was done there, he left, for he said that there was work to be done back in Boston.

VI

Behold, as he came back to Boston there was a crowd waiting to be taught by him. Therefore, he got his followers to sit them down. So spoke to them.

He said, "Bless all, for they all are worthy for the Light. For the Light needs no price, but the price of wellbeing. For the Light would rather see you happy, than staving for the false god Jehovah. Behold the Light see all as high as itself."

And they were amazed. But most were homeless and cold. They were also hungry for they had no food.

Therefore, Seamus gather money by asking people who were walking down the road and brought bread for everyone. As a witness, he used no power, but the power of his heart.

In those days, there was a man with dark spirits named Seth. For he bowed down to a dark spirit who claimed to be a god. And Seth wanted Seamus dead, for the dark spirit demanded there be a sacrifice. When he heard that Seth's army was going to attack him and kill him while he left to New York he was saddened.

He was forced to go back to Albany. Once he arrived, the light told him to go to the mountain of Stratton. For he had to climb the mountain, to show his followers that he was of the Light. So, with his followers Samson and Max, he climbed the mountain. Everyone else was fearful and thought he would die there.

So, when reach the top, he taught Max and Samson.

He said, "For only you came with me, for I will give leadership to you two when I pass from this mortal realm. For the time is coming very fast. For many want to kill me. I do not think I will last the rest of the journey. Let yourself be prophets now."

Max and Samson protested, saying Seamus was strong and could do anything. They were unaware of the events that were about to occur.

And they left the mountain. When they came down, all were amazed. They dropped down with fear and began worshipping the three men. Seamus rebuked them.

He said, "It is not I that is a god. But anyone who believes in the Light can become their own god."

And they didn't understand, so they asked Seamus.

He answered, "Don't fear, for only they of false gods should fear. Soon we will tumble the halls of the false gods, and enter the chamber as promised by the Light."

And they were amazed. And they left to go back to Albany to teach the Albanians.

VII

When he came to Albany, the Light warned him not to enter. So, he went to Hartford instead. As he exited the city, a man of Air, converted by Gareth, came up to him.

The man asked, "What happens when we die?"

Seamus answered with, "The Light has shown me the only path towards life is another life. For when you die, you do not disappear, but instead, you are reborn. But if you refuse the Light for Darkness, you will not get another life, and your existence will be no more. Those who doubt the teaching of Light, or have not heard its teaching, will live one more life. And those who are slaves will once more.

"For there was once were two runners. One gave up running when he grew old and ceased to be because he could not move. The other man learnt to walk and could still move forward."

Therefore, when they heard this, they were amazed of his teachings. They begged him to stay, but he said he had other places to go.

He then came to New York. For in those days, New Year was upon them, and spirit was high. And Seamus wanted to celebrate it there as it marked a new beginning. So, on that day, he got his followers to gather those who knew of the Light. And they gathered in the central park where they listened to Seamus.

Which he spoke, "Behold the light gives us good news, for the sun will rise again! I warn you though that there are men who still give up their lives for a lie. But the light has demanded we save them. Starting tomorrow tell all you know about the Light's embrace. For when the light has been told to everyone who have been enslaved, the world will be free.

"But I must say that Atheists do not need converting, for they have their own Light that has not enslaved them. They are free from the demands of petty ritual, but instead, embrace logic which is what the Light is also made of. Make friends with them for they share the same beliefs, to make the world better. But for all else, they must convert and know the Light."

So, on the next day, they travelled to Newark. As he entered the city, there was a hungry and abandoned child. He took the boy into the city and fed him, then giving him powers of Earth. He then sent the boy to the community of Light bringers to be looked after. For he was called Sam, who was the third leader of the movement upon the death of Max.

VIII

Behold there was a man who claimed that Seamus was evil and that it was everyone's duty to kill him. Hearing this, he left travelling to Philadelphia. When he arrived, he said to everyone that was around the good news of the Light.

He said, "I have good news, for the light has come. O Philadelphian, come and convert, for the Light comforts you".

Many who heard were converted. But some hated him and wanted him dead. Therefore, he left the city travelling to Baltimore. The Darkness made sure Seth was waiting on the road to test Seamus.

He said, "Why does not the Light stop the Darkness? Why does the light get you to do its own task?"

Seamus answered, "The Darkness is of our mistake, not the Light. For the Light is teaching us a lesson by making us sort out our own problems. The Light only gives us powers to help ourselves. The Light does not solve our problems for us. For we must solve our own problems"

Seth left angrily, after hearing what Seamus had spoken. He returned to the Darkness where he plotted his next move.

When they came to Baltimore there was a man named Scott who had been converted by Gareth. Troubled in thought, he needed an answer to a question pondering his mind.

His question was, "Who is the highest, Gareth or yourself?"

Seamus answered with, "For within the eyes of the Light, there is no highest. I am as high as you."

Behold there was a river that had dried up. Nearby factories had caused the water to disappear and killing all life. For once the river was used as lifeforce. People from around the countryside would travel to the river to drink from it. Seamus was so sad and distraught seeing this.

He said, "O Max, leadership must be learnt. Bring this river back to life so that people can drink again."

However, Rebecca tried using her power to fill the river with water. But she did not succeed and barely got a drip of water. She secretly vied for his affection and was jealous of Max.

Seamus laughed.

He said to her, "O foolish one, you are too young and inexperienced. You may try to make yourself look better but you will fail. I say unto you wait for your chance to prove your worth and the Light shall make you the brightest light of all. But be wary, for there will come a time you will lead but fall at the same time." This was alluding to Rebecca's false fall from grace and zealous betrayal of the Light's true message.

Then, Max asked Rebecca to help him. So together using both of their strength they achieved their goal. The lake became a fill of water, and life returned to the land.

Seamus then spoke to them, saying, "There will come a time where our enemies will gain a leader. Those purpose of this leader of darkness is to test and judge us. They will determine if we are strong enough to wield the power of the Light. Be not afraid, my children, for when this day arrives the Light will send a new prophet to lead us from the shadows. For a moment he will be one of them, but soon a curse will fall upon him. He will have one good eye and one evil eye. And the Darkness will attempt to stab his good eye, and write words disgrace upon his head. But when he realizes his true power, he will become our glorious leader. He will be the one who comes on behalf of the Light. With might power, he will create earthquakes to destroy the wicked, and food will be plenty. But during that time there will be another false god, one you have heard before, coming down from the sky. But be not afraid for we will defeat them in time. The shadow can only bear a certain amount before the glimmer of the sun can shine through."

His followers were bewildered and did not understand what he had meant. Some misunderstood the message, while others who secretly served the Darkness worked in the shadow to mislead others.

IX

Seamus left for Annapolis, which he had longed to go to. According to legend, there was a great sage who lived there and knew of the Light. He was eager to talk with the sage to see what they knew. Once he arrived, however, he discovered Seth was planning an ambush with the intention to kill him. Seth had grown a deep hatred for Seamus for he had continued to embarrass him. Seamus left for Washington because of this.

When he arrived, he discovered many people were bowing down to the false gods Jehovah. The city's mayor had degreed all its citizenry to worship a false idol in the shape of a cross. The president was too weak to stop the mayor. Seamus decided to reveal to them the truth, and the fatal error they were making. The light talked to him in his sleep that night, telling him if he did not do so, terrible things will happen. When he announced his intention, his followers were fearful of his plan and warned him not to follow up on them. They knew the ones who were worshipping the idol secretly wanted to kill him.

He said to his followers, "Fear not, for only the Light knows the true path. Only the Light knows our fate. Believe in the plan."

And so, he went to the idol worshippers, revealing his almighty Light. Although they were angry, the worshipers were fearful for he had the Light on his side.

Seamus said to them, revealing the Light, "Keep yourselves from idols. But the Light can save you, as he did for me. For there was once was a man who trusted the boss he worked for. But the boss went mad with power and began to whip his workers. He forced his workers to work so hard that they died. And although the boss had promised the workers a reward, death was their only reward. For this is what your false god Jehovah is doing! Curse those who say that the Light is a lie, for the false god you believe in is one of them."

When they heard this, they began throwing rocks at him. His followers managed to sneak him out of the city, climbing down a wall in the basket.

Behold on the road a tree was dying. Men with axes were ready to cut the tree down. Seamus yelled angrily, cursing the men's existence.

He said, "Wicked ones, why kill a life. What has this tree done to deserve such a punishment, if that is called a punishment for the tree has done no wrong? For when the Light makes your life no more if you continue your pursuit. I will spit and curse you."

This anger the men, forcing his followers and him to run the whole way to Richmond. When he arrived, he approached the town square to preach the coming and good news of the Light.

He said to them, "Behold, I send to you the Light. "For the Light will give you happiness. For there was a man who said he was happy to work for his boss. He said he would die for his boss. When his boss killed the one that he loved dearest, he had no choice but to still love his boss. Is this not an abusive relationship? Would you do that if you false god Jehovah did that?"

Those in the city heard his words and were so shocked at what he said that they told him to leave their city.

X

When he arrived in Norfolk there was a storm. The storm stopped all ships from coming into the harbor, causing great distress. Seamus told Harold to calm the storm. Harold did as commanded. Unbeknown to him, the servants of the Dark had created the storm to cause chaos and strive. Secretly Seth was there and whispered false rumors about Seamus. Harold had finished calming the storm, and everyone in the city was afraid.

They said, "What demon does this man command? Surely Jehovah will strike him down?"

Behold there were men who were of dark spirits telling them that Seamus was the devil. The people then tried to stone Seamus. The Light warned him in a dream, and he fled before they could stone him.

Behold there was a follow of Seth, saying, "Come to Washington and we will see what is true, my god Jehovah, or your Light."

His followers warned him not to go for they knew it was a trap. He however insisted, saying he wanted to go and prove how might the Light is.

He arrived at the city, while his followers tailed him. They were scared for they did not know the plan the Light had chosen for Seamus. Seth waited outside the city's gate.

He took out a gun and said, "The Light cannot save you from this."

With one blast of the gun, the bullet pierced Seamus through the stomach. The prophet dropped to the ground but was still alive. Seth laughed. He took out his gun again and shot Seamus in the head.

His followers were fearful for they did not expect, nor understand why this was all occurring. They refused to believe what they had witnessed. They thought Seamus had survived the gunfight.

And Max then said to them, "Lets us not give up now, for Seamus gave up his life for what he believed was true. It is our task, the one given by the Light itself, to carry on from there. For within us, we can do what Seamus wanted to do."

So, they travelled back to New York. It was decided to write down the life of Seamus so that all can know of his sacrifice. They tasked a poor fellow follower of the Light to write down all that Seamus did and spoke. And the one who writes this says his testament is true. Through the Light, all can be saved, and we thank Seamus for revealing this truth.

Therefore, they split into four groups, Water, Fire, Earth, and air, all working as one. Wherever they went, they told people of the Light, and of Seamus's sacrifice. And with the Light in their heart, and as their guide, they were filled with joy and happiness.