JENNIE

I fling my dirty uniform into the hamper in my bedroom and pull on a long white t-shirt, covering myself, when I hear a throat clear in the doorway, Lalisa's voice a gruff mumble when she says, "Shit, sorry, I was just, uh…"

I glance at her as she averts her gaze, forcing her eyes away.

"It's fine," I say. "You've seen me wear less."

"Yeah, well…" She looks my way again, hesitating, like she's not sure what she wants to say, if she should even say anything. "I wasn't trying to, you know…"

"I know."

Despite not trying to, she sort of does. Her eyes slowly roam, and goose bumps coat my body, a chill creeping along my skin. Things are already weird, and she's making it more nerve-wracking by blatantly gawking. My stomach gets tied up in knots at the look on her face, the slack-jawed awe as she licks her lips.

"Anyway." She clears her throat. "I wanted to say goodnight."

"Goodnight," I whisper.

Lalisa lingers there, eyes continuing to roam. A moment passes before she turns away, making a move to leave.

"Wait."

The lone word slips from my lips. I'm not sure why I say it. I don't even think about it. She hesitates again, meeting my gaze, eyebrows raised with questions I don't know how to answer as my heart thumps wildly with its own questions, like what the heck are you doing? I'm playing with fire, like I don't remember how much it hurts to get burned, but from here, where I'm standing, all I can seem to feel is the warmth.

I don't have to say anything else, which is good, because I'm not sure I could find the words if I needed to. She reaches for me, her fingertips grazing my flushed cheek and running along my jawline. She grasps my chin and tilts my face up as she leans down to kiss me. Her lips are soft, so soft—so sweet and gentle.

She kisses me for a long time, not rushing, not pushing, just waiting. The breath leaves my lungs and all sense disappears from my head as I wrap my arms around her and pull her to my bed.

"You sure about this?" she asks quietly.

I shake my head, because nope, I'm still not sure about any of it, but I don't stop myself. I lay down and she's on top of me. I tug at her costume as she strips me of my clothes. My head is swimming and my heart is racing, and before I can catch my breath, her lips are on mine again and she's pushing inside, already settled between my thighs. I gasp as she lets out a guttural groan, filling me, holding me.

None of it feels real.

Not this time. Not last time.

She moves slow at first, and it's almost agonizing, before she increases her pace, thrusting harder, deeper, shoving my knees up and hitting that spot deep inside of me that makes my toes curl and my body quiver. I moan her name. "Lalisa."

"Like that?" she asks, keeping her rhythm. "Is that how you want it?"

I nod, whimpering as she hits that spot again and again, unraveling the tight knots inside of me as I start to come apart at the seams. "Please."

"You're the queen," she whispers, not stopping as orgasm rocks me. I arch my back, gripping her tightly, nails raking along her shoulders.

Even when it subsides, she doesn't stop. She doesn't slow down. She knows what I want and she gives it to me, over and over, until I'm begging, pleading, and can't take another moment. Only then does she pull back, only then does she change her pace—hitting hard, so hard that my breath catches, a few rough, deep strokes as she groans, coming.

"Fuck," she curses, nuzzling into my neck. She kisses the skin, teeth nipping at my throat. "So beautiful."

The beautifulest woman in the world.

That's what she told Maddie.

That's how she described me.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I hold onto her, hoping she means those words, hoping I can believe her.

"Mommy?"

That's all it takes to draw me out of a deep sleep, that lone word spoken nearby, the quiet voice calling out to me. Maddie. My eyes open, and I blink a few times, getting my wits about me. The room is starting to lighten, the sun rising outside, a soft glow streaming through the window and shining along the wooden floor around the bed.

I think maybe I was hearing things, because she's not in front of me, and I start to close my eyes again when I hear soft giggling. It strikes me then, pieces all coming together as panic floods my system. Clutching the blanket to my bare chest, I sit up abruptly and turn the other way, wide-eyed.

She's standing there, right beside where her dada is sleeping in the bed. In my bed. Crap, she's asleep in my bed, not wearing a bit of clothing, the blanket draped over her. Thank goodness she's covered up—not that it makes this whole thing any better. Maddie's much too young to know what any of this is, but she's got one heck of an imagination, that kid, which could prove dangerous.

I don't want Maddie to get ideas in her head and think this is more than it is… whatever it is.

Maddie pokes Lalisa's cheek before sticking her finger in her ear, giggling again when she grumbles in her sleep and moves around, flailing her hand, trying to ward off the intrusion.

"Madison," I hiss, warning her. She pulls her hand away and looks at me with that 'oh shit' expression, knowing she's busted. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing."

"Doesn't look like nothing."

A smile cracks her face.

Maddie does it again, sticking her finger in her ear. Lalisa's face contorts with annoyance as she shifts position, groaning, "I'm trying to fucking sleep, Sé."

Maddie gasps, yanking her hand back, looking at him with shock. I feel it, that same sensation stirring in the pit of my gut, but for much different reasons. Sé. Rosé. Lalisa thinks it's her. "Dada says bad words!"

The moment she says that, Lalisa's eyes snap open. She sits up so fast she rips the blanket right off of me. Gasping, I grab it, scrambling to stay covered, yanking it back onto me and almost exposing her in the process. She looks at me, wide-eyed, panicked, whispering, "oh fuck."

"See!" Maddie says, reaching over and poking her in the ear. "I heard it!"

Lalisa laughs and pushes Maddie's hand away as she turns to her. "Sorry, didn't know there were little ears in the room."

Grasping Maddie's earlobe, she playfully tugs on it.

"Maddie, sweetheart, why don't you head to the kitchen?" I suggest. "I'll be there in a second to make you some breakfast."

She leaves the room, and I try to slip out of bed, but well, I can feel Lalisa's eyes, and my clothes are too far away to reach. She tries to touch me, her hand on my back, fingertips grazing my spine. I move away from her, taking the blanket with me, wrapping it around my naked body as I snatch up some clothes.

"Jennie? What's wrong?"

"Maddie's waiting for breakfast," I mumble, going straight for the bathroom. I close the door behind me, letting out a long exhale as I pull on my clothes, grumbling to myself. "Stupid, stupid, stupid... could you be any more stupid? Sleeping with that stupid woman after all the stupid crap she's done... what is wrong with you?"

Yanking the door back open, I nearly slam into a body blocking the doorway, lingering in the hall. She had the sense to put on her pants and is still struggling to button them.

"Excuse me," I mumble, averting my gaze, but she's not moving out of my way.

She grasps my arm before I can go past her, her brow furrowed. "Did I do something?"

"I don't know," I mumble. "Did you?"

I try to move away from her, but she steps further into my path. "Come on, don't be that way. Tell me what's wrong."

I hesitate. I want to make some snide comment and storm away, throw a tantrum like a petulant child because I feel so stupid, but that's not me. It's never been me. So whatever, it is what it is, so I say it, no matter how stupid it sounds. "You called her Sé."

"What?"

"She woke you up, and you thought she was Rosé."

She lets go of my arm as her expression shifts to something that looks like pity, and I don't like it.

I leave her there and head for the kitchen, sighing when I see a chair shoved over to the counter, Maddie standing on it, digging through the cabinets. "What do you think you're doing, little girl?"

"Looking for the Lucky Charms," she says as I pull her down and set her on her feet.

"I'm afraid we're all out." I grab a box of Cheerios. "How about these?"

She makes a face of disgust.

"Raisin Bran?"

Another face.

"How about some cottage cheese?"

She pretends to gag.

"Uh, well, how about—?"

"How about I take you out for breakfast?" Lalisa suggests, stepping into the kitchen. "Pancakes, sausage, eggs…"

"Bacon!" Maddie declares.

"I don't know," I say. "I'm not sure that's a good idea, you know, with the whole you being you thing."

"Me being me," she says.

"Yeah, chances are you'll get recognized and then have to explain this whole thing and well, you know, I'm not sure it's worth it for some breakfast."

"But it might be bacon," Maddie whines.

Lalisa hesitates, thinking it over, glancing between us before she says, "I know somewhere we can go."

Mrs. McKleski's place.

Landing Inn.

That's where she takes us.

Maddie and I stand in the woman's foyer in our pajamas, while Lalisa wears just the leather pants from the Knightmare costume. Mrs. McKleski looks at us like we've gone crazy, and I instantly want to be anywhere else in the world, but it's too late, because Maddie's been promised some bacon.

"You want breakfast," Mrs. McKleski says. "That's what you're telling me?"

She nods. "Yes, ma'am."

She stares at her. Hard. I expect a denial, because this whole idea is absurd, but after a moment, she lets out a resigned sigh.

"Fine, but go put on some decent clothes," she says. "This is an inn, Ms. Manoban, not Chippendales. I won't have you at my breakfast table looking like a gigolo."

She cocks an eyebrow at the woman. "Wasn't aware you knew what a gigolo was."

"Go," she says pointedly, "before I change my mind."

"Yes, ma'am," she says, flashing her a smile before turning to me and nodding toward the stairs. "Join me?"

I stare at her, not moving.

She steps closer. "Please?"

"Fine," I mumble, glancing at Maddie, not wanting to cause a scene. "Hey, sweetheart, why don't you have a seat in the living room?"

"Nonsense," Mrs. McKleski says while looking at Lalisa. "She can come help me cook. Teach her some responsibility. Not sure her other parent ever learned any."

Lalisa scowls before again motioning for me to follow her.

"And no hanky-panky," Mrs. McKleski calls to us as we start upstairs.

"What's the hanky-panky?" Maddie asks, following the woman to the kitchen.

"She means the hokey-pokey," I yell down before Mrs. McKleski can answer, because there's no telling how that woman would explain it.

"Oh, I like the hokey-pokey!" Maddie looks at the woman with confusion. "Why don't you wanna play it?"

"Too messy," Mrs. McKleski grumbles. "All that turning yourself around."

Shaking my head, I go upstairs, stalling right inside the room as Lalisa sorts through her belongings to find some clothes.

"I didn't mean it, you know," she says as she strips off her pants, standing in front of me naked. Oh god. I avert my gaze, trying not to look, but I see from the corner of my eye as she tugs on a pair of black boxers. "The Rosé thing… I didn't mean it."

I don't say anything. What am I supposed to say? She pulls on a pair of jeans before grabbing a plain black shirt.

"I'm serious," she says. "I was half-asleep and didn't know what I was saying."

"It doesn't matter," I say, trying to move away, but she stops me, one hand on my arm, the other cupping my cheek.

"It does matter,"she says, making me look at her. "Rosé used to get fucked up on coke and stay awake for days and drive everyone on set crazy. And she'd do shit like that whenever we tried to rest. She played games. So it wasn't that I thought…" She trails off. "I know who I slept with last night. I know who I woke up beside this morning. And I'm sorry I said some shit in my sleep that made you think I didn't know."

I'm still not sure what to say, so I just go with, "Okay."

"Okay," she repeats me. "Just okay? That's it?"

I shrug.

She lets out a laugh. "I guess that's better than nothing."

She kisses me—softly, sweetly, her hand roaming from my cheek down between us, cupping a breast.

I pull away. "No hanky-panky, remember?"

She grins, moving her hand. "Okay, okay… breakfast."

We head downstairs, and as soon as we approach the kitchen I hear Maddie's excited voice rambling about the convention. Quietly, I sit down at the table and listen as she goes on and on about how much fun she had and how great her dada is.

The whole time, Lalisa sits beside me, beaming.

When breakfast is finished, Mrs. McKleski hands out plates, slipping one in front of me on the table before Maddie settles in on my right with her own plate piled high with bacon. Lalisa's comes last, and I stifle a laugh as Mrs. McKleski shoves it at her, the food sloppily thrown on it, her toast burned and bacon extra-crispy.

"Uh, thanks," Lalisa says, picking up a piece of bacon and taking a bite, cringing as it crunches.

"Don't like it? Don't eat," Mrs. McKleski says. "Nobody likes a whiner, Manoban."

She strolls out of the kitchen, and Lalisa watches her as she leaves, mumbling, "All I said was thanks."

"You didn't say it with meaning," Mrs. McKleski calls back at her. "It's no wonder you haven't gotten an Oscar. You're terrible."

I stifle another laugh as Lalisa glares at the doorway.

"Don't worry," Maddie says, munching on a piece of bacon. "You can get the Oscar someday."

Lalisa grins at her. "You think so?"

She nods. "All you gots to do is get better at it."

This time, I do laugh.

"Wow," she says. "I can sure feel the love."

Maddie smiles, not sensing her sarcasm. "It's 'cuz I love you."

Her expression shifts. I see it as those words strike her. "You love me?"

Maddie laughs. "Duh."

Duh. Maddie says that like she's being ridiculous asking that question, like she's supposed to just know, but love isn't something she's had a lot of.

"I love you, too," Lalisa says.

"More than bacon?" Maddie asks, munching on a piece.

"More than bacon," Lalisa says quietly. "More than everything."

Maddie smiles at that and continues to eat her breakfast, satisfied by her dada's answer. My chest aches, my heart feeling like it wants to burst. I sometimes wonder about her words, I question her feelings, her wishes, her wants, but from this moment on, I'll never doubt that she loves Maddie, because I know she means it. I believe it.

We eat breakfast.

They chat. They laugh.

I mourn.

I mourn the years they lost, the time that was wasted, the love that maybe just wasn't quite enough to overcome her demons sooner. Every smile they share today is the product of years of tears, of years of fighting and struggling and hoping and mourning but never, ever, ever quitting or giving up, because we're here. And maybe it won't last, I don't know. Maybe tomorrow something will happen and the tears will come back, but I'm grateful for the moment, knowing she loves Maddie more than anything.

"We should get going," I say after breakfast is through, the plates piled in the sink. "I have laundry to catch up on."

Maddie jumps down from her chair at the table and looks at Lalisa. "Are you coming? You can have another sleepover!"

"Not tonight," she says. "You have school in the morning, and your mother has work."

Maddie frowns. "But will you come play tomorrow?"

"Yeah, sure, if you want me to."

Maddie nods. "See you tomorrow!"

"See you tomorrow," she says when Maddie walks away, heading for the foyer. She turns to me as she says, "Thank you, J."

"What are you thanking me for?"

"Giving me a second chance," she says. "And a third, and a forth, and a fifth…"

"And a twentieth."

She laughs lightly. "And a twentieth."

"There won't be a twenty-first," I tell her. "I have to draw the line somewhere."

"I won't need another," she says, her hand grasping my hip and pulling me closer, between her legs. "I'm going to get it right this time."

"Aunt Chuuu!"

Maddie takes off running for the apartment the second I park the car and let her out, heading straight for Jisoo, who lurks by the front door.

"Hey, sugar-cookie, pecan-swirl!" Jisoo says, snatching Maddie up and spinning her around. "How's my sweet niece doing, still in her PJs even though it's noon?"

Jisoo's gaze shifts to me, suspicious. Yeah, it's practically the walk of shame, family-style. I haven't even brushed my hair. Ugh, I haven't showered. Her sister's DNA is all over me, all up in me, and Jisoo's the human equivalent of a bloodhound.

The second I get close to her, she knows.

"My dada took me to the convention!" Maddie says when Jisoo sets her on her feet. "And then we had a sleepover, but she slept with Mommy, and then we went to have bacon!"

"Wow," Jisoo says, shooting me a pointed look as she repeats herself. "Wow."

I open the front door. Maddie runs inside, heading straight for her bedroom, but I linger there, knowing Jisoo's about to pelt me with questions.

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me," Jisoo says, stopping short and glaring at the cardboard cutout of Breezeo still in my living room. She cuts her eyes at me with disbelief. "Really?"

"I had nothing to do with that."

"It's in your apartment."

"Yeah, well…"

I have no defense.

"Unbelievable," Jisoo says, shaking her head. "A sleepover? Are you… wow, you're really doing this with her again?"

"No, we're not. I mean, we're just… I don't know." I sigh, running my hands down my face. "I don't know what I'm doing."

"Clearly," she says, looking back at the cutout bearing her sister's face.

"I need to shower," I say, "I'll be back."

"Yeah, go do that. See if you can scrub her off of you."

Too late for that, I think, but I don't dare say it. She's all up inside of me right now—literally, figuratively.

I shower, and dress, and once I feel human again, I gather some clothes to take them across the street to the Laundromat, since my washer is still broken. Jisoo comes by sometimes on Sundays and spends time with Maddie to give me a reprieve, a few hours so I can catch up on housework without interruption.

After the laundry is finished, I head to the grocery store and stock up on food, making sure to buy Lucky Charms for breakfast in the mornings. Afterward, I'm straightening up my bedroom and putting clothes away when my attention drifts to the ripped cardboard box hastily shoved back in the closet weeks ago. I pull it out again, shifting through the dusty mementos, and grab the old five-subject notebook. The cheap black cover is faded after all these years. I can only faintly make out my scratchy doodling.

I flip through it. Two hundred pages, college-ruled, most of them full of my messy scribble. The notebook feels heavier than one ever should, but I know it's not the paper weighing it down, but the memory of all those words. The notebook holds a piece of my heart, a piece of my soul, the piece I gave to her long ago.

"You're being an idiot," Jisoo says, popping up in the doorway behind me.

I laugh to myself. "I know."