JENNIE
Before I can take even one more step, I'm yanked to a stop, a hand grasping hold of my wrist.
Turning, caught off guard, I look at her. Lalisa. We're still in the park, not far from where we started. There's a look on her battered face. I'm not sure how to read it, not sure what she's thinking or how she's feeling.
That's the thing with her, though.
She's an actor. Her talent comes natural. She's never had to work very hard at it. She can switch moods in a moment, change scenes in an instant, flip the script without anybody even realizing it's happening. It's hard to tell if she's just playing a character or if you can trust that she means things.
"Don't," she says, her voice low but pointed. "Don't do that."
"Don't do what?"
"Don't act like you weren't enough for me."
"I wasn't."
She shakes her head, her expression flickering with something else. Anger? Hurt? Frustration? "I don't know how you can say that, how you can even think that."
"Because it's true," I whisper, glancing down at where her hand is wrapped around my wrist. She isn't letting go. "I'm not saying that to be spiteful, but it's obvious I wasn't enough for you."
"How is it obvious?"
I can't believe she's asking that, that she's pretending to not understand what I mean. Is she pretending? I don't know. Either that or she's spent way too long ignoring reality.
"You wanted so much more than you ever had with me," I say. "I couldn't keep up. I tried, but I couldn't. The late nights, the parties, all those different places and faces… I got lost somewhere in the middle of it all, but you never stopped to look to make sure I was still with you. And then with the drinking, the drugs… the women."
She cringes when I say that. "I never cheated."
She's told me that before, but it's not the point. Good for her for keeping her pants on, for keeping her hands to herself, but still, time and again, she chose them. She left me behind, all alone, in a city where I only had her, so she could be with them.
Actors. Models. Socialites.
I fought so hard for her and her dream. I gave up everything. But by then end, she wouldn't even give me a minute.
A minute was all I asked for.
"It doesn't matter," I say. "It's over now, anyway."
She lets go of my wrist, and I start to walk again. She strolls along beside me. I can tell she wants to argue her point, and every so often her lips will part, like she's found the words she needs to convince me, but she stops herself.
When we reach my building, I come to a stop in the parking lot not far from my door.
"Thanks," I mumble, awkwardly not knowing what to say in this moment.
"You're wrong," she says when I turn away, her voice just loud enough for me to hear. Should've known she wouldn't let it go.
I shake my head. "I'm not."
"You are," she says again. "And I hate that I ever made you think otherwise, Jennie."
She walks away. I watch her go, ignoring the tiny sliver of me that doesn't want her to leave.
Maddie's already tucked into bed when I go inside, but Jisoo's on the couch, flipping through channels so fast I'm not sure how she can tell what's on. She looks at me, pausing as she sits up.
"Wow, you look…" she starts, waving toward me.
"I look what?"
"I don't know," she says, "but you look something."
"I feel something," I mumble, plopping down on the couch beside her, dropping her shoes on her lap as I kick my feet up on the coffee table. My dress is tugged up damn near to my waist. I'm probably flashing her my underwear, but I don't care. What a night.
"Oh god, was it that bad?" she asks, her voice dropping low as she clutches her chest. "Is it little? Does he have a needle-nose plier dick? Oh god, this is gold… please tell me Kai's packing a pinky in his pants."
"No," I say with a laugh, pausing before adding, "Well, I don't know. Never seen it, but I doubt that's the case."
"What do you mean you've never seen it?"
"I mean I've never seen it. We've never… you know."
"What?" She looks at me with shock. "You've gone out a few times and you haven't even played with it? What the hell? I mean, I don't blame you, because gross, but why do you keep going if he's not sticking it to you? What's the point?"
"Maybe because he's nice."
"Nice? You know who else is nice?"
"Don't even start."
"Mister Rogers," she says. "He wants you to be his neighbor. Bob Ross, he's nice, too. He'll paint you a happy little cloud. Hell, how about one of the Cleavers? Why not go out with one of them?"
"Pretty sure they're all dead."
"Yeah, well, so is your vagina at this rate."
Laughing, I shove her, nearly pushing her off the couch. "It is not."
"Fine, whatever, so Kai's nice." She pretends to gag. "If you didn't get naked, what did you do tonight?"
"Went to dinner."
"Dinner," she says, eyeing me. "You've been gone four hours. How much did you eat?"
"Why are you asking so many questions?"
"Just making sure you didn't run off and do something stupid, like get naked with someone else."
"Of course not," I say. "My dress stayed on all night long."
"But you ran off, didn't you?"
"I didn't do anything."
She waves her finger in my face. "You saw her."
Guilty.
I don't have to say anything. She knows.
"Jesus Christ, Jennie…"
"I know, I know. You don't even have to say it."
"Oh, but I will," she says. "I'm not going to tell you what to do. I mean, I want to. I want to tell you to get a restraining order, but I won't. I know she's maddie's…"
"She's also your sister."
She shoves her hand in my face, pushing my head away. "Ugh, don't remind me."
Standing, she slips her shoes on, smoothing the creases from her clothes.
"You can stay, you know," I tell her. "You don't have to rush off."
"I know," she says, playfully roughing up my hair until I smack her hand. "But the universe demands balance. You didn't give it up tonight, which means it's up to me, so I'm off to do my civic duty."
"Ah, to be young again."
She flips me off.
Truth is, Jisoo's got me beat by a few years. She's on the cusp of turning thirty and isn't anywhere close to settling down. She's so carefree that she makes me feel like an old fogy.
"Love you," she says.
"You, too, Jisoo."
"Love you, cinnamon-sugar apple-fritter!" she yells as she opens the front door, her voice carrying through the apartment.
I don't expect her to get a response, but a sleepy voice calls from the bedroom, "Love you!"
Jisoo looks at me, trying to appear serious, pointing to her eyes before pointing at me, warning me she'll be watching.
Before I can respond, she's gone.
I didn't really know Jisoo until Maddie came into the world. We'd spoken a few times, saw each other in passing, but she had a life pretty far removed from her sister. She wanted to know her niece, though, and we grew close after that.
Sighing, I turn off the television, locking up before heading for bed. I stall outside Maddie's bedroom, lurking in the doorway, those brown eyes shining out at me. "Hey, sweetheart. You have fun tonight with Aunt Chu?"
She nods. "Did you have fun with your date?"
"Sure," I say. "It was nice."
"Did he say you were pretty in your dress?"
"Uh, no." I glance down at myself. "I don't think he noticed."
"Why not?"
"Sometimes people just don't notice things like that."
"I did," she says. "I don't think you should like them as a date if they don't notice pretty dresses. 'Cuz you can see it, but if they don't see it, then they don't look. And they should look at you on dates when you're pretty."
"You're right," I say—she's too smart for her own good. "That's some really great advice."
She smiles as I stroll over, leaning down to kiss her forehead.
"Get some sleep," I tell her. "Maybe we can do something special tomorrow."
"Ducks! Ducks! Ducks! Ducks!"
I shake my head as Maddie snatches the pre-packaged bags of kale off of the platform beside the cash register, excitedly chanting that word, hardly giving Ryujin a chance to even scan them, much less toss them in bags with the rest of our stuff.
"You going to see the ducks today?" Ryujin asks with a laugh, taking my money when I pay.
"Yep!" Maddie says. "Picnic with the ducks! Right, Mommy?"
"Right," I say—if Lunchables with juice boxes count as a picnic, which I like to think it does.
Ryujin dramatically frowns Maddie's direction. "Lucky girl. I'm stuck working all day, unlike your mama, so no feeding ducks for me."
"The ducks eat all the time," Maddie tells her. "Every day, too, so you can feed them when you're not working!"
"You know, you're totally right," Ryujin says. "I'll have to remember that."
Maddie smiles, satisfied, as she starts dancing around like she's playing hopscotch, jumping from square to square on the checkered floor.
Ryujin counts out my change as she switches topics, rambling about schedules and days off and blah, blah, blah… precisely everything I don't want to talk about, but I humor her before making my escape. I look around for Maddie, spotting her at the end cap of the checkout lane, looking right at the exact thing she shouldn't be seeing.
Hollywood Chronicles.
"That's about enough of that," I say, pressing my hand to her back, steering her away from it. She doesn't fight me on it, and I'm instantly grateful she's just now learning how to read, because that means she didn't understand half of what I saw on that cover.
LISA MANOBAN REHAB SHOCKER!
Alcohol, Drugs, and a Sex Addiction Tearing Breezeo Star's Life Apart!
Friends concerned she's knocking on death's door!
I lead her out of the store, carrying our picnic stuff as she drags along the bags of kale. I'm digging my car keys from my pocket, trying to keep an eye on her, when she digs her heels in, dropping one of the bags.
I nearly step on it, hearing her as she whispers, "Breezeo."
"I know, sweetheart," I mumble, snatching up the bag of kale, about to hand it back to her when she yanks away from me.
"Breezeo," she says again, a little louder this time, gone from my side in a blink. Running.
"Madison!" I call out, darting after her. "Stop!"
Maddie doesn't stop, but I damn sure do. She's barely ten feet away, heading for someone approaching the grocery store. She runs right up, blocking the path as she says it again. "Breezeo!"
Oh god.
Oh no.
No, no, no…
Breezeo.
Lalisa stands there, blinking down at her, confusion clouding her face. I'm not sure how Maddie recognized her, with scruff covering her jaw, still all banged up. She looks like a battered version of the actor, not the character.
My chest tightens as I hold my breath. She doesn't recognize her right away, but I can tell the moment it kicks in. There's a flicker of shock she can't conceal before her expression straightens out. She might be panicking, but she isn't showing it, not that I can see.
Yet, she says nothing.
She stares at Maddie in silence.
I've imagined this moment so many times, in so many different ways, none of which I'm even remotely ready for, but it was never like this. I have no idea how she's going to react, no idea what she'll do. It's so far out of my control that I want to just grab Maddie and run.
Lalisa's eyes meet mine, widening, pleading. There's the panic. Carefully, I step toward them.
"Breezeo?" Maddie says again, standing right in front of her, drawing Lalisa's attention back to her. Maddie sounds hesitant now, conflicted by how she's acting, a fact that seems to spur Lalisa into action.
"Hey there," Lalisa says as she kneels down, eye-level with Maddie. "Don't say that too loud. People might hear."
"Mommy says she got my drawing to you," she says excitedly, whisper-shouting. "Did you see?"
She smiles slightly. "I did."
I can barely hear her voice. She stares at Maddie like she's committing her face to memory, like she fears this may be the only time she ever sees it.
"Did you like it?" Maddie asks. "Did it make you better?"
"I loved it," she says. "And it made me feel a lot better. Thank you."
"You're welcome, Breezeo!"
Lalisa's gaze meets mine. She cocks an eyebrow. She's waiting for me to do something, but what?
"Maddie, sweetheart, we've talked about this," I say. "She's not really Breezeo, remember?"
"I know that." She rolls her eyes dramatically, like I'm being crazy. "She's Lisa, like on the TV and the papers and stuff, but she's still Breezeo too, right?"
"Right… I think."
"Sounds about right to me," Lalisa says, holding her left hand out to her. "My name's Lalisa, though. It's a pleasure to meet you."
Maddie grabs her hand, shaking it wildly. "Mommy calls me Maddie. You can call me Maddie, too!"
"Maddie," she repeats.
It's a sweet moment—or well, it should be sweet. Tears sting my eyes that I blink away, a lump in my throat that I force down, not wanting to confuse Maddie with my reaction.
"What are you doing here?" I ask quietly when Lalisa stands back up.
"McKleski sent me to get milk," she says. "She told me to make myself useful."
"Yeah, uh…" I glance toward the store. "You're not going to want to do that. The cashier that's working, well, she's a bit of a Breezeo fangirl."
"Me, too!" Maddie says.
I grasp Maddie's shoulder, pulling her back to me. "Yes, but you, little one, know how to keep a secret."
"I do," she says, smiling widely as she looks up at me. "Like that one time when you told me that secret that you didn't like—"
I don't even know where she's going with this, but I don't let her finish, clamping my hand down around her mouth to muffle her words, hissing, "Secret, remember?"
Lalisa laughs. "Well, then. I guess no milk for McKleski today."
Maddie yanks my hand away from her mouth, too excited to stay quiet. "I can get her milk!"
"No, I, uh…" Crap. "I can do it. It'll only take a second. Just…" Crap. "Uh…" How did I get myself into this? "Just wait here. Do you think you can…?" Crap. Crap. Crap. I wave between her and Maddie. "For just a second?"
Her eyes widen when she realizes what I'm asking, like she can't believe her ears, which is funny, because I can't believe it came from my own freaking lips. Did I seriously ask her to watch Maddie for me?
"Sure," she says hesitantly, like she expects me to change my mind, and I want to, but I can't, not when I've already said it. "If you're sure."
I nod. "I'll be right back."
I try to be calm about it, to not raise any alarms, my footsteps determined as I head back into the store. I make my way to the back, grabbing a gallon of milk, before heading for the register with it, my heart racing the whole time. I can't believe I'm doing this. I can't believe I just did that. I left Maddie with her, just left Maddie there—with her—just like that. She could take Maddie. She could run. For all I know, that was her plan all along. Maybe she doesn't even need milk.
"Forget something?" Ryujin asks when I set the milk in front of her.
"Yeah," I mumble. "Stupid me."
She rings it up, and I pay for it, snatching up the gallon of milk before she can make conversation.
Stepping out of the store, I exhale shakily, spotting them still standing there together. Maddie is talking nonstop, while she's grinning down at her like she's mesmerized.
Her smile dims a bit when I approach. She almost looks disappointed that I'm back. I try to brush that off as I shove the milk at her, but my stomach knots.
"Thanks," she says. "Maddie was telling me all about the ducks."
"Is that right?" I glance at her. "We should probably get over there."
"I told her we got kale!" Maddie says, squeezing the bags. "She says that's crazy, 'cuz they eat bread! But she's the crazy one, 'cuz bread is bad for the ducks, but she doesn't believe they eat the kale!"
"Well, then," I say when Maddie pauses to take a breath. "Guess she doesn't know much about ducks."
"Guess not," She agrees, lingering there like she doesn't want to leave.
"She should come!" Maddie declares, looking at her with wide eyes. "You can feed the ducks!"
"I'm not sure about that, sweetheart," I say.
"Why not?" she asks.
Why not? It's a good question, one I've got no answer for—at least, no answer she'll understand. "I'm sure she's busy."
"Too busy for ducks?" Maddie asks incredulously, looking at her with disbelief. "You don't wanna feed them with me?"
I'm screwed. That's it. I know it instantly. The way Maddie asked that, the way she worded it? There's no way Lalisa can say no.
She mumbles something, not answering Maddie's question, and looks to me for help. It's strange, seeing her so vulnerable. She's drowning right now.
"We'll be over at the park," I tell her. "If you want to come by after you drop the milk off."
"Are you sure?"
She's asking me, but Maddie answers. "Duh."
She laughs. "Well, then, I guess I'll see you."
After a moment of hesitation, a moment of staring at Maddie again, she finally leaves. Maddie watches until she slips out of sight. Turning to me, she grins. "Mommy, it's Breezeo. She's here!"
She's got stars in her eyes, my dreamer girl, and I return her smile, even though I'm terrified that all this is going to inevitably crush her. Lalisa's here, and she's trying, but how long can that last? How long until she blows out of town again and goes back to her life, leaving everything behind? How long until my lovesick little girl becomes an inconvenience to her, too?