A/N: Hey! Life has been insane lately, first with finals and then the wedding. And then we just… crashed, lol. So writing hasn't exactly been high on my list of priorities but I'm hoping to get back into it now that we've had some time to recover. And I really hope you like this short addition to Chosen Family!
Love You Like That
"Everything ok?" Olivia asks when she exits her office, noticing how Amanda is standing seemingly frozen in the middle of the squad room, staring at her phone with a pale face and a somewhat unreadable expression.
"Uhm, no-" The detective responds, dragging a hand through her hair before quickly typing a text. "Carisi's dad is in the hospital."
In an instant, Olivia is by her side, grabbing her elbow. "What happened?"
Amanda shakes her head, her eyes still locked to the phone in her hand. "They're not sure, Carisi is on his way now."
"Go." The captain says without hesitation. "You should be there with him."
The blonde finally looks up then, eyes narrowed. "Wh- No, I can't." She argues. "Sienna can't stay late tonight. And I really don't want to bring the girls to the hos-"
"I'll stay with them." Olivia interrupts. "I'll bring Noah and we can stay."
"I don't want you to spend your Friday night babysitting." Amanda says after a frustrated sigh, chewing on her lip while looking around the mostly empty squad room as if another solution is going to magically pop up.
"Hey-" The brunette protests, taking hold of the other woman's shoulders to get her attention. "Spending time with my goddaughters isn't babysitting. And you should be with Carisi." She gives her a reassuring smile as she moves towards the detective's desk, picking up her coat and nodding towards the elevator. "Go."
It takes her a moment, but Amanda eventually takes a few steps to grab the jacket, smiling back at the woman in front of her. "Thank you."
…
"Dammit." Olivia mutters under her breath as she opens another drawer in Amanda's bathroom, carefully moving stuff around, her hand roaming through hair products and body lotion and what feels like a collection of approximately three hundred bobby-pins.
When she still doesn't find what she's looking for, she turns to the sniffling three year old standing behind her. "Where can it be, huh?"
Getting nothing but another sniffle in response, she finally gives up and grabs her phone from her back pocket.
"Liv? Something wrong?" Comes the almost immediate response.
"No, nothing serious-" Olivia mumbles as she kneels in front of the toddler, gently placing her hand against Billie's forehead. "But I think Billie might be running a fever."
"Again?" Amanda sighs. "How is she?"
"She's fine-" The brunette says, holding the phone in place with her shoulder as she lifts Billie up from the floor. "Just a little grumpy. But where's your thermometer? I don't wanna give her any Tylenol if she doesn't need it."
"Should be in the bathroom cabinet?"
"No, just checked."
As she listens to what she assumes is Amanda asking Carisi about where it might be, she checks the older kids' bedroom, happy to find both Jesse and Noah sound asleep, Frannie stretched out next to her son on the bunk bed.
"Check my bedside table." The blonde finally says. "I might've left it there the last time she was sick."
"How's his dad doing?" Olivia asks while moving down the hallway, Billie's arms now wrapped around her neck.
"Might've been a small stroke. They're doing some tests now." Amanda responds with her voice slightly lowered. "But he was awake and talking when I got here, so that's good. Hopefully we'll know something soon."
"You stay as long as you need." The captain says as she maneuvers Billie out of her arms and down on Amanda's bed.
She's just about to reach for the drawer when she stops herself. She might've had a couple of years to mold into the role as captain now, but she is still a detective after all. A detective with enough experience of going through other people's stuff.
"Rollins-" She starts, pinching the top of her nose. "When I open this drawer, will I be ok?"
"Nothing you haven't seen before." Amanda snickers, making Olivia roll her eyes so hard that she wonders if the other woman could hear it through the phone.
"With our line of work, that doesn't really help." She hears herself mumble.
"I know." Amanda snickers again, clearly unbothered by having her private space invaded like this.
God help me, Olivia thinks as she slowly opens the drawer with one eye closed, breathing a sigh of relief when the thermometer is the first thing she sees. Choosing to ignore a certain purple object further back.
"Ok, got it." She says quickly, adding "give my love to Carisi" before hanging up.
The brunette is just about to close the drawer shut when something catches her attention; A folded piece of paper, and written on the front of it, "Liv". It makes her pause, briefly forgetting all about the thermometer in her hand.
She really hates snooping, especially when she's in one of her detective's, her friends' bedroom, but it's her name. And it's right there.
With a guilty look on her face, she looks over at Billie who is now resting her head against her mother's pillow, heavy eyes almost closed. First things first, she thinks, leaving the piece of paper where she found it.
For now.
But thirty minutes later, with Billie finally asleep in her own bed, Olivia's curiosity finally wins, making her pick up her phone again while stepping into Amanda's bedroom for the second time that night.
"I thought you found it?" The blonde says as soon as she picks up.
"I did." The captain responds, eyes trained on the drawer. "But… why is there a piece of paper with my name on it in your bedside table?"
"Oh." She hears from the other end. And then a mumbled "shit."
"Amanda, you're scaring me." Olivia says, her mind for some reason deciding that this is some kind of resignation letter. One that Amanda has been keeping from her for a while now, waiting for the right time to drop the bomb right in her lap. And leave, like everyone else.
But-
"Your award ceremony, last year." Amanda finally says. "I wrote a speech."
She sinks down on the side of the bed then, her lips twitching into an amused smile. "You? Amanda Rollins, wrote a speech?"
"Yes, but obviously the ceremony didn't happen, and I was gonna give it to you but everything was so crazy after that and… guess I forgot."
"Ok…" Olivia mumbles, dragging the word out a little before a silence settles between them, neither of them saying anything for several moments.
"You can read it if you want." The other woman finally says, sounding like she's stuck somewhere between embarrassment and defeat.
"You're ok with that?"
"Sure." Amanda sighs. "But you don't get to make fun of me."
I'm not snooping, Olivia reminds herself when she reaches for the drawer again after hanging up. Amanda said it was ok.
And then, propped up against the headboard, she finally unfolds the paper, inhaling deeply as she starts to read the words that she was supposed to hear that night, before everything changed.
…
Most of you know her as Captain Olivia Benson.
Tough, ruthless, fearless. Full of integrity, compassion and experience. And all of that is true. She wouldn't be here today if it wasn't.
Captain Olivia Benson is all of those things.
She's fierce and passionate and dedicated.
She will go above and beyond to make sure that the victims we see get justice, and even when the system is not on our side, she will make sure that their voices are heard, and that they feel like someone is listening.
I'm not here to talk about Captain Benson, though.
I want to talk about my friend, Liv.
Because even though she is my boss, and she outranks me in every sense of the word, she is, again, so much more than SVU's captain.
She is also a devoted mother to her son Noah, and a loving godmother to my girls. She is, believe it or not, really funny. And she cares, so, so much. She will always, no matter what, put herself last, even after years of me trying to get it into her stubborn head that she matters too.
But, that's who she is. She is the kind of friend who will drop everything if you need her. Who will literally walk through fire if your world is burning. She will be there to hold your hand, to make things better. That is, unless she's busy being the hero of the day. Which, she has definitely been, a few too many times.
Did I mention that she's fearless?
She is the kind of friend that truly listens, who wants to understand. And she always tells you the truth, even when that truth is painful and sometimes hard to hear. Trust me, I know.
She can be the very definition of tough love, but only because she cares so damn much. And as much as it pains me to admit it, she tends to be right. And at the end of the day, it's still love.
All of it.
She loves with her entire, big heart, and then some. And she does it in a way that really makes you feel it. In a way that makes you believe that unconditional love exists.
I could go on and on about why I admire her, and why she inspires me. But if there is one thing I admire more than anything, it's her ability to hope. Hope for a better, and more just world. I know, that might sound a little cheesy, but these days? With so much hurt everywhere? Being able to hold onto that hope is pretty damn impressive.
I couldn't name anyone who deserves this recognition more than you do, Liv. My captain, my leader, my lady, but most importantly, my dear, dear friend. I'm so proud of you. I'm proud of everything you've achieved, and everything you are. Working with you for so many years has been a true privilege. And calling you my friend has been one of the greatest honors of my life.
I love you.
…
When she eventually puts the paper down, Olivia has read it three times, Amanda's words somehow hitting deeper each time, touching something within her that she has spent years convincing herself that she doesn't need; The recognition, sure, but most importantly, the feeling of someone loving you like that.
Slowly, she wipes at her cheeks, flushed from crying, blinking up at the ceiling to stop more tears from falling before she decides that maybe it's ok to just let them fall.
She would've read the speech a fourth time had it not been for the short whimpers coming from the baby monitor, making her lift herself up and move quietly towards Billie's room where she finds the toddler squirming.
"Can't sleep, hm?" She whispers, lifting Billie up before carrying her back to the bedroom where the three year old quickly settles against her chest. And then, with Amanda's speech next to her, she sinks back against the pillows, smiling with her eyes closed while running her fingers through her goddaughter's hair, blonde like her mother's.
"I love you, too." She murmurs into the dark room, kissing the top of Billie's head.
And that's how Amanda finds them two hours later after entering her apartment, leaning against the doorway, smiling tiredly as she takes in the sight of Olivia and Billie sound asleep on her bed, and a familiar piece of paper laying open next to the brunette's hip. Granting herself that moment of peace before moving towards the bed.
"Liv-" She whispers, reaching out to touch her shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. "I'm home."
It takes a moment, but Olivia eventually stirs, eyes confused as she blinks up at Amanda, looking like she needs a few seconds just to remember where she is.
"Take your time." The detective chuckles as she carefully lifts Billie up from Olivia's chest, returning a few minutes later, toddler-free.
"How did it go?" Olivia mumbles, sitting herself up before dragging a hand through her hair, tousled from sleep.
"I think he'll be fine-" Amanda responds as she starts to unbutton her shirt, quick to exchange it with an oversized t-shirt that Olivia just knows she must've stolen from the ADA. "But they're keeping him for observation and they'll do some more tests tomorrow." She continues while finishing the job of getting rid of her pants and stepping into a pair of sleep shorts. "Carisi is still with him."
"Good." Olivia smiles. "That's good."
"So-" Amanda says, sighing as she slumps down next to the captain, nodding towards the other side, finally addressing the elephant in the room. "You read it."
"I did."
"Was it stupid?" She asks, bending her knees and wrapping her arms around them, suddenly looking so strangely childlike that it forces Olivia to grin. "It was stupid, wasn't it?"
"Amanda-" She interrupts, her smile faltering as tears start to gather in her eyes. "It wasn't stupid."
"Yeah?"
"It was… beautiful." Olivia smiles, tilting her head. "I've been-" She starts before clearing her throat. "I think I've spent so much time thinking about the people I've lost, and worrying about people leaving, that I… I haven't been able to really appreciate those who stayed. Like you." She mumbles the last words before finally meeting Amanda for a hug, ending with her resting her head on the detective's shoulder. "I'm so happy you're still here."
"Me too." The blonde whispers, smiling, shifting just a little to get more comfortable when she realizes how tired she actually is.
"Oh, and Amanda?"
"Hm?"
"Good choice. I have the same in black."
The joke drags a soft giggle from Amanda's lips, and it's the last thing Olivia hears before she drifts into a peaceful sleep, knowing that the woman next to her isn't going anywhere.