A/N: I have another chapter that I was supposed to finish and post, but the news about Declan Murphy and Khaldun coming back made me think, and here we are. I know there are different opinions and thoughts on Murphy, so you might not agree with my spin on things. But hopefully you'll like it. In this fic it's assumed/implied that Liv already knows about Rollisi.
Also, I just have to thank you for all the kind, funny, and awesome reviews/comments you've left on this fic. It makes me so, so happy. Thank you so much!
Blast from the past.
"What did McGrath say?" Amanda asks, looking up from her desk when Olivia exits her office after ending the short call with their chief. "We getting any help on this, or?"
"Apparently-" The brunette says, stopping to refill her coffee mug on the way, frowning when the coffee in her mouth turns out to be lukewarm. "Someone is already on their way over."
Carisi looks up from his phone then. "Know who it is?"
"He didn't sa-"
"Captain Olivia Benson." A voice suddenly interrupts, making the entire squad, the ADA included, look in the direction of where the voice came from.
"Oh my god." Olivia whispers, putting her coffee down. "Lieutenant Murphy." A smile takes form on her face as she meets him for a hug. "Where have you been?"
"Everywhere." He responds, looking from her, to the rest of the squad until his eyes eventually land on a very shell shocked and pale blonde. "Darlin'" He murmurs, strolling up to her desk with his arms held open.
"Declan." She says, her voice low and sounding like she's not exactly sure if she just said his name out loud. Not moving to get up from her chair, she's completely oblivious to how Carisi, Olivia and Fin are now staring at the odd interaction that's playing out in front of them.
"Darling?" The captain mouths to the ADA, getting a shrug in return, both of them equally confused.
"What did I miss?" A familiar voice says then, interrupting the awkward silence that has now settled in the middle of the squad room.
"Hope you don't mind." Murphy turns around, gesturing towards Sergeant Khaldun who just joined them. "But I called in some reinforcements from homicide. Figured we could use all hands on deck here."
"Hasim." Amanda breathes out, her heart racing and feeling like her cheeks are on fire.
"Nice to see you again." He grins, placing a cup of coffee on her desk. "I think I still remember your order."
She laughs then, a nervous and sudden chuckle that rumbles up from her chest as she looks from Khaldun, to lieutenant Murphy and then finally turning to Olivia, wondering if the captain can see the panic on her face.
After eyeing her for a short moment, realizing that something's going on but without knowing what, the brunette clears her throat to get everyone's attention. "Ok." She says, pointing towards the board. "Let's get you up to speed."
When Amanda enters the restroom forty-five minutes later, she's lightheaded and slightly nauseous, feeling like she's been holding her breath since Declan Murphy walked into their squad room. The cold water on her face helps a little, but not enough to lessen her need for a hole in the ground to swallow her and take her away from whatever prank the universe is currently pulling.
"What the fuck." She mutters quietly while pressing a damp piece of paper to her face just as a careful knock and the sound of her name makes her peer up from behind the provisional cloth.
"What's going on?" Olivia asks with genuine worry in her eyes.
Six years, Amanda thinks. Accepting that her well-kept secret is about to be revealed, all while checking the other stalls to make sure that it's just them.
When she's certain that they're alone, she turns towards Olivia again, taking a deep breath before she speaks. "Remember when you asked me about Jesse's dad and I said that it was a long story? That it was complicated?"
"Yeah?" The brunette says, folding her arms while leaning against the counter, clearly not understanding where Amanda is going with this.
"It's not a long story." The detective mumbles, followed by a sigh. "And it's really not that complicated."
"Wh-" Olivia starts, but that's when realization spreads across her face, her mouth falling open. "Murphy?" She blurts out. "Murphy is Jesse's dad?"
Her quiet "mhm" is barely audible, accompanied by a short nod.
"Amanda…" The captain says, moving a little closer. "Why didn't you tell me?"
There's a hint of hurt in her voice, and Amanda feels a short sting in her chest. "It's not like we were that close back then." She explains, keeping her voice soft, and hoping the other woman will understand. "I was still working to get back into your good graces after… After everything." She looks down at the floor then, wrapping her arms around herself before she continues. "I thought that you would judge me."
"Hey." Olivia bumps into her, making her lift her head again. "You think you're the first cop to fall into bed with a colleague?"
"Yeah?" The detective scoffs humorlessly. "Pretty sure I'm the first cop to have a goddamn reunion with the colleagues I've slept with in the middle of the squad room."
It takes a few seconds, but eventually brown eyes widen as Olivia catches up. "Khaldun?" She asks before forming a tight line with her lips, clearly trying to hold back laughter.
"Liv, it's not funny." Amanda complains when she notices the look on her face, giving the other woman's shoulder a shove.
"It's a little funny." The brunette protests, not holding back her laughter anymore.
"Yeah? What about Carisi? He doesn't know."
"Hey, he'll be fine." Olivia tells her, her mocking grin now replaced with a sympathetic smile, reaching out to give her arm a reassuring embrace. "You two are good, right?"
"More than good."
"There you go." She shrugs, wrapping an arm around Amanda's shoulder before she starts guiding them out of the restroom. "Come on, let's go back. I'm sure all of your boyfriends miss you already."
"Liv!" The blonde practically hisses.
"Sorry." Olivia apologizes, still laughing before she finally manages to put on a straight face when they're about to round the corner and rejoin the squad. "They look pretty friendly right now?" She mumbles when they stop and sees the three men talking next to the board.
Amanda groans then, already dreading the next few days and all the awkward situations that are just bound to play out. "That really isn't the comfort you think it is."
"Listen-" The captain says, grabbing her hand. "You can do this. And we'll talk more later, because I have a lot of questions."
"What if I don't want to answer?"
"That's why we're drinking."
She's busy watching Khaldun and Fin in the interrogation room when a gentle hand on her back makes her flinch and turn around. Having been somewhat successful at avoiding both the sergeant and the lieutenant for three days, she now finds herself standing face to face with her daughter's father.
"Listen-" He starts before she interrupts him.
"We don't have to do this, Declan." She mumbles, waving him off with a crooked smile, keeping her voice low even though there are no one around to hear them.
"I'm not here to cause any problems for you or your family." Murphy says, the sincerity in his voice matching the look on his face. "I just want to check in."
"I'm good." Amanda responds with a single nod.
"And Jesse?" He asks timidly.
"Jesse…" She says, her face softening. "She started school last fall, and she's… She's doing great."
"That's great, Amanda." The lieutenant smiles, but it doesn't take long until the smile falters, and a sad expression darkens his already rough features. "I… I wish I could go back and do things differently." He clears his throat then. "Every kid should have a dad."
"She has one."
The words tumble out of her so spontaneously that it surprises her just as much as him, but Amanda quickly realizes how true it actually is. When she notices the confused look on his face however, she suddenly feels the need to explain. "I have… someone. Someone who's been there since she was born." She really doesn't mean for her words to sound accusing in any way, but they still seem to trigger a rush of guilt in the man standing in front of her, making him look away.
"I don't regret what happened between us, Declan." She says softly, reaching out to touch his arm. "My kids are the best thing that ever happened to me. And I don't regret the way things played out in the end."
"So you really are good, huh?" He asks, meeting her eyes again.
"I really am." Amanda smiles. "And so is Jesse. And when she's old enough-" She continues, replacing her smile with firm and clearly spoken words. "I'll explain this to her. And you better be ready and available if she wants to reach out."
"You have my word. I promise."
Later that night, his words are still playing on repeat in the back of her mind when she enters the courthouse elevator. She hadn't realized just how much she needed that talk until after Murphy had walked away, and she's not sure if the weight that's been lifted off her was mostly for Jesse, or herself.
But right now, there's another talk that needs to happen. One she's been postponing ever since that morning in the squad room.
No, she corrects herself. Six years.
"Hey." Her voice is as soft as the knock against his door, and she enters his office with slow and careful steps. Not quite sure what she's expecting from this conversation, but still finding herself feeling uneasy and tense.
"Hey." Carisi smiles. "Was about to call you."
He just looks so genuinely happy to see her, and she decides then that it's now or never. Terrified that she might chicken out if he keeps looking at her like this, like she can do nothing wrong. "I need to tell you something." Amanda says, rushing her words as she moves towards his desk, sitting herself down on the edge of it.
He leans back in his chair, eyeing her for a moment before a mumbled "ok?" ends the silence between them.
"Lieutenant Murphy-" Amanda starts, interrupting herself when her voice cracks, forcing her to clear her throat just as a knowing smile spreads across the ADA's face.
"Is Jesse's father." He says matter of frankly, shrugging casually.
"Wh- How?" She asks, feeling how her body slumps, her shoulders dropping now that the secret is finally out there.
Carisi shrugs again. "Just a hunch."
"You're not mad?"
He gets up then, stepping in between her legs, staring at her with one eyebrow raised. "Why would I be mad?"
"Because I didn't tell you."
"And I never asked." He shoots back. "Because it's your story to tell. And it doesn't matter. I kinda knew that Jesse has a father, you know."
"You're so smart." She chuckles lightly, pulling him down for a soft kiss after breathing a quiet sigh of relief.
"Thanks." Carisi grins, kissing her back. "Anything else to confess while we're at it?"
"I slept with Khaldun."
At first she's confused when he backs away abruptly, hands now planted firmly on her shoulders, eyes wide. But that's when she realizes how her admission must've sounded. "Not now!" She corrects, her voice comically high pitched. "Before us."
"Jesus." Carisi says, letting out a relieved chuckle while holding a hand over his chest. "You tryin' to kill me?"
"Sorry." Amanda giggles, pulling him back in. "I'm done now, I promise. No more surprises."
"Was it serious?"
She shakes her head then. "No, not at all. Just a… distraction."
"Well, since we're talking about this… I was involved with someone for a while." He admits, quick to add "we ended things before anything happened between us".
"I knew." The detective smiles, albeit a little sadly, at the memory of realizing that she was about to lose him to someone else. Just because she had been too scared to face her feelings.
Carisi mirrors her wistful smile while tucking a few blonde locks behind her ear. "I'm sorry."
"Why are you apologizing?" Amanda asks, laughing at his misplaced guilt. "We weren't together."
"I know…" He sighs. "I just… There was always this weird feeling that I was cheating on you."
"Did you love her?"
"No." The ADA says without hesitation. "I thought I could and I wanted to. But…"
"But?"
"She wasn't you."
His words makes her heart swell in her chest and she can do nothing except lean in for another kiss, this one lasting longer and drawing a deep hum from both of them.
"Wanna grab something to eat?" Carisi asks when the kiss eventually ends.
"Actually-" Amanda starts. "I'm having drinks with Liv. She has questions."
"Good luck with that." He snickers.
Rolling her eyes, she reaches up to cup his cheek. "See you at home?"
"Yeah."
She leans in for a final kiss then, smiling and mumbling a quiet "wait up" against his lips.
A/N: I've been feeling kinda down for a few days, and that's why I decided to make this mostly lighthearted and add some comic relief. I know some of you might've preferred a more angsty take on this storyline, but idk. I don't feel like it has to be angsty.