This chapter was more from Elliot's point of view.
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And that's where he would have stayed if he hadn't suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder, and ignoring the tears streaming down his face, he raised his head and turned his gaze. Cragen's voice was soft, almost warm, as he stated:
"She wants to see you."
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Elliot felt as if his brain had stopped working as all activity within it seemed to stop. All he could do was stare at Cragen and blink tears from his eyes. Cragen's soft expression began to harden the longer the silence continued, and finally he frowned.
"Elliot?"
At first Elliot couldn't even get a single sound out, but finally his lips formed a hoarse, silent question:
"Why?"
Cragen removed his hand from his shoulder as he crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes.
"Why wouldn't she?"
The words got stuck in Elliot's throat again as his captain's gaze suddenly became too burning, and he turned his head away. Tears began to burn in the corners of his eyes again, and he had to close his eyes. It was a mistake though, as the image of Olivia wearing a torn dress underneath Mr. Reed returned to his retinas like a flash of lightning, and he couldn't help himself as a sob escaped his lips.
I was supposed to protect her, and I failed her anyway.
Cragen should take my badge off, I'm not…
But then his thoughts were interrupted when he felt someone sit down next to him. With his eyes still closed, he heard his captain's heavy sigh, heard him rub his face before he opened his mouth:
"It wasn't your fault, Elliot."
Elliot swallowed and wiped his eyes before managing to get his voice audible again: "But I…" However, he didn't even have time to start his sentence before Cragen interrupted him. Unlike Elliot's weak and stifled voice, Cragen's voice was clear and firm as he continued:
"No. No 'but'. It wasn't your fault, and you know it too."
"I… I was supposed to… L-look after her," Elliot wiped his eyes again, as despite his efforts, the tears didn't stop rolling down his cheeks.
"You were, and that's what you did," Cragen sighed. "And you did well."
That's when Elliot opened his eyes and turned to look at his captain sitting next to him. The older man's expression didn't even waver as he looked at him, and Elliot frowned.
"But…"
"Did you hear what I said?" Cragen turned his head forward and rubbed his hands over his face. "You were two cops on undercover mission. You, including Olivia, took a conscious risk because it was known from the start that the task would not be easy. Despite the opposition of others, Olivia agreed to act as bait, she was aware of the dangers of the task, but she still wanted to do it of her own free will. However, the situation changed suddenly, and it wasn't your fault that she got into trouble. No, instead you saved her."
Elliot blinked. "I… If I hadn't gone to the bathroom, I could have helped her, and she wouldn't have had to go with Mr. Reed. And then Julia was shot, and the minutes passed and…"
"Wait, what?!" Cragen's eyes widened. "Someone got shot in the bathroom?"
"Yeah…" Elliot rubbed his forehead. He probably should have told him about this earlier, but he had only been able to think of Olivia. "Julia Yellowstone, Mr. Reed's girlfriend. Someone shot her in the bathroom, but I went looking for Liv and I didn't…"
"Did the shooter try to shoot you? Did you see who it was?"
Elliot shook his head. "I don't know. I panicked, and I knew that Liv was in danger, I didn't have time... I didn't..." And then he fell silent, because Gitano's case returned into his mind like a tidal wave. He had abandoned the mission for Olivia, and as a result, the little boy had died. A huge weight of guilt had weighed on him ever since, despite the fact that he had also talked to professionals about it.
"I wish I didn't…"
"Didn't what? Didn't care so much? Elliot, that's what makes you a good partner."
The fact that he cared might make him a good partner, but did it make him a good cop? It was his job to protect civilians, it was Olivia's job too. Danger was part of the job, they were both aware of it, and it hadn't been a problem in the many years they'd been partners.
But lately it had felt like something had changed. Elliot wasn't sure if it had happened slowly and imperceptibly over a long period of time, or if it had happened faster, but he had noticed it for the first time since the Gitano incident.
It was the fear of something happening to Olivia. Fear of they would make a mistake at the fateful moment, and he would lose her. Because in the moment when it had almost happened, he had felt the kind of fear in his heart that he had never felt before. A fear that had taken all the air from his lungs, clouded his thoughts, and made him realize for the first time how much she truly meant to him.
It had been then that he had realized that no matter the situation, no matter his job, Olivia was always his number one priority. The need to protect her was deeper, more primal than his will or common sense.
But despite that, he had blamed the incident on his partner first. His partner, who hadn't asked him for help, his partner who had been millimeters away from death.
What did it say about him?
Cragen watched Elliot silently, and something in his expression told him that this was not the time for asking about the shooting. He sighed deeply and said:
"I know. Trust me, I know. Let's talk about Julia a little later. The most important thing now is that you understand that the situation could have ended much worse. Mr. Reed didn't have time to do what he was going to do to Olivia because you intervened, got you two out of there, and now you're here. You saved her, Elliot, because she's your partner, and that's what you're supposed to do."
Elliot didn't say anything but bit his lip. Cragen's words eased the guilt inside him, but even so, a small, malicious voice in the back of his head didn't leave him alone. Olivia had trusted him, and he had…
"And now, Elliot, that partner is waiting for you in the ambulance, shocked, surrounded by strangers. She wants you there because you are the only one she trusts completely. So, you know what you have to do."
Elliot glanced uncertainly at the ambulance, but then he nodded and slowly got to his feet. Without looking back, he started heading towards the ambulance, every step he took felt like his feet would get stuck in glue, but the thought of Olivia made him take another step time after time.
And then he found himself at the ambulance door, and he swallowed and knocked on the door.
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Elliot spotted Olivia as soon as the nurse opened the door, and he stepped inside. She was sitting on the ambulance bed with her legs against her chest, still wearing his suit jacket, but also had a blanket wrapped around her legs. She suddenly looked so small and scared that tears welled up in his eyes again.
But then she noticed him, and something inexplicable flashed across her face. Elliot wasn't sure if it was disappointment or relief, but he hoped it was the latter.
"Hey," her voice was quiet, and Elliot felt a lump rise in his throat.
"Hey," he replied, and barely managed to keep his voice together so it didn't break.
"You have five minutes," one of the nurses announced as he stepped out the door, and then silence descended on the ambulance. Elliot was still standing in front of the door, tears burning in his eyes, and he wanted to slap himself.
Liv is the victim here, not you.
You should be there for her and not the other way around.
And then his barely audible words broke the silence:
"I'm sorry."
"Why?" Olivia's voice was no longer weak, confusion had given it strength. That made Elliot lift his gaze.
"Because I couldn't protect you. I promised you that that man won't touch you, and I…" And then his voice finally shattered, but Olivia just looked at him, blinking in wonder. But then she said:
"Come here."
It was Elliot's turn to be confused, but after looking at his partner for a few seconds, he took the few missing steps towards her bed and stopped next to her. He was even more confused when Olivia looked at him with her brown eyes glittering with tears and asked:
"Could you sit down?"
Elliot sat on the edge of her bed and silently looked at his partner whose chin was starting to quiver, and tears started to fall down her cheeks. A lump began to rise in his throat again, but he began nonetheless:
"I…"
But he didn't have time to say more because then Olivia grabbed him and buried her face in his shirt. Elliot didn't say anything, just wrapped his arms around her shaking body and pulled her tighter into his arms. Tears clouded his eyes as he buried his face in her hair and let her cry.
And for a while there were only the two of them in the world.