A/N: Remember when I said before the last chapter that my next one would be lighthearted? This is your reminder to never trust me again. I'm not equipped for lighthearted I fear, and this is just sad as fuck, really. I blame the fact that we now have like two hours of daylight where I live, and my finals are in two weeks. Angst/sadness is my outlet. Don't hate me.
The Rainbow Bridge.
It's just one of those rare, perfect nights. Where neither of them has to work late, the girls are sleeping peacefully in their beds, and outside the wind is howling. Making the heat under the covers just a bit more comfortable and alluring.
And speaking of heat.
"You feel so good." He whispers next to her ear, before biting down gently on her earlobe. The sensation causes goosebumps to appear down her arms and she moans softly while turning her head to meet his lips.
She lost track of time as soon as she joined him in bed and he started kissing every single inch of her body. Hands roaming slowly and freely, making her feel so deliciously on edge, over and over again.
"More." She begs, rolling her hips, arching up to meet his hand that's currently nestled between her legs. "Harder."
"You sure?" Carisi asks teasingly, smiling against her open mouth.
"I can't-" Amanda gasps silently when he gives in, just a little. "I can't wait any longer."
He hums then, again increasing the pressure of his fingers. "Like this?"
"Yes." She smiles too, then. Reveling in the way he just knows her body so well. Knows exactly where, how, when to touch her. When to hold back and when to give in.
But she gets nothing more than ninety seconds of her near climax bliss before small and interrupting feet and a sudden hand on the door handle makes Carisi pull away abruptly. And when Jesse enters the room a moment later, they are sitting as far away from each other as possible. Probably looking like two very guilty teenagers.
"Mama?" The little girl sniffles as she walks over to Amanda's side of the bed.
"What is it, baby?" She asks softly, forcing herself not to sound out of breath while clinging to the covers.
"Frannie is sick."
Her eyebrows furrow, both from Jesse's words and the way she's crying. "What do you mean she's sick?"
"She threw up on my bed and it looks funny."
"Ok." Amanda nods, reaching out to gently caress her daughter's cheek. "Let's go check on her, hm?" She gestures for Carisi to hand her the silk robe that had been discarded on the floor a while ago. "I'm sure she just ate something she shouldn't have."
She keeps telling herself this as they walk hand in hand across the hall. But when she sees her dog on Jesse's bed, Amanda instinctively knows that something is wrong. Very wrong.
"Hey, Frannie." She forces a smile, trying to hide the worry in her voice so she won't alarm her six year old. "You're not feeling so good, huh?"
The dog is panting slightly, otherwise lying still on her side. But it's the vomit in front of her that really makes Amanda's heart race.
"Carisi…" She whispers when she hears him enter the room. "Look." She points to the wet patch on Jesse's sheets, hoping that he can see it too, so she won't have to say it out loud.
"Go." He says without hesitation, when he notices the blood. "Get her to the vet, I'll stay here with the girls."
"What's wrong, mama?" Jesse asks then, her cries rapidly becoming more loud and desperate. When Carisi picks her up from the floor, she buries her head in the crook of his neck, staining his white T-shirt with her tears.
While her troubled eyes lock with Carisi's, she gets up from the bed and carefully rubs Jesse's back with her hand. "I'm gonna take Frannie to the doctor, ok?"
"Is the doctor gonna make her feel better?" The little girl asks, turning her head a little to look at her mother.
"Yeah." Amanda smiles sadly, hoping and praying that she's not lying.
Her leg is bouncing restlessly as she sits in the waiting area, occasionally checking her watch and alternating between sitting down and pacing back and forth. It's maddeningly quiet and it feels like hours since she first brought Frannie in. When the vet finally comes out to see her, she tries as hard as she can to ignore that look on the other woman's face. But ignoring it only helps for a couple of seconds.
"I'm so sorry." The veterinarian says, her voice quiet and soft. "But the way things are looking right now, I would recommend putting her down."
Amanda feels herself shaking her head repeatedly, refusing to believe the words coming from the woman standing in front of her. "No, but-"
"Treating her now-" She interrupts gently, "will only add more pain. Had she been a few years younger I would've done it, but not-"
"I can't-" The blonde swallows a sob, looking around the nearly empty clinic as if someone is going to magically appear and say that they can save her. "She was fine." She hears herself whisper.
"I know how painful this is." The other woman tilts her head, reaching out to rest a hand on Amanda's shoulder. "You've had her for a long time, huh?"
"Forever." Amanda says then, because that's exactly how it feels.
"Listen, I've given her something for the pain, and you can go in and stay with her a while before we go ahead with the procedure. Maybe there's someone you need to call?"
The phone call with Carisi is a complete blur and she's pretty sure she doesn't get a single word out when he picks up. But a moment later it doesn't really matter when she's pressed up against him, crying against his neck. "I can't." She says. "I can't say goodbye."
"Let's go." He mumbles, kissing the top of her head. "Let's go see your girl."
She can barely see anything through the fog of her tears, but she's convinced that her dog has never looked more beautiful than she does right now. Even in this sterile room, lying on the table, eyes barely open. "Hey, baby." Amanda says, her voice raspy and strained. "I'm here."
"I'll give you a moment with her." The vet says carefully before leaving the room.
Amanda looks from the door, to Carisi and then her eyes land on her dog. It takes her a while to find her words, and for a while she just rests her head on top of Frannie's, carefully running her hand up and down her body. But when she finally opens her mouth to speak, she finds it almost impossible to stop.
"You were there when no one else was." She cries, placing several kisses between Frannie's eyes and on her nose. "I wouldn't have made it without you." She moves the kisses to the top of her head then. "You are so loved. We're gonna miss you so much. You are so, so loved, do you hear me?" When Carisi starts rubbing her back in earnest, she lets the countless sobs flow out of her without any attempt at stopping them.
She's not sure how long she stays like that, but suddenly the veterinarian is back and she's forced to realize that this is it. So she lifts herself up a little, holding Frannie's paw firmly in her own hand. "It's ok." She says through tears and sniffles. "You can rest now."
"There." The other woman whispers after a while, placing a hand on Amanda's back. "She's gone."
She leans over her again, pressing her face against the soft fur, the same fur she has found so much safety and comfort in for so many years. "I love you." She cries repeatedly. Allowing herself a few more minutes before placing a final kiss against the top of her head. "Goodbye, Frannie."
There's a faint throb in her head and she feels utterly exhausted when they lock themselves in a while later. And when she's met with Jesse's big, hopeful eyes, her heart breaks yet again.
"Where is she?" The six year old asks, looking from Amanda to Carisi and then down to her mother's hand where there's no dog connected to the leash.
"Let's go talk for a little bit." She hands the leash to him before picking Jesse up, hugging her tight while kicking off her shoes.
As they enter the living room, they're met with brown and sad eyes looking back at them. "I couldn't get her back to sleep." Olivia says apologetically.
"It's ok." Amanda mouths, giving her captain a sad smile as she sits down in the chair, cradling Jesse in her lap. "Thanks for coming over so late."
"Mama, what happened?" Her daughter asks then, squirming a little as she leans back to study her mother's face.
"So," Amanda starts, running a hand through Jesse's long hair like that is somehow going to soften the blow. "When we got to the doctor, she told me that Frannie was really, really sick. She was too sick to help her."
"What does that mean?"
"It means that the only way to help her was to make her fall asleep, and-" Amanda clears her throat to hold back the sob that nearly escapes when she looks into Jesse's eyes, "let her go up to dog heaven."
"Heaven?"
She nods, trying a soft smile but failing quickly. "Yes, sweetie."
"So she's not coming back to us?"
"No, honey." Amanda says as a few tears forces their way out, rolling down her cheeks that are already flushed from all the crying earlier in the night. "She's not coming back."
"But-" Jesse squirms again, looking desperately from one adult to the next. "But you said that the doctor could help her! That it was the foods fault!"
"It wasn't, Jesse. It wasn't the food. She was really sick."
"No!"
And just like that, her daughter has wiggled her way out of Amanda's lap and is running down the hall, quickly disappearing into her room before slamming the door shut.
"I'll go talk to her." Carisi says, placing a kiss against Amanda's forehead before he disappears too.
"I'm so sorry." Olivia says as she moves from the couch and over to kneel in front of the blonde, taking her hands and holding them tight. "So, so sorry."
"Thank you." Amanda sniffles, her eyes tired and heavy as she's left to wonder how she's supposed to stop hurting, and more importantly, how she can comfort and help Jesse through this. "I just… This is so hard for Jesse to understand."
Olivia looks from Amanda to the empty hallway, before lifting herself up. "I might have an idea."
"Please." The detective says, throwing her arms out. "Anything."
"Are you ok with going for a little drive with the girls?"
Amanda's eyes widen then, checking her watch before lifting her head to look at the captain. "Now?"
When the only response she gets is a careful shrug, she quickly decides that it doesn't really matter that it's late. If the woman standing in front of her thinks that she can help her daughter grieve, she'll take it. And even without knowing what the plan is, she nods.
She must admit, though, that as much as she trusts her captain, trusts her with her life actually, she is a little confused when they're all guided across a cemetery in the middle of the night. The flashlight on Olivia's phone the only real source of light except for the street lights far away.
"There." She hears the brunette mumble before she stops after walking another ten feet. And then the captain lifts Jesse from her mother's arms before carefully putting her down on the ground, kneeling next to her.
"You see this stone, Jesse?" Olivia asks, moving the flashlight so it lights up the tombstone in front of them.
And that's when a barely audible "oh" escapes Amanda's lips. When she finally realizes where they are.
"This is my mom." The brunette says softly, running a hand over the cold surface.
"Your mom lives here?" Jesse asks, clearly confused.
"Well, not exactly, she's up in heaven."
And that's when an odd expression takes form on the six year old's face. Making her look much older than she actually is. "Like Frannie."
"Yes, like Frannie." Olivia nods, putting her phone down carefully before grabbing Jesse's hands. "And even though she's not actually here, and I can't actually see her, she never really left."
"What do you mean?"
"Because, when I miss her, I feel it here." She holds a hand over her chest. "And I can think about all the things I loved about her, and suddenly she's up here." Olivia points to her head then, giving the little girl a careful smile. "And you can do that with Frannie, too."
"But Frannie doesn't have a stone."
"She will, honey." Amanda cuts in then, kneeling down next to her daughter. "We'll get Frannie a stone, and then we can visit her all the time."
"Promise?"
"I promise."
"And you'll come, too?" Jesse turns her head to look up at Carisi who is still carrying Billie on his hip. "To visit her?"
"Of course, Jesse." He smiles gently.
"And you know what?" Olivia says.
"What?"
"When dogs go to heaven, they go to this super special place called the rainbow bridge. So every time you see a rainbow, you'll know that Frannie is watching over you."
For the first time that night, a smile, albeit small and quivering, spreads across Jesse's face. "I love rainbows."
They stay just like that for a while, the six year old tucked in between Amanda and Olivia as the two women share a few looks. Because the blonde knows that this was anything but easy for her captain. That her history with the woman buried underneath them is a lot more complicated than she made it sound. But Olivia looks strangely at ease, and it makes Amanda realize that maybe they all needed this tonight.
Eventually, when they move to get up and leave, a faint smile almost reaches her eyes when she hears the sound of her youngest daughter's voice as they walk away. "Night night, Frannie."
"Mama?" Jesse whispers an hour later when they're curled up together in bed, Billie and Carisi already fast asleep on the other side.
"What, honey?" Amanda whispers back.
"When aunt Livia's mom went to heaven, was she sad for a long time?"
"Mm." Amanda nods, kissing her daughter's forehead. "She was very sad."
"I'm sad, too."
"I know, me too, honey." She admits, pulling the covers up a little, hugging Jesse closer to her body.
"I miss her."
"I know."
"Will I be sad forever?"
"No, Jesse. You'll always miss her, but you won't be sad forever." She closes her eyes then, letting her tears fall as she tries to comfort herself as much as the little girl who's now resting her head on her shoulder. "Not forever." She whispers, placing a final kiss to the top of Jesse's head. "I promise."