Little by little, Mahiru tries to start coming to terms with whatever feelings she can make sense of - which isn't easy!
Disclaimer: I do not own Shoujo Kageki Revue Starlight.
Chapter 6. "Kuro-chan"
As her school days continue, Mahiru begins to come to terms with her feelings little by little.
She admits to herself that she might've had a bit of a crush on Karen from the start, but she has to wonder if it was just because Karen was so nice to her, enough to reach out and befriend her right away. But especially knowing about the girl named Hikari, Mahiru gradually understands that whatever relationship Karen had with her childhood friend is one that Mahiru couldn't possibly interfere with.
It's dejecting in a way, but she continues putting on a smile whenever Karen is around, and does her best to keep having fun with her.
And bit by bit, Karen's outgoing and fearless personality eventually begins drawing other people into their little circle of friends.
One afternoon when Mahiru is finishing up her homework in the common lounge, Karen strolls in with Hoshimi Junna and Daiba Nana behind her. They all greet one another, while Mahiru bashfully asks them about themselves, and answers their questions about herself even more bashfully.
And by the following week, two more girls have joined in to sit with them on the couches, their names being Isurugi Futaba and Hanayagi Kaoruko.
As the other girls get comfortable chatting with one another each day after classes, Mahiru tends to stay quiet, only speaking when they talk to her first. But she still very much looks forward to hanging out with them all after classes, and they've even started talking together during classes and sitting together at lunch, too.
But Mahiru does have to admit, her favorite afternoons are on Tuesdays and Thursdays when she meets up with Claudine.
Up until now, Mahiru has met with her a total of five times, and Claudine has given her more tips about her breathing, not only when reading lines, but also when singing. And it's all stuff their teachers have gone over with them in class, but Mahiru could never bring herself to raise her voice with so many other people around. However, when it's just Claudine and herself, she feels very much at ease.
Claudine gives her advice, and always demonstrates everything flawlessly for Mahiru to mimic. As the days pass by, Mahiru can feel the change in her script reading during classes, as well as in her singing.
Saijou-san is really amazing… I want to thank her somehow…
By this point, simply thanking her with words after each of their practices doesn't feel like enough.
Therefore, one Thursday afternoon, after she and Claudine have just finished thirty or so minutes of private practice, Mahiru musters up every shred of courage Claudine has given her and speaks up.
"U-Um, Saijou-san?"
Claudine is clearly delightfully surprised to hear Mahiru call out to her.
"Hm? What's up, Tsuyuzaki-san?"
Mahiru almost second guesses herself and replies with 'It's nothing!' on reflex. But somehow she manages to stop herself.
N-No! I need to do this!
She takes a moment to configure her words and arrange them sensibly. All the while, Claudine waits patiently for her to figure herself out. At last, Mahiru draws in a deep breath, like Claudine taught her to, and finds her voice.
"U-Um, I was just wondering if you'd like to c-come with me and Karen-chan and everyone else to hang out before supper…" She almost can't believe she'd actually gone through with asking her. Even if Claudine says no like last time, Mahiru claims it as a personal victory that she'd even asked at all.
Claudine's lips curl up into a smile as she crouches down to pick up her school bag.
"I would love to! I think I've been focusing too much on practicing. I forgot I should be socializing as well."
Mahiru's heart lifts, and a hopeful spark comes into her eyes.
"R-Really?"
"Bien sûr!"
"Th-That's great!"
"Thank you for thinking of me, Tsuyuzaki-san."
Mahiru blushes deeply and shuffles her feet a bit.
Together, the two of them make the walk back to Starlight Hall, where Mahiru is bubbling with excitement to have a new companion for everyone to meet. She can already hear Karen's hyperactive voice chatting away from halfway down the hall, and a few other girls laughing.
When Mahiru and Claudine make it to the threshold, Mahiru can see six of her fellow classmates inside; Karen, Junna, Nana, Futaba, Kaoruko, and then one more person Mahiru hadn't been expecting. Tendo Maya is seated beside Kaoruko and Futaba on one couch, and when everyone looks up at their new guests, Mahiru meets Maya's eyes.
"Ah!" Nana claps. "We have two more friends joining us!"
"Saijou-han, is it?" Kaoruko says. "I certainly didn't expect Tsuyuzaki-han to be bringing along anyone but Aijou-han."
"Saijou-san!" Karen jumps up from her seat excitedly. "Wow, this is perfect! Tendo-san agreed to come hang out with us today, too! It's a party now!"
"Bonjour," Claudine says, dipping her head. "I hope I'm not imposing."
"Course not!" Futaba grins. "The more the merrier! Grab a seat!"
Mahiru is so glad everyone is in high spirits and welcoming of their newest member.
She herself had already sort of claimed the couch Karen was sitting on as her own spot, while Nana and Junna shared a spacious love seat. The other couch, where Maya, Futaba, and Kaoruko were sitting, didn't have very much space left. So it's Mahiru's wish that Claudine will choose to sit beside her.
With a hopeful beat in her heart, Mahiru opens her mouth with the offer right at the tip of her tongue.
But the invitation falls away when she notices Claudine's eyes are already narrowed onto Maya. With a small huff of a breath, Claudine struts across the room to the far couch and sits herself right beside Tendo Maya regardless of the lack of space - a clear indication that she isn't intimidated by her in the slightest. Mahiru's shoulders slump just a bit, but she doesn't say anything as she takes her seat beside Karen.
"So!" Karen squeals. "Mahiru-chan, you said you've been practicing with Saijou-san these past few weeks after class, right?"
"Y-Yeah…"
"That's awesome! It's incredible you two became friends so quickly!"
"I-I don't know about that…" Her voice comes out in a meek little mumble, because by now Claudine has given most of her attention to Maya.
"I think it's wonderful of you to assist a fellow classmate," Maya says a bit haughtily. "But please ensure it does not come to affect your performance as my dance partner, Saijou-san. It would truly be a shame if your movements became lackluster."
Claudine's jaw drops in mild outrage. She crosses her arms over her chest and glares directly back at her.
"You've got some nerve. Just who do you think I am?"
"Hopefully as good as the rumors say."
"Why, you-!"
Mahiru has never seen Claudine get this flustered before, but judging by her banter with Maya, it seems they must have this sort of teasing conversation quite frequently.
It must be Tendo-san's way of motivating her… I didn't know they already had such a close relationship… But I guess it makes sense. They're partners, after all…
It just feels like, once again, whatever sort of 'special' relationship Mahiru might've had with someone is being eclipsed by their relationship with someone else.
Maybe I'm just unlucky…
She breathes out a soft sigh, but tries not to let it get to her.
For the next hour or so, Mahiru starts on her homework assignments with the others, and they offer their input and opinions to help each other out. At dinnertime, they head to the cafeteria as a group and claim a table, seated together by their roommate pairs.
When they're finished, they head to the communal baths and showers, which is somehow quite entertaining now that they have so many people to their group. Almost everyone sings or hums as they bathe and dry their hair, and it's probably the liveliest atmosphere Mahiru has ever felt.
And at last, they wish each other goodnight and go their separate ways.
Mahiru gives a small wave to the others as she follows Karen down the hall with Junna and Nana heading in the same direction. Claudine and Maya go the opposite way along with Futaba and Kaoruko. Mahiru just considers it a victory she'd taken such a major step in the process of befriending her fellow classmates, so she tries not to let herself feel too dejected.
By the time the two of them reach their room, Karen is already yawning as she limps over to her bed. Mahiru turns off the light and goes to her own.
"That was an eventful day!" she says cheerfully.
Karen makes a fist and pumps it in the air.
"Yeah! It was so much fun! But I'm beat now…"
Mahiru sits down on the edge of her bed.
"Goodnight, Karen-chan."
"Mm, goodnight, Mahiru-chan."
But Mahiru notices that as Karen is saying this, she isn't looking at Mahiru, but rather at the photograph on her desk.
Mahiru sighs out a soft whimper and curls up into her blankets.
That weekend is the first time the eight girls hang out together on a day off.
Once Junna has ensured everyone has completed their homework, Karen suggests playing some card and board games together as an ice breaker.
Mahiru quickly gauges a general idea for everyone's personalities due to this.
Karen, of course, is as energetic and bubbly as ever, and even Nana is quite chipper once she gets comfortable with everyone.
Junna is serious and a bit of a stickler for the rules; not in an overbearing sense, but enough to ensure everyone is having fun.
Futaba gets very into some of the games and isn't afraid to laugh out loud.
Kaoruko is a bit snide and devious, but Mahiru appreciates her ability not to sugar-coat.
Maya is a bit awkward, as though she's never done this sort of thing before, but she appears to be having a good time.
And Claudine is lively and extravagant, creating more than a few enjoyable moments.
Compared to the rest of them, Mahiru herself feels she doesn't stand out at all or add much to the fun, but she does her best to stay engaged.
About halfway through the game, Nana gets up to bake some banana muffins, and everyone is surprised at how incredible they taste. That's when Karen accidentally fumbles her words in her excitement and ends up starting a trend.
"Wow! These smell great!" she says as she accepts one of the muffins. "Banana muffins from Dai Banana-san!"
And everyone chuckles at the sound of it.
"Banana-san?"
"Aijou-han, you butchered her name just a little."
"Banana? What the heck is that?"
"Waah! Sorry, Daiba-san!"
But as Karen throws her head forward in apology (while still miraculously managing to keep hold of her muffin), a smile is gradually spreading across Nana's face.
"Actually… I really like that!"
"Huh?" Karen asks. "Like what?"
"The nickname!" Nana claps. "I've never really had one before. It's cute!"
"Hmm…" Junna mutters, putting a hand to her chin. "You know, it does kind of fit perfectly. Since Daiba-san is so tall and everything."
"Not to mention her hair," Kaoruko adds.
"And she makes us healthy snacks!" Futaba says. "With bananas!"
"I think it's rather fitting," Claudine agrees.
"This is great!" Nana beams. "Hey, hey, maybe it's a little too soon for some of us, but why don't we all start calling each other by our first names or nicknames? Right, Kaoruko-chan?" Nana turns to her with a smile, and Kaoruko turns pink.
"E-Eh? So soon? But I do admit it is sort of nice…"
"Then I'll call you Hoshimi," Futaba says to Junna. "That cool?"
"Eh? S-Sure… Isurugi-san…"
"Haha, take your time!"
"Then I'll call you Futaba-chan and Kaoruko-chan, and Banana!" Karen announces. "As for Hoshimi-san… what about Jun-Jun?"
"E-Eh?" Mahiru pipes. "A nickname already?"
"Yeah! Isn't it cute?"
"It is…" Mahiru admits, just the faintest bit jealous.
From there, the girls go around calling each other by what they're most comfortable calling each other by. A few are brave enough to go straight to first names, but for the most part everyone but Nana addresses Maya by her last.
Mahiru feels a bit of a trill every time one of them calls her by her first name, but not quite so much as when Claudine says it.
"Is 'Mahiru' all right?"
Mahiru feels a warm sensation wash through her. Claudine didn't use honorifics for anyone else either, but for some reason hearing her say Mahiru's own name like that too makes it feel special.
"Y-Yes!" she pipes. "Th-That's fine! Ah, b-but what about you, Saijou-san?"
"Indeed it might sound a bit strange to call her by her first name," Maya says. "Ah, but I apologize. I don't mean to sound rude."
"It's fine," Claudine says. "I don't think 'Claudine-chan' is the easiest thing to say."
"Hmm…" Nana puts a finger to her chin. "Then a nickname is probably best."
"Oh!" Karen raises her hand high. "How about Kuro-chan?"
Everyone perks up a bit.
"That sounds nice."
"Easy enough."
"What do you think, Saijou-san?"
Claudine nods her approval instantly.
"Tres bien! It's cute!"
"Kuro-chan it is, then!" Nana says.
"Kuro-chan!" Karen sings. "Kuro-chan, Kuro-chan!"
"Kuro-han," Kaoruko says.
"Or just Kuro, even," Futaba adds on.
Maya and Junna decide to stick to her last name with honorifics, but at last Mahiru tries out Claudine's nickname.
"Kuro-chan!"
It makes Mahiru happy to say it, and it's nice to see that Claudine loves it as well.
And so Mahiru, as well as the other girls, have grown a little bit closer.
In the following days, Mahiru and all the others begin addressing one another by their new nicknames or with less formality, which is something she never thought she would be doing - at least not so soon.
It's all thanks to Karen and her outgoing personality, and her ability to draw people in to her rhythm and make them feel comfortable.
And they'd all even exchanged phone numbers as well.
Mahiru owes a lot to Karen in the short time they've known one another. So as thanks, one day Mahiru offers to show her some of her baton twirling.
"Baton?!" Karen blurts. "I didn't know you could do that, Mahiru-chan!"
"Y-Yeah… I did it a lot back home. I even won a few competitions…"
"What?! That's amazing! Show me, show me pleeeease!"
"All right!" Mahiru paws through her belongings, glad she'd decided to take along her baton after all. She just shows Karen some very basic twirls and catches, but Karen is absolutely enthralled.
"Wow! That's incredible, Mahiru-chan! You're so cooperative!"
"Do you mean coordinated?"
"Yeah! That! It's incredible!"
"Th-Thank you." Receiving such praise from Karen makes Mahiru wonder if Claudine might be interested in seeing her baton-twirling as well.
Therefore, on their next designated practice day, a Tuesday, Mahiru brings her baton with her after classes to the little studio.
I hope Kuro-chan will like my twirling!
But when she arrives at their studio, Claudine hasn't arrived yet, so Mahiru opts to do some practice while she waits. Even though it's been a little while since she'd gone through a whole routine, her body still remembers it all perfectly, and she's able to go through the motions without much effort at all.
But after about ten minutes of warming herself up, Claudine still hasn't arrived. Mahiru considers texting her, but she doesn't want to seem pushy.
Something might've come up for her… Or she might've forgotten…
She doesn't like to think that way, but she can't help it. It wasn't difficult to see that Mahiru was the one who stood out the least in their group, and would likely be the most forgettable person.
But Kuro-chan wouldn't forget!
She wants to have more faith in her friends.
So Mahiru practices for a few more minutes, but still Claudine doesn't come, and she can't help but start to feel a little dejected. With a sigh, Mahiru puts her baton away into her bag and heads for the door.
I'll just try again on Thursday, I guess.
After closing the door behind her, Mahiru starts off down the hallway. As she passes by the main studio, she can hear the sounds of dance shoes tapping on waxed wooden flooring.
I wonder if it's Tendo-san…?
Not wanting to distract whomever is inside, Mahiru approaches the door quietly and peers in.
And to her surprise, it isn't Maya, but Claudine.
Dressed in her white track suit, Claudine is going through the motions of one of the dances they'd been taught in class earlier that day.
Mahiru is more relieved that nothing bad had happened to prevent Claudine from meeting with her than she is sad about Claudine not coming for their designated meetup. She remains quiet as she watches her for a few moments.
Even without being in the center of the class with everyone's eyes upon her, Claudine still puts her full effort into every single thing she does. Every turn is either as smooth or as sharp as it needs to be, every extension of her arm or rise of her leg is flawless, every leap and landing is second-to-none. Mahiru is absolutely spellbound.
She's so beautiful…
Not only as a dancer and an actress, but as a girl as well. Judging by how ruffled her clothes and hair are, and the glistening of sweat on her skin, Mahiru can assume she's been practicing alone like this for quite some time today. Every time Claudine finishes the dance, she mutters something unsatisfactory to herself and starts over. Mahiru can't fathom what she could possibly think is lacking about her technique. To her, it looks absolutely perfect every time.
I guess this is what it means to be one of the top students. Even her best might never be good enough for her…
Mahiru doesn't want to be strange and watch her for too long, so she slowly takes a step back.
But just as Claudine is going through her next spin, she lets out a sudden gasp as her balance sways. Mahiru's heart catches in her throat as she watches Claudine collapse to the floor, just barely catching herself on her hands and knees. She can't stay put now.
"K-Kuro-chan?!"
Mahiru rushes forward into the room, dropping down beside her. She puts a hand on Claudine's back to feel heat wafting off of her, and she's breathing extremely hard. Mahiru panics.
"K-Kuro-chan? Kuro-chan!"
Claudine doesn't seem to understand what's happening right away. Wincing, she lifts her face and blinks blearily past the sweat.
"Mahiru…?"
"I-I was just passing by and I saw you collapse! Are you okay? Sh-Should I go get the nurse? H-Here, have some water!" Mahiru scrambles to unzip her bag and pull out a half-full bottle. "I-I drank from it earlier, but please have the rest, Kuro-chan!"
"Yeah… I guess I should…" Claudine sits up and accepts the bottle, wiping her sleeve across her forehead before taking a sip. Worriedly, Mahiru rubs her back for her, looking around frantically and wondering if she should call for help. When Claudine has finished drinking she lets out a long sigh. "Sorry about that. I'm all right, Mahiru."
"A-Are you sure?"
"I just got a bit dizzy, that's all."
"A bit? I've never seen you collapse like that before!"
"I'm fine. I promise." Claudine offers her a smile, and Mahiru's heart twinges in a pleasant kind of way. She trusts Claudine's words. Drawing in a deep breath, Mahiru lets out a sigh as well.
"Okay. If you're sure…" She takes the empty bottle back from her and tucks it into her bag, giving Claudine's back a few more pats. "Does anything hurt?" she asks. "Do you think you can get up?"
"Nothing hurts. Je vais bien! But what brought you here, Mahiru-?" She gasps when the realization hits her. "Ah! I was supposed to come meet you, wasn't I? I completely lost track of time! I'm so sorry, Mahiru."
"I-It's okay."
"You should've texted me! Were you waiting all this time?"
"N-Not really. I-I wasn't sure if you were doing something important, so I didn't want to bother you…"
"Nonsense!" Claudine looks into her eyes in earnest. "I made a commitment to you, Mahiru. If something came up and I couldn't make it, I'd tell you or text you as soon as I could. But today you probably thought I forgot, right? And for what? Because I was over here not paying attention to the time? I'm sorry."
"I-It's okay! Really! B-But I think we should skip our practice today anyway. You should get some rest, Kuro-chan."
"You might be right," she sighs. "Is there anything you wanted to go over that we could run through quickly?"
Mahiru bites her lip a bit.
"W-Well actually… there's something I sort of wanted to show you…"
Claudine blinks. "Show me? Of course! I'd love to see it, Mahiru."
"O-Okay… Here, let me help you up first."
Mahiru puts an arm around her and cautiously helps Claudine to her feet. She's a bit wobbly at first, but Claudine manages to find her balance on her own in just a few seconds. Even so, Mahiru brings her over to the side of the room to lean back against one of the balance bars. Once she's sure Claudine is all right on her own, Mahiru opens up her bag and pulls out her baton. Claudine tilts her head.
"A baton? I didn't know you practiced that."
"Yeah… I did it a lot back home, actually. My grandmother always loves to watch me."
She starts off with a basic one-handed toss and catch, then begins juggling it between both hands while gradually increasing the height at which she tosses it.
Claudine watches in amazement. Mahiru wonders if that's what she looks like while watching Claudine dance.
Next, Mahiru starts to spin and twirl her body while tossing the baton, even incorporating a bit of dance into it as well. But she doesn't want to seem like she's showing off, and she also wants to make sure Claudine can get back to rest soon, so she only does about a minute or so of baton before finishing off with a high toss that nearly brushes the ceiling. Mahiru gives a sharp, clean 360 spin and catches it perfectly on its way down, then leans down into a bow. Her audience of one bursts out into applause.
"Wow! Mahiru, that was amazing! Incroyable! You could be a professional!"
As Mahiru comes up from her bow, her face becomes warm from hearing such praise.
"I-I wouldn't go that far…"
"I mean it!" Claudine insists. "Your technique is beautiful! I don't think I've ever seen you quite so confident before! It was marvelous!"
"K-Kuro-chan…" Mahiru puts her hands to her face, giddy and bashful and humbled all at the same time. "A-Actually, there's a competition coming up in about a month. I wanted to enter, but I figured I probably shouldn't push my luck…"
"Push your luck?" Claudine asks. "Whatever do you mean?"
"W-Well, I already got into Seishou by some miracle, a-and I made such amazing friends… I've been having such a great time here, I don't think my luck would extend as far as letting me do well in a competition, too…"
"What are you saying?" Claudine shakes her head. "What's this 'by some miracle'? You think you got accepted here because of a miracle? You think it was luck that you made friends? You couldn't be more mistaken, Mahiru." Claudine steps up to her and reaches out to take one of Mahiru's hands. "Miracles and luck had nothing to do with it. You got into Seishou because you worked hard and persevered. Not just anyone gets into this school because of a miracle. Life isn't that sweet. And no one makes friends out of luck. You got close with everyone because you're caring and fun, Mahiru! Everyone loves you!"
With every word Claudine says, Mahiru starts to feel more and more lightheaded.
"E-Eh? K-Kuro-chan-"
"I mean it, Mahiru. Don't sell yourself short like that. Everything you've achieved so far is something you've earned through hard work or from just being a good person. It's really as simple as that. At least, that's what I think. You may not be confident enough to see your own merit, but everyone else can."
"K-Kuro-chan…"
Stop… you can't say things like that... because in reality, I'm such an awful person…
"You're a wonderful person, Mahiru." Claudine hushes Mahiru's thoughts and pulls her into a soft hug.
Mahiru can't hold it back any longer. With a soft wail, she breaks down crying into Claudine's shoulder. Claudine doesn't know anything about all of the messy, twisted feelings Mahiru harbors; her fickle crush on Karen, her ruefulness of Hikari whom she'd never even met, and her hatred of herself.
And then there were her feelings for Claudine, thinking she was just 'being nice' out of pity, feeling jealous about Claudine's partnership with Maya, and so many other ugly emotions. To think Claudine could like her and support her this much without knowing all of those things makes Mahiru feel equal parts guilty and hopeful.
Dropping her baton, Mahiru reaches her arms up and clings onto Claudine's back to return the embrace. Even though Claudine knows nothing of her darker side, she'd still somehow managed to say everything Mahiru never knew she needed to hear.
And as she cries into Claudine's hair, Mahiru finally succumbs to the realization she'd known for weeks now.
How Claudine didn't make her heart race, but rather put her at ease.
How she was the one Mahiru looked forward to seeing the most.
How she was the most beautiful, dazzling, and charming person Mahiru had ever met.
It's different from how she'd felt about Karen, and she understands that now.
I'm sorry…
Mahiru clings to Claudine, fully knowing she has no right to do so.
I'm sorry, Kuro-chan… but I think I'm in love with you…
A/N: At last she realizes/admits it to herself! Something I'd really wanted to focus on in this story was Mahiru's 'darker' side and thoughts, especially jealousy towards both Hikari and Maya. I think everyone feels jealous about people when they have no real right to, but it just can't be helped. Not acting on it and keeping it to yourself might make you seem like a nice person to everyone else, but only you yourself know those distasteful feelings and you have to deal with it.
Now Mahiru knows her feelings for Claudine are different than how she'd felt about Karen... How is this going to affect her?
Please review!