LISA

It's strange how easy it is to fall into a routine, how simple it is to find a sense of normalcy. It's almost instinct.

Jennie goes to work. Madison goes to school. I sit around, and well… I wait for them to get home. The apartment is small, but it isn't as cramped as that first one we lived in together. I get restless, yeah, but it's not unbearable. I distract myself by cooking, and I call Nick whenever I'm feeling antsy. I'm starting to think I might be cut out for small-town domestic life.

Okay, okay, so it's only been three days, but they're some of the best days I've had in years.

There's a knock on the apartment door. Three o'clock on Friday. Jennie and Madison won't be home for another hour.

Quietly stepping over to the door, I look out the peephole, to see who's knocking, when I spot the familiar, crotchety lady. Son of a bitch. Opening it, I come face-to-face with McKleski, standing on the doorstep, holding a duffel bag.

My duffel bag.

Before I can greet her, she drops it at my feet.

I stare down at it. "You evicting me?"

"Thought you might want your things," she says, emphasizing that word, like whatever is in the bag might be scandalous, but it's just clothes. "You haven't been to your room in days. Days! I'm all alone out there!"

"Yeah, uh, sorry about that."

She scoffs. "You're not sorry."

She's right. I'm not. "So, you've missed me?"

"Like an alcoholic misses Happy Hour."

That might've been meant to offend, but it makes me laugh. "Will it make it better if I promise to visit?"

She makes a face at that.

"I'm re-renting your room, so don't come crawling back," she says, matter-of-fact. "And I'm keeping the money you paid for it. No refunds."

"I wouldn't expect any less."

She waves toward me flippantly as she turns to leave. "Good luck with all this. Don't run out on them like you abandoned me."

Ouch. That jab does sting a bit, but I suck it up and grab the duffel bag, closing the door again.

I shower and put on a fresh pair of clothes, the best thing I have with me—black slacks, blue button down, black shoes. I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror after I'm dressed. It's been about a month since the accident, so the bruises have all faded, the scrapes and cuts all gone. Except for the cast, it's almost like it didn't happen. Almost.

But I still see it, sometimes, when I close my eyes. The flash of headlights. The blood. I still hear it, even when it's quiet. The screech of tires. The screams. The pain might be gone, but the memory is embedded inside of me.

I hear the door unlock, hear Madison burst inside with Jennie following. I greet them, and Madison runs past, saying, "Hey, Dada," as she drops her backpack on the way to her bedroom. She's gotten used to me being here.

"Well, well, well," Jennie says as she approaches, grasping my chin. "You almost clean up nicely."

"Thought we could go out," I tell her. "You know, like a date."

"A date," she repeats.

"Date!" Madison screeches, running right back out of her bedroom. "A date!"

I laugh, glancing at her. "Yeah, a date."

"Do I get to go, too?" she asks with wide eyes. "Please?"

"Of course," I say. "What kind of date would it be without you?"

"A sucky one," Madison says. "Right, Mommy?"

"Right." Jennie grins down at her. "Guess we ought to go find something to wear, huh?"

Madison runs off again, just like that, yelling, "Come on!"

It takes them a while to get ready, but I don't mind. Madison changes her clothes about a billion times, settling on a yellow dress. She's a ball of sunshine, that girl.

And her mother? Jesus Christ.

The moment I lay my eyes on her, it feels like my guts get all twisted up. Little blue dress. Goddamn, she's beautiful. It reminds me of the one she wore our first night in California. I don't remember everything from those years, but I'll never forget that night.

I'll never forget how much she believed in me, how much she loved me, even though I did a terrible job showing her it was mutual.

"You look… wow," I say, pulling her to me. "So beautiful."

I lean down to kiss her but don't get the chance. The second my lips meet hers, Madison yells, "Wait! Not that yet! Don't do that 'till the end!"

"What?" I ask, glancing down at her as she shoves between us, pushing me toward the door.

"Guess you don't get to kiss me until the end of the date," Jennie says.

Madison opens the front door, forcing me through it. "You gotta knock."

"Uh, okay."

Before I can say anything else, she slams the door in my face, leaving me standing on the doorstep.

I glance around to see if anyone is lurking before raising my hand to knock, but the door flies back open, Madison still there.

"Get some flowers," she hisses.

The door slams again.

Even through the thick wood, I can hear Jennie laughing inside the apartment.

Flowers. I look around. There isn't a single goddamn flower in the vicinity, so I jog over to a patch of grass and rip up a few stray dandelions.

I knock.

No answer.

I knock again.

"Who is it?" Madison asks from the other side of the door.

"It's me," I say. "Lalisa."

"Lalisa who?"

This kid… she's trying to kill me. I glance around again before saying, "Manoban."

The door flings open, and Madison stands there, grinning, so I hand her most of the dandelions, keeping only one of them.

"They're my favorite!" she says, taking them.

"Figured you might like them," I say. "They're the same color as your dress."

Jennie strolls over, and I hand her the last dandelion. She takes it, trying not to laugh.

My phone chimes in my pocket—a message from the car service. "Our ride is here."

It pulls up—a simple black town car, nothing fancy, the same one that took Madison and me to the convention—same driver and all.

We settle into the car for the drive into Albany. Nobody questions where we're going until we arrive and the car drops us by the curb. The sun has gone down, giving us a cover of darkness, enough that I can hopefully fade into obscurity for a few hours.

"A movie," Jennie says. "In a park."

"Not just any movie," I tell her, putting my arm around her and pulling her to me. "Quite possibly the greatest super hero movie ever made."

"Breezeo!" Madison says excitedly.

Jennie stops short. "No."

"Yep," I say. "The sequel."

"Tell me you're joking."

"Nope."

"You took us to see your own movie. Seriously?"

"Well, in my defense, I've never actually watched it," I admit. "And I knew Madison would enjoy it, so I figured, you know, who better to watch it with than the two of you?"

Madison's ecstatic, jumping around, while Jennie looks at me like I've gone insane. "You never watched it?"

"Not the whole thing," I say. "Hell, I barely remember filming it. They say it's good, though, despite… well…"

Despite me being so fucked up through the entire process that we're lucky it even happened.

"I've heard it's decent," Jennie says.

Decent. From her, I take that as a win.

I didn't do a very good job at the whole planning thing. I have a blanket but have to buy hot dogs from a vendor, because what's a picnic without food? We settle into the park away from most of the others, giving us a bit of privacy.

The theme song comes on. Yeah, we've got a theme song. Think Spider-Man, just with different words, way too cheery for the scenario. Madison dances around, singing along as the movie starts.

Madison's enthralled from the very first moment. I'm sitting on the blanket, my legs stretched out, while Jennie lays down, her head in my lap. I cringe my way through the movie, absently stroking Jennie's hair.

I glance down at her after a while, realizing she's not watching the screen, her attention fixed on me. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she says. "It's just strange."

I caress her flushed cheek. "Being here with me?"

"Yes," she says. "Just when I was starting to doubt I'd ever see you again."

"You didn't think I'd keep popping up every so often?"

"Oh, sure, but that's not you," she says. "I knew that girl would keep coming back. I thought I'd be dealing with her for the rest of my life. Drunk, high, out of her mind… but I never thought I'd see you again, real you, yet you're here. I thought it would always be her."

I know what she means as she motions toward the screen. I can tell I was strung out. It's painful.

"I'm here," I say, "and I'm not going anywhere."

"I want to believe that."

"You can."

She smiles, and I don't know if she believes it yet, but she looks content in the moment. I brush my thumb along her lips as they part, and I want to kiss her so fucking bad right now, but I know I'll catch hell from my daughter if I try.

"Ohhhh, Dada!" Madison says, grabbing my attention, catching me off guard as she launches herself my way. Laughing, Jennie sits up, moving out of the line of fire as Madison damn near tackles me, leaping on my back and trying to cover my face with her hands from behind. "You're not supposed to do that!"

"What?" I laugh. "I didn't do anything!"

"You're kissing her!" she says as I pull her hands away from my mouth when she tries to cover it. I playfully pretend to bite her, making her squeal. "Stop, Dada!"

She flings herself on me, falling into my lap, as I glance up at the screen, realizing Breezeo is kissing Maryanne. I scowl, tickling Madison. "It's just a movie. It's not real."

She giggles, slapping my hands away. "You didn't really kiss her?"

"Well, yeah, but it doesn't count."

"Why not?"

"Because it's Breezeo, not me."

"It's still yucky," she says, making a face.

"You think kissing me is yucky?"

I tickle her again, and she struggles, laughing, trying to get away, but I'm not going to let it go that easy. Grabbing ahold of her, pinning her to me, I nuzzle against her cheek as she shoves my face. "Help, Mommy!"

"Oh, no, you're on your own there," Jennie says. "You got yourself into that one."

"Ugh, no fair!" Madison says, slapping her hands over my mouth. "No kissing 'till the end!"

"Fine." I let out a long, exaggerated sigh. "You win."

She sticks her tongue out at me.

The girl seriously sticks her tongue out, gloating, as she leaps at her mother and kisses on her—planting big, sloppy kisses right on Jennie, making sure I see it. She's gone again then, right back to her movie now that the love scene is over.

"Unbelievable." I shake my head. "I get no love."

Grinning, Jennie lays back down with her head in my lap. She stares at me, reaching up, her fingertips brushing across my lips. "You be good, and I'll make it worth it for you later."

I cock an eyebrow at her. "Is that right?"

"Yep," she says. "I'll—"

She's cut off before she can elaborate by my cell phone ringing. Sehun. I decline the call, but he calls back again right away. I decline that call, too, but then comes another, this one from an unknown caller. After that number calls twice, I turn the phone off and put it away, turning my attention back to Jennie. I'm not dealing with that shit tonight. "So, you were saying…?"

She gives me a sly grin, shaking her head, shifting position to face the screen.

I try to pay attention to the rest of the movie, but that's harder than it sounds. I'm relieved when it's over. We stand up as the credits are rolling, though I know we can't leave until the post-credit scenes play. I grab the blanket, folding it up, and the moment Madison gives the okay, we're walking away.

Our ride is waiting by the curb to whisk us home.

Madison jumps out when we make it back to the apartment. She's twirling in circles, her dandelions crushed in her fist as she holds onto them, so not to lose them, as she runs ahead of us. I put my arm around Jennie, pulling her to me, no hesitation, and kiss her—softly, sweetly at first before trying to deepen it, but she pulls back, grinning, pressing her pointer finger to my lips.

"We see one movie and suddenly you think I'm putting out?" she says. "What kind of girl do you think I am?"

"I think you're the kind of girl that would usually put out before the movie."

She gasps, playfully shoving me away, before grabbing my shirt and pulling me right back to her, whispering, "Maybe I'll even let you bend me over a table."

My footsteps stall, and I laugh at that as she walks away, pulling out her keys as she makes her way to the apartment door. I stand back, staring at her and Madison, smiling. It feels like my chest wants to fucking burst with all these feelings building up inside of me.

I can't believe we're here, that I'm with her… with them. Can't believe I'm getting another chance to love her. Can't believe I'm finally a parent to my daughter.

Hell, I can't believe I made it all night without being bothered.

I start to say something—to say just that—when a voice cuts through the silence… feminine, and familiar, and oh fuck. "Lisa?"

I turn, tensing, and see her a few feet to my right in the parking lot of the apartment building.

Rosé.

"Lisa!" She runs, flinging herself at me, and I stagger a few steps as she wraps her arms around me, squeezing. "I've been looking for you everywhere!"

Madison gasps. "Mommy, it's Maryanne!"

"I know," Jennie says, her voice a whisper. "I see."

Rosé turns, loosening her grip, like she's just now realizing I'm not alone out here. She plasters a smile on her face, zeroing right in on Madison. "Oh, who might you be, cutie?"

Madison stares at her. She looks conflicted, fidgeting, tinkering with her dandelions as she says, "I'm Maddie."

"Well, hello, Maddie," Rosé says. "It's always nice to meet a fan."

Madison fidgets even more.

"Come on, sweetheart," Jennie says, grasping Madison by the shoulder to lead her into the apartment. "Let's go inside so they can talk."

Madison resists. She looks confused, like she doesn't want to go, but she eventually gives in. Jennie casts a look my way, and it only lasts a second, but it's long enough for me to see the concern in her eyes, mingling with something else. Hurt.

The moment they're gone, Rosé's expression changes, her smile dimming. She turns back to me, groaning, shoving against my chest. "Lisa, what the hell? I've been looking for you all night!"

"Why?"

She lets out an incredulous laugh. Her eyes, Jesus Christ, they're like saucers—completely black. "Why? I haven't seen you in over a month!"

"I know, but…" I shake my head, taking a step away from her as I run a hand down my face, trying to put a bit of space between us. "I thought you were in rehab."

"I was," she says. "But I couldn't stay there. It was hell, Lisa, and those people didn't get me. Not like you always did. And I missed you. I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to—"

"Don't do that," I say, cutting her off. "Don't try to make you leaving rehab about me."

"You were hit by a car! I was worried!"

"You're worried now? But not worried enough to check on me the night of the accident?"

"You know I hate hospitals," she says.

"So do I," I say. "And I know rehab feels like a glorified hospital, but sometimes a person needs help."

"I'm fine," she says. "I'm better."

"You're high right now, Rosé."

She rolls her eyes. "So?"

"So how the hell are you better if you're still using?"

"I can handle it," she says. "I don't know if you've noticed, but this town is fucking depressing. I needed something. Honestly, I don't know how you're even surviving. I know Sehun sent you off somewhere to recover, but here?"

I'm having a hard time looking at her. My gaze fixes on the closed apartment door, at the splotches of yellow on the doorstep. Madison's abandoned dandelions. "I have family here."

She scoffs. "You hate your family."

"I hate my father. That doesn't mean I hate my family."

"So, whatever, family." She uses air quotes when she says that word, waving toward the apartment. "Is that who that was?"

"That was my daughter."

"Your daughter."

I can feel her gaze, piercing, judging. So damn angry. I don't even have to look at her to know she's fuming about that.

"I told you I was a parent."

"You told me you knocked up that girl from back home, that she kept the kid."

"Yes."

"That doesn't mean you're a parent," she says. "So, what, while I was off suffering in some hellhole, you've been here, playing house?"

"I'm not playing anything. I got clean so I could be a part of her life."

Rosé lets out a bitter laugh. "No, Lisa, you did it because they made you."

"They made me go to rehab, but that's not why I'm still clean."

She shakes her head, running her hands through her hair—still dyed dark for the movie. "I just… I don't know what's going on with you, but this isn't the you I know."

I shake my head. Even if I tried to explain it, she wouldn't understand. "Look, I don't want to get into this with you. Tell me what you're really doing here, Sé."

"I told you—I miss you. And since we've had some time apart, I thought maybe you'd miss me, too. Maybe we could give things a try. Maybe—"

"It would never work."

"It could," she insists.

"It wouldn't."

She looks hurt by that. "We were good together."

"No, we weren't," I say. "We've been over this before. It was a fucking mess. When we got high, it was fine, but the moment we came down, we couldn't even stand to be in the same room."

"That's not true," she says. "I'm here right now."

"You're high."

"Oh, fuck you! So, I'm high. That doesn't have anything to do with how I feel about you."

"It does," I say. "It has everything to do with it."

She glares at me.

This conversation isn't going anywhere.

It never does. We've had this same argument half a dozen times this past year, ever since I stopped using. She doesn't understand why things had to change, why I started treating her differently.

But she and I have a history that isn't healthy. She's part of the cycle I had to break. I was numbing myself, killing myself, but it wasn't just the drugs and alcohol I'd been indulging in. Thousands of dollars in psychiatry bills taught me the real problem was my behavior. Go the same places as before, with the same people as before, and you end up doing the same shit you always did.

So I cut it all off. All of it. Even the sex.

Sober and celibate, everything felt different.

"Are you fucking that woman, Lisa?" Rosé asks, her voice scathing. She's losing her high. "Did you come here and start fucking again? Fucking her?"

"That's none of your business."

SMACK.

Stinging rips through my cheek as she slaps me, hard, my head jarring. I take a step back, moving away from her.

"I'm not doing this with you," I say as she crosses her arms over her chest. "Call Sehun. He's probably worried."

I start to walk away, to head for the apartment, when she calls out to me, her voice cracking. "Wait, Lisa. Please."

"Take care of yourself, Rosé."

I stall in front of the apartment and look down at the discarded dandelions, ripped to pieces. Sighing, I glance behind me and find the parking lot empty, Rosé gone.

I feel like an asshole.

I can't get anything right.

Strolling over to the patch of grass, I pluck a single dandelion from the ground. I'm grateful to find the apartment unlocked. Jennie lingers right inside and eyes me warily.

I glance around.

I don't see Madison.

"She's in her room," Jennie says.

I head that way, finding her sitting on the edge of her bed, swinging her legs as she picks off the polish on her little fingernails. I stall when I glance in the trashcan beside the desk in her room. Usually full of paper from discarded drawings, I see a familiar doll on top. Maryanne. She threw her away.

I pull the doll out, carrying it as I crouch down in front of Madison. I hold the dandelion out. "I know your flowers got messed up, so I picked you another one."

She takes it carefully. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," I say. "Do you want to tell me what made you upset?"

She shrugs.

"Did you have fun tonight?"

She nods.

"I had fun, too. You looked pretty in your dress."

She smiles, staring at the dandelion.

She won't look at me.

Sighing, I sit down on the floor. "I know this whole thing must be confusing. I wasn't around, but now I am, and I'm Breezeo, but I'm also your dada. You see me kiss your mom, but Breezeo kisses Maryanne. And then it looks like Maryanne shows up and hugs me in front of your mom. Hard to keep up with what's real, huh?"

She nods.

"Well, like Breezeo, Maryanne's a story. The woman outside, her name is Rosé. I work with her. I'm not going to be kissing her like I kiss your mom. When I kiss your mom, it's real."

She meets my gaze.

"So I don't think you should take it out on poor Maryanne." I shake the doll at her. "Breezeo loves her, just like I love your mom."

She takes the doll. "Does Mommy love you?"

"She did."

"But not no more?"

"I don't know," I answer honestly. "But it's not her fault. I took her love for granted."

"What's that mean? Taking her love for granite?"

I smile at her mix up. "It means I didn't show her how much I loved her, like I should've."

"You can do it now," Madison says. "Just pick her more flowers and tell her she's pretty, and then she can love you."

If only it were that simple.

"I'll have to remember that," I say, getting to my feet and ruffling her hair before turning to leave. I make it a few steps before she calls out to me.

"Wait, Dada!" she says, springing to her feet and running over, grabbing my arm to tug me down to her level. I crouch down again, surprised when she presses her lips to my still-stinging cheek. "You almost forgot your kisses!"