Chapter 61

Clarke wasn't sure what she was going to say to Palla when she talked to her next, but she knew that they needed to have a private conversation. She had been thinking about what Niylah and Octavia had told her before Octavia left with Palla the day before. The more she thought about it, the more she pondered what Madi had been talking to her about with regards to religion and reincarnation. She shook her head. She didn't believe in things like that. She'd seen too much to believe in something that she couldn't prove, but she had to admit that Palla reminded her of Lexa in her own ways. They were similar, but then after Madi took the flame, so was she. Clarke didn't want to think about it, honestly. She was still mourning in her own way. Lexa was gone and now she had Madi. It was enough for her. It had to be.

She could see something in Palla's brown eyes. She couldn't tell if it was worry or just strain, but she could tell that Palla was upset or maybe even a little lost feeling. If she honestly did care for Clarke and she was giving Clarke room to decide if she liked her back, Clarke could only imagine what that was doing to her on top of her worrying about not only her people but all the Earthlings as well. Clarke knew from experience how hard it was to maintain a private life when her public life was so public. She knew that Palla had the same problem.

They had been both been thrust into their roles. Fighting to save their people, wanting to survive and to live, they seemed to thrive in their adversity. Palla went from being a simple farmer to the Fios and a Ranger. Clarke went from being a delinquent, a criminal in the eyes of her people, to being their savior as she brokered deals and learned how to deal and survive on Earth. She never stopped pushing for a peaceful existence, even when the clans wanted to kill them all for being like the Maunon. They put their people's well-being before their own most of the time. Clarke ran away after she helped destroy the Mountain and Palla retreated, after the peace accords with the Praha, from public life leaving it to the Council and Balt.

But was that enough? Did they understand each other better because of all the shit they've been through? Could she actually find the strength to move on and be with someone again? Someone that was so much like Lexa that it was uncanny? She didn't know and that scared her.

It scared her because she wasn't sure that she deserved to be that happy again. Sure, she and Lexa only had a brief few moments of pure bliss together, but it was enough for her to know that Lexa was her soulmate. If Palla was the reincarnation of Lexa, could she actually have peace and love again? She felt like she had done enough penance with Madi, when it was just them on the surface of the Earth, but now she wondered if it was just a way for her to heal. Six years was a long time to mourn and she had, longer than that. But, she hadn't just mourned Lexa during that time. She mourned the loss of her friends and family, because she never knew if she would see them again. After the five year mark when Spacekru was supposed to come back but didn't, she began to lose hope. If it hadn't been for Madi, she would have been completely lost and gone over the edge. She had come so close before she found Eden in Shallow Valley. Not having Bellamy, Raven and the rest of her friends living in space was a blow, but Madi was the light in the darkness. She helped her power through it. Sure, she made her broadcast everyday in hopes that Bell would soon reply, but no reply ever came.

And, now, Madi was Heda. Once again she had to deal with a loved one leading their people in hopes to maintain peace. She had to give Madi her complete support in order for them to survive, but not just survive, actually live again. Was this a way for her to live again? Is this what she wanted? And that was what was plaguing her more than she wanted to admit. She loved Madi. She loved her friends. She love Abby. But, could she love Palla? Or, did she love the woman behind the titles like she had Lexa? Could she see the difference in the two like she had with Lexa? Could she separate Palla from Sorcha? And, if she could, did she want to?

She shook herself from her thoughts and looked at the tablet again. Palla hadn't moved. She wondered how long she had been waiting for Clarke to answer her. Shaking her head again, she moved the tablet to a better position. That was when she noticed that it wasn't just Palla that had been waiting for her answer, but Raven and Octavia also.

"What's wrong? Has something happened?" Clarke asked worried.

"No, nothing's happened. We're fine. We made it in good time."

"Okay," Clarke replied.

"Look, Clarkey," Raven said as she took the tablet from Palla because she realized that it was going to take too long if she left them up to their own devices. "Palla made some arrangements for me and I am not sure how you are going to feel about them. That's why we're calling. I wanted to talk to you about it. I wanted to get your opinion on the matter."

"Is it bad?"

"No," Raven replied.

"Then do it."

"Just like that? No questions? You don't even want to know?" Raven inquired.

"Raven, I trust you and I trust your judgement. If you think that it is something that you need to do, then do it. I am not going to stop you. We both know that Palla has been looking out for us since we landed. I want to believe that she has our best interests at heart and she has done nothing to betray that. In fact she's gone out of her way to make us at home and give a place to stay," Clarke explained.

"I get that, Griffin. I do. But I still want to get your take on it," Raven replied.

"Then tell me about it."

"She wants me to meet with one of their doctors about my leg and nerves."

"Is it a specialist?"

"Yes," Raven replied.

"Could they help you more than we can?"

"Possibly," Raven stated.

"Then I don't see the harm in it. This specialist might be able to tell you more about what is going on with your nerves and whether or not you can completely ditch the brace. I know that you have been walking in the rails and with minor support, but that hasn't stopped the usage of your brace, Raven. If they can help you more than we can, I don't see why you wouldn't jump at the opportunity," Clarke added. "I only regret that I am not there with you."

"We could video conference," Palla said off camera.

"I'll leave that up to you Raven. This is your leg and your treatment. I want you to do what you feel comfortable with. If you go see them and you aren't comfortable, leave. But, if you go see them and you like what you hear, try to do things their way. Medicine isn't always exact and what's the harm in another consultation. I'm pushing you and Mom is managing your pain. Maybe someone else can see something we can't."

"You're sure?" Raven asked.

"Yes, I'm sure. But, remember that I'll want to see their reports and records. I'll want copies of any tests and such. And, if we decide that it would be better for you to stay at the Village for treatment, I want to know that you are cared for and have a place to stay, Raven. I just want you to be happy," Clarke told her.

"Okay. I'll set up the video conference when I get there tomorrow. And, then we can talk privately after. I trust your opinion more, Clarke," Raven stated.

"Fine. Fine. Is there anything else I should know about?"

Octavia took the tablet now and looked at Clarke's face. She could see the worry and the tension, but she knew that it wasn't from them being in the Village. It had more to do with Palla and Lexa than anything else. But, that was Octavia and Clarke's relationship. They could read each other better than others. The microexpressions were the most telling between them. Maybe that is why they had become so much closer since leaving Earth.

Clarke looked at Octavia and could tell that there was something on her mind, too. She wasn't just there to be an quisi-ambassador for them and Clarke knew it. But, then again, she was sure that Octavia was reliving the conversation that they had shared before Octavia left with Palla. It had been a bomb of truth that she dropped and she wasn't there to talk it out with her. Clarke could tell that it was eating her alive and she needed to figure out a way to make Octavia calm. So, she decided to talk to her in Trigedasleng. She knew that Palla had a working knowledge of it from the little bit that Madi had taught her, but she knew that it was nowhere near the comprehension and complexity that both Clarke and Octavia managed.

"What is wrong, my Sekkon?"

"Are you mad at me?"

"No, Okteivia, I am not mad at you. Why would you think that? You are my sekkon, my sister, my friend."

"I shouldn't have told you like that and just left."

"It was done for the best. I have been thinking and I am not sure what I want. It isn't your fault that you showed me something that I wasn't ready or that I was unwilling to see. You have always done what you thought was best for us, Okteivia. Don't question yourself now."

"Klark..."

"O, I respect you and your opinion. If you think that there is something there, then I believe you. I cannot find fault in your assessment. I believe even Madi is on your side with this," Clarke told her.

"Heda? But, why do you think that? What has she said?"

"She's spent more time with Palla than the rest of us, but it is because they are both leaders. Palla and Madi both come to me for certain things and I am doing my best to let her lead. I know I overstep sometimes, but Madi is always there to reassure me that things are not going to spiral out of control. But, she always the one to come to me to talk about Leksa and what Leksa thought about things. She keeps telling me stories that only had a vague understanding of because of the little that Leksa told me. I know that Leksa is part of the Flame and Madi has most of her memories now. I know that Leksa is trying to help her, but she keeps pushing the reincarnation factor and the fact that even Leksa thought that we were soulmates."

"Through Madi she still protects you..."

Clarke looked at her quizzically. She didn't understand why Octavia was getting at. How was Lexa still protecting her? What had Madi done?

"What do you speak about, Okteivia? Speak true. What has Madi done?"

"Why do you think that I am here, Klark? Do you think that she sent me to be the ambassador when we all know that it should be you? When we already know that it will be and is you? It has always been you, Klark. No, she didn't send me for that. She sent me to protect Palla. She worries for Palla because she worries for you."

"Palla can care for herself."

"As can you, Klark, but yet you have guards. Jusgona are at your side and we train more for the purpose of protecting not only Heda, but Wanheda. She did this for you because Heda knows that Leksa's keyron will find you. Madi knows that the memories and keyron in the Flame aren't the same as the keyron of the soul. Titus burned her body and freed it. Leksa's keyron will find you again, Klark. I believe that. Madi believes that so hard that she me to watch over her."

"Leksa's keyron..."

"You must look inside yourself, Klark. Can you be open enough to believe Leksa loves you enough to come back to you? Is there room in your heart for her still?"

"Leksa is dead, Okteivia. She died in my arms. I know that they believe that they can be reborn, but I am not sure that I can."

"What was it that Leksa always told you about her Keyron?"

"Her spirit would find the next Commander and it would choose wisely."

"And, what else?"

"That her spirit would always find mine in every lifetime."

"And, you still don't believe?" Octavia asked her as she passed the tablet back to Palla. "She's all yours. Raven and I have some training to work on. We'll be by the stables."

Clarke didn't have time too reply. She knew that Octavia did it on purpose, too. She was faced with Palla again and she didn't know what to say.

"We're riding the wall tomorrow while Raven is with Meeks and Sam. I'm hoping there won't be much to report. I'll let you know if we find anything or if there's something to worry about. Pleas keep your comm available."

"I will."

They were both quiet then, unsure of what to say to one another. Clarke had so many questions and Palla had so many feelings. Clarke wanted to laugh, because for once she was leasinl with her head and not her heart. Finally though, something inside her broke just a little and she allowed herself to tell something for Palla that was maybe more than friendship.

"Be safe," Clarke told her.

"I always try to be."