A/N: A sad but also wholesome one shot that I'm thinking could be a storyline during the second half of S23. Cried a little while coming up with this idea, ngl.

I've got you.

"Do you… ugh, do you really have to leave today?"

Her eyes are tired, sleep still in them, but the rest of her body is very much awake. Especially the parts that he's currently touching. And right now, it feels like he's everywhere all at once.

She turns from her side to her stomach, beckoning him to follow. Wanting and needing to feel his weight on her.

"Yeah." He groans when she lifts her hips a little, meeting him halfway, smiling when he notices how she's bracing herself by grabbing the corners of the pillow. "I wish I could stay."

"Me-" Amanda gasps, "too."

"It's only three days."

She moans into the pillow when he puts more muscle into his thrust. "Too long."

"I know. I'm quitting my job when I get back." Carisi jokes, but her laugh is quickly replaced by muffled sounds of pleasure.

Minutes later he collapses on top of her, kissing both of her shoulders before pressing his lips against the nape of her neck. "Good morning." He mumbles, taking in the scent of her hair that he first noticed seven years ago.

"Morning." She mumbles back through a short chuckle, out of breath and face still partially buried in the pillow.

"Are you going away for a long time?" Jesse asks while moving her strawberries around on her plate.

"No, sweetie." Carisi smiles before placing a kiss to the top of her head. "I'll be back before you know it."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

"Honey, finish your breakfast, ok?" Amanda says, busy finishing the girls' lunch. "We're already running a little late."

"Speaking of late," The ADA checks his watch, "I gotta run if I'm gonna catch that plane." He leans in, pressing a firm but short kiss to Amanda's lips.

"Go." She says before kissing him back. "Text me when you land."

The detective picks Billie up from her chair and holds her on her hip as she watches Carisi get ready to leave. "We're gonna miss you." She lifts Billie's hand for a wave. "Can you say bye to Sonny?"

"Bye, dada."

Everything stops for a moment. Even Jesse who is busy getting the last piece of her pancake down, stops what she's doing and looks at her sister before looking at the two adults in the room. Two adults who look like they just had the wind knocked out of them.

"Ok." Carisi whispers before he walks with hurried steps over to where Amanda and Billie is standing. "Ok." He cups Billie's cheeks and smiles, tears evident in his eyes. "Now I definitely don't wanna go."

"We'll be here when you get back." Amanda says, her voice a little shaky, tears welling up in her eyes too. "Bye… dada." She grins while running a hand through Billie's hair.

A last kiss between them is followed by a "yuck!" from the toddler, making them both laugh before she watch him open and disappear through the door. She closes her eyes for a moment, wondering if that flutter in her stomach is permanent now, because it's been like that ever since their first kiss.

"So…" The blonde starts before slumping down on the couch in Olivia's office. "Billie called Carisi 'dada' this morning."

The captain stops what she's doing and looks up from the paperwork on her desk. "Wow."

"I know."

"How do you feel about that?"

"I don't know… Good? I think? He's been more like a dad to her than-" She stops talking when her phone starts ringing in the pocket of her navy blue blazer. "Hold on."

As soon as the detective picks up and the voice on the other end starts talking, Olivia knows that something is wrong.

"What hospital?"

Very wrong.

"Ok, uhm, ok… I'm on my way."

Amanda's hands are shaking when she hangs up, clinging to the phone and suddenly looking completely lost.

"What?" The brunette removes her glasses, eyebrows furrowed as she stares at her. "What was it?"

"My dad. That was… That was my dad's nurse. He had another stroke." She is pacing back and forth now, restlessly dragging a hand through her hair. "I need to… I have to go."

"I'm going with you."

"Wh- No. Liv, you're too bus-"

"I'm not letting you drive right now, and you shouldn't be alone. Carisi left this morning, right? And didn't you say that your mother was home visiting family in Georgia? I'm coming with."

Amanda wants to protest again, but Olivia is already up and getting her things ready, throwing her blazer on. "Let's go."

It's maddening how quiet the waiting area is, and she keeps getting up, just to move around, before sitting back down again. Her leg keeps bouncing, and only when her captain reaches for her hand, does she stop fidgeting.

When the doctor walks towards them, Olivia already knows what the petite woman with the big glasses is about to say and she tightens her grip around Amanda's hand, like that is somehow going to soften the blow.

She has seen that look too many times before.

They get up from their chairs at the same time, the captain never letting go of the woman next to her who has turned alarmingly pale since they walked through the hospital doors.

"Amanda Rollins?"

"Mhm." She nods a single time.

"I'm sorry." The doctor says while placing a hand on Amanda's shoulder. "We did everything we could."

Olivia isn't sure, but it sounds like Amanda's breath hitches just a little and she turns to look at her. She didn't think the blonde could turn any paler than she already was, but she's proven wrong.

"He died?" Amanda says, her voice surprisingly steady. It's a stark contrast to the way her shoulders are shaking. "He's dead?"

"I'm so sorry for your loss."

"He's gone?"

"You can go in and see him, if you want. He's in room 108."

"He… died?"

The doctor looks from Amanda to Olivia then, giving them both a sympathetic nod.

"I've got her." The captain mouths, letting the other woman know that it's ok for her to leave. That Amanda won't be alone.

Without saying anything, the blonde eventually starts moving towards the corridor, following the signs that are leading her to her father's room. Stopping as soon as she sees the number on the door, the blonde turns around, avoiding the window. Clearly not prepared for whatever she'll have to face once she walks inside.

"I don't know if… I don't know if I can do this." She says, wrapping her arms around herself, chewing on her lower lip.

"You don't have to. We can stay here for a while, go home, whatever you need."

"No…" It takes her a while, but eventually she turns to look through the glass, her eyes widening with something that looks like shock or disbelief when she sees him. "No, I have to."

With a trembling hand, she slowly opens the door. "I'll only be a minute."

"Take as long as you need. I'm right here."

She keeps an eye on her while fishing her phone out of her purse, preparing herself for whatever reaction Amanda might have to seeing her own father dead in a hospital bed. But as she keeps talking on the phone, the blonde just stands there, with her back turned to the glass. She can't see her face, but for some reason, she knows that she's not crying.

Three minutes later, Olivia is still watching when Amanda turns around and leaves the room. "We can go now." She says as she starts moving away, her demeanor oddly calm and composed despite her quick steps down the hall.

"Ok, so," The captain starts while trying to keep up with her, "here's what's gonna happen. I've called Sienna and she's bringing the girls over to my place and they can stay there with Lucy and Noah. And I'm taking you home."

Amanda stops then and turns to look at her. "Liv, you don't-"

"I know." Olivia interrupts. "But I want to."

"But-"

"No, I'm not letting you go home alone."

For a short moment it looks like she's about to continue the argument, but with a resigned "fine" she starts walking again.

Her voice is flat and void of any emotions when she asks the captain if she wants something to drink after closing the door behind them and moving towards the kitchen.

Without catching Olivia's "no, thanks", she looks around, opening the fridge before closing it again. Her eyes can't focus on anything it seems. Not until she moves them upwards to the top of her shelves.

There it is. The bottle reserved for a few sips every other month, usually after a particularly hard case, or after a challenging day in court. But now, it's like the whiskey is staring back at her, taunting her a little. She can smell it like she used to smell it on her father's breath. She didn't even have to be close to him, the smell always lingered in their house.

She can hear the yelling and things breaking, and ugly words being exchanged between people who were supposed to love each other. People who were supposed to care about her.

Her heart hammers in her chest, like it used to when she would hide in her room. Sometimes alone, sometimes holding Kim close to her, covering her ears, shielding her childhood.

"Amanda?" Olivia's voice is distant, even though the brunette is standing just a few feet away. "Amanda?"

"It's over." She whispers. "He's gone."

It's like her body breaks in half and she bends over, sucking in air like she's been under water for far too long. "Oh, god." She sobs. "He's dead."

Her knees buckle, but just before her body hits the floor, strong hands catches her, guiding her down slowly, until she's cradled in Olivia's arms.

"Ok, hey, Amanda, honey." The captain hugs her tight, rocking her gently from side to side. "I'm here." She says, her voice low but equally soft. "I've got you."

It's slow and gradual, but the pain in her chest dissipates with every single sob and gasp, like she's been carrying a very specific kind of pain that is now working its way through and out of her body. And maybe that's why she doesn't stand a chance at stopping it, realizing that this is beyond her control.

And so she cries, alternating between grief and relief.

"It's ok." Olivia says, hugging her even tighter. "Just let it out."

When her loud sobs have turned into mostly sniffles and her breath hitching every once in a while, Olivia gives her shoulder a gentle squeeze. "Let's get you up and over to the couch, hm?"

She's too exhausted to feel awkward about how the brunette guides her over to the sofa, helps her lie down and covers her with a blanket. And when she rests her legs in Olivia's lap, the only thing she can feel besides fatigue, is immense gratitude. "Thank you." She mumbles with her eyes closed, right before drifting off.

"Always." Olivia whispers, while rubbing her leg gently.

Two hours have passed when the sound of keys can be heard from down the hall, making the captain look up from her phone. And a moment later Carisi is standing in the middle of the living room with sadness and worry written all over his face.

"How is she?" He whispers.

Olivia carefully lifts Amanda's legs up, before putting them back down again, moving from the couch and over to the kitchen.

"Exhausted." She says, keeping her voice as low as possible.

"Thanks for staying with her."

Olivia gives him a sad smile before glancing over at the sleeping woman. "Carisi… I know that you know her, probably better than anyone. But this… This kind of grief, it's very complicated."

She might be overstepping right now, but quickly decides that the ADA needs to hear this. Olivia needs to know that he gets it, even if he will never fully understand.

"What do you mean?"

"Losing a parent is hard enough, but losing a parent who was abusive? There's just so much history, so many complicated feelings. It's like you're relieved and sad and angry all at once. She's not just grieving the loss of a parent, she's grieving the childhood she never had, and she's also breathing a sigh of relief. It's exhausting, and it takes time."

"You know what you're talking about." He says, more as a statement than a question.

"I do." Olivia confirms with a single nod, tears in her eyes. "And she's gonna need you now. Probably more than she's willing to admit."

"She's gonna need both of us."

"Yeah, she will, but you're the boyfriend."

"You're her best friend." He shoots back with a hint of a smile. "You have something that I'll never have with her."

"Don't be jealous." She says a little mockingly, her comment accompanied by a shove against his arm. "I've known her for a long time, she's… I get her, she gets me. And we're both mothers."

"Damn good ones, too."

Olivia smiles while reaching for his arm again, this time giving it a soft embrace, a simple gesture to show him that she appreciates him saying that. "Take care of her. The girls can stay with me tonight. And I'll check in tomorrow morning."

"Thanks again, cap. For being here."

"She's my best friend, too."

After saying goodbye, Carisi turns to look at his girlfriend still sleeping on the couch. The last thing he wants is to wake her, but he finds it physically impossible to stay away. And that's why he quietly moves towards her, leans down and places a gentle kiss to her forehead.

Just as he's about to adjust the blanket that has started to fall down and off her, she stirs, before blinking up at him.

"Sorry." He whispers. "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

"Wh- You're here?" She rubs her tired eyes. "You came back?"

"Came as soon as I could."

The tears are instant and he quickly sits down, practically scooping her up in his arms. "I'm here, Amanda." He kisses her forehead again, closing his eyes as she leans into him while still crying.

"I've got you."