A/N: Hi everyone :) If you're also reading "Let's Pretend" you know why I haven't posted anything in forever. But, this trilogy and the last EO scene made me think and it inspired me to write a post episode thing. I'm sorry for the lack of Rollisi in this. Hopefully I'll be able to write them eventually. Also, I've lost track of how old Noah is supposed to be on the show, so I made him twelve in this.
The Mates of Soul
She's in the middle of texting Carisi, letting him know where she is and that she's not sure when she'll be home, when her shoulder bumps into a tall figure passing her just as she's about to enter Olivia's building.
"Sorry-" She mumbles, instinctively glancing up, only then realizing that the tall figure is Elliot Stabler.
"Hey." He starts, looking a mix of confused and somewhat forlorn, as if he was walking with no clear direction, nowhere to go, or be.
"What are you doing here?" He asks before she gets the chance to do the same.
"Just, checking in." She admits, lowering her head to press send so she won't forget. When she looks at him again, she eyes him intently. "You?"
"I drove Noah-" He starts, cutting himself off when Amanda takes a few steps closer, her eyes narrowed as she seems to study his face. "Why… are you looking at me like that?"
She shrugs. "To make sure that you're not high, or drunk."
"Rollins-" Elliot sighs, head falling down in defeat when he realizes what she's referring to. There's some kind of a defensive speech in his exhale, but he looks too tired to try, giving her an apologetic look instead.
"Don't hurt her." Amanda mumbles after a moment of awkward silence, giving him a pointed look, and then a formal nod, before she turns to move towards the elevator.
"Copy that, professor." He responds, a crooked smile appearing on his face when she, without turning back to him, gives him a thumbs up.
…
"Amanda-" Olivia says, in a somewhat protesting, somewhat deflated way, as the blonde enters her apartment. But before she can ask what she's doing here, late at night, Amanda has closed the door, standing right in front of her, one hand on her chin to give it a gentle tilt, while using the other to trace her fingers over what's left of the bruise under Olivia's eye.
They stand like that for a moment; Olivia too perplexed and confused to speak, Amanda inspecting the bruise as if she's the captain's GP.
"Does it still hurt?" She finally asks, softly but still stern, letting her touch linger as their eyes meet.
"It's not that bad." Olivia responds, ducking her head to avoid any further examination. "Why are you here?"
"Carisi told me Noah was finally coming home-" She shrugs. "So I figured it was safe for me too."
Quick to catch the not so subtle tone in Amanda's voice, Olivia follows her into the kitchen, where the blonde seems to have shifted her focus from Olivia's bruised face to the evidence that Elliot Stabler was here just a moment ago; The coffee mugs, untouched, that faint smell of his cologne still lingering in the room. And then, the one wine glass, still full, the bottle standing next to it, just opened. Evidence of an important conversation that never happened. Evidence of a rough night.
Meeting Olivia's eyes, she lifts the wine glass off the counter, giving the brunette a questioning look, a wordless "mind if I do?" and getting an equally wordless "go head" in response.
"Better than boxed." She mumbles, sinking down on the high chair as Olivia starts to gather Noah's homework, busying herself by moving around and avoiding Amanda's stare, her demeanor constantly shifting between tired and restless.
"You're mad because I told you to stay away." The captain eventually says when Amanda stays silent, pouring the now lukewarm coffee, the conversation that never happened, down the drain.
"I'm not mad." Amanda protests, her tone a little too sharp to be believable. "I'm-" She pauses, huffing out a frustrated sigh. "Liv, I'm just worried."
"I'm fine, Rollins." Olivia responds, locating a second wine glass before she moves towards the blonde, stopping midway when Amanda raises her voice.
"Rollins?" She asks, eyebrows lifted as a reaction to her last name being used, like that. Like it's eight years ago and she's being scolded in Olivia's office. "Seriously?" She continues, tempted to raise her voice even higher, but mindful of Noah who's hopefully sound asleep. "And no. You're not. You look exhausted. I can see that you're not sleeping-" She gestures towards the other woman. "You're clearly not eating and from what I've heard you've been working this without a single break. You're not fine and I don't get why it's so hard for you to admit that. I thought we moved past this."
With every single word, brown eyes fill with tears, as if they're just another round of very small, but painful punches to her already beat up face. And this is why she told Amanda to stay away. Yes, she was worried about Amanda's safety, and for her girls. But most of all, she needed a clear head. She needed to keep her feelings in check if she was to get through this without falling apart.
But it's over now. And Amanda is finally here.
So, with the other woman watching as it happens, she does, fall apart.
"Liv-" Amanda whispers, moving from the chair and closer to her, grabbing the empty glass just before it falls from Olivia's limp hand, securing it on the counter before wrapping her arms around the brunette. "It's ok." She says, repeating the words over and over as Olivia crumbles in her embrace. "I've got you." She continues, registering how the other woman practically slumps against her, making her sway a little before she finds her balance.
She doesn't know how long they stand like that, but gradually, Olivia's sobs turn into soft cries, and then to a series of uneven breaths, before it ends with a few sniffles, making Amanda lean back and cup her cheeks.
"Sorry-" Olivia mumbles, shaking her head as she looks down between them. "I'm just so tired."
Nodding, Amanda grabs her hands, giving them a gentle squeeze. "Let's get you to bed."
Surprisingly, the captain laughs then. Not much more than a tired, deflated snicker, but a laugh nonetheless, making Amanda look at her with furrowed brows.
"Second person who's been trying to get in my bed tonight." Olivia says jokingly.
"That's not-" The blonde starts before realization hits. "Wait-" She says, glancing around the room. "Stabler? He made a move?"
"With this face?" Olivia says, laughing again as she frees her hands only to gesture to her exhausted features. "How could he not?"
Amanda joins in on the laughs then, all the while knowing how sensitive this subject really is, stuck between wanting Olivia to get some proper rest, and wanting all the details.
"Ok, forget about sleep for two minutes-" She says, failing to resist her own curiosity as she sits back down. "Tell me what happened."
And so, after finally pouring that second glass, generously, Olivia joins her by the island, and tells her. She tells her how conflicted she feels every time he's near her, how there's one part of her that wants nothing more than to give in and just kiss him, to get it out of her system, and take it from there. And then there's that other part, the one that he hurt so badly all those years ago, and the one that's been hurt and disappointed so many times, again and again, making it impossible to trust him, or anyone for that matter.
"You need more time." Amanda says, nodding understandingly, running her fingers over the stem of her glass. "He gets that, right?"
"I think so-" Olivia shrugs. "But what if…" She trails off, emptying her glass, adding a second shrug when Amanda follows up with a "what if…?"
"What if I wait too long, and then suddenly-" She stops to chew on her lip, as if the simple act of saying the words out loud feels like too much. But eventually, she concludes the sentence. "And then it's too late."
Weighing her response carefully, Amanda takes a final sip of her wine before reaching across the countertop to grab Olivia's hand.
"Honestly, with you two-" She starts, just as a crooked, honest smile spreads on her face. "It'll never be too late."
When Olivia's reaction is a simple smile in return, followed by a tired sigh, Amanda gives her one last nod before she moves to gather their empty glasses.
"I'll let you go to bed." She says, placing the glasses in the sink along with the coffee mugs and turning back towards the brunette. "Sorry for showing up so late, but I just-" She looks around the room, then down between them, surprised by the rush of emotions she's suddenly feeling. "I've really missed you."
There's a tremble in her voice, and she knows that Olivia heard it. She also knows, or at least suspects, why the other woman seems unable to form a response. But the tears in her eyes and the subtle nod, tells her everything she needs to know; The feeling is very much mutual.
After a silent minute, when the moment seems to have passed, she speaks again. "Get some sleep."
Shaking her head, Olivia lets out a humorless scoff.
"I can't sleep, Amanda." She admits. "Even now when it's all over. I just-" She looks towards the hallway, and then to her son's room, before lowering her voice to barely a whisper. "They were here. Outside of my home. Noah's home."
The blonde hums, emphatically, and tilts her head, understanding and knowing all too well what Olivia is going through; That suffocating and constant inkling of always being in danger, never being able to fully relax, your body on high alert, just in case something happens. She knows that feeling. And she knows how exhausting it is, when that feeling overtakes your mind, your body, and your home.
"Ok-" Amanda says, holding up a finger. "Give me a minute."
Confused, Olivia watches the blonde as she moves across the floor, fishing her phone from the pocket of the coat she threw over a chair when she first entered the apartment. Even more confused, she watches as Amanda disappears down the hall before a few seconds later she can hear what sounds like a mumbled conversation.
"Do you have a blanket?" Amanda asks when she returns.
"Why?" The captain asks, trying to figure out what's going on.
"Because I'm staying on your couch tonight." The other woman says matter of factly. "And you can sleep, knowing that your home is safe."
"You don't even have a gun anymore." Olivia argues, attempting a joke. "Are you gonna scare the bad guys away with a bad grade?"
"Ha-ha." Amanda responds dryly. "I might not carry anymore, but I can still throw a mean punch if I want to."
"Yeah-" Olivia scoffs, nodding towards Amanda's hands. "Those tiny things are surprisingly strong, I'll give you that."
"Hey." The blonde protests, looking down at her hands, now turned into two fists, studying them. "They're not that small." She adds.
The comment makes Olivia laugh, but her smile falters when their eyes meet again. "No, go home, Amanda. I can manage on my own."
"I know you can." She agrees before her voice softens. "But you don't have to."
And in the end, Amanda always knew how to persuade Olivia one way or another, always knew which words and what tone to use, for the brunette to give in and resign to the fact that maybe Amanda has a point. Maybe she would sleep better, or sleep at all, knowing that there's someone else here, someone she trusts with her life.
"But you're getting more than a blanket." Olivia says, gesturing for Amanda to move with her in the direction of the door next to her own bedroom.
"You finally finished the guest room?" The blonde smiles.
"Gave me something to do when I couldn't sleep." Olivia mumbles as she turns on the light, revealing the renovated space, the freshly painted walls, a warm yellow, Amanda notes, and then, much to her surprise, something achingly familiar standing on the bedside table.
"Liv-" She says, the captain's name spoken with both sadness and love as she takes in the taxidermied chipmunk that she left behind on her desk.
"Fin didn't want to eat with him in the break room." Olivia jokes, bumping into Amanda's shoulder with her own and getting a snicker in return. "But I couldn't just throw him away. So he's here. Waiting for its rightful owner to visit from time to time."
Without looking at her, Amanda wraps an arm around Olivia's waist, no words needed to express her gratitude as they stand there, side by side, acknowledging how hard and painful this change has been, for both of them.
…
Three hours later, she squints at the clock on her phone, confused by what woke her up in the first place. But then she hears it, the sounds coming from the room next door; A series of moans at first, before a louder "no" reaches her ears, making her move quickly and efficiently out of the room.
She knocks once, twice, but when it fails to pull Olivia from the apparent nightmare she's having, Amanda decides to enter, shutting the door behind her quickly so Noah won't be woken up by his mother's cries.
"Liv-" She starts, moving towards the bed, climbing into it so she can reach out and touch Olivia's shoulder. "Liv, wake up."
When that doesn't help, she contemplates her options, quick to remember what helped her when she was going through this just a few months ago, what Carisi would do to calm her down when she would wake him up in the middle of the night.
"It's just me." She mumbles, laying herself down behind the brunette, wrapping an arm around her. "I'm here."
At first, it doesn't seem to have any effect at all, but then, slowly and gradually, Olivia seems to calm down, until she's sleeping peacefully, her breaths slowing down and growing deeper until they're barely audible in the dark room.
"I'm here." Amanda repeats, eyes closed.
…
"Aunt Amanda?" She hears, turning on her back, to understand where she is and who's whispering her name. Opening one eye, she finds Noah standing next to the bed, confused.
"Hey buddy." The blonde mumbles, her voice hoarse.
"Why are you in mom's bed?" He asks, still whispering and clearly mindful of the fact that his mother is sleeping just two feet away.
Glancing over at Olivia before turning back to him, Amanda smiles, nodding towards the door.
"Let's talk outside so we don't wake her up."
…
"I thought you were married to Uncle Sonny." The twelve year old mumbles around his cereal, his words stated not so much as a question, and more like he's just trying to piece everything together.
When she understands what he's trying to say, Amanda laughs, relieved when she's finally successful at figuring out Olivia's coffee maker.
"Me and your mom are friends, Noah." She says, unsure what to say next as she waits for her cup to fill. "I was just keeping her company."
"Because she couldn't sleep." Noah says, as a statement, the tone in his voice a reminder to Amanda of how fast her nephew is growing up.
"It's just-" She sighs, grabbing her coffee before joining him by the kitchen table. "It's been a rough couple of weeks. She just needs some rest."
He nods, solemnly, and she watches as he moves his spoon around in slow circles, the cereal floating up and then disappearing yet again.
"Can I tell you a secret?" He eventually mumbles, glancing up.
"Always." She smiles, resting her elbows on the table, leaning in a little closer.
"I wish she would retire." Noah admits, and it breaks her heart how guilt ridden he looks when he makes the confession, as if he knows that this is something he could never ask of her, but something he longs and hopes for, just the same.
"I know she loves her job-" He continues. "And I know it's super important…"
"But?"
His head falls down, the cereal now looking rather soggy and unappealing as it's drowning in milk. "But I wish that she didn't have to do it all the time."
She reaches out to grab his shoulder then, squeezing it gently. "I know, honey."
They sit in silence for a little while, as she sips her coffee and Noah gives up on his breakfast. But when he finally looks at her again, there's a hint of a smile on his face.
"Can I tell you one more secret?"
"Of course." She says, her smile growing wider, in sync with his.
"I have a boyfriend." Noah tells her, his cheeks suddenly flushed with a pinkish color.
Letting out a squeal that surprises both of them, Amanda covers her mouth when Noah's eyes move in horror towards his mother's bedroom.
"Shhh-" He scolds, making Amanda giggle behind her hand before she mumbles an apology, moving a little closer and lowering her voice.
"Tell me everything." She says.
"I met him when I stayed with Connor." Noah explains, his demeanor now an odd mix of shy and proud, and excited. "He's really cool and so funny."
"What's his name?"
"Nate."
Amanda fakes suspicion then, leaning back on her chair with a hum. "My ex boyfriend's name was Nate." She says, holding back a grin as her lips form a thin line. "I think I have to meet this charmer." She nods, more to herself than him. "Make sure that he's treating my nephew right."
Like only a twelve year old can, he rolls his eyes indulgently as he unlocks his phone, holding it up to show her a picture of a young boy who looks kinder and funnier than all of her ex boyfriends combined.
"Don't tell mom." Noah says quickly, not giving her a chance to react to the picture.
"I won't." She responds, her expression dead serious.
"But you can tell uncle Sonny."
"What can she tell uncle Sonny?" Olivia suddenly asks, making Amanda jump and spill the remnants of her coffee just as Noah loses the grip on his phone, making it crash against the floor.
"Jesus-" Amanda breathes, reaching for a box of tissues to clean up the mess in front of her. "So sneaky."
"What can aunt Amanda tell uncle Sonny?" The brunette repeats, locking eyes with her son, interrupting him in checking his phone for any cracks or scratches.
"Nothing." He says, accompanied by Amanda who gives him a wink across the table.
Eyeing them both, Olivia eventually lets it slide, moving into the kitchen to get her coffee started.
"Sleep ok?" The blonde asks, hesitantly, not sure if Olivia remembers anything from her nightmare, or the fact that Amanda climbed into bed with her right in the middle of it.
"Eventually." Olivia nods, adding a heartfelt "thank you" when their eyes meet, letting Amanda know that she does, in fact, remember.
"Anytime." She smiles, and when she turns back to Noah, making him beam when she asks if they should call uncle Sonny and the girls and check if they want to join them somewhere for breakfast, she's pretty sure she can see, through the corner of her eye, Olivia watching them, with tears in her eyes.