A/N: So I have this amazing friend on Twitter who helps me come up with fic ideas, and who loves Rolivia just as much as me. And this chapter is a result of her beautiful mind inspiring me. Therefore, I take no credit for the original idea behind this. Only the words I chose to use.
I always put a lot of emotions into my fics, but this one surprised me. I didn't know how deep this would go. And now that it's finished, I realize that I definitely could've turned this into a multi chaptered fic, and maybe that's what I should've done. But here we are. One very long, painful chapter that hopefully will also feel like an important, healing piece of Amanda's journey.
(I had to take some creative liberties with this one, to make it work, but I hope it doesn't ruin the story.)
Soundtrack: Beth Hart - Leave The Light On.
TW: The Patton storyline. Rape/Violence/PTSD/Gambling addiction (detailed description of sexual assault) By now, most of you know who I am in the gc, and I want you to know that my DMs are always open if you need to talk.
Dedicating this to every single survivor out there, especially those who never got justice, and that includes myself.
Leave The Light On.
"I've seen myself with a dirty face,
I cut my luck with a dirty ace.
I leave the light on,
I leave that light on."
"Watch the game last night?" Fin asks, peering up from behind his screen.
"No, some of us were actually working, sergeant." Amanda responds, one eyebrow raised as she looks at him before turning to look at Kat, rolling her eyes jokingly.
"Working, huh?" He chuckles. "Does that include a late night visit to someone's office in the courthouse?"
Her heart skips a beat then, but before Fin can catch her reaction, she forces a sly smile. "Actually… yes."
His eyes widen instantly in response. "Really?"
"Mhm…" She nods, leaning back in her chair while folding her hands behind her head. "Didn't you hear? I'm having a steamy affair with Judge Thomson." The obvious joke triggers a snort from the younger detective sitting next to her.
"She's like 85 or something!" Fin exclaims, looking like he's just not 100% sure if his blonde colleague is being serious or not.
"That's right." Amanda winks. "Like I said, it's steamy."
She's about to change the subject when Olivia appears in the doorway to her office, unusually pale looking as her eyes meets Amanda's.
"Rollins, can you come in here, please?" She smiles, but the blonde knows her well enough to notice that the smile on her face is not coming from anything good.
"Busted." Fin calls out as she walks past him.
"Guess someone spilled the beans on me and Thomson, huh." She mumbles next to him while moving towards the captain's office where Olivia is already seated behind her desk.
"What's up, Liv?" Amanda quips lightly, despite the other woman's odd demeanor.
The thing is, every time she has been called into Olivia's office these last few months, she has mentally prepared herself for being caught and called out. For her loving friend to turn into her strict boss and berate her for hiding a serious relationship with a man who also happens to be their ADA. It hasn't happened yet, but today might be the day.
And she is determined to pretend that everything is normal, and that she isn't hiding anything at all until both she and Carisi are ready, or, until she's left with no choice. She doesn't like it, but she doesn't like airing her personal business either.
"Can you close the door?" The brunette asks, her face serious, but her voice soft. Too soft for an impending round of scolding, Amanda thinks, eyes trained on the other woman as she closes the door slowly.
"Have a seat, Amanda."
"Ok, now you're kinda scaring me." She rushes over to the chair then and slumps down. "Who died?"
"Something's come up."
"Ok? Tell me." Amanda says, the impatience her voice thick and evident.
"I got a call from Atlanta PD."
Instinctively, her entire body turns rigid in the chair. Jaw tight and her fists clenched in her lap. "And?"
"They arrested your former boss, Patton… for sexual assault."
Suddenly, the room feels maddeningly overheated, making her palms clammy and uncomfortable against her own skin. "Another one?" She hears herself ask, her voice now sounding distant in her ears.
"Another one." Olivia confirms.
She feels the other woman's eyes on her as she gets up from the chair, having the sudden urge to move. Preferably to storm out and pretend this conversation never happened. But instead, she does the next best thing; Pacing back and forth, ignoring how her captain is asking if she's ok.
After a while, she stops, arms tightly folded. "He's not back on the job, is he?"
He might've surrendered his badge, but the good ol' boys club back home is a boys club after all. Everything is possible, Amanda thinks as her stomach threatens to turn on her.
"No." The brunette shakes her head. "No, he's not."
"So what happened?" She asks while sinking back down in the chair, her leg now bouncing restlessly.
"I don't have all the details, but apparently he raped a young woman as she was walking home from a local bar. He… He almost killed her."
"Almost-" Her voice cracks and her breath hitches as those intrusive memories fill her mind. The blood coming from the back of her head, mixing with her hair, the spinning room and the pain between her legs as he groaned on top-
She grants herself three seconds to push the memories away before she channels all of her feelings into her words. "That fucking son of a bitch." Amanda says through gritted teeth, tears threatening to spill. She might've been successful at stopping them if Olivia had stayed seated. But she doesn't. The brunette gets up and moves around the desk, sitting down in the chair next to her.
"They called and asked for the file on detective Taymor, and…"
"And?"
"Your name came up."
And in the end that's the last straw that forces the tears to run down her cheeks. "My name?" She says, angrily wiping the tears away. "How? I didn't testify?"
"No, I know." Olivia says calmly, reaching out to grab Amanda's hand. "But word travels fast."
"So…" The detective sniffles, clearing her throat while staring down at their joint hands. "What do they want?"
"The ADA wants you to press charges, and testify."
Abruptly, she pulls her hand away before moving up from the chair again. "Press charges?" Amanda whispers before finding her voice. "It happened fourteen years ago."
"Which means, under Georgia law there's still one year left until the statute of limitation runs out. He can still go to jail for what he did to you."
"Liv…"
"The thing is." Olivia continues, her voice still soft and cautious. "The girl he raped, she's in the ICU, and they don't know if she's going to make it." She pauses for a moment to make sure that the other woman is still with her, that she's listening. "They have DNA but he's claiming it was consensual and that someone else must've attacked her afterwards. And there are no witnesses. If you press charges, if you testify-"
"I know!" Amanda interrupts loudly, surprising herself with how harsh she sounds. "I know how it works."
"I know you do." Olivia responds, her calm exterior a stark contrast to the detective who is now pacing yet again.
She's not sure how long she keeps moving back and forth, but when she eventually drops down on the captain's couch, she feels absolutely drained. "I don't know if I can do this." Amanda mumbles, cradling her head in her hands.
The tears are back as soon as Olivia joins her and gently places a hand on her back. "I know this a lot." She says, moving her hand in a soothing circle. "Just… Take a couple of days off, to think about it. Don't make a decision right now."
Right now, the only thing she keeps thinking is that there is no way in hell she's doing this. Not when things are finally good. Not when it finally feels like she has found some clear direction in life.
But nonetheless, she feels herself nod.
"And if you need me, I'm here." Olivia adds. "Every step of the way."
Amanda lifts her head then, nodding again while dragging her hands up and down her thighs a few times. "Yeah… Thanks." She mumbles without turning to look at the captain.
"Do you need a meeting? Someone to take you home?"
"No." The blonde says quickly while lifting herself up. "No, I'm good."
"You sure?"
"I'm sure." And then, after a deep breath in a futile attempt to steady herself, she exits the office, and not long after, the precinct.
"There you are." Carisi smiles when she enters the kitchen, face red and glistening with sweat from her run. "Was beginning to worry."
"Took the long route tonight." She says while filling a glass of water, still catching her breath. "Girls asleep?"
"Yup." He confirms as he grabs the last plates from the dishwasher. "Got them down for the night half an hour ago."
"Thanks." Amanda forces a smile before she empties the glass. "I'm gonna take a shower."
But before she can move, his arms have suddenly found their way around her waist and she immediately feels herself tense up in his embrace. "You want company?" He asks next to her ear, leaning down to kiss her neck.
On any other day, his blunt invitation would've caused her to laugh. She would've teased him, kissed him, and let him know with her entire being that yes, she definitely wanted the company.
After all, it's her favorite way to end a good workout; Body spent, but running high on endorphins. Him working her up before soothing her down. Tonight however, it's like his hands on her body makes her skin crawl, like she can't breathe in his hold.
"N-no." She stutters, squirming slightly in his arms until he lets her go. And when she meets his confused eyes, Amanda knows she has two options: Lie, or tell him what happened just a few hours prior in Olivia's office.
"Period." She blurts out, opting for option one while placing a hand over her stomach. "Not feeling very… sexy, right now." To soften the blow, she leans in to place a quick kiss on his cheek. And before he can react, she is already headed down the hallway, quick and hurried steps carrying her towards the bathroom.
It's not that she doesn't love him. Because, god, does she love him. And it's not that she doesn't trust him. But she knows that he will look at her with those eyes, he will, like he always does, love her and comfort her and tell her all the right things.
As flashbacks from that motel room penetrates her mind yet again, she finds herself spiraling into that dark place she thought she had abandoned years ago. The place that tells her she walked into it. Asked for it. That it was all her fault. That it wasn't really a rape. So how can she look him in the eye and believe his words when he tells her how strong and brave she is for facing it once again?
And so, while leaning her head tiredly against the wet tiles, she searches desperately, but finds no obvious way out of this mess.
Ten minutes later, she feels marginally better. All the sweat washed away and finally dressed in clean clothes. Hoping she can avoid his worried stare and prying questions for just one more hour until it's time for bed and she can hide under the covers.
But this is Dominick Carisi after all. Persistent and caring. And oh, he just cares so damn much.
"Want me to heat some of the leftovers for you, babe?" He asks while grabbing a beer from her fridge.
"No, thanks." Amanda mumbles from the couch, absentmindedly running her hand over Frannie's head. "Not hungry."
She's relieved when he sits down on the other side of the sofa. Relieved and heartbroken. Because right now, there's nothing she wants more than to just crawl into the safety of his arms and stay there forever. Stay there and pretend that this day never happened.
Instead, she keeps her eyes trained on the TV, having no idea what the news anchor is talking about.
"Ok, not to sound weird-" Carisi starts, breaking the heavy silence between them, "but you had your period less than two weeks ago."
Eyes slightly narrowed, she turns to look at him.
"I remember because we were watching that movie with the kids, and you cried, more than usual. When I asked if you were ok, you blamed it on hormones."
She moves then, interrupting Frannie's peaceful slumber as she gets up abruptly, heading for the kitchen.
"So suddenly you're some expert on female anatomy?" Amanda scoffs while reaching for the bottle of scotch before finding a glass. "Sometimes we bleed at random you know. It's not always like clockwork."
"It's not about the shower." He cuts in. "But something's off. And you don't need a reason for not wanting sex. You can just tell me, you know that, right?"
Yes, something is definitely off, she thinks while pouring herself a glass of the liquor reserved for tough cases and bad days. And this is, she decides, the very definition of a bad day.
"Did something happen?"
Just like the drink burns her throat, his eyes burn into her skin, and she feels herself slowly losing the fight. She just doesn't know where to start.
"Amanda…" He says then, his voice soft and warm and everything she's been avoiding ever since she walked out of Olivia's office.
She looks at him, this man that somehow has managed to sneak his way into her life, her family, her home and her heart in the best way possible. The only man who has ever shown her what real love is supposed to look like. The one man who makes her feel like she deserves happiness, too.
Hasn't he earned her trust? And her truth? Even when that truth is ugly and messy and everything she has been trying to run away from for years?
With that in mind and tears in her eyes, she lowers her head, needing a moment to collect her thoughts before she opens her mouth to speak. "Something happened." Amanda finally admits, pouring herself a second glass.
Immediately, he sits himself up, making it perfectly clear to her that he's here and that he's listening.
She moves back to the couch then, still maintaining some physical distance between them. And then she takes a deep breath. "You remember my former boss? In Atlanta?"
In the blink of an eye, his expression goes from focused to worried to angry. But before he can say anything, she adds "he raped another woman."
"They need you to testify." Carisi says, as a statement and not a question, scooting himself just a little closer to her on the couch.
"Not just that." Her eyes fall down between them, her fingers restlessly playing with the hem of her sweater. And then she tells him about her conversation with Olivia, albeit a shortened, less emotional version of what actually happened.
"You gonna do it?" He asks after a while.
"I don't want to." Amanda admits. "But if it can help the case…" She trails off, her brain caught up on all the pros and cons she has created and listed throughout the day.
"It could help you, too." Carisi adds.
It's like she can physically feel her walls go up immediately by the sound of his voice, and she leans back, forcing a casual shrug. "I'm over it."
He eyes her then and it's clear that he doesn't really believe her, not when her body language is screaming for him to stay away, to let this go. But again, this is Carisi. He doesn't let things go just like that.
"You know… You never really told me what happened."
"I barely knew you back then." She shoots back before reaching for her glass, emptying it in one generous swig. "And there's not much to tell."
He doesn't respond to that. Not verbally at least. Instead, he tilts his head, wordlessly letting her know that she doesn't have to pretend. That it's ok for her to tell him. To fill in the many gaps she created on purpose the first time she disclosed her story to him.
"He was my boss. He raped me." She finally says, desperate to shut this whole thing down as soon as possible.
"Amanda-"
"What? You know that, and you don't need the details. Trust me."
She eyes her empty glass for a moment before lifting herself up to move towards the kitchen again. And that's when she hears the mumbled "Liv knows" behind her, forcing her to turn around and glare at him.
There's pain in his voice and hurt on his face, but it's the hint of jealousy that triggers her defense.
"Carisi, stop." She says, her voice cold. "Do not turn this into some competition between you and her. Liv is my best friend, and yes, there are things she knows about me that you don't. And there are things I know about her that you don't. And if you think I'm gonna change that just because we're together now, you're wrong."
"Amanda, that's not-"
"If this-" She stops to motion between them, "is gonna work, I need you to respect that."
"I do, Amanda, I respect that, I promise. And I'm not trying to pressure you here, ok? I'm worried, that's all. And I just… I just want to be here for you. I'm sorry."
Maybe it's the look on his face, or that small voice in the back of her mind, or something else entirely. But it still feels like a strange moment of clarity. So she forgets about that third drink, instead moving back into the living room before sinking down next to him. "I'm doing it." Amanda finally whispers, searching his eyes. For what, she's not sure.
"I can come with you."
She shakes her head then. "I love you, and I know you want to support me. But I need you to be here with the girls, ok?" There's a hint of desperation in her voice that she's just too tired to hide. "That's what I need. I can't leave them with my parents again. So I just… I need you to be here for them, so I can do this, for me."
"Whatever I can do." He nods before pulling her in carefully, kissing the top of her head. "Whatever you need."
It's nothing new, the way her heart is pounding in her chest, and the way her eyes can't seem to focus on anything. It's always like this when she's forced to go back home. Been like this since she moved away ten years ago. And this time, her anxiety might be worse than ever before.
She's busy mindlessly scrolling her phone when a pair of suspiciously familiar shoes are suddenly standing right in front of her.
"Liv?" Amanda says after lifting her head, eyebrows furrowed while she looks from the captain and around the busy airport.
"There you are." Olivia smiles, slightly out of breath as she hands her a coffee before sitting down next to her. She makes it sound like they had already agreed to meet, despite Amanda keeping things cold and professional when she had walked into the captain's office a few weeks ago. Simply letting her boss know that she needed the ADA's number and that she would need a few days off work for the trial.
"How… Wh- What are you doing here?"
"I'm not letting you do this alone."
"Did Carisi call you?" Amanda asks without thinking.
"No?" Olivia responds, one eyebrow raised. "Why?"
"Never mind." She says quickly, only then realizing that she was close to spilling her little, massive secret. "Look, you really don't have to do this. I'm a big girl, you know."
"Oh, I know you are. I'm a big girl, too. That doesn't mean I don't need people."
She wants to fight her. God, she wants to push her away, emotionally and physically. Tell her that she wants to deal with this on her own. But more than that, as hard as it might be to admit, she just really needs her friend. And so, she mumbles a quiet "thanks" just as a nasal voice announces that their flight is ready to board.
"Like I said, every step of the way."
Amanda doesn't know how long she's been staring at him at this point, but she knows that as soon as their eyes meet, she snaps out of it. Forcing herself back to reality, making her look at his defense attorney instead.
Back to that fucking wolf of a human who is determined to break her down, piece by piece. And at this rate, he is definitely succeeding.
"And isn't it true, that you went there willingly?"
"Yes, but-"
"And that you agreed to sleep with him?"
"Initially, but-"
"Yes or no, Ms. Rollins?" It takes everything she's got to not lose it completely, and she wonders if the jury members currently staring at her can see how her shoulders are shaking.
Amanda lowers her head then, the mumbled "yes" tasting like bile and vinegar in her mouth.
"And that you were just trying to help your sister?"
"I was." She admits. "I was trying to help her, but I didn't-"
"And there's no proof anywhere? You didn't do a rape kit? There are no photos of the alleged injuries? You didn't tell anyone?"
"I told my squad in New York."
"Several years after it happened." The lawyer comments with a scoff.
"That's not uncommon." She shoots back, for a short moment feeling like this trial isn't about her. That she's defending someone else. But his continued and relentless stabs reminds her that's not the case.
"And here you are, fourteen years later, expecting us to believe you?"
"I-" She's not sure how much she can take at this point, and that's why her eyes find Mr. and Mrs. Dawson in the packed courtroom. I'm doing this for their daughter, she keeps telling herself. I'm doing this for her.
"And isn't it true that you have a track record of lying? You've been addicted to gambling for how long now?"
"Objection." The ADA interrupts. "Relevance?"
"Your honor, it speaks to her history of not telling the truth."
The judge turns to look at her, giving her a stern look in the process. "You may answer, detective Rollins."
"I stopped gambling almost eight years ago." Amanda says, glaring at the attorney in front of her.
"And you want us to believe that?"
"I'm just here to tell the truth."
"And what truth is that exactly? That you said yes to having sex with your boss or that he raped you?"
"I didn't want that."
"No? That's not what he's saying. Sounded like you were a pretty enthusiastic participant."
Amanda flinches at the sound of the loud "objection!" coming from her lawyer, and it takes her a while before she realizes that tears are now running freely down her face. Quickly, she wipes them away, unsuccessful at wiping away the shame that's threatening to eat her alive.
"I'll rephrase that, your honor." He says, holding up an apologetic hand before he turns to look at her again. "According to deputy chief Patton you willingly came to that motel room, you willingly got undressed for him and you willingly had sex with him.
"That's a lie." Amanda whispers, not trusting her voice anymore. "I didn't want that."
"People might find that hard to believe." He shrugs before turning towards the jury, giving them a sly smile. "Especially from someone who has a certain… reputation."
Her vision might be blurred from tears, but somehow she's still able to find Olivia in the crowd, staring back at her. For some reason, she expects to find pity, or maybe even some form of judgement for not being able to hold it together.
But that's not what she sees at all. Even twenty feet away, even through her clouded eyes, she can literally feel the pride that radiates from her captain. And then Olivia gives her a single nod, a nod that speaks volumes. And with that Amanda straightens herself up just as the ADA addresses the judge.
"Cross examine, your honor?" He asks, awaiting an approving nod. When he finally gets it, he moves towards her slowly. "Tell us what you didn't want, detective Rollins."
"I didn't want any of it. I was desperate, vulnerable. My sister was-" Amanda clears her throat, willing her voice not to crack as she continues. "My sister was all I had growing up, and it was my job to protect her. That doesn't mean I wanted to sleep with my boss."
"But you did agree to it?"
"At first." She confirms.
"And what happened that you didn't want?"
"I said yes to sex, because he made me feel like I didn't have a choice. I didn't say yes to having my clothes torn off, to being slapped around, to having my head slammed against the headboard. I didn't say yes to him forcing himself inside of me." She turns to look at her old boss then, keeping their eyes locked while concluding her answer. "I did not want that."
"And when Mr. McCarthy here talks about your reputation, what do you think he's referring to?"
"Probably the way Patton talked about me after the rape. He made it sound like I came on to him, and that I was known for sleeping around."
"And did you? Sleep around?"
"No." She shakes her head, shifting a little in the uncomfortable chair. "I did not."
"And why was that?"
"I was in a relationship."
"And why didn't people know about this?"
"Because-" She stops herself, needing another moment before she can continue. "Because I was in a relationship with a woman."
"And I can only assume that being a woman in Atlanta PD back then was hard enough, but that being openly bisexual-"
"Would've made it unbearable." Amanda cuts in. "I just wanted to do my job."
"You just wanted to do your job." He repeats while addressing the jury before turning around to face her again. "Thank you, detective Rollins. I know this wasn't easy for you."
When she lifts herself up, she can do nothing but pray that her legs will be strong enough to carry her from the stand and out of this courtroom as fast as humanly possible. Preferably without falling to the ground and collapsing in front of everyone.
"Get me out of here." Amanda mumbles as soon as Olivia gets on her feet and starts following her.
For a brief moment she thinks that she might be able to make it to the restrooms, but when her eyes land on the trash can, she knows that she doesn't stand a chance against her upset stomach. In the nick of time, Olivia manages to pull her hair back just as a mix of her breakfast, mostly coffee, spills out of her.
"It's ok." The brunette murmurs, running her hand over Amanda's back repeatedly. "You did good."
She spits a couple of times, groaning when the nausea refuses to leave her body even after her stomach has been emptied completely. "Do you have any water?"
"What do you need?" Olivia asks, eyes worried as she watches Amanda down half of the water bottle in one swig.
"Sleep." The blonde responds simply. "I just want to get some sleep."
And with the captain's hand placed firmly on her shoulder, they finally move towards the exit. "Let's get you back to the hotel."
"You know I don't take no for an answer." He grunts next to you ear. Just a moment ago you were fighting him, but now you feel weak and frail under his weight.
You try to breathe, but he's so heavy on top of you and no matter how much you squirm, he keeps pushing you down. Making it impossible for you to get some much needed air into your strained lungs.
A final, whispered "no" escapes your bloodied lips, just as you feel him enter you. Everything after that is red. Because you're bleeding from the back of your head, there's that faint taste of blood on your tongue and you know that whatever is running down on the inside of your thighs has nothing to do with lust.
So you close your eyes and you wait. Not sure if you're waiting for him to kill you, or just finish. Either way, you give up, while telling yourself over and over again that this never happened. Even before it's done, you promise yourself that you will never tell a single soul. Because no one will believe you anyway.
It's the sound of her own gasp that pulls her out of the unforgiving nightmare, forcing her to sit up abruptly, sweat making blonde hair cling to her neck. For a moment it feels like she's going to be sick again, but there's nothing to get rid off. And she ends up dry heaving instead while moving towards the hotel bathroom.
Once inside the shower, she works to control her breaths. Reminding herself over and over again that she's safe. That it's over. But it doesn't feel like that. It doesn't feel like it's over at all. Not when he still has a chance at freedom. Not when he's still free to visit her in her dreams.
It's that feeling, knowing that whatever happens, no matter what the jury decides, he will always have that hold on her. He will always have some access to her, no matter how hard and how much she fights. Normally, this is where she would remind herself how far she has come. She would remind herself how in reality, he doesn't have any access to her at all. That this is all just a completely natural reaction to multiple triggers.
But tonight? Tonight, all of her defenses are down. Crumpled and left behind somewhere in that godforsaken courtroom.
It would be so easy, she thinks. So easy to leave this hotel room right now, and go searching for that old escape that she knows will keep her mind off all of this, if only for a few hours. It's only one night, right? What happens in Georgia, stays in Georgia? It's not like anyone needs to know.
And so, with tears streaming down her face, Amanda quickly dries herself off, fumbling around for her discarded clothes and getting dressed while also emptying two of the small bottles of vodka she grabbed from the minibar.
She's just about to find her jacket when the sound of her phone vibrating against the bedside table makes her stop. Briefly, she considers ignoring it all together, but something pulls her towards it.
Her breath hitches as soon as she opens the text and the attached picture. "The girls wanted to dress up as their mama today. Hope I didn't wake you with this. We miss you." She smiles through the tears while looking at the photo. Her two, beautiful girls, both dressed in superhero capes, grinning towards the camera while giving two thumbs up.
And suddenly, just like that, the thoughts and the urge she had just a moment ago, are swept away and replaced with something else entirely. She clings to her phone with her trembling hands, letting out an equally trembling breath as she looks at the picture one last time. And then, she moves towards the door.
"Did I wake you?" Amanda asks apologetically when she takes in the sight in front of her.
"A little." Olivia smiles, her messy ponytail oddly endearing. "But I don't mind. Come in."
"Sorry." She mumbles as she steps inside.
"Did something happen?"
"Nightmare." The blonde simply explains. "And then…"
"You wanted to gamble, didn't you?"
"So bad." She admits.
"But you didn't." Olivia says with a simple tilt of the head, followed by a crooked smile.
"I didn't."
A second later she finds herself pulled into the other woman's arms, and only then does she notice how worn-out she is. "I'm so proud of you." The other woman whispers, hugging her even tighter before letting her go. "You must be exhausted."
"Can I stay for a little while?" Amanda asks then, surprising herself with the blunt question. "I mean, if it's ok with you?"
Two hours later, they find themselves sprawled out on the king size bed, reminiscing about the craziest situations their jobs have led them into over the years. She is still wiping away tears from laughing, when Olivia's smile suddenly falters.
"Do you remember when we first started working together?" The captain asks while propping herself up against the pillows. "You said something happened to you on the job?"
"I remember." Amanda nods. "It was during that case with that girl and her uncle, right? Gia."
"You still get the text from her?"
"Every year." She smiles. "I can't believe she's a psychologist now. It's amazing how she turned her life around."
"It's what makes this job rewarding." Olivia responds. "But, listen, I should've asked. When you told me something happened, I should've at least let you know that it was safe to tell me. And I should've told you what happened to me, to make you feel less alone."
"I think it's safe to say that both of our coping mechanisms were a bit messed up back then."
"But look at us now." The brunette says, throwing her arms out and gesturing towards the empty candy wrappers and the tiny bottles of wine.
"Yes." Amanda chuckles lightly. "Look at us now."
"Seriously, though." Olivia reaches out her hand then, encouraging the other woman to grab it. "I wouldn't be here without you."
"I feel the same way."
It's so strange, Amanda thinks, hearing her name being used like this. And as she listens to the forewoman speak, it's like everything is happening in slow motion. Her minor hangover and lack of sleep is definitely not helping, but as she allows herself to lean slightly into the woman next to her, she finds that she doesn't regret a single minute from the night before.
"We the jury-" She hears then, instinctively holding her breath in anticipation while counting the seconds it takes for the woman to continue. "Find the defendant guilty."
She inhales sharply as Olivia's grip on her hand tightens, before she moves an arm around her shoulder. "You did it." The captain whispers.
"Ok" is all Amanda manages to say. Repeating the simple word over and over again as she sinks into the brunette's embrace.
"It's over." Olivia mumbles against her temple. "It's over, Amanda."
She nods, unable to find her words, but after a while, she finds the most important ones. "Thank you, for being here."
"Always."
When she locks herself in, the apartment is dark and quiet, but still strangely inviting. Even though her kitchen is clean and spotless, she can smell Carisi's home cooked dinner. And it puts a tired smile on her face, imagining him with the girls.
She tip toes into the girl's bedroom, placing gentle kisses against their foreheads while whispering deep felt 'I love you's'. Impatient for this night to turn into morning so she can finally hug them.
While brushing her teeth in silence, she looks at herself in the mirror; Taking in her sunken eyes, her tousled hair, briefly wondering if she should just crash on the couch tonight. But it takes her less than a second to realize that the only thing she want and need right now is currently sleeping in her bedroom, and so, that's where she moves.
"Hi." She whispers as she climbs into bed with him, burying her face in the crook of his neck as his tired body wraps itself around hers immediately.
"You're home." He whispers back, turning his head slightly to kiss the top of her head. "I thought you weren't coming back until tomorrow morning."
"I missed you."
They stay like that for a while, clinging to each other wordlessly.
Then, she tells him everything. She tells him exactly what happened in Atlanta all those years ago, she tells him about the trial, about all the triggers and the nightmare and old urges coming back to haunt her. And, all though leaving out a few details, she tells him about how she knocked on Olivia's door instead.
"I'm so sorry, Amanda." He says, pressing her tight against him. "So, so sorry. And I'm so proud of you." She simply nods in response, knowing that he means it, probably more than she will ever be able to fully understand.
"I want to disclose." She confesses after a few minutes. "Tomorrow."
Carisi pulls back to look at her then, looking for any hints of hesitation in her eyes. "Really?"
Amanda smiles tiredly when she sees that genuine expression of relief on his face. "I'm so done with secrets."
"No more secrets." He agrees, pulling her back in, back into the safety of his arms. Reminding her once again that she is finally home, right where she is supposed to be.
"God bless the child with the dirty face,
who cuts her luck with a dirty ace.
She leaves the light on,
I leave that light on."
Thank you for reading. Sending you love and strength.