Chapter 59
Palla sat on the edge of her bed and stared at the wall. She really needed to go back to the Village and check in with Imber and the rest of the council, but she honestly didn't want to. She'd felt more at home with Clarke and her people over the last weeks than she had since Tamma died. She could lead without leading. She wasn't looked to for everything little decision. Madi and Echo were right. She needed to delegate. She couldn't go on like this. Besides, she needed to ride the wall and see what the Praha were up to.
Things weren't as bad as she thought. The Praha had jumped the wall and attacked Octavia near enough to the Falls, but she blamed herself. For multiple reasons, one of those was not making sure that Imber was defending it and not following up with him to make sure that it was defending properly. One of the others was because she never warned Clarke or any of the others how close it was to the wall. That was her fault. She took it for granted that they were new to the planet and that they would stick close to the barracks. It was her fault because she'd taken Clarke to the falls. She'd shown her somewhere to go if she needed to get away from it all. She had been so worried about helping them fit in that she forgot her duties. She'd assumed that everything was in order.
It was her fault. She was so far from caring because the Praha hadn't attacked in years that she didn't push the issue. Sure, she made Imber keep fortifying and build the watchtowers in the Village, but she wasn't sure if that was out of duty or paranoia. She scratched her head.
She was losing herself and she didn't care. This wasn't like when she was trying to actively kill as many Praha as she could after the murder of her wife and her own abuse. No, this was just her not caring anymore. She didn't feel like she had the right or maybe she'd finally just given up on life because she didn't have Tamma. She didn't understand it. Lex had come to her, gave her something to love and care for, but still it wasn't enough for her. She didn't understand it. It was like her soul was broken and she didn't know how to fix it. Ferre tried, but she could only do so much for her.
Lex.
That was another issue that she needed to deal with. And, that was part of the problem, too. She thought of Lex as an issue, a problem, not her child. She loved her. She cared for her, but even she knew it wasn't enough for the young girl. She wondered if it was because of Balt raising her for the most part or because she was just plainly disillusioned with life. She also wondered when Lex became an issue.
She was the daughter of farmers. She was a farmer, first and foremost. Tamma had been a smith. She did little farming now and she hadn't been in the smithy that she'd had built for Tamma since she died. But she kept the food that she did farm for herself, Hrathgar and Ferre. It was only a small tract of land that she actually tilled, but it was still enough for them. All the extra went towards the Village stores, and the other farmers would step in and help her care for those crops with very little payment. She knew it was only because she was the Fios, but she knew that some of them did it because they remembered how her parents helped them.
She looked at her hands, studying the calluses. They weren't the hands of a farmer. They had become the hands of a killer. She let her need for revenge drive her over the wall and back into Hell on Terre. She let the darkness consume her completely and she welcomed it. Even now, it was still just behind her eyes waiting to take over and run her life. She was always ready to go to war with the Praha. They were her enemy and she wouldn't be too terribly upset if they were wiped from the planet. She knew that couldn't voice these thoughts and she would have to quell similar thoughts from those of Helios. They didn't need a war. They needed to maintain their tentative peace.
But, that didn't explain how the Praha had crossed the wall and tried to Octavia. Sure, it was weeks ago, but it was always something in the back of her mind. She'd stayed to long at the barracks. She needed to check in with Imber and the other council members. She needed to go back to the Village, but she couldn't find the want to go.
She was beginning to fit in with the Earthlings. She liked spending time with them. They didn't judge. They didn't treat her like she might snap and go on another rampage. They looked at her like she was the leader of a people. She liked that. She liked Madi and Clarke. She liked Clarke a lot, but she was also afraid. She'd lost so much that she was afraid to even approach Clarke.
She and Clarke sometimes seemed to be dancing around each other. She didn't know if Clarke would believe her if she told her that she thought that she had Lexa's spirit, or if Clarke would be angry with her for even suggesting it. Madi had been no help in that area, but now, Madi wanted her protected as well. She didn't know if it was for Clarke's sake or if it was because Madi actually cared about her well-being as another leader on the planet.
She wasn't going to step aside and let Madi lead her people, but she would talk to Balt about adding Madi to the list of possible Fios. She knew that Clarke wouldn't like it, but she honestly believed that Madi would do good for her people. They needed protection. Besides the few Rangers and Scouts, no one really had a head for war. It wasn't like she wanted it, but they needed to be ready.
She felt like she was losing her mind. It was becoming too much for her. She wanted the war, but she didn't at the same time. She needed to see how things were progressing. She needed to go home. She needed to clear her head.
She stood up and grabbed her light armor sweater. She put it on and headed across the way to Madi's quarters. She knocked on the door and waited.
Madi opened the door and looked her over. She could see the anguish in her dark eyes. She nodded and moved out of the way, allowing Palla to enter. Madi went into the kitchen and gathered some glasses and a pitcher. She pointed to the couch and Palla sat. She poured them both a glass of water, handed one to Palla, and then sat holding the other in her hand. Her blue eyes missed nothing in the appearance of Palla before her.
"When will you leave?"
"In the morning," Palla answered.
"Octavia will be ready to go with you."
"I was wondering if I could take someone else as well," Palla stated.
"Who?" Madi asked and then took a sip of her water.
"I was hoping for Raven. I believe that she needed some more supplies. I want her to pick what she needs. Also, she would be able to help select some more items to help for the preparations for the snows to come," Palla explained.
"We've been hunting. We have enough meat. Our bakers have enough milled flour for the duration. We have some wild fruits, berries, and vegetables that our people have found. You even verified that they are good and editable. We even have some spices. We didn't bring a lot with us, but Echo, Indra, and Abby said that we will be okay thanks to the supplements you have given us. I know that it was a lot for you to do for us in a short period. Your people are very generous."
"They are."
"Palla, is there something else?" Madi questioned as she looked her over again.
"I need to go."
"Tonight?"
"No, I'll wait until first light."
"Will you tell both Raven and Octavia? Or, would you like me to?"
"I don't know."
"Would you like more of escort?" Madi asked her.
"I don't want to take away from your people working, heda. They are needed here. You need them here to be ready."
"I need Raven as well," Madi replied.
"You do. I know you do. I don't want to keep them long."
"Octavia will stay with you regardless."
"I could send Balt with Raven. He can drive a wagon as well. He wants your story, for our histories. It would do him good to get out of the Village as well."
"Then do that. Take Raven and Octavia. Let Raven do as she wishes, but send her back quickly with Balt. We will make him welcome. As for Octavia, she'll be your shadow and our ambassador for now," Madi stated.
"I know."
"Have you spoken with Clarke?"
"Not since we got back two days ago," Palla replied.
"Talk with her before you go, Palla. It will do your heart good. It might help you center yourself again, as well," Madi told her as she stood.
Palla realized she was being dismissed. She stood, finished her water, and then handed Madi her glass. She nodded and Palla left, with no clear direction in mind. She hated the feeling, but maybe, Madi was right. She needed to talk to Clarke. She needed to center herself, in any case. She needed to be able to see Lex and be the Thetos that she deserved. She needed to handle things with her daughter first, before she worried about Clarke and the rest of the Earthlings.
She needed...
She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't notice Octavia and Clarke walking out of Raven's liar as she headed there to speak with Raven. She just bypassed them as she went inside. Clarke seemed to think it odd behavior from her suddenly, but Octavia dismissed it. She told Clarke to go ahead and that she would check on Palla. It was enough for Clarke at the moment. She nodded to her friend and guard and went on her way.
Octavia found her sitting at one of Raven's tables upon a stool. She staring off into the distance. Octavia sat down beside her. Raven watched them, but she went back to working on whatever it was she was working on for the colony.
"Madi told me," Palla told Octavia.
"She did?"
"Yeah."
"You okay?"
"I need to go back to the Village."
"Okay."
"I'm going to leave in the morning."
"I'll be ready," Octavia told her. "Just let me know when."
"Dawn."
"You sure you're okay. You've been acting weird since we got back from looking at Gryfondor. Anything I can do?"
"You need to tell Clarke that you are coming with me," Palla said.
"I can do that."
Palla watched Raven. She could tell that mechanic was listening to them, but she wasn't stopping what she was doing with her drawings. She wondered what the mechanic really thought of her. She dismissed the idea.
"Go tell Clarke. Then get with Echo. She'll need to know as well. She'll have to change the rotation."
"I know."
"Raven is going, too," Palla added.
Raven looked up at them then. She cocked an eyebrow, but neither Palla nor Octavia seemed to bring her into their conversation. She wanted to ask, but a look from Palla told her to wait until Octavia was gone. Watching her friend, she nodded and left the Engineering area. But before Palla could tell Raven anything, Madi came into the room.
"Good, you're both here," she said as she joined them.
"I was just about to tell her," Palla stated.
Madi just nodded as she joined Palla on the stools and watched Raven. Raven dropped her pencil and backed up from her table. She was eyeing them both.
"What's going on?" Raven asked.
"I want you to come with me to the Village. We'll stay at my house, but I want you to have access to what we have there. If you need anything, I want you to be able to get it if we have it. I want you to have things that you are used to and I don't know what else you might want or need here. I know that Madi is overseeing the building of Gryfondor, but I know that you want hot water and such. We might have some electronics that you can use to help you with communications and the like. I just don't know what you might want. Please come with me and have a look out our tech," Palla rambled.
Raven gave her a quizzical look but nodded anyway.
"Good. I want to leave at dawn. Will you be ready?"
"I am sure that Echo and Octavia will make sure that I am."
"I'll see you then," Palla stated as she stood up to leave.
Madi reached out and took her hand. She looked down at the smaller leader and then their hands. Madi let her go, but her eyes kept her arrested.
"Go talk to her, Palla. She'll help. I promise."
"I don't..."
"She's in her room. I just left her. Go. I'll keep everyone else away."
Palla nodded and headed out. When she hit the breezeway, she saw Echo and Octavia talking very animatedly. Octavia looked up at her, but she didn't bring her into the conversation. Instead, she pulled Echo towards Engineering as Palla moved upstairs. Palla could only guess that Madi had talked to Octavia outside the bay before coming in to talk to Raven. She made her way up the stairs and to Octavia, Clarke and Niylah's quarters. She stood in front of the door and waited. She didn't know why, but she did.
Finally, she couldn't take it anymore. She reached out and knocked on the door. She hung her head because she didn't know why she was so out of it. She was reaching up to knock again, when Clarke answered the door.
"Palla?"
"I need to speak with you," she stated, but even to her own ears, it seemed forced.
Clarke's eyes went wide, but she nodded. Moving out of the way, she let Palla enter. She shut the door and walked towards Palla. Wondering why Palla didn't sit down in the common room, she moved towards the couch that was there to sit.
"Can we go to your room?" Palla asked her.
Clarke cocked her eyebrow, but she nodded. She moved back around the room and down the hall. She could hear Palla following her. When they got to her room, she looked around and she didn't know what Palla was thinking. There wasn't a lot of furniture in there for them to sit on. She walked over to her bed and sat down, waiting for Palla to do the same. She didn't. Instead, Palla shut the door to her room and started pacing in what little bit of room she had.
Clarke couldn't take it anymore. She didn't know what was bothering her, but she couldn't let her keep pacing. She reached out and took her arm in her hand.
"What is it?" Clarke inquired.
"I need to go back to the Village."
"Did something happen?"
"No, nothing like that," Palla answered.
"Then, why do you seem so upset?"
"I don't want to go, but I have to. I have duties there. I have things that I need to check on."
"Like Ferre and the baby?"
"And, Lex, too," Palla stated.
"It's okay. I am sure that we will be okay. Madi has been working with the leaders and working out where everyone is going to live. The builders have the first barn framed up and are finishing up the sides. They are moving quicker than we thought, but we know that we aren't going to be ready by the snows."
"I know."
"This will also help us figure out what else we need to do to help with weathering," Clarke explained.
"It will."
"Why do you do that?"
"Do what?" Palla asked.
"You're zoning out on me. What's wrong? And, don't tell me that it is because you have to go back to the Village, Palla. It is something deeper than that."
She shook her head. This isn't what she wanted. She couldn't tell Clarke. She doubted that she would even believe her.
"I'm taking Octavia and Raven with me."
"Okay," Clarke replied. "They will do well to represent us. Just make sure to keep Octavia's temper low. Raven will just talk them all to death."
Palla smiled. She knew that Clarke was trying to give her levity, but it wasn't working. Her brain was fixated on Clarke and not her responsibilities.
"I know."
"Is there something else?"
"Do you have an update from Diyoza and her men?"
"About the wall?"
"Yes."
"They are working on it, building it higher, last I heard. She's still her at the barracks. Do you want to take her with you?"
"Not in her condition, no. I just want an update. If she can get with Raven before we leave, that would be appreciated," Palla answered.
"How about when you come back, we go ride the wall?" Clarke suggested.
"I believe that your people will protect themselves, Clarke. I am not worried about that. We don't have to go see the improvements that they've made. I trust you."
"Do you?" Clarke asked as she watched Palla's movements.
She hadn't stopped since they were in the room alone. Clarke stood up and moved in front of her, blocking her path. Her blue eyes met those worried brown ones and she waited for Palla to say something.
"I need to go," Palla said as she turned heel and moved towards the door.
Clarke reached out for her and stopped her again. Palla whirled around on her. She looked directly into Clarke's eyes and closed her own. She didn't want to betray her own feelings.
"What is it about me that scares you so much?" Clarke asked her.
"Are you still having the nightmares?" Palla questioned, not opening her eyes.
"Nightmares?"
"From Earth?... About what you had to do to save your people?... About all the lives lost?"
"They never go away, Palla, but you know that. We've talked about that before I ever came down here. I thought you understood that."
"Are they getting worse?"
"No, it's mainly the same ones."
"I'm sorry," Palla said, opening her eyes to see Clarke still standing there questioning her.
"Why are you apologizing?"
"There must be something that is triggering them."
"I'll be okay."
"What are they about? Can I ask you that? Will you tell me, again?" Palla asked.
"Yes, you can ask and yes, I will tell you. They are mostly the events that happened in Polis. I feel like I'm missing something or my brain is trying tell me something. Either way, they are just nightmares. I know that they aren't real. My memories are worse."
"Still..."
"Hey, don't worry about it. I'm not. I'm sleeping better now. Things are okay. Why are you so worried about me?" Clarke asked her.
"Because..." Palla started and the words were almost off her tongue when they both heard the door to the quarters slam. "I'm sorry. I need to go pack. We leave at dawn."
"Be careful," Clarke told her.
"I will," Palla replied and she was out the door.
Clarke stood in the hallway. Niylah and Octavia were in the common room. They'd both watched Palla leave and then turned to look at Clarke.
"What was that about?" Octavia asked her.
"She just came to tell me that you and Raven were going back to the Village with her."
"Is that all?"
"Yeah, why?"
Octavia gave her a look. Niylah reached over for Octavia. She waited until Octavia met her hazel eyes.
"Tell her," Niylah stated.
Octavia sighed and shook her head. Letting Niylah go, she walked over to Clarke, who had entered the common room. She took Clarke's hands in her own and stared deeply into her blue eyes with her green ones.
"Tell me what?"
"Clarke, Palla has ..."
"She has what?" Clarke pressed when Octavia didn't finish her thoughts.
"She likes you."
"Well, I like her, so what?"
"No, she likes likes you."
"What are you talking about?"
"She want to be with you, Clarke."
"What...are...you...talking...about?" Clarke asked again.
"Fuck it. She wants you, Clarke. She just doesn't think that she has the right to ask. She's torn up about Tamma and she knows about Lexa. She ... damn it, you should be talking to her about this, not me. But, she likes you. She just doesn't know what to do with it. She doesn't know what you want or if you are even open to the possibility of even trying with her. Hell, even Madi knows," Octavia stated.
"She what?"
"Don't be mad with Heda. We've all seen the way she looks at you, Clarke. It is the same way that you used to look at Lexa," Niylah told her.
Clarke fell on the couch and looked at her friends. Octavia looked at Niylah and then back at Clarke. She didn't want to leave her like that, but she needed to get ready.
"Go on. I'll talk to her. I have a feeling that she isn't going to leave that spot for a while," Niylah told her.
Octavia gave her a quick kiss and was down the hall to pack. She hoped that she hadn't broken Clarke. And, she hoped that she hadn't overstepped, but she was tired of watching them both tiptoe around each other. She didn't know what Palla's hold up was, but she wondered how long Clarke was actually going to mourn Lexa before she found happiness again. It pained her to see Clarke watching everyone else around her getting to be happy again.