A/N: Wow. The 500th. It was a lot. And in my opinion a very important, very powerful AND painful episode. I haven't really processed it yet, but still felt the need to scramble some words together.
Of course, I loved the Rolivia scenes that we got, and OF COURSE, I wanted more. So this is me, showing what happened right after Liv threw the tape away.
I hope you like it!
TW: Mentions of grooming/sexual assault/violence. Nothing graphic or very detailed.
I just wanted love.
"There you are."
She turns around at the sound of Amanda's voice, wondering if the other woman can see the relief on her face. "You got here fast."
"Well, when my friend sounds upset, I'm not just gonna slouch around."
Olivia tilts her head and gives a crooked smile followed by a soft "hm", finding it hard to use her words to express that she's grateful. Hoping that Amanda is aware. And knowing her, she's always aware.
"What's going on, Liv?"
She looks around, tugs at her jacket as a chill runs through her. "Can we walk? It's getting cold."
And so they walk, for several minutes without her saying anything at all. Trying, in vain, to collect her thoughts so that when she finally opens her mouth to speak, her words will make sense to both herself and the blonde. She does that with her therapist, too. Maybe because it gives her a sense of being in control, and not the complete mess that she sometimes wonders if she is.
Tonight however, her thoughts are scrambled, all over the place and thrown around at random. Impossible to gather.
"I feel…" She clears her throat to stop her voice from cracking, not entirely sure how honest she wants to be. "I just feel so confused."
Carefully, Amanda wraps her arm around Olivia's while they continue their walk. "About?" She asks softly.
"Everything?" The brunette says through a humorless laugh. "I've spent years painting this image of my mother in my head. Making her out to be some monster, and maybe I did that to protect myself. To miss her less?" Her voice lowers to just above a whisper when she reveals what she's been thinking for days. Or maybe, possibly, even years. "What if she was actually trying to protect me by making him go away?"
She knows that the silence that follows is simply Amanda threading carefully. It might be one of the things that she loves most about her detective, and her friend. She might be feisty in any other situation, but somehow, when it comes to Olivia's feelings, she always knows just when to slow it all down. It gives her a sense of safety that only a few people are able to provide.
"Liv, from the things you've told me in the past-" Amanda finally says. "Is it possible that both can be true?"
"What do you mean?" The captain asks, having a feeling where Amanda is going with this, but still needing to hear her say it.
"She wanted to protect you, she was your mother after all. But she was still far from the mother you deserved. You deserved so much more than that."
When Olivia doesn't respond, mainly because she's trying to get rid of that uninvited lump in her throat, the blonde stops walking. "You do know that, right?"
She doesn't want to say the words out loud, but at this point in her life, it's just a basic instinct. "I was awful to her, too, you know. It wasn't just her."
Amanda shakes her head, her jaw clenched as she grabs Olivia's hands, squeezing them tight. "You were her daughter. You were supposed to give her hell. I mean, Jesus, it's not like our kids treat us like queens and they aren't even teenagers yet."
"Ugh." The brunette laughs as her tears threaten to spill. "How are we gonna get through that?" She sniffles while she gestures for them to move again.
"I honestly have no idea." Amanda admits with a shrug. "Cocaine?"
The joke grants her another laugh and a resigned "sure" just as Olivia spots a coffee shop, nodding towards it as another chill runs through her.
"But even with all that, I'm not doubting that she really did love you, Liv. And maybe this can be a way for you to… To feel that, too."
"Maybe" Olivia responds, deep in thought as they cross the road.
She considers her options as she looks at the menu. It would definitely be easier to continue this conversation with a glass of wine between her hands, but her lingering hangover from too many nights with too many glasses essentially makes the decision for her.
"So, you wanna tell me what happened tonight?" Amanda asks when they're finally seated, cradling her coffee to recover from the crisp October air outside.
Olivia looks down at the black liquid as a rush of intense shame works its way through her body, making it near impossible to look at the woman seated across from her.
"I slept with him." The admission tastes like vinegar on her tongue. And as images from that night fills her head, she feels herself cringe.
But the shock in Amanda's voice pulls her out of it. "Tonight?"
"No, god, no." Olivia responds quickly, almost laughing. Not because it's funny. Just absurd. And so twisted in so many ways. "Not tonight." She continues. "Before the trial, before I knew about any of this."
Amanda's face softens immediately, matching her equally soft voice when she lets out a quiet "oh, Liv…"
It's enough to make her chin tremble just a little, and she takes a moment to steady herself before a string of words tumble out of her.
"I slept with him and then… And then I end up realizing that maybe… Maybe he did actually groom me. When I was 16. I really thought that I was in love with him, and it felt… good, being with him again, like that. But when I went to see him tonight, to confront him about everything… He was a completely different person."
Her hands are shaking when she finally stops talking, still shaking when Amanda reaches out to grab her wrist, effectively forcing their eyes to meet.
"Did he hurt you?" She asks, her voice thick with both worry and anger.
"No." Olivia scoffs. But she quickly realizes that maybe he could have. Because he was definitely not the same man she thought she loved all those years ago. "Not physically." She eventually adds, surprised at how much it pains her to say those two words out loud.
"But he did hurt you." Amanda says, as a statement more than a question. Her hand still tenderly wrapped around the captain's wrist.
"Yes." Olivia admits, her voice sounding resigned and distant. "He hurt me."
"Liv, I'm so sorry." The blonde leans back, looking at her with nothing but empathy. "For all of this. It was the last thing you needed right now."
The words are undoubtedly heartfelt and genuine, but Olivia knows her too well to let the unspoken "but" go unnoticed.
"But?" She asks, trying to stay patient as she waits for Amanda to let her know what's going on inside her brain.
"But I also think-" The detective finally says, glancing around the near empty coffee shop before meeting her eyes again. "I also think this was important for you."
She knows this. On a professional level, she knows. But there have always been a different set of rules for her. Always. And she has dutifully followed those rules, because it was the easiest way for her to do her job. The easiest way to get through life.
When a minute has passed and she still hasn't said anything, Amanda continues. "Do you remember, years ago, you asked me if I could go back to that detective I was when I was still in Georgia, and feel compassion for her?"
She swallows, needing a moment. Because she simply wasn't prepared for the other woman to be this blunt about something she almost never talks about. "I remember." Olivia finally says, hoping her voice sounds as soft as she intended it to be.
"Can you do the same?" The blonde asks.
"But it's not the same, Amanda. You were raped, it was a violent assault." It's harsh, brutal, but it's the truth and based on where this conversation has taken them, she also knows the other woman can take it. Hopefully.
"And you were assaulted, too." Amanda shoots back. Not to be mean or score a point, but simply to set the record straight. To let her know that even though their stories might be different, they are still two women who have both been forced to rise from the ashes, on more than one occasion.
She swallows again, before she finally nods in agreement. Acknowledging something she has spent nearly forty years justifying in her head.
"And I know-" Amanda says, reaching out her hand again, this time to let her fingers run gently over Olivia's knuckles. "Liv, I know how much it hurts to admit that. I know you hate to feel like a victim." Tears have gathered in blue eyes too, now, and she knows that the detective is talking about herself just as much.
"One of the many things we have in common." The brunette smiles sadly, turning her hand around to grab Amanda's in earnest, holding it tight.
"But look what you did tonight. You faced him and you stood up for yourself. And not just as Captain Benson. You stood up for 16-year-old Olivia, too. And god knows she has needed that for very, very long time."
And that's when she finally lets her tears fall. Unabashed and openly crying in front of this woman that she knows would walk through fire for her, no matter what.
"You know-" Olivia starts as she finally lets go off Amanda's hand to wipe her tears away. "Sometimes you really blow me away."
"How?" The blonde asks through a confused laugh while she hands Olivia a napkin.
"You've come so far. And it's not that I don't see it daily, because I do, but still… I'm just… I'm really proud of you, Amanda."
The detective shifts in her chair, clearly not expecting neither the words nor the sincerity in them. She blinks a few times before she motions for Olivia to hand back the napkin, suddenly needing it herself.
She shrugs, smiling shyly while pressing the tissue to her cheeks repeatedly. "I learned from the best."
A/N: Thank you for reading and take care of yourself today.