Chapter 44
Clarke sat outside in the cool night air staring at the fire just outside the barracks. It was doing a passable job of keeping her warm, but she didn't care. Things had been going well. Palla kept warning her that the snows were coming, but this was the first night that she actually believed her.
The wall was fixed and the Praha hadn't come back. Palla was preparing to spend the winter at the barracks without Lex. Clarke didn't know what to say to her about that. Part of her was angry with Palla for not spending time with her daughter, but then again, she was glad that Palla was trying to help them learn more about this new planet.
Things weren't ideal, but they were making it work. They used to adapting. They were a highly resilient people. They had to be considering everything that they had survived to just get where they were now. Life hadn't been easy for any of them. This was just another test that they were going to pass.
She could feel something inside her stirring when it came to Palla, but she couldn't explain it. She pushed her, but not to the point of bullying her. It was more of the way that she questioned Clarke. She did things that made her think of the past and what her decisions were. Knowing what she'd been through, she wondered how she would change things or even if she would. The only thing that ever really came to mind was Lexa. She would have done something more to make sure that Lexa was protected from those around her that wished to harm her. She would have found a way to save her.
She stared at the fire and realized that she'd been thinking about Palla and Lexa together. She wasn't really comparing them, but she was. They were so similar it was eerie. Clarke shook off her thoughts. She didn't have time for emotions at the moment. She realized that she had been closing herself off like Lexa had after Costia, but it was more of a self-preservation thing.
She had Niylah and Octavia to help her when the emotions became too much for her. It was selfish and she knew that it hurt Palla when she moved out and into her own set of rooms with the other two women. It made sense for her to take Octavia, but Niylah had been a surprise. At least, she assumed that it was until the night that Palla had caught them close on a log before the fire. They were sitting so close that their legs and hips were touching. There was an obvious intimacy between them and no one but Palla seemed to mind. It was like it was the most natural thing in the world for Clarke to turn to Niylah for comfort. When Octavia joined them later, they laughed, smiled, and talked low amongst themselves. The best of friends leaning on each other as they mourned their losses. But, for Clarke, it had been more.
She just didn't realize how much she was investing in her roommates until she looked into Palla's eyes one afternoon and saw the hurt and pain. She tried to dismiss it because she didn't want to think about what it meant. She was drawn to Palla and that scared her to her core. Because all she could think about was Lexa. She'd been drawn to Lexa in the same manner and she knew how well that turned out. So, Clarke pulled away, but that didn't stop Palla. If anything, it made her more resilient in finding a way to get to Clarke.
"Come to bed," Niylah said as she plopped down beside her.
"I can't. Not yet."
"Still having the nightmares?"
"They've never stopped. They've just evolved. Now, though instead of the face from Mount Weather, I see all those that didn't make it into the bunker."
"That isn't on you, Clarke. It never was. It was never going to be an ideal situation. You and Octavia did the best with what you had. You tried to save everyone. You did your best," Niylah told her.
"But, it still wasn't enough," Clarke answered.
The darker blonde reached up and pulled Clarke's head down to her shoulder. She just held her. This is what Clarke missed between them. Their intimacy went beyond sex and release. It was deeper, but it wasn't quiet love.
"Mochof," Clarke told her.
"Anytime," Niylah replied.
"Have you talked to Octavia, lately?"
"No, not really. Anytime that I do, so closes up so tight that you would think she as the bunker. I don't know how to reach her, Clarke. I'm afraid that she isn't dealing with everything now that we are here. I know she and Bellamy are still working out their differences, but this is deeper than that."
"Oh, I know. I get it. She watched me run and realized that it did me no good. Now, she is trying to deal with it on her own because she doesn't want to appear weak. She doesn't want me to think less of her. I don't. I never would," Clarke lamented.
"I used books in the bunker, but I have nothing to give her. I try talking to her in Trig, but she just looks at me with those sad, green eyes. It is like she's trying to bury part of herself in order to move on. She doesn't understand that she needs the beast. She'd going to have to feed it or it will destroy her. It is consuming her," Niylah told her.
"I know. She's dealt with everything with Bellamy. She fought back to get back to where she wanted to be physically after I made her sit out while she was getting over the Sticky Sap Sickness. She's like Raven. She gets restless. She needs something to occupy her. On Earth, we were alway fighting for our lives. Here...there is the threat, but we're prepared for it. She had no true outlet. She has no way to deal with the feelings that are eating at her. She tries to talk about them, but Octavia has never been a woman of words but action and physicality."
"That much is true," Niylah said absentmindedly.
"Has she hurt you?" Clarke questioned immediately as she turned to look deeply into her hazel eyes to make sure that Niylah wouldn't lie to her.
"No, never. She's just troubled. I could tell you what hurt her the most in the bunker and I know that you wouldn't be shocked."
"It wasn't the Pit," Clarke said as she turned back to stare at the flames.
"No, it wasn't. She saw it as justice. She gave the law and that was the punishment. I know that Bellamy thinks that it was a regular occurance, but it really wasn't. She only held the fights every so many months. Whenever she deemed that there were enough fighters. Over time, she realized that it was bad idea to put so many together to fight, so she changed the rules. Smaller groups meant more winners. More winners meant more survivors. More survivors meant more people to maintain the bunker. But, that wasn't something that she ever questioned."
"What did she actually question then?"
"During the Dark Year, before the soybeans failed and we had no proteins growing, she questioned every day how we were going to survive. She knew that bunker was only made to survive for five years. Your people had tested the tech and worked things out based on the number of people that they thought were going to be in there to survive. She understood that life was precious. She knows more anyone of the Skaikru did because for her, her life was always forfeit. Now, here she was in charge and she had to figure out a way to save almost twelve hundred people. It was a monumental task and one that she wasn't prepare to do. She turned to Kane and your mother."
"I know. Mom told her about the blight on the Ark. It was the reason that we started floating our dead."
"But, she also knew that cannibalism would give them the protein that they needed to survive. Death was the enemy. So, she declared war on Death. I believe that was something that Jaha told her, too. In order to survive, she had to make the people eat. It wasn't easy. Kane even refused. She didn't want to do it. No one did, but in the end, it was the only way that they could survive until the farms could produce again. We had to have protein," Niylah said.
"I know that. I would have done the same thing...maybe...I don't know."
"It helped us dispose of the dead. It helped us to survive. It wasn't something that we wanted. It wasn't something that we set out to do. And, I'll tell you that as soon as we had nuts and beans again, we stopped eating the dead. We still disposed of them because we had nowhere to store them or to bury them. But, I know that is the year that made Octavia crack. It fractured her and I don't think that she's ever let the wound heal."
"Would you?" Clarke questioned.
"I don't know."
"She thinks that she failed me and Madi because of it. When she realized that she was the reason that Wonkru was so broken, she bent her knee to Madi. She knew that she had to back away, but it was more than that. I think she was tired. I think she realized that she could finally just back away and let someone else make all the hard decisions just so she didn't have to, Niylah. And, for her, that was great. Bellamy and I never really got that chance. I don't fault her for that. I can't. We put her in an impossible situation and then abandoned her. She needed us and we weren't there. That is our cross to bear."
"You still need to sleep," Niylah stated.
"I know. I will soon. I promise. You don't have to wait up for me."
"I'm not just waiting for you," Niylah said as she lifted her chin towards the stables.
Clarke looked over, passed the fire, and saw her. Even in the dark, she would recognize the silhouette of Octavia as she moved. She wasn't in the Pins. She was just twenty feet or so passed the fire, on the parade field or sorts between all the buildings. She was doing the movements that Palla had been showing her and Clarke realized what she was doing.
"She's trying to tire herself out."
"What?"
"It is something that I used to do when I was out in the wilderness for those three months. I would push myself and push myself until I couldn't stand. Then, I would find a cave or a burrow or something and sleep until the nightmares woke me. Sometimes I would sleep until morning, but most times I would barely make it to dawn. Survival became a game of how tired could I make myself. Hell, I didn't even stay with you the whole night," Clarke explained.
"I know."
"Do you think that she'll sleep if we stay with her?" Clarke asked.
"I don't know. You could ask her. But, I doubt that she'll want us in her bed with her," Niylah stated.
Clarke just nodded and stood up. She threw a stick that she didn't remember picking up into the flames as she rounded them. She waited until she saw a clear and clean break in Octavia's movements to speak.
"Come to bed," Clarke stated.
"I'm not tired."
"Yes, you are. Come to bed."
"Is that Clarke asking or my Wanheda ordering?" Octavia inquired.
"Whichever will make you do it," Clarke answered.
"I'm not tired."
"No, you are. You are just too chicken shit to admit that you are having nightmares. I know what it is like. I want to help, but I can't do that if you are going to spend all your time out here trying to make yourself so tired that you won't dream. Trust me, I've done it. It will only work for so long."
"You know the fire in my blood from the Sticky Sap?" Octavia probed.
"Not personally, but from your whimpers and such, I can imagine."
"It brought back so many things...things I don't want to remember, Clarke."
"I know, O. I get it. But, come to bed. Let us help you fight the demons in your mind," Clarke offered.
"Your Mom told me."
"Told you what?" Clarke asked, because honestly she didn't know. There were so many things that Octavia needed to know that she couldn't pin it down to just one thing that her mother would tell her. She just watched her guard as she started moving again.
"I know that Kane is my father," she replied and then came to a complete standstill as she turned and stared at Clarke. "He killed my mother for having me. He floated her, but once upon a time, he cared about her enough to make me. She also told me that he never knew. How could he have not? Did he just fuck my mother and leave her? I know what her reputation was, Clarke. I'm not stupid. I know she did it all to protect Bell and me, but Kane..."
"I'm sorry. I don't know what to tell you. I wish I did. I wish that Kane was down here so you could confront him about it, but he isn't. And, honestly, Jackson isn't sure that he's going to make it. Mom's worried about him, too. I heard her say something about bringing his entire chryo unit down, but that would be something that Mom, Raven and Jackson would have to deal with."
"Twenty-five years, Clarke. I didn't know who my father was for twenty-five years and I still don't. That man...I don't know him. He doesn't know me. He is my last link to an honest family besides the Jusgona, you and Madi, that I don't know how I feel about him."
"Do you want to care about him?"
"Part of me does because he is my father, but the part doesn't because of everything that he put me through on the Ark."
"But..."
"He didn't know. I know that, but that doesn't change the fact that he is my father and he floated my mother. I can't even wonder if he had any indication that I was his because he was attacked before we launched. He was dying when they put him into chryo, Clarke. My father is up there in orbit, possibly, mostly dead, and there isn't a damn thing that I can do about it."
"I know."
"I didn't want this life. I never asked for it. I never asked to be born, Clarke. And, all I have suffered is because I had to become the 'girl beneath the floor.' I never stood a chance because my mother was afraid of what he might do if he found out about me. I don't know if I can reconcile that. I don't know what I am supposed to feel anymore, Clarke. I don't know that I do feel anything," Octavia told her.
"You don't have to feel anything, but whatever you do, just know that it is right for you. I can't tell you how you are supposed to feel, O and I wouldn't dream of trying to make you. But, I know that you feel things and I know that it is deeply. Don't close yourself off from us. If you need to be angry, be angry. If you want to cry, I have two good shoulders for you to use. But, I'll be damned if I am going to let you put up those walls that you built in the bunker to hide behind when the emotions of everything became too much. No matter what anyone else tells you, O, it is okay to break and bend. I learned that the hard way and it almost cost me my life...twice. Please, if you need strength, take mine. Come upstairs and to bed. I'll hold you and keep the nightmares away."
Octavia looked at her. She knew that Clarke was right. They were both broken, but they had survived. They could talk to each other. They could break in front of each other and it wouldn't be consider weakness. This time, she knew, that they were going to support each other no matter what and it was that reason and the conviction burning in Clarke's azure eyes that made Octavia take her hand and be lead to her own bed for the night.