Chapter 19

The light was just filtering through the curtains when Clarke woke. Octavia was still beside her. She looked peaceful and she hoped that eventually Octavia would learn to forgive herself enough to realize that she did the best she had with what she had in the bunker. Clarke wasn't sure if it was enough, her forgiving her, or not. It hadn't been enough when Bellamy forgave her. It wasn't enough when Lexa apologized, but it helped her find a balance in soul. Three months on her own, an apology and an unsolicited forgiveness had finally given her the peace she sought. It also helped that Lexa was trying to make amends for the Mountain. But, Clarke got what she needed. Now, she needed to make sure that Octavia didn't get left behind and fall into a pit of despair.

She got out of the bed and looked out the window. The light filtering through wasn't that of either of the suns. It was from the moons. She just stared out the window at the world below and wondered what it would look like with a blanket of snow. She was torn from her thoughts when she heard whimpering and then broken Trigedaslenge. She turned and moved quickly back to the bed.

She might not be able to make Octavia believe in one night, but she could comfort her and help her stop the nightmares. She crawled back in the bed and moved closer to the now thrashing brunette. She reached out and touched her face, amazed at how soft Octavia's face was.

Green eyes, hard and full of fury, flew open and stared into hers. But, what Clarke didn't see was the knife at her throat. Octavia dropped her eyes down to her own hand at Clarke's pale neck. She saw the glint of the moonlight off her blade and her eyes softened for a second.

"O?" Clarke questioned, hoping that she was awake enough to realize who she was.

Octavia dropped the knife on the bed beside them. Clarke finally saw it. She picked it up and moved it to a bedside table. Her eyes never leaving Octavia's. Blue orbs trying to let her know that she wasn't alone.

Octavia shot up and gathered Clarke in her arms, apologizing over and over in Trigedaslenge in Clarke's ear. Clarke couldn't help but hold her. She didn't know if Octavia would let her, but the brunette melted into her embrace. Clarke held her and not knowing what else to say, she kept telling Octavia that she forgave and she was sorry for leaving her.

After a few minutes, Octavia finally seemed to calm down. Clarke tried to ease her back down into the bed, but Octavia resisted. Clarke looked her over with questioning eyes. Searching for a reason that Octavia might resist her movements, but she found none. Octavia held her tightly as they both just stared at each other.

"O?" Clarke tried again.

Octavia didn't say anything. She looked up into Clarke's eyes again. There was something about those baby blues that made something snap inside her. Clarke couldn't say that she was surprised until she realized that she was now on her back looking up at her.

Green eyes searched her like she was seeing Clarke for the first time. Octavia couldn't explain it. It had been so long since someone actually believed in her that she wasn't sure what to do about it. She started out as the girl beneath the floor. She was the only person on the Ark to have a sibling. She was second born and survived. She found her way with Trikru. She fell in love with Lincoln. She become Trikru. She survived. She became more on the ground than she could have ever been on the Ark. She became a warrior for not only herself but her people. She eventually became Skairipa. She fought for Skaikru and won the conclave for the bunker. Once they were in the bunker, she fought to keep order. She went from being Skairipa into Blodreine. It has always been a fight for survival for her. But, in that moment, seeing Clarke, the Skai Prisa, her Sky Princess, she realized that they had all been fighting for survival.

"Life has never been fair for us," Octavia told her.

Clarke just shook her head in agreement. She didn't know what Octavia was thinking. She was just trying to keep her sane. She was just trying to be the friend that she hadn't been, be the friend that Clarke wished she'd had those three months alone, be the one person who knew Octavia the most, who'd been there from the beginning, who still had faith in her, and she was determined to be that for her. She wasn't going to let Octavia drift away in the abyss.

"Earth took everything from us."

"Sha," Clarke replied.

"But, yet, we remain. We rose from the ashes and we survived. Out of one hundred and two kids, dropped to save our people, four remain. We are all that is left. We are the only ones that know what we've loved and lost," Octavia told her.

"Sha," Clarke answered.

Octavia leaned down and looked closer into her eyes. She could see the pain. She could see the suffering. It was the same in her own eyes. She knew it well. She'd lived it. She earned it. She felt it into the marrow of her bones. But, somehow being near Clarke made it less. Clarke made everything more...made it easier to deal with...made it better...made it less. And, then Octavia closed her eyes, fitting back the tears that threatened to fall.

Clarke reached up and cupped her cheek. And, in all get pain and suffering, Octavia leaned into the intimate gesture. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew that Clarke was just trying to comfort her, but her resolve and her need snapped. Her eyes flew open and app Clarke could was gap at the fire she saw blazing in them.

Before Clarke had time to ask, Octavia descended on her lips. The kiss was far from loving. It was brutal and passionate. And, for the life of her, Clarke didn't want to stop it. Instead, she kissed Octavia back just as hard and demanding.

"Six years..." Clarke started when she broke to take a breath.

"Sha," Octavia replied, dipping back down for more.

She wasn't sure what she was exactly feeling and at the moment she didn't care. It was more of a need that she was trying to fulfill, a craving that had long since been dormant for lack of potential. There was a familiarity between them, a common cause, a need, and the desire for the basest of human touch that they just couldn't deny in their highly emotional states.

Octavia moved further until her hips were pinning Clarke to the bed. She might have been slight, but she was strong and full of muscle. She used her head to move Clarke's until she could attack Clarke's neck. She bit her, nibbling, harder than Clarke would like, there.

"No marks," Clarke demanded as she tried to use her own head to make Octavia follow her wishes.

It didn't help. She just bit her harder, in the sinew between shoulder and neck, knowing that Clarke would have to wear a higher collared shirt in the morning if she didn't want anyone to know. She smiled slightly at the thought of marking Clarke as her own. Her hips thrust down into the blonde's, causing a slight whimper to escape.

Her hand slid between them and found the button of Clarke's leather and denim pants. The button was thrown open quickly and her hand descended further and further. When she found Clarke's core, she pushed up on her other hand to look down into her eyes. There was some fundamental need to see Clarke come undone in that moment. Her fingers danced over Clarke as her hips started a punishing rhythm. She used her pelvis against the back of her hand to plunge deeper, harder into Clarke. There was no love in this venture. It was purely the expulsion of energy, need, and base instinct.

"Take off your shirt," Octavia demanded as she moved just a little to allow her room.

Clarke wasn't sure that this was a good idea, but she didn't stop herself. It had been too long since someone had touched her and made her feel...anything. If Octavia could do that, and she could do that for Octavia, then maybe...just maybe, they weren't as broken as they thought. She ripped her shirt from her body and fell back into the bed. Staring up at Octavia, she waited as her long, thin fingers tortured her below.

It was too much and not enough. Octavia actually growled, low and throaty. Suddenly, she was up and shredding her clothes. She looked down at Clarke, half disheveled in her bed and her libido skyrocketed. She could see the small bloom of blood and bruise just above her collar bone, but Octavia needed more. She pulled her from the bed, tore her clothes, not caring if they honestly ripped and then pushed her against the wall.

Clarke quickly looked to the knife on the table. She didn't need it. She wanted to know where it was.

Octavia met her eye to eye. One of the joys of them being the same height. Green bore into blue, but Clarke couldn't read her, not in that moment. The fire in her eyes was too bright, too consuming. She shuttered not only from the look in Octavia's eyes, but the coolness of the wall behind her.

"Turn around."

Clarke turned until she was facing the wall. She felt Octavia move closer to her. She could feel the warmth of her body, the pebbles of her hardened nipples in her back. She wasn't prepared for the way that Octavia touched her.

It was rough and heady. She pulled Clarke's hips away from the wall, sinking her fingertips into flesh. She knew there would be bruises in the morning, but if she got off, it wouldn't matter.

With her hips in Octavia's vice grip, she couldn't help but grind against her. Octavia leaned into her ear and growled again. She'd never heard anything that made her drip with want so quickly. She knew that this wasn't something that they would repeat, so she made sure not to say anything. Keeping her own lips closed, she ate up every whimper and growl that Octavia so wantonly gave her as she took what she needed from Clarke's body. They were healing each other, giving and taking.

Octavia's right hand left her right hip and dipped down into the junction between her thighs. Clarke moved, instinctually, to give her better access. Octavia's other arm moved to wrap itself just below breasts. She used her own weight and strength to keep Clarke upright as she plunged two fingers inside. The pistoning was rough and just when Clarke thought that she had a handle on it, Octavia would stop. Finally after one too many times, Clarke moved her own hand, that had been holding her up against the wall, down and onto Octavia's thigh.

Before she could stop her, Clarke spun around, using the other woman's strength against her. Leaning back into the wall, she stared up into her eyes. They were closed for a brief second and then the usually fiery green went black. Clarke moved her left hand quickly because she didn't want to lose any of the ground that she'd found. Plunging into Octavia, she met her pace with her own. Eye locked. Arms wrapped around each other. Paces matched and brutal. They fucked each other until oblivion was on the horizon.

"JOK!" Octavia cried out as she finally found some absolution in Clarke's arms.

Clarke remained silent as she came, still not wanting to break the spell. They held each other for a few seconds, before Clarke could see Octavia coming back to senses. The wounds weren't as big, but they weren't completely healed either.

"Wanheda..." she started and Clarke winced at the name. "Are you alright? Did I hurt you."

"I'm fine, Okteivia."

"We should actually sleep."

"Do you still want me to stay?"

"Do you want to?" Octavia asked her sheepishly.

And, Clarke couldn't help but nod. It might not have been who they wanted. It might not have been what they really needed, but as Clarke helped her back into the bed, she couldn't help but see more and more of the old Octavia coming out.

"Clarke," Octavia started.

"I know, O. I know. I love you, too, but not that. We've both had some very emotional days. Don't read too much into it. I know that you aren't over Lincoln and you know that I am not over Lexa. We don't have to analyze this as anything more than what it was."

"Which was?" O asked her.

"Common release."

"Mochaf," Octavia replied.

"I should be the one thanking you."

"Do you think that Madi is going to kill me for this?" she questioned trying to lighten the mood as she curled into Clarke's warm body in the bed.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I am not going to tell her. Are you? What about Bellamy?"

"I doubt that he cares."

"You don't know that," Clarke stated.

"He told me that he wished I died in the bunker, Clarke. He forgives you for everything. He forgives me for nothing. Since my birth, I have been a burden to him. I've known for years. I've learned to deal with it."

"You shouldn't have to," Clarke answered.

"And, you shouldn't have had to deal with half the shit you did, but you did. Fate is a funny thing, Clarke. We are just its pawns."

"If you feel like you need a break," Clarke started.

"Yeah?"

"There is a pond not far from here. Go for a ride and just be like you did before everything went stupid. And, if you need someone to talk to..."

"I'll always come to my Wanheda," Octavia finished for her.

They snuggled down into each other, glad that they knew where they stood. They weren't ready for a relationship. They both had a ton of baggage to deal with, but they had found that they could lighten each other's loads. It wasn't perfect, but it worked. Clarke knew that they might never come together again, but she was glad that she had her friend back.

"Stop thinking and sleep. We can be friends in the morning. Right now, just keep the nightmares at bay, Wanheda."

"Same to you, my Skairipa...my Sekken..."

Octavia bristled a little at being called her "Second," but she didn't discourage it. Clarke needed someone on her side, an advisor that would be blunt, but also an advisor that understood her fears. Octavia would be that. Hell, Madi already made her swear to keep the peace no matter the cost. She would protect them both because she loved them both. And, Octavia was one thing above all else...loyal to those that she loved, no matter the cost to herself.