A/N: Just two short, missing scenes from episode 8. That is all.
TW: Mentions of sexual assault.
Are we good?
"You and Fin," Olivia starts, giving a quick nod to Velasco. "Go talk to Jasmine." When the detective hasn't moved after several seconds, clearly waiting for all of them to move, she gives him another nod. "Now."
And just like that, Amanda and Olivia are left alone.
"Where are we going?" The blonde asks, confused when a hand on her back starts guiding them down the hall, in the opposite direction of where Velasco just disappeared.
"Away from people."
"Why?"
But she doesn't get an explanation until the brunette opens the door to an empty stairwell, effectively hiding them away from the crowded and busy corridors of the courthouse. "Because you look like you're about to cry and I'd like to know why?" Her voice is soft, but there's something stern about it, too. Enough to let Amanda know that a simple "I'm fine" won't suffice this time.
"It's just-" She clears her throat, not entirely sure how to continue her response. "It's just this case, you know? It's complicated."
"We work complicated cases all the time." The captain argues with a shrug.
"I know, but…"
"But?"
Amanda leans against the wall behind her then, looking up at the ceiling as she opens her mouth to speak. Doing what she can to avoid the other woman's prying eyes. "It was uncomfortable."
"What was?"
"Watching him in court." She finally admits. "The way he treated her, talked about her, talked to her."
"Carisi?"
"Mm…" Amanda nods, letting her head fall down to look at the floor.
Olivia doesn't say anything for a while, instead waiting for the other woman to continue.
"And look, I know she made some bad choices, but she was still traumatized. And it was like he just forgot about that."
"Well… You know I'm on her side here, but it's his job to forget about that. He didn't have a choice."
"And I know he felt sick about it." Amanda says, finally allowing their eyes to meet. "I know that, but-"
"But you empathize with her, as a victim."
"Yeah."
"And then you had to watch him treat a victim like that." Olivia watches as the blonde starts chewing on her lip, clearly doing what she can to hold her tears back. "And you know how she felt."
She doesn't need her to respond to that, because the expression on her face is all the confirmation she needs.
"Is there anything you'd like to tell me?"
Amanda instantly knows what the other woman is asking. Because she has watched victims being treated like crap on the stand countless times, and it has never affected her quite like this before.
And she's so close to just telling her. Because if she's being honest with herself, Amanda is getting pretty sick and tired of sneaking around like this. It was fun and exciting at first, but now it's mostly just making things a lot more complicated.
Yeah, Liv, there's something I'd like to tell you. It fucking sucked watching my boyfriend do that. To know how much it hurt him. And to feel how much it hurt me.
But like so many times before, she finds herself conflicted. Simply because this isn't just her secret to share or her decision to make alone, and before she can tell her best friend, she needs to know that Carisi is ready, too.
So she does the next best thing; Closing the gap between them as she wraps her arms around the brunette. "Not right now, Liv." Amanda mumbles, her lips curling into a small smile. "But maybe in a couple of weeks."
"Ok, then." Olivia says, letting out a short, resigned sigh. "Thanks for the heads up."
"Thanks for giving me time." The blonde whispers, hugging the captain even tighter before leaning back to look at her. "And thanks for checking in."
And with that, they exit the stairwell and enter the real world outside.
Out of breath, she falls down on her back, face flushed and hair clinging to her neck as she adjusts the underwear they didn't even bother removing when they tumbled down on his bed twenty minutes ago.
Carisi's mumbled "let's get out of here" didn't need much elaboration and with just a look they had opted for his place, marginally closer to the courthouse than her apartment.
And now, sated and satisfied, Amanda turns on her side while wrapping her mostly naked body around his. "Always thought make up sex was an overrated myth." She says while gently running a hand up and down his chest.
"And?"
Amanda looks up at him and grins. "Turns out I was wrong."
He matches her smile, but it doesn't take long before it falters. "Did we, though?"
"Hm?" She arches an eyebrow, suddenly feeling more confused than relaxed.
"Did we make up?"
It definitely would've been more comfortable to just say yes, and let this go. But she quickly realizes that she owes him an explanation. That her words and the hurt look on her face in that hallway revealed to him that this wasn't just about a case. Even if she was too upset to acknowledge it in the heat of the moment, and he was too upset to ask her about it.
"I'm not sad at you anymore." She mumbles. "If that's what you're asking."
"I know there's a but in there."
Amanda shifts a little, moving to rest her head against his chest. "I just… I saw myself in her. I know you were just doing your job, and I'm sorry for giving you a hard time about something I know you hated to do. But it still hurt."
"Care to explain?" He asks, his voice low and soft, ending his question with a kiss planted on the top of her head.
For a while she says nothing, contemplating how she can make him understand without going into too much detail. At least not right now, when they have barely fifteen minutes before they have to leave.
"You know I have a history with gambling addiction." She finally says, her fingers moving in circles just above his belly button.
"Mhm?"
"And you know I had a hard time at my old job?"
"Yeah, you haven't talked about it that much, but I got the feeling something happened."
"My old boss." Amanda continues, taking a deep breath before letting the final and most important admission escape her lips. "He raped me."
She's grateful for the way he doesn't shift, or tense up, or say anything. He simply lays there, patiently waiting for her to go on.
"It's a long story, and I promise I'll tell you everything when we have more time. But listening to you… Talk to her like that-" She pauses for a moment, letting a few tears fall. "It reminded me of how it used to feel. Not being believed, not having support when I messed up because of something someone else did to me."
"I'm so sorry." Carisi murmurs, hugging her body tight against his own. "I've always wondered, but I didn't want to pry. Or I wanted you to tell me when you were ready." He adds another kiss to the top of her head. "I'm so, so sorry."
Amanda lifts her head then, a sad and crooked smile taking form on her lips as she leans in and kisses him. "I know." She says before resting her head on his chest again.
"I'm sorry, too. I know this case was so hard for you. And I know that I didn't make it any easier and that you did everything you could." She wraps her arms around his waist while pressing her lips against his skin. "I'm so proud of you."
They grant themselves another five minutes of comfortable silence and gentle fingers running through hair and over naked skin, until Carisi reaches over to the nightstand to check his phone.
"Wanna go and pick up the girls and have a movie night?"
"Mm." Amanda hums in agreement. "Pizza and sweatpants?"
He chuckles then. "And beer."
"And no bra." She adds while pulling at the one piece of clothing she hates the most, before she adds a playful "at least not for me".
"Since when did we turn into an old married couple?" Carisi asks while swinging his legs over the side of the bed, cracking his neck before reaching for the discarded pants on the floor.
Amanda looks over her shoulder, meeting his eyes as she starts buttoning her shirt. "Since the day we met."
A/N: I know this is short, and obviously the actual Patton conversation deserves a lot more time than this, but I wasn't in the right headspace for that and really just wanted to add these two scenes after being a little disappointed on Thursday. Hope you liked it!