85. Letting You Go

It was time.

Time to go and destroy another Horcrux. Time to show Harry how to do it. And then… time to face the end? That still felt impossible. But it wouldn't be long now. Last time he had destroyed a Horcrux, it had almost killed him and he had still been fully healthy then. Odds were this would be a rough night for him. And not just for him.

Albus had learned from his mistakes. He wouldn't leave Minerva to face the cold, harsh consequences completely unprepared once again. He had to warn her that things might be moving fast now, depending on how much this Horcrux would weaken him. Before he left tonight, he wanted to look at her and hold her in his arms while he was still strong enough to do so. Just in case.

At first, Minerva didn't look too alarmed when Albus entered her office and informed her that he would be leaving the castle tonight. This was nothing new to her, and perhaps she was right. Perhaps this absence wouldn't be any different than the others. Perhaps they wouldn't actually get to the Horcrux or perhaps things would go a lot better than before because he wouldn't be alone this time. Either way Albus didn't want to take any more risks than he absolutely had to. The security measures in Hogwarts had always been heightened during his absences, but tonight he had asked for more. Should he be temporarily (or permanently) incapacitated upon his return, he wanted Minerva to have help if she needed it.

"I've contacted a couple of Order members. Remus, Nymphadora and Bill Weasley should be here soon to assist with patrolling the corridors," he told her.

Minerva's brow furrowed. "Are you expecting trouble?"

"I don't know what to expect and so I prefer to expect the unexpected," Albus replied. He hadn't meant to sound so frustratingly vague. He just didn't know how else to put this ominous feeling inside of him into words.

To her credit, Minerva took it all in stride. "I think we can handle a few hours. You'll be back later tonight?"

"Yes," Albus said, hesitating only a little. "And I'm taking Harry with me."

Now that surprised her. "Is that safe?"

"No, I don't suppose it is, but it's necessary."

"You have to take Potter with you, but you still don't want me to join you?"

"Yes."

"Because Hogwarts needs me?"

"Yes."

The silence that followed was actually a good thing because in this case it stood for grudging acceptance. Almost as though Minerva sensed that none of this was what Albus really needed to say to her.

He took both of her hands and led her out from behind her desk. They came to stand next to the window. The sun would be setting soon and the view of the Scottish hills bathed in an orange glow was as beautiful as it was peaceful.

"You asked me to tell you when it was time. I don't think I can. Not exactly. But I can tell you that the curse is getting stronger and I'm getting weaker. And what Harry and I are about to do tonight… well, the last time didn't do wonders for my health."

Minerva's hands twitched as though she had been about to pull away, but then she remained still. "What exactly are you saying?"

"That I don't know how much time we'll have left after tonight." He refused to actually say the word goodbye, but it was heavy in the air around them.

The look in Minerva's eyes was something for which he had no words. He had never seen that expression on her face before. It was like she was falling and yet still rooted to the floor, screaming and yet unable to make a sound, dying inside and yet still breathing.

"It's too soon," she finally managed.

"It was always going to be too soon. But out of everything I'll have to leave behind..." He lifted a hand and gently traced the lines on her face with his fingers, "you and I... we're the only thing I'm sure I did right."

She caught his hand with her own and held it there, pressed against her cheek. "What if I still want more?"

"We already got more," Albus told her as a wistful smile tugged up the corner of his lips. "Even just one day of knowing you and being known by you would have been a blessing. Instead we got a whole life together. And the most remarkable love to fill that life. Let's not be sad about that or ungrateful. Let's not falter at the end. I love you and I will die loving you and in that regard I'm a happy man without regrets."

His words seemed to hit Minerva like bullets that tore her heart apart only to put it back together beating more wildly than before. In a rush she reached for him with both hands and she pressed her forehead to his. Her voice was an urgent whisper, imploring him, promising him.

"You're strong. You can come back from whatever happens tonight. We may have had a whole wonderful life, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to waste a second of it. I want you to do what you have to do and then come back to me. I'm not giving up the love of my life without a fight. I will be here waiting for you, fighting for you. Until your last breath. Until my last breath. You hear me, Albus?"

"Oh, I hear you," he said, trying to drink all of her in. This woman who was truly a force of nature and who had decided to love him. "I think I will always hear you even if I can no longer answer."

Perhaps there would have been more words, but they were lost in their kisses. Kisses that were a little sloppy and desperate at first, but then became deep and savouring, remembering, before they eventually slowed to a soft, lingering tenderness. There was nothing they had left unsaid and nothing they hadn't shared in one way or another.

They had known a love that was whole. A love that was all. And a love that would transcend its own end.

Albus tasted the familiar sweetness of Minerva's lips on his tongue until the salt from her tears mingled with his own. He knew he had to let go before they both drowned in the glorious taste of each other. Before they exchanged this existence for an eternity in each other's arms.

The only way to walk away from her and out of her office was to do it in one swift motion without stopping and without looking back. But he couldn't do it. Not without sneaking another glance at her.

And so when Albus left, the light in her fiercely loving, evergreen eyes was showing him the way to wherever he was going next.

There were Death Eaters in the castle.

Minerva had no idea how the bloody hell that had happened or how Albus had known to expect the unexpected as he had called it. But she was grateful for the presence of the other Order members who were now duelling the Death Eaters in the corridors alongside her. Minerva spotted a couple of students who had been drawn into the fight as well and she couldn't spare the time to tell them to return to the safety of their dormitories. They probably wouldn't have listened to her anyway. They were all Potter's friends. But they seemed to be doing fine. Any curses or spells sent their way kept missing them.

The Order could have used some of their luck. Minerva's robes were ripped in places and she had a couple of scratches on her face and hands, but the wounds were superficial and she wouldn't have felt anything anyway. She was singularly focused on getting these bastards out of her school before anyone could get seriously hurt. If it wasn't already too late for that. Minerva had glimpsed it through one of the windows and had almost dropped her wand in shock.

The Dark Mark was blazing in the night sky above Hogwarts. Never before had Voldemort been able to touch the school. Now he was not only attacking them, he was claiming at least one victim. But Minerva was sure that none of her fellow Order members or any of her students had been killed, thank Merlin. Still, they desperately needed help.

Finally Severus showed up. Minerva had sent for him ages ago. He ran straight up the Astronomy Tower and she lost sight of him. She was too busy duelling Alecto Carrow. Alecto's style was as crude and unsophisticated as Minerva remembered it from her time in school. She shouldn't underestimate her, though, because as long as Alecto truly meant to inflict harm – and there was no doubt about that – even a sloppy and badly performed Killing Curse would be fatal. One of those shot right past Minerva's left ear and missed her by inches.

Minerva ducked and Alecto transfigured the curtains from the nearest window into ropes, intending to bind Minerva with them. Fury flashed in her eyes as Minerva straightened up. "Oh no, lassie, you don't set foot in my school and try to beat me with spells you refused to learn properly in my own classroom!" She intercepted Alecto's ropes before they could actually touch her and transfigured them into snakes. With a flick of her wand she sent them hurtling through the air straight at Alecto, their mouths wide open and their poisonous teeth gleaming. Being a Gryffindor didn't mean that Minerva couldn't fight fire with fire.

Alecto screamed and ran.

Minerva was about to follow her when she caught another glance of Severus. He was running back down the Astronomy Tower, followed by a couple of Death Eaters and Potter.

"Potter?!" Minerva yelled, but no one heard her over all the noise.

What was he doing here? How had he got back inside the school? And if he was back, then…

Where was Albus?

Horror crashed into her – fast, desperate and all-consuming.

In the chaos of battle everyone seemed to be disappearing. Severus and Potter had both run off and all the remaining Death Eaters began to flee as well. But this couldn't have felt further from a victory. More and more students were waking up now and coming out of their dormitories. Scared whispers and shocked murmurs were spreading about the Dark Mark above the Astronomy Tower and someone who had fallen…

Minerva tried not to listen to any of it and began to round everyone up to send them either to the hospital wing or back to their common rooms. As long as she couldn't be certain that there were no more Death Eaters left inside Hogwarts, she couldn't allow the students to mill around the corridors like this. She managed to intercept a couple of Gryffindors and Ravenclaws on their way down the grand staircase, but she could see and hear that a lot of Hufflepuffs and Slytherins were up and heading outside for some reason. Minerva hurried to follow them and to get to the bottom of what was going on.

Just as she had reached the foot of the stairs, the castle went suddenly quiet. Then Minerva heard Fawkes sing. No. She heard him cry. The air rushed out of her lungs, her heart stopped in her chest and she knew the truth as she listened to the phoenix weep.

Albus was gone.

And her world went dark.

Blindly Minerva made her way through the Entrance Hall. With each step she took, Fawkes' lament slowly ripped her apart from the inside with its devastating beauty. She made it to the open front doors and saw a large gathering of students. Beyond them she thought she glimpsed something that looked like a broken body at the foot of the Astronomy Tower.

"Oh God, please no," she gasped with what little air she had left.

Minerva blinked and all of a sudden her view was blocked. Pomona stood right in front of her and she grabbed her by the shoulders. "Don't go. Don't look, Minerva."

"What?" Minerva said slowly, uncomprehendingly. She had to go. She had to go to him.

"You don't want this to be the last time you see him. Not like this. There are some things you can't ever unsee," Pomona continued urgently and shook her a little to get through to her.

"But…"

"I promise you, if you look, you will never be able to forget it. Every time you think of him, you will think of this moment. He wouldn't have wanted that to be the last image you have of him. It's cruel to the both of you. As your friend I can't allow that." Pomona let go of her, only to fold her arms across her chest instead. "Don't make me fight you."

Having no other choice, Minerva gave a stiff nod. She stopped trying to move, but she kept staring at that vague figure in the grass. Pomona was right. She couldn't look any closer. Because that couldn't possibly be…

"Please tell me he wasn't still alive when he fell," she heard herself beg. Her voice had never sounded so small and pleading to her own ears. But she didn't care. She would have fallen to her knees and prostrated herself if only someone could have assured her that he hadn't felt any of it. The terror of such a fall and the horrible pain of the impact...

Pomona looked at her miserably. "I don't know. I don't know what happened, but it doesn't look like it. And he's no longer in any pain now."

Perhaps he wasn't in pain, but he was just lying there, alone, broken and abandoned, and everyone was staring at him.

"Hagrid," Minerva croaked, her small voice beginning to fail her completely. "Hagrid should collect…" She had meant to say 'his body,' but she couldn't actually make herself say those words. "… him. Collect him," she finished instead. Hagrid was the only one Minerva trusted to do this and she was sure Albus would have liked the gamekeeper and friend to take care of him.

Nodding quickly, Pomona left to find Hagrid.

Minerva turned around and walked back inside the castle that had always promised her safety. Right now she would settle for privacy. She only managed to take a few steps before she stumbled. She saved herself from falling by flinging out a hand and holding on to a suit of armour. Her breath was coming in uneven gasps as she leaned against the wall, partially hiding behind the armour. Sobs wrenched free from her heaving chest, racked her trembling body and crushed the remaining air out of her lungs. She began to slide down the wall until she landed in a heap on the floor, as the will to stand, to fight, to live left her.

Desperation and grief pressed in on her from all sides. She could no longer breathe. She couldn't see or move other than in uncontrollable tremors. She felt cold and empty and lost. Never before had she been so utterly and completely alone.

Albus, the light of her life, was gone. He hadn't died in her arms while she told him one last time how much he was needed and wanted and loved, so desperately loved. He had fallen to a terrible, broken death and she couldn't even look at him.

The pain wouldn't stop. She couldn't bear it. She couldn't contain it.

Minerva screamed.

She pulled the soft fabric of her tattered robes over her mouth to muffle the sound and screamed and wailed and cried until her throat was raw and bleeding.

Exhausted and momentarily numb from an agony so great it had overwhelmed her ability to feel anything at all, Minerva balled her hands into fists. She could hear footsteps and knew people would come looking for her.

The headmistress of Hogwarts Castle could not be found curled up in a helpless ball of misery on the floor. That was not what Albus would have wanted, what he had expected of her. But he wasn't here and Minerva's legs were so very heavy.

The approaching footsteps were heavy, too, and Minerva struggled unsuccessfully to get back on her feet in time. Two large, gentle hands reached for her and helped her up the rest of the way. Minerva lifted her head and looked into Hagrid's tear-streaked face. She realised that she didn't have to hide from him. This was a man who had loved Albus as well. So many had loved him, no matter how stubbornly he had refused to believe it. Now it was too late to convince him.

Her eyes burned with fresh tears. Minerva tried to force them back down by quickly saying, "Thank you."

"Don' mention it," Hagrid sniffed. "I was jus' wonderin' where… where I should take…?" He had difficulty forming full sentences.

Minerva blanched at his question. It had been clear to her that Albus needed to be moved, but moved where? He wanted to be buried on Hogwarts grounds, but they still didn't know if the Ministry would give its permission. She would have to sort that out with the minister. Prepare the burial. Figure out if the school should stay open. Right now she could barely remember her own name, to say nothing of feeling capable to make any of those decisions. The only thing she really wanted to do was to lie down next to Albus and go gently into that good night with him after all.

A sudden thought made Minerva stand a little taller. "Why don't you take him to classroom eleven, Firenze's Divination classroom? He can rest comfortably there and… be among the stars."

Hagrid's eyes widened. "Yeah, he'd like that. That's… that's really… beautiful." He began to sob, but before Minerva could react, he stuffed a fist into his mouth to stop himself. "Sorry, sorry, I shouldn'… not in front of yer… can't even imagine what yeh must be feelin'…"

Minerva absolutely did not want to think about what she was feeling and decided to torture herself in a different way. "Did you happen to see how he… how it happened?" she asked.

"Nah, yeh should talk ter Harry 'bout that. He was with him an' he said summat 'bout Snape… but I must have heard him wrong…" Hagrid shook himself. "I'll move him ter the classroom now."

She watched him leave and knew she needed to do exactly as Hagrid had said. Go to the hospital wing and talk to Harry. Put on a brave face and act like a living, breathing human being. Slowly Minerva squared her shoulders, lifted her chin and held her head high. And then she put one foot in front of the other.

But even as she began to move from her hiding spot behind the suit of armour, she knew she would never recover from this moment. Some injuries were both internal and eternal.

The days leading up to the funeral passed in a blur. Minerva felt quite literally beside herself as she seemed to watch herself go through the motions. The Ministry had granted Albus' request to be buried at Hogwarts. In the end they had all agreed that such a man deserved nothing less and a beautiful spot by the lake had been chosen. A spot where Minerva had held Albus' hand hundreds of times as they faced the wind, the rain, the snow and on the best of days the sun, just like today. Only there was no one holding her hand anymore.

The funeral was attended by a lot of people who had no idea who Albus had really been. Some hadn't even known him in person and some who had simply had no business being there. If Minerva hadn't been so out of sorts, she would have lunged at Dolores Umbridge and strangled her with that ugly bow on her head. Just to be safe Minerva looked away from her and watched Remus and Tonks holding hands until that became even more painful than tolerating Umbridge.

There was one person who could have roused Minerva from her stupor of grief. In a physical sense Horace Slughorn filled the gaping hole among the Heads of House with ease, but everyone was still extremely aware of the absence of Severus Snape. Just thinking about him made Minerva's blood boil with rage. Even days later the betrayal was just as incomprehensible. If anyone had still needed proof of the curse on the Defence Against the Dark Arts post, they had now got more than they had bargained for.

Of everyone present Minerva was the only one who knew that Albus had been sick – and who knew that Severus had known about it as well, that he had been the one to save him last summer. But Severus had also told Minerva to her face that if he wanted Albus dead, he knew how to do it. Lately Albus and Severus had been arguing a lot and Albus' faith in Severus had seemed less certain than before. No matter what had happened between them, Severus' knowledge of Albus' condition excused nothing. If Severus had thought that killing Albus wouldn't matter as much because he was dying anyway...

Well, then Minerva would love to invite her former colleague to go up to the Astronomy Tower with her so she could fling him over the battlements like a rag doll. Then he could find out for himself how he liked to die in such an undignified manner rather than in the arms of the ones he loved. But Snape wouldn't dare to show his face in Hogwarts again, certainly not today.

The funeral proceeded with quiet dignity and a solemn kind of beauty. Minerva's eyes were merely looking, though, not truly seeing. She did appreciate the merpeople and the centaurs who honoured Albus with their presence. In fact, she appreciated them a lot more than that Ministry official who gave the most impersonal eulogy she had ever heard. Then again, most of it was just background noise in Minerva's ears anyway. Her body was sitting in the front row, but her mind was adrift in a sea of memories.

She thought back to all those moments when she had seen Albus for the first time – as a teacher, a mentor, a friend and finally as a lover. She recalled all the joy, success and hard work they had shared to make each other and everything around them better – their vision of what Hogwarts could and should be and their willingness to fight for it together. And she remembered all the days when she had felt like her world was ending and Albus had been her tether, her touchstone, her true North.

Now that anchor had turned into a white tomb.

Some people came over to her to offer their condolences or to reminisce about Albus or discuss the future of Hogwarts. They all quickly realised that Minerva wasn't interested in carrying a conversation. Nevertheless, she only got away from them by standing up to shepherd the students to Hogsmeade station. The plan was for them to leave an hour after the funeral on the Hogwarts Express. Filius and Pomona had offered to oversee the students' departure without her, but Minerva was still Head of Gryffindor House and she was glad to have something to keep herself busy.

Once the students and all of today's visitors and even most of the staff had left, the grounds suddenly became deathly quiet. Minerva slowly returned to her spot in front of the cold, silent grave. She didn't know where else to go. She had been avoiding the headmaster's office because of that bloody portrait. It wasn't awake just yet, not so soon after Albus' body had been buried, but she dreaded the moment the Albus in the painting would open his eyes. Looking at them closed was painful enough.

Dusk was approaching and the tomb began to gleam in the dark. It was only fitting, she thought. A bright tomb for a bringer of light.

A noise startled Minerva and she looked up to see that she wasn't completely alone just yet. Aberforth stood only a few feet away from her. He met her gaze across the void that Albus had left in both of their lives.

"Want to go have a drink until you start to forget or I run out of whisky? Whichever comes first," he offered gruffly.

Minerva knew he meant well, but to forget Albus was the last thing she wanted right now. It felt too much like letting him go. "No. Thank you, but no."

"What else you gonna do then?" Aberforth asked.

"I'll just… stay here a while," Minerva replied quietly.

Aberforth shrugged. "Suit yourself." He turned to go, but before he did, he added, "Offer stands."

She listened to his receding footsteps as he started on his way back to the village. Then silence descended and deepened and spread.

After a long time of just standing there in the gathering darkness Minerva finally managed to reach out and rest a hand on his tomb. The white marble was cool to the touch and yet she imagined a trace of warmth underneath her skin.

"A whole year of knowing this would happen and still here I am completely in denial," she muttered softly as she splayed her fingers. "That you're really no longer here. That there could truly be a world without you. I don't think I want to see it and I wish you hadn't made me promise to try. It's barely been a week and it's already impossible. You're everywhere I am and everywhere I look, except you're not actually there, only in my mind and in what's left of my heart. I know you'd say there's no place you'd rather be and that's all well and good for you, but I miss you, Albus. I've missed you every minute of every day since you walked out that door and I keep expecting you to walk back in."

She glanced up at Hogwarts. "I've never spent a summer here without you. I never realised how big this castle really is. Or maybe that's just all the empty space you left behind. I don't know how to fill that. You always believed that I could, but without you here to tell me that, I'm not so sure. It's too much. It's too heavy." She heaved a teary sigh. "Of course you carried that load, you carried me and everyone in this school for years and you never complained. You only ever wanted me to relieve you one day. But I can't stop wanting to be where you are instead. I don't know where that is, but I do know you deserve to find your peace more than anyone. I hope you finally got to leave all your pain and guilt behind. I hope you're free now, my love," she whispered fervently, pausing as her throat closed up and the wind whisked away her words, perhaps to wherever they needed to go. "But I'm afraid you've taken too much of me with you. I'm afraid there's not enough left. You made me and now you've unmade me. Why wouldn't you take the rest of me, too? Why wouldn't you let me come with you? How will I ever accept that you're just… gone?"

Her voice broke and as she let her tears flow freely, Albus' tomb was christened with her pain. One after the other her tears ran down her cheeks, trickled down her chin and dripped onto the white marble. It did not burst open again to set the man inside free or to swallow her as well and lay her next to him. It remained unchanged.

A rustling of wings made Minerva almost jump out of her skin. She looked up and saw familiar beady eyes, surrounded by a glowing red and gold plumage. Fawkes had landed next to her on the white grave.

"You're still here!" Minerva exclaimed and hastily wiped away her tears so she could see properly. Her heart soared for a short, blissful moment and then plummeted.

The phoenix cocked his head mournfully. He wasn't here to comfort her. He had come to say goodbye.

Minerva's hands trembled as she reached out. She couldn't do it. Not again. "I know I'm not him, but couldn't you stay a little longer?"

Fawkes' answering cry spoke of an unending sadness that echoed in the depth of Minerva's soul. The phoenix could not, would not exist in this life without Albus.

She knew exactly how he felt.

"I understand," she whispered through her tears. "You have to go."

Fawkes blinked, shuffled closer to her and gently pressed his beak against her wet cheek. Minerva gasped. A sudden rush of phoenix magic flooded her veins, exploded in her hollow chest and filled her with its wonderfully warm and familiar, uplifting song.

Through the haze of her tears and grief, Minerva felt the ghost of a smile spring to her lips. "Go," she breathed. "Go and tell him to rest. Tell him I'll carry us the rest of the way and then… I'll come and find him again."

As soon as Fawkes moved away to spread his wings, the cold crept back in, but Minerva forced herself to stand firm in her solitude.

On the day they had met, Albus Dumbledore had lit a fire in her heart. As his phoenix took flight, never to be seen again, Minerva knew without a doubt that she would never burn that bright again.

A/N: What can I say other than your pain is my pain. But if you stick with me through book seven, which won't be very long for obvious reasons, I promise you this story will not end on such a sad note.