Chapter 77

They had set out the next morning. Clarke wasn't entirely too happy to be leaving Raven alone in the Village, but she knew that it was the best thing for Raven at the moment. She also had a direct line of communication with Meeka and Sam. She knew that the engineer and surgeon would care for her friend. She also was that happy about the fact that Echo and Octavia were the ones escorting them back to the barracks. She'd wanted one of them to stay, but her arguments had fallen on deaf ears. They stated that they couldn't let her, Madi and just one of them make the trek back without someone else going with them. Palla had been the only other choice, but she had to deal with the wall and the possible threats of the Praha. She bit her lip and took it. She didn't want Madi going alone, so she knew that she would go. Raven's guilt trip helped her decide to stay. She knew that Raven was right. She needed to care for her mother and rebuild their relationship again. So, it really only left Octavia and Echo escorting them to the barrack and then the two guards returning to the Village on their own.

The more she thought about it, the more she realized why she was upset about it. She wanted to be with Raven for her rehab, and she wanted to oversee Echo's training with her. She'd figured out that there was more going on than she knew about, but she knew that they wouldn't tell her. It was the sacred bond between a fos en sekken. She would disturb that. She understood it, even if she wasn't really a warrior. She had a different bond when she had been training with her mother and even Jackson back on the Ark, than she'd had when it was just her mother and her alone in their quarters. She'd respect it for now, but she knew that she would intervene as soon as she thought that it was something that would harm Raven. She knew that it wouldn't happen most likely, anyway. Echo cared for Raven too much, and she'd seen it in the way that Echo cared for her while they were training. She could see it in the way that Echo looked at her when she'd given her the sword the day before. She wasn't jealous of their relationship, but she knew that Echo now had a confidence with Raven that she didn't. And, maybe that was a good thing, too. Raven hadn't had someone really like that since Finn died.

"What bothers you, Clarke?" Madi asked.

Her tone sounded just like Lexa and Clarke could help the snap of her head towards her daughter. There were just times that Madi personified Lexa so much that it hurt. She loved them both. She cared for them both. But, it was always going to be hard for Clarke, especially when she knew of what happened between herself and Lexa. She knew that they shared memories, but she wasn't sure that she wanted Madi to know that much about them.

"I'm sorry," Madi immediately replied when she saw the look on Clarke's face.

"You don't have to apologize, Madi."

"But, I hurt you. I can tell. I'm sorry."

"You can't help it now, my Strikheda. I need to learn to school myself better around you. I love you. I loved her. I shouldn't let the pain of her death color our relationship, Madi. She was my lover, yes. But, you are my daughter first," Clarke told her. "And, then you are my heda. I will always love her Madi, but like I've told you before. I will always love you more. Don't ever doubt that or forget that."

"I haven't," Madi replied as she looked deeply into Clarke's eyes. "But, that doesn't mean that I don't worry about you."

"Do you worry as my heda or as my daughter?" Clarke teased her.

"Both," Madi answered quickly.

"I'm fine, Madi. I promise. I'm just not exactly happy that we are leaving Raven alone in the Village," Clarke started. "Even if it is only for a few days. I don't like our people being alone."

"She's special, though," Madi stated.

"Yeah, she is. She always has been. She might not have been one of the original hundred, but she might as well have been. She came down on her own because of Mom, but she joined with us. I've always treated her as one of the hundred even though she is slightly older. Like Octavia, she's been a voice of reason and someone that helped to keep me grounded. I don't like leaving anyone behind. It feels like I'm betraying them somehow," Clarke answered.

"That is because you are a good leader," Madi told her like it answered everything.

"You say that," Clarke started.

"Because it is true. You do what you believe it is right in order to help our people. You've always done that," Madi stated. She raised her hand to stop Clarke's objection, much like Lexa would have, and continued. "I know that some of your decisions haunt you. Some of Lexa's haunt me, just as they haunted her. But, like she used to tell you, Clarke, we cannot dwell in the past. We must fight to protect the future of our people."

"The dead are gone. The living are hungry. Is that it?" Clarke asked her.

"Was she wrong?" Madi quipped back, already knowing the answer.

Clarke was silent. It was times like this that she hated the fact that Madi had Lexa's memories. It was disarming and frustrating. She was meant to be a teenager, not the leader of the last of Man. But yet, she was. She was honest and fair. She had a cold side to her, but Clarke knew that it was from the experiences of the past hedas and not Madi personally. She was guarded, but she cared. She believed, like Lexa, that they could and would do better. And, she was glad that she still had Clarke by her side to help the legacy that Lexa started be completed.

"Do you think that Abby will be mad with us?" Madi questioned, trying to break their silence.

Clarke knew what she was doing. Lexa used to the do the same thing. She was trying to get Clarke to focus on something else to ease the pain of the decisions she'd made. Clarke couldn't help the small chuckle and smile that she gave her daughter as she turned, shaking her head.

"Yes."

"And, you're okay with that?"

"My mother is notorious for not liking my decisions, Madi. Or, don't you remember?"

"I seem to remember one story where you told her something along the lines of: 'You might be Chancellor, but I'm in charge'."

"Yeah, that went over like a lead balloon," Clarke muttered.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"It's a saying. Lead is heavy. Balloon float in generally in the air, like feathers. You know what. It just means that it didn't go over very well with Mom. She was a little bitter about it, but she was also scared, too," Clarke told her.

"Why was she scared?"

"Because at eighteen, I was leading our people, making the big decisions, and I wasn't her little girl anymore."

"Like you when I became heda in Polis before we went back the Valley?" Madi inquired.

"Yes," Clarke answered with a self-depreciating laugh. "Very much like that."

"Then, she is going to be very upset with the both of us," Madi replied.

"I'm starting to wonder if that is true. I think that she expects it now, but this is going to be a little more personal. She's going to think that we don't trust her as our doctor," Clarke answered.

"But, she is our fisaheda."

"But, she isn't the one that is fixing Raven," Clarke stated.

"I see," Madi said.

Clarke looked at her daughter and waited to see if she would say more. Instead of more, Madi turned back to Echo and Octavia. They both nodded to her and then moved up beside them. Clarke wasn't sure why they changed formation. Lexa would have had one in front and the other behind, but as they road, in the supposedly peaceful lands, between the Village and the barracks, the two guards had been in the back.

"I will tell her it was my decision," Madi calmly stated breaking the silence as soon as Echo and Octavia were next to them.

"Tell who what, Heda?" Octavia asked.

"If Abby questions our joint decision for Raven to seek out Meeka and Sam, then you will all tell her that it was my idea. I will not have her blaming you all for looking out for Raven and her well-being. Abby has enough to deal with on her own. I am aware that she will take it personally because it is Raven, but should the topic come up, I will take the blame."

"Why?" Clarke asked her.

"Because it was ultimately my decision as heda, and she is your mother, Clarke. She should not feel like you don't have faith in her abilities as a healer. I also know that you relationship with her is strained enough because of everything that you both went through on Earth. This should not add to it. Keep her close and love her, Clarke. We both know that we aren't guaranteed tomorrow," Madi told her.

Clarke sucked in a breath as she leaned back in the saddle on her caballo. Her foster daughter was willing to take her own mother's wrath. Madi was also telling Clarke, who had killed so many in order to protect those she loved, that she needed to be aware of how fleeting life was. Madi was given her advice on how her relationship with her mother should go. It was in that moment that Clarke knew that it wasn't just Madi that was speaking to her, but Lexa and the other hedas in her head. They had all lost their parents young. They had suffered a hard life for ninety-seven years, but they had survived. Clarke would, too, but they all recognized that she still wanted her mother for as long as she could. Because deep down, they did, too.

"Sha, Heda," Echo replied after a beat.

It was obvious that she was waiting for Clarke to say something before she answered. She shot Octavia a glance and the younger brunette made her pledge as well. Clarke just kept riding as she stared at Madi. Echo knew that it was harder for Clarke to be around her daughter now, than anyone else. How could it not? Her daughter had all the power now, but she was still Wanheda. Madi looked to her, but she knew that Madi didn't have to do anything that Clarke wanted her to do. Madi had Lexa in her head, and they could talk in the heda mind-space. It gave her an advantage over Clarke. She could steer Clarke in a direction that the blonde might not take all because of the knowledge that Madi had from Lexa and not from Clarke. It was a double edged sword though, and Madi walked that line carefully. Echo could see it in her eyes. She didn't want to hurt Clarke, but like Lexa, she would do what was best for her people.

Madi raised her hand and Echo and Octavia fell back to their previous positions behind them, but still hyper-vigilant. Madi reached across the expanse between herself and Clarke and grabbed Clarke's hand. She gave it a squeeze and waited for Clarke to squeeze it back before releasing it.

"I don't want you to worry so much anymore, Clarke."

"That isn't something that you get to dictate, Madi," she replied.

"I know, but I feel like you've been working so hard for so long that you've forgotten how to enjoy things," Madi said.

"You feel or Lexa feels?" Clarke countered.

When Madi didn't answer, Clarke rode ahead with Octavia on her heels. She didn't feel like talking anymore, and Octavia gave her the silence she craved. She knew that she would have to address it with both her mother and with Madi later, but for now, she didn't want to have to think about any of it. It hurt too much. Just like it hurt sometimes to hear the same words come out of Madi's mouth that had been Lexa's.