A/N: I was supposed to post a… different chapter before this one. But this idea got stuck in my head and then I just couldn't stop writing it. I am so sorry for what you're about to read. Bringing something more lighthearted next time, I promise.
TW: Miscarriage.
'Cause time wasn't in our favor…
Legs in the air, propped up against the headboard, Amanda Rollins finds herself feeling unusually giddy. Maybe it's all the oxytocin working its way through her body. That post orgasmic bliss that she's always left with after sharing yet another passionate moment with the man who's currently moving around in the kitchen.
Maybe it's the oxytocin.
Or. Maybe it's the fact that she finally gets to do this the right way. Not that she ever, not for a second, regrets her first two pregnancies. But there's something about finally being able to do this the conventional way that makes her feel strangely at ease.
Never in a million years did she ever think that she wanted anything close to conventional, but here she is, being the kind of woman who texts her fiancé in the middle of the day that they need to go home during their lunch breaks because she's ovulating.
More specifically, she had texted him "Wanna make a baby and then have a sandwich with me?" And not long after, they had stumbled inside their new home, feeling like a pair of naughty teenagers skipping class.
It's such a contrast to how Jesse and Billie were conceived and carried into this world, she wonders how it's possible to be lucky enough to get to experience both: That initial shock and surprise and the feeling of getting her life turned upside down. And now this.
The planning, the timing, forcing herself to be patient the first times it didn't work. Reminding herself that she has passed a certain age, that nature is just taking its time.
Because first, there was the negative test. Fingers tapping restlessly against the bathroom counter as she kept staring at the little stick in front of her. The next time, she got her period two days early and there was no need for a pregnancy test at all. And both times she had shed a few frustrated tears, dreading to tell Carisi the news. And both times he had held her, kissed her and said all the right things. Reminding her over and over again that she's more than enough, and that they'll keep trying as long as she wants to.
But this time, her gut is telling her that it worked. She doesn't know why, but for some reason she firmly believes that the two of them just made a baby together. And for now, she's happy to stay in her optimistic bubble. And then in a couple of weeks she can deal with the disappointment if they were yet again unsuccessful.
"You doing ok, babe?" He asks when he joins her in the bedroom, placing the plate he's carrying on the bedside table before reaching over, handing her a freshly made smoothie.
"I'm great." Amanda smiles tiredly, lifting herself up on her elbows to grab the glass filled with some mix of bananas and mangos and strawberries. "Mm, even better now."
"Good?"
"So good." She lets out a sound of approval after taking a second sip. "Thank you."
Clearly pleased with himself, Carisi drops down on the bed, pressing his lips against her bare stomach. "Just keep swimming." He mumbles a few times, making her giggle when his breath tickles her sensitive skin.
"What are you doing?"
"Telling my boys to put in the work." Carisi says, grinning up at her before placing another kiss against her belly. "You're doing great, guys." He adds, making her laugh again.
She is pacing back and forth in the kitchen when she finally hears the key being turned around. Realizing then that she hasn't been this nervous since she placed her hand on Carisi's chest and leaned in to kiss him for the very first time.
It's not a bad feeling, though. The way her stomach flutters along with her heart. It's a reminder that in just a few months she'll be feeling a different kind of flutter; That wonderful sensation of a tiny person growing inside of her.
"Hey, you're home." Amanda smiles when he joins her, trying to hide the nervous tremble in her voice.
"I'm sorry I missed the girls." He places a quick kiss against her forehead. "I just couldn't get away. This case-"
"Carisi, it's fine." She interrupts, her voice soft, knowing how the guilt of spending too much time at the office sometimes consumes him completely. "You'll see them in the morning."
He gives her a tired and grateful smile before his eyes start to wander around the kitchen, landing on the lidded casserole on top of the stove. "Have you eaten?"
"Well…" Amanda says, a playful expression spreading across her face. "Let's just say I have something in the oven."
"Babe, I hate to tell you, but the oven isn't even turned on."
And that's when she takes his hands and place them on her stomach. Eyes glistening with tears as she looks up at him. "Not that oven."
"Wait…" He looks down at their joint hands, tears quickly welling up in his eyes, too. And when he lifts his head to look at her, she's nodding, face glowing from her bright smile.
"Are you sure?"
She turns around then, and lifts the lid off the casserole, revealing four positive pregnancy tests inside. "Pretty sure." Amanda grins while taking in the expression on his face, quickly finding herself wrapped up in his arms. "Welcome home, dad." She mumbles against his neck, tears staining the collar of his shirt.
He's usually laser focused while in court. Like the only thing that exists is the case, the jury, the judge and the person taking the stand.
But today his eyes keeps shifting back to the woman sitting a few rows behind the victim's family.
Because something's off. He could've tried to convince himself that it's just his gut playing tricks on him because he's nervous about the case, but Amanda looks pale and unusually tired. Nearly six weeks along that's to be expected, but she also looks like she's in pain.
And if there's one thing he doesn't handle well, it's seeing his future wife in pain.
He breathes a quiet sigh of relief when the judge finally orders a fifteen minute recess. Eyes immediately searching for Amanda who is currently leaving the courtroom with hurried steps, Olivia following closely behind her.
"Hey, you ok?" He asks when he finds them standing outside in the bustling hallway, voice laced with worry as he places a gentle hand on her shoulder.
"Yeah…" Amanda waves him off, but she's unsuccessful when she tries to hide her discomfort. "Just morning sickness."
"You sure?" Olivia adds, her hand landing on the other shoulder. "You look pale."
"I'm sure. But I think I'm gonna head home for a few hours, sleep it off."
It takes a couple of minutes and both the ADA and the captain to talk Amanda into letting Olivia drive her home, but in the end she finally gives in. Promising Carisi to keep him updated.
"Can I get you anything?" The brunette asks when they enter the apartment thirty minutes later. "Anything that helps with the nausea?"
"No, I-" A wince interrupts Amanda as she cradles her stomach before she spins around, quickly moving towards the bathroom. Oblivious to how Olivia's sympathetic eyes follow her as she disappears from view.
The captain isn't that worried at first. After all, she got to witness firsthand how the detective's first pregnancies caused absolute havoc on Amanda's body.
But when five minutes have passed and the blonde still hasn't exited the bathroom, her heart starts to beat just a bit faster. And it turns into a rush of worry when she walks towards the bathroom door and hears the shower running.
"Amanda?" She calls out, waiting impatiently for the other woman to respond. "Are you ok?"
"Can you call Carisi?" The blonde finally says from the other side of the door, her voice sounding both strained and forced.
"Amanda, what's going on?" Olivia asks, hand now placed on the handle. When thirty seconds have passed and Amanda still hasn't said anything, she adds a soft spoken "I'm coming in, ok?" before opening the door.
Steam has filled up most of the room, but she can still make out the silhouette of the detective sitting behind the shower curtain. Looking like she's hunched over on the floor of the bathtub.
"Amanda…" The brunette says, slowly realizing what's going on as she moves closer, sinking down on the white tiles.
Carefully, she pulls at the curtain, just a little, giving Amanda time to stop her if necessary. But she doesn't.
Her hair is wet, clinging to her neck and her cheeks as the water keeps running down her back. And the normally tough and resilient detective just looks so painfully vulnerable under the stream, dressed only in her underwear and a white tank top, her head hanging low.
"I'm…" The detective lets out a choked sob before she's able to finish the sentence, lifting her head so their eyes finally meet. "Liv… I'm losing the baby."
The blood and the pained expression on her face already gave it away, but it still makes her breath hitch to hear the other woman say it out loud.
With one hand grabbing Amanda's, she uses the other to fish out her phone from her pocket. "I'm calling Carisi right now, ok?"
To Amanda, the conversation sounds like a blur, like Olivia isn't sitting right next her. But she's alert enough to picture Carisi's face right now, the pain in his eyes, that look of desperation as he tries to figure out how he can get home as fast as possible.
"He's on his way." Olivia says after ending the call, her voice soft and calm as she reaches out to remove some of the wet hair that clings to Amanda's face.
"Ok." The blonde sniffles, wincing again when another cramp makes her head fall forward, using both hands to cradle her stomach.
"Hey, Amanda, grab my hand." The captain says, a little alarmed when Amanda reaches for her and a particularly violent cramp forces her to squeeze Olivia's hand to the point where it feels like she's crushing bones.
"Are you sure you don't need to go to the hospital?"
"No." Amanda protests, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I just… I just need him."
"He'll be here soon." Olivia soothes, adding a whispered "I'm so sorry" when the other woman sobs and squeezes her hand again.
"Amanda?" Carisi calls out, no more than fifteen minutes later. Sounding winded as he slams the door shut behind him.
"We're in here." Olivia calls back.
As soon as the ADA appears in the doorway and takes in the sight in front him, he shrugs off his coat and suit jacket, kicking off his shoes as he moves towards the bathtub while Olivia lifts herself up from the floor.
"I'm so sorry, Carisi." She says with a lowered voice, her hand draped over his arm as she looks from him to Amanda who is now resting her head against her knees. "Call me if there's anything I can do."
"Yeah." He nods stoically without meeting her eyes. "Thanks."
And then as the captain leaves, he pulls at the curtain, heart breaking as he steps inside and lowers himself behind her.
"Hey…" He murmurs, gently wrapping his arms around her. "I'm here." He repeats the words over and over again. Holding her tight as she cries.
"I'm sorry." She says after a while, her body gradually relaxing against his in spite of the water that has now turned lukewarm, bordering on cold.
"Hey, listen, Amanda, this is not your fault. Ok? It happens." Carisi kisses the top of her head, hugging her tight. "You did nothing wrong."
She nods, but he knows that she doesn't believe him. Not yet, anyway.
"What if this was our last chance?"
"If you want to try again, we'll do that when you're ready. But we already have two beautiful, perfect girls, and that's more than enough for me. You know that, right?"
"I just…" She interrupts herself with a sniffle. "I wanted to give this to you."
"Amanda-" He swallows, letting a few of his own tears fall. "You've already given me so much."
Hours later, after getting home from the hospital to make sure that she's physically fine, and after getting the girls down for the night, he kisses her forehead while placing a bowl of soup on the bedside table.
"Think you can eat something?"
She nods tiredly, slowly propping herself up against the pillows before he hands her the bowl.
"Can I get you anything else?" He adds, sitting down next to her, a gentle hand running up and down her leg.
"No." Amanda says before carefully lifting the spoon to her lips, her eyes glossy. "Just be here."
"I'm not going anywhere."