Chapter Eleven: Icarus
Dimitri
Unaware of my surroundings, my feet carried me through the long and seemingly infinite corridors, which blurred together seamlessly one giant portrait of a past monarch after the other. All was calm and serene in the castle, and I could only imagine that the dinner party was still in full swing. Guards patrolled the halls always alert for any intrusions. Some of the guards nodded or saluted me acknowledging I was a guest of Their Majesties while others simply ignored me. I paid no mind though as my thoughts were elsewhere caught in the mental maze of my own making. I pondered all my missteps, all the wrong things I had said and done since arriving in Turkey leading up to the major disaster I had on my hands.
There was no one to blame but myself for falling in love with the princess and subsequently professing those feelings to her. I leaned against a wall and rubbed my face suddenly overwhelmingly fatigued wondering how I could make such a monumental mistake of confessing such forbidden feelings. The champagne and Lion's Milk were to blame; I couldn't remember the last time I had been truly intoxicated. No, I couldn't simply blame the drunkenness for my mistake. There were many factors involved in my mishap. Jealousy had reared its ugly head tonight upon seeing Adrian parading Rose in front of me attempting to get a reaction out of me. Well, Lord Ivashkov had succeeded, and I had reacted recklessly and in the process destroyed the already fragile friendship with Rose.
I shook my head knowing I couldn't blame Ivashkov for that either, well, at least not completely. If I had decided to be honest with Rose, I would have told her the truth of my origins. Undoubtedly, Adrian followed through with his promise of uncovering my lies and telling Rose the truth of my diplomat disguise. Despite being exposed, I felt a sense of immense relief not having to keep up with one more lie. I simply wished I could have been more honest with Rose. I wished I could tell her everything without risking her wrath and hatred. I had sworn to her my intentions weren't to hurt her family or her, but my mission had been clear: reestablish Russia as allies to Turkey or overthrow the Turkish Monarchy by force. Would she still accept me after hearing the whole truth?
I knew the answer before I could even finish the thought in my head: no. I saw it in her eyes and heard in her voice the pain of betrayal and disappointment. Eddie had warned me Rose was benevolent but not forgiving. I could tell the only reason why she hadn't demanded I leave her country was because of her father's trust in me and her feelings for me. The kiss, which I had no right stealing from her, allowed me to feel her inner struggle. Her body had trembled in my arms afraid of what was happening, but her lips molded against mine showing me she wanted the kiss as badly as I did. However, her instructions were clear, and I had to forget the kiss ever happened even though it did. I could still feel her trembling, fragile, and warm body in my arms. Her lips which tasted of apricots and honey were soft and sweet like petals against mine moving in sync.
I sighed and lowered myself onto the ground. Rose was so young, yet she was wiser and more controlled than me. Often she spoke of how easy it was for her to say the wrong thing, but tonight she proved she was stronger than she gave herself credit. There was no easy way to end something so wonderful before it even began. I could show her true love and happiness, and she could be free to be herself. There would be no need for her to hide her true feelings and thoughts. I would listen to her into the late hours of the night talking about anything and nothing. But as she reminded me, we could never be.
Our feelings weren't just forbidden, and it wasn't just the impending nuptials to Lord Adrian Ivashkov. It was that I was imperfect, a sinner. I killed, lied, and was selfish. I had spilled my share of blood, directly and indirectly. I killed men under the orders of my government without questioning whether their guilt was proven and justified. I killed boys in battle simply because they were on the opposite side of the argument. I lied to get into people's heads and learn everything I could about them only to betray their trust later. I lied to my family about certain aspects of my life. Worst of all, I selfishly believed all of those crimes were committed with the purest of intentions. For the peace of my mind, I convinced myself all the killing was to make my country, and others, safe. The lies were necessary, so my family wouldn't worry about my safety.
There was no excuse for lying to Rose. I wasn't protecting her from the truth or sparing her the pain that the first man she trusted with secrets and dreams was a fraud. I lied for my benefit because I wasn't ready to let go of her. I shouldn't have shared my feelings because they were a burden Rose didn't need. She had more important matters to tend to, the future of her country, and her future as Queen and wife. Nothing I said, not even the kiss, would change our Fate. She was destined for greatness, and I was destined to a life of deceit and death. Rose didn't need a man like me in her life. Somehow, I had to put my feelings aside and try to fix the mess I created and salvage a friendship with the princess.
I couldn't be selfish any longer and had to stop whispering sweet nothings in Rose's ear. I was simply wounding her further by reminding her she had no freedom to shape her Destiny, so I had to respect her choice and be whatever she wanted me to be. I would be her friend and simply listen to her woes. I would be her ally and help her with simple and possible tasks. I couldn't save her from an arranged marriage, I couldn't fix her country with the snap of my fingers, but I could help her find ways to unify it. The King tasked Rose and me with finding a solution to the witches, and though I told Tatiana I would speak to the King about ending my involvement in the matter, I wasn't going to abandon Rose when she needed guidance. I would also continue our lessons in self-defense. Hearing her speak so fervently against people putting their lives on the line for her, though necessary, I would help ease her mind. She didn't have to feel helpless and weak because I knew there was more to her than carrying a crown on her head, she certainly did that very well too.
Once I was truly committed and devoted to Rose, I felt a new wave of guilt in my gut. What about my family? My grandmother had warned me about the test to my duty, and she advised me to listen to my heart. But my family would pay the consequences of my actions, and it was unfair to rely on her to protect them. Their safety was my responsibility and my duty, too. I was torn between them and Rose. How could I choose?
"There's power in our blood," Babushka said as she stirred the cauldron over the fireplace. The house smelled of rosemary, thistle, lavender, and wine. "And there will always be those who fear it. We're not afraid, Dimka. Death is part of the journey; life is temporary. However, our magic must live."
"How? If we're gone, who will carry the magic? And why do people hate magic?" As a young child, I couldn't understand how people could despise magic. If only they could see what I saw every day, they would think differently. Seeing Babushka mend broken arms, or ease people's pain suffering from strange illnesses was miraculous and wonderful. My fondest memories were the late nights as Babuska made potions and spells, and it was a treat that she always allowed me to watch as she worked.
"You are young, Dimka. You see the world through innocent eyes, but one day you will see that when people are afraid, they do stupid and horrible things." Babushka said handing me a glass of the potion she was brewing. "Many times, the Belikovs have been close to the end, but we are resilient. We are strong, and the magic will find a way. Now drink. This will help you sleep. If your mother finds out you were up late, she will be upset."
"I don't want to sleep," I whined sniffing the warm liquid. "I want to hear more. You never talk about our family."
"Sometimes, it's best to live in the shadows. For the sake of your loved ones." Her eyes met mine. "Sometimes the best way to save your family is to hide who you truly are."
Recalling that memory didn't do much to calm my nerves and help me make my choice easier. I had no option but trust my grandmother. She promised many times they would be fine with whatever choice I made. I had to believe that the power she spoke of would be enough to protect them from my enemies. Regardless, I decided to return to my room and write a letter to Babushka warning her that a storm could be heading their way, and they had to prepare. The guilt was still there, and I hoped my mother and sisters wouldn't resent me for putting them in danger and choosing a stranger, to them, over the family.
With my heart so torn, I made my way to my room as my mind searched for the right words to convey my message to my family that would ease their worries and perhaps hatred for my choice. Somehow, I had to believe they would accept my choice. My mother was kind as were my sisters. Saving Rose, an innocent woman, was the right thing to do, and my mother had raised us to always do the right thing even if I didn't always do it. I often lied even though lying was universally known as bad. I killed many, but I hoped by doing so I was saving the world from murderers and tyrants. Without realizing I was being selfish again coming up with reasons for the bad things I did. If my soul was so damaged, what was the point of trying to do the right thing? Why not do as I please? Why not simply take Rose away and get lost in the crowds?
The thoughts sounded so foreign in my head, I froze mid-step and listened to those thoughts as if I could decipher where they were coming from. I felt a chill down my spine as I dug deeper into my mind and found darker impulses and surprisingly my desire to act on them. It would be so easy to lure Rose into the gardens alone. I could get my hands on a map and find a route to escape, find a train to Budapest and never look back. The world has seen very little of Rose, so she would be unrecognizable simply another pretty face in the city. I would find work as security for a bank. If we were caught, I would fight until my last breath. Everything sounded so simple, so why not do it? Was I truly selfish enough to start a war between two powerful countries that would leave countless casualties? Would it be worth it, in the end, to live a life knowing what I had done? Was I evil enough to force Rose into going against her duty? If I followed through with this dark fantasy, would Rose still love me?
Thoughts of her seemed to dissipate the darkness growing inside me. The disappointment I saw in her eyes that night was enough reason for me to fight to be a better man. Forcing Rose to choose between her country and me wasn't the noble thing to do. I shouldn't have to ask her to choose. If we were meant to be, I wanted her to have it all because she deserved it and more.
Tragically, those sad thoughts were all I needed to snap out of my dark fantasy and return to real life where I was still no one in love with a princess. I shook my head as more gloomy thoughts threatened to overcome me. I had to be strong for God's sake. I had faced enemies with bullets raining down on me, I faced death many times, and I could kick serious ass. I wasn't going to let heartbreak bring me down not when lives were still on the line. I stood up straight and inhaled deeply finding that strength my Babushka said our family possessed. Somehow, I did feel stronger and more determined to succeed in my mission. I resumed my walking heading toward the East Wing where my room was located; however, I didn't make it far when I heard footsteps nearing behind me followed by my name being called.
"Dimitri!" Natalie's shrill voice called out, and I turned to find her running, well, more like stumbling towards me. Her cheeks were blushed, and I knew it wasn't just because of the running. Something told me Lady Natalie might have had too much to drink, and it was confirmed when she drew nearer she tripped over the fabric of her dress.
Instinctively, I reached out and caught her before her face made contact with the floor. With a grunt, I helped her get back on her feet. As she stood though, Natalie clung to my arm gripping it with both of her hands almost like a boa constrictor to a prey. I felt uncomfortable having her pressed against me, but I dared not offend her. I faintly recalled amidst my jealousy watching Rose and Adrian dancing, blatantly ignoring Lady Natalie Dashkov. If the lady wasn't so clueless, she might have proclaimed my offense to her father, though something told me she would if I didn't tread carefully. I had a feeling that because of the tragic passing of her mother, Natalie was very much spoiled.
"Oh my goodness," Natalie giggled. "What strong arms you have… Better to hold me?" She threw her head back and laughed.
"You must be careful, Lady Natalie," I said carefully trying to pry her hand from my arm, but she was relentless. Suddenly, I understood Rose's warning about Natalie hadn't been out of jealousy. Young Natalie was infatuated with me, and she had been drinking with Adrian, no doubt. "I can find someone to escort you back to the party."
"I found the party," she laughed and positioned her body against my chest. She looked around as if making sure no one was around. "I have something to say…"
"Don't," I smiled tightly and tried to once again gently push her away. "I'm sure whatever you have to say can wait until tomorrow, Lady Natalie. It's rather late, and I am sure your father is missing you."
Natalie pouted. "I have to tell you now. Tomorrow, I will not have the courage to do so." If possible, the blush on her cheeks deepened, and she took a deep breath. "Adrian said if I want something in life, I have to be brave. I have to brave enough to take what I want and claim it as mine because if I do not, people will walk all over me, my happiness is simply going to walk past me, and one day it will be too late."
"I'm not sure that's quite how it works, Lady Natalie," I shouldn't encourage her to continue talking, but I saw Natalie as someone seeking guidance, and Adrian had been a bad choice. "Patience is a virtue, as they say."
She was silent for a second, and I thought maybe I got through to her when she continued. "Waiting is boring and for commoners," she moved closer and splayed her fingers on my chest. "Adrian is right. I must take what I want, and what I want is you, Mr. Belikov."
"Lady Natalie," I cleared my throat and took her wrists firmly. I was past pleasantries, and I had to stop her from embarrassing herself further. "I am not suitable for you, and I apologize if I made you believe anything could happen between us."
"Do not be silly," she hiccupped hitting me with the smell of liquor. I wondered what Adrian had given the poor girl and contemplated if I could get away with maiming him for putting Natalie and me in this predicament. "You are just enough for me. No one has to know about this, and this means nothing. One day, my father and my uncles will find a husband for me, someone who will be wealthy, older, probably not a sense of humor, and certainly not as handsome as you. I just want some fun." She pouted and stomped her feet on the ground driving home her youth and immaturity.
"Lady Natalie, you must stop this nonsense. You will regret these words in the morning, so I suggest you save yourself the embarrassment and salvage your reputation while you still can." I pushed her away. "I am sorry, but I must decline your advances. Nothing can happen between us. Ever."
The blush suddenly expanded from her cheeks to her neck. Her mouth opened and closed several times as her eyes slowly gathered moisture. I was dreading the moment she reacted because she could very well start to weep drawing attention to us, and I would have to explain the situation to guards and soon enough the King and Lord Dashkov. How could I tell them that innocent Natalie had proposed an affair? They would surely believe her over me, and she could easily make my life hell. I wondered if Rose could save me from this. Since when I did I screw up so royally? Since when did I need saving?
To my surprise, Natalie burst into laughter again. "Are you serious? You are seriously rejecting me? Lady Dashkov?" She scoffed and shook her head in disbelief. "How dare you? I can make your life a nightmare, or I can help you. You give me a night I will never forget, and I will pay you handsomely. You can live the rest of your days in comfort. The choice is rather easy, Mr. Belikov."
"There is no choice, Lady Dashkov," I said gripping her hands once again ready to shove her once more. I no longer cared who I offended. "I do not respond well to threats. You are playing with fire."
"What is life without a little danger?" Natalie whispered. The air turned humid and thin, and a crackling sound filled my ears. My limbs seemed to turn into rocks, and I found I couldn't make them work to push her away. "I know you like danger otherwise you would not set your eyes upon the princess. She will never reciprocate not when she has Adrian Ivashkov as her future husband. Next to Adrian, you are no one."
"You are correct," I said through gritted teeth. I didn't need to be reminded of the forbidden love I felt for the princess especially not from a child. The air cleared, and I felt it return to my lungs and with it the use of my arms. I released her from my grip but took a step back and glared down at her. "I am no one, and as such, I would never dream of romancing the princess. I suggest you leave right now, Lady Natalie, and forget about these outrageous accusations and silly fantasies of yours."
"What are you doing?" Natalie frowned tilting her head to the side and watching me closely like I had grown a second head. I had been correct assuming she was spoiled and was probably not used to hearing no. Clearly, the shy Natalie was simply a mask and this was the true Lady Dashkov: entitled and privileged. I knew no one was who they seemed. "Is this your final answer?" I didn't respond. "Very well. I expect His Majesty will hear about your gross advances towards me and will want you out of his castle and his country. If I were you, I would pack my things tonight."
Before I could say anything, possibly the wrong thing, Eddie made his way towards us with his hands behind his back and his eyes darting between Natalie and me no doubt assessing the situation. Natalie looked a little disheveled, which I had just noticed, with her hair wild and dress torn from where she had stepped on the fabric as she tripped. Her eyes were red from the spilled tears. This could spell trouble for me.
"Lady Natalie," Eddie nodded his head politely showing no emotion on his face. "I have been sent to escort you to your room. His Majesty decided his guests shall remain in the castle for the night."
"Why?" Natalie sniffled and turned sheepish putting her mask back on of naïve little girl. "Is papa well?"
"Yes, I apologize. I did not mean to alarm you. Everyone has had too much to drink, and the King has decided the best option is for all to stay the night." Eddie explained.
"Very well then," Natalie began to walk away without another word or glance in my direction. I hoped she could sleep away all her accusations and anger, or I didn't know what to do to escape this predicament I put myself in. I shouldn't have encouraged her, but I needed information on the Royal Family and those closest to them. I might have gotten more than I bargained for.
"Mr. Belikov," Eddie nodded meeting my eyes before turning to leave. On his way, he dropped a piece of paper which I ignored until Natalie and Eddie had taken a corner.
Once they were out of view, I bent to pick up the paper folded so neatly and small I wondered if I had been meant to find it. With nothing to lose, I unfolded it to find what I assumed to be Eddie's handwriting neatly and perfectly in Russian I wondered how he had learned the language so fluently.
"The Princess has ordered us to watch you and your associate closely. While she believes you are here in good faith, she does not believe you have been fully honest. You must put distance between you and her for now. Do not give her reason to distrust you again or all will be lost. I told you she wasn't forgiving but for you, she seems to have made an exception. Don't waste this second chance. I will be watching."
With that foreboding letter, I resumed my walk to my room. Inside, I went straight to the fireplace and threw the letter onto the fire destroying evidence of correspondence with our spy. Despite knowing Eddie for very little time and having no background information on him, I decided not to disregard his warning. I had to put distance between Rose and me. I would have to find a balance in helping her and staying away.
I tried my best to put all thoughts aside of Rose, Natalie, and Eddie choosing to focus on writing a letter to my family. Several attempts letter, I gave up on trying to write anything. I decided to call the next opportunity I could because of what I wanted to say they had to hear it. I couldn't risk the letter falling into the wrong hands not when I was confessing to treason against Russia. As long as Eddie and I kept Arthur and the czar happy, my family would be safe.
I prepared for bed but before lying down, I knocked on Christian's door to check on him. When he didn't respond, I assumed he was sleeping possibly drunk. A lot of that seemed to be going around. Climbing into bed with a book, I realized my drunkenness had faded, and I wondered if I had even been drunk to begin with. I still couldn't focus on the book; I read the same sentence multiple times before I found my thoughts wandering to Rose and her soft lips again. I closed my eyes, and I could almost feel her in my arms again her scent of tulips and apricots. Not long after, I drifted off to sleep.
One second, there was darkness and nothingness like an abyss. Next thing I knew there was a starry night, city lights, and animated voices. People went about their business hurriedly past me as I sat on a table with a cup of hot liquid in front of me. The sidewalk was packed with people speaking different languages and carrying many bags. Laughter, music, pastries and exquisite food filled the air with intoxicating aromas. Around me, groups of people enjoyed their meal oblivious to the world. I sat alone, but it was by design. I wasn't here to enjoy this city or everything it had to offer. I was working. I sipped on the hot liquid and found hot chocolate rich and sweet just as she liked it.
My eyes scanned the crowds moving past the café. I had been waiting for so long, and I could hardly stay still any longer. My leg bounced, and I didn't know quite what to do with my hands. I held the mug to keep them warm, but it was just a habit. I didn't feel the winter air around me. I was high on adrenaline pumping in my veins I wondered if I would be discovered. She was too busy to notice. She walked past me without a glance in my direction, and I jumped out of my seat. I silently cursed myself for the sudden movement. She paid no mind. She was busy. I followed closely yet giving her enough room to move. My feet crunched the freshly fallen snow as I rounded a corner into a dark alley. There she stood with her back to me. There was so much to say, yet I couldn't find the words.
Slowly, she turned to face me. Her face was covered in blood as were her hands which held a heart. Her lips parted with a wicked smile and her eyes, no. Those weren't her eyes. This wasn't her. This wasn't my Roza. She sprang into action discarding the heart on the cold ground and came for mine. I expected such and met her with an object I didn't know I had a second ago. Her lips parted in a surprised gasp as she slowly went limp in my arms. I knelt down and held her seeing for the first time the object I had pierced her heart with. A silver stake.
I jumped out of bed gasping for breath and dripping sweat. My knees felt weak and a pain threatened to make my head explode. I fell to the ground on all fours as I trembled. For a long time, the dream had been recurring: a hill, the ocean, a woman at the top, and her jumping to her death before I could reach her. Where had this one come from? I could only assume it was coincidence as I had fallen asleep thinking of Rose. I had told her I saw her in my dreams but not like this. I killed her. How could I kill her? Christian might have been right, and I had to speak to Babushka. These visions were getting out of control. She was the only one who could help me stop this, or at least explain if I was becoming… No. I couldn't be; I didn't carry the magic. I was ordinary. I wanted so fervently to be so because otherwise it meant I would one day kill the woman I loved.
Slowly, I stood up and stumbled to the bathroom where I violently threw up at the thought of Rose gone and by my hand. A world without her was impossible to imagine, and I hated thinking of it much less seeing it play out in my nightmares. I jumped in the shower, brushed my teeth, dressed, and headed out to find Rose. Despite my resolve to put distance between us only to be near her when working on our task, I had to be sure she was alive and well. For a second, the thought occurred to me that as long as I stayed away, she would be fine, but I had to see her for myself. The nightmare felt too real. I felt her body, trembling with life the night before, suddenly limp. I felt the warmth of her blood seeping my hands from her mortal wound. I closed my eyes and shook my head willing the image away.
When I stepped out of my room, I noticed a lot more activity, and it dawned on me that I hadn't even checked the time. It could have been the middle of the night, and I was rushing to rouse the Princess from her sleep. I stopped near a giant grandfather clock and saw it was twenty past eleven in the morning. I hadn't slept in since Christmas when I was six years old. I stopped the nearest servant a young girl with blonde curls tied in a low ponytail.
"Good morning," I greeted with a smile. It must have come out all wrong because the servant girl frowned and kept her distance. "I was wondering where I could find the Princess."
"She is currently in one of her lessons in the main library," the girl responded and tried to move along.
"I'm sorry one more question, do you know how long she will be in there?"
She shrugged. "It depends if Kirova is in a good mood, and if the Princess is compliant." She smiled amused then went about her chores.
I sighed knowing I wouldn't get to see Rose any time soon. I knew I should try to speak with the King and get ahead of Natalie feeding the nobles lies about me. However, I couldn't find it in myself to care about a spoiled brat. Instead, I had to distract myself from my nightmare. I decided to take a stroll through the gardens. The gardeners were as usual busy tending to the massive grounds. One was cutting tulips and arranging them in a basket possibly for flower arrangements for the castle. I recalled Lissa had said the rose garden was Rose's favorite. With a destination and task in mind, I kept thoughts of Rose dying at bay.
Not too long after arriving at the rose gardens where I met the Princess, footsteps joined me, and I turned to find Christian groaning and rubbing his head. He still wore the clothes from the previous night and was utterly disheveled. Seeing him as such, I assumed this was the reason he never answered his door because Christian never made it to his room last night. I sighed and bit back my tongue as I pieced things together. I didn't have the morality to chastise him in decorum, not after my own fiasco with Rose. Instead, I waited for him to acknowledge me if he even noticed I was standing right in front of him.
"Good morning, Christian," I greeted him when I realized he was too preoccupied with his hungover and piecing things together a lot slower than me. "Did you sleep well?"
"Dimitri, hi. Hello. Good morning, sir." Christian cleared his throat and stood up straight as I was inspecting his uniform as I did many times in the past. "I did."
"Good," I turned back to my task of picking the loveliest roses and waited for Christian to explain.
"I spent the night with Lady Lissa," he shared quietly. "I will accept any punishment you deem necessary. I disobeyed your orders of treading carefully, but I won't apologize. I don't regret my choice."
I sighed. "I can't punish you if you're not sorry. You wouldn't learn your lesson." I turned to him. "Caution is out the window. We're both in deeper than I thought."
"What do you mean?" Christian frowned. "Are we compromised?"
I explained to him the events of the previous night leaving out the part where I kissed Rose. I did, however, tell him of my vision. There was silence between us. He was lost in his thoughts processing the events through his hazy mind while I continued choosing roses. I averted red ones reminded of the blood on my hands. Her blood and the meaning behind them. I didn't need to remind her of my love. Instead, I settled for yellow meaning friendship.
"What are you doing?" Christian asked as I began to pick the roses careful of its thorns.
"For the Princess. I'm hoping I can get back on her good side." I shrugged. "At this point, I'm willing to try anything to salvage our mission."
"Good luck with that," Christian snorted, and I ignored him unwilling to amuse him in his teasing. I was worried he didn't seem more concerned about the precarious situation we had found ourselves in. Once the high of being in love and hungover wore off, he would come running worried. "Your visions are predictions, correct?" He asked in Russian after moments of silence.
"That's what Babushka says," I responded continuing my work.
"You think you're going to kill her?"
I sighed and turned to him. "I would rather we don't speak of this at all. Murdering a noble is not necessarily how we get back on track."
"Because you love her," Christian added smugly. "I have never seen you like this. Picking flowers? Who knew you were a romantic?"
"I won't punish you for disobedience, but I will not tolerate disrespect. I am still your commanding officer." I said too forcefully and instantly I regretted it.
"Sorry, sir." Christian bowed his head in shame but didn't stop there. "I think your vision is about her stealing your heart. We're both in love with people we can't have. Yours is far worse. Your heart is going to broken or in this case, ripped out of your chest."
"Christian," I groaned. "I don't want to speak about this any longer. Go make yourself presentable. We might need to go grovel at the King's feet if I can't fix this."
With a salute in my direction, Christian left me to my task and my thoughts still on Rose. A few hours later, I decided to venture into the library hoping the Princess was done with lessons or close to it. If not, I could linger and explore the library.
I found Rose sitting on a table by the window her hair was loose in soft waves, and she wore an olive dress with red heels. Her head was bent as she read a piece of paper in front of her with a smile on her lips. She looked like an angel and all hope I had at remaining a friend flew out the window. I wanted nothing more than look at her all day even if I wasn't the one to make her smile.
"Good morning, Mr. Belikov," Adrian appeared from behind a bookshelf to Rose's right. He greeted me with a mischievous smile and an unlit cigarette on his lips. "We missed you at breakfast. We thought we would let you sleep. I hear you had an eventful night. Lion's Milk is not for everyone." He tsked and sat next to Rose. He pointed to the chair opposite them. "Please sit. I hope those flowers are for me. I do love roses. The Princess hates them."
"I do not hate them. I think they are cliché. How many men have brought me roses simply because of my name?" Rose sighed looking up from her reading material and looking at me pathetically holding the roses. "Oh." Probably seeing my embarrassment, she looked away back to her paper.
"Too many to count," Adrian chuckled. "There was that fellow from Wales. A distant cousin of the Queen, what was his name? He sent you thirty bouquets of roses on your sixteenth birthday. I think you threw them out your window."
Rose said nothing continuing to look at the paper in front of her. As for me, I was frozen, embarrassed, and relieved. There she was alive and well. I felt the air return to my lungs as if I had been holding my breath until I laid eyes on her even if she was in the company of the pain of my existence. Adrian was enjoying my embarrassment too much. I swore I remembered Lissa mention the rose was the Princess' favorite as Lissa gave us a tour. Perhaps I had heard wrong.
"I apologize," I cleared my throat and set the flowers down on the table. "I didn't mean to interrupt. I will return later."
"No, please sit." Adrian insisted.
"Thank you, but I'm sure you and the Princess…"
"Sit, Mr. Belikov," Rose said firmly and passed the paper she was reading to Adrian as she avoided my eyes. "I insist."
"Her Highness insists," Adrian smirked behind the unlit cigarette. I wanted nothing more than to wipe the smugness from his face with my fists. I took a deep breath. No need to let anger get the best of me and make matters worse.
"As you command, Your Highness," I bowed and took the chair.
"I think your speech needs work," Rose turned to Adrian ignoring my presence and pinching his cheek. If this was her way of torturing me for the previous night, I preferred being back in the middle of a war. "It needs more kissing the Princess' ass and less flattering the King. It's my birthday celebration after all."
Adrian folded the paper and tucked it in his jacket. "I will make the necessary adjustments."
"Perhaps get rid of the initial poem?" Rose smiled recalling the aforementioned poem no doubt.
"I spent hours working on it!" Adrian pouted.
"Poetry is not your thing, Adrian. How many times do I have to tell you?" Finally, her eyes left him and as she looked at me, all light and amusement faded. Instead, I knew she was recalling the night before when she found out I had been lying. Rose straightened in her chair. "Now, run along and work on your speech. Mr. Belikov and I have work."
"Can I stay?" Adrian was like a child bouncing in his chair with excitement. "I would love to hear how you're going to change the world."
"No. You can't sit still for long, you will grow bored, and you will be a distraction. Go somewhere else, I command it. I will meet you later in the drawing-room." Rose shoved him forcing Adrian to get up. Like me, he had no option but follow instructions.
He groaned. "As Your Highness commands," he kissed the top of her head and spared me a glance before he left. "Edison! You can stop lurking now. The Princess and I are done making out."
Rose shook her head as Eddie made an appearance from behind a bookshelf. He nodded towards me politely acknowledging my presence but said nothing else to me. His warning was very much on my mind still. I wondered if he had spent the night watching me or had Mason been tasked to do so? I wondered if at any point the Princess' surveillance of me left her unprotected considering Grant followed Lissa like a shadow protecting her from Christian.
"Do you need me, Your Highness?" He asked closing his book and standing tall and ready for any command.
"No. You may return to your post, Eddie. Mr. Belikov and I will be working." Rose opened her notepad and picked up a pen. "Shall we?"
"Certainly," I cleared my throat. I knew I should move forward and forget what happened the night before. The Princess wanted to pretend like it never happened, so I had to respect her wishes. Seeing Ivashkov near her like a fucking vulture clearly pushing my buttons wasn't helping my resolve to be her friend. I wanted to be the reason she smiled and lit up with light and amusement. I wanted to be the one to kiss her head and put my arm around her. But I woke up this morning still a nobody, and I had to accept it. So why couldn't I? Adrian couldn't leave well enough alone and neither could I. "First, I need to apologize. I can't simply blame Lion's Milk for my behavior last night. I won't reiterate my feelings. I won't mention them again…"
"You are," Rose set her pen down and leaned back in her chair. "I said nothing happened and to forget about it. What part of that don't you understand?"
My jaw clenched. I accepted her anger, but it didn't mean I liked it. I didn't like hearing her talk with such disdain for me. "All of it. That's not how this works, Your Highness. Feelings simply don't fade away. You have to give me time, but you and Adrian must stop toying with me. I don't know what…"
"Toying with you?" Rose scoffed and interlaced her hands together on the table. "Not everything is about you. You think so highly of yourself to think we are doing what exactly? Trying to make you jealous? For what purpose?"
"To get a reaction out of me," I said a little too loudly. I inhaled sharply and forced my frustration to remain at bay. This wasn't Rose's fault; I had no one to blame but myself. "You are correct. This isn't about me; it's about you." I leaned back on my chair and ran my hand through my hair pausing to choose my words carefully. I looked up at her and saw her watching me intently allowing me to gather my thoughts and speak my piece. It was hard to focus on my thoughts and what I wanted to say when she looked so regal with the sunlight streaming through the window catching her eyes, and I saw again those specks of gold from our first meeting. Her lips reminded me of the previous night though they remained in a firm thin line as if holding back her own frustration, I knew those lips were softer than petals. I wanted so badly to caress her cheek and take her into my arms, but those were the exact dangerous thoughts I had to steer clear from.
"It's about you and the kind of queen I know you can be. You can be great, Rose. You have grace, kindness, love, wisdom, and a powerful name tied to a strong royal bloodline centuries old. Not many monarchs possess all those traits and your people are lucky to have you. I understand I failed you by betraying your trust; you allowed me into your life, into your secrets and desires, and I repaid you with deceit. From here on, I will not hide my intentions. I want to help you be a great queen, one the people all over the world will adore and countries will appreciate as an ally. Let me in, and I will not fail you again. Allow me the chance to prove I can be loyal and trustworthy. Draw a line in the sand, and I will never dare cross it again." I paused to lick my lips expecting her to say something, but she stayed silent and motionless, so I continued. "I know my word doesn't mean much to you anymore. How about actions? You can ask me one question a day about my life, and I will answer truthfully… to the best of my ability."
"The best of your ability?" She shifted suddenly interested in what I had to offer: insight into my life. I knew I shouldn't have offered, but I could tell my speech wasn't getting me close to her again. "What does that mean?"
I sighed. "As I said last night, I have to be whatever the czar needs me to be. I have done some atrocious things. Things that could put my family in danger. I have to hide who I am to keep my loved ones safe, you understand, Your Highness? I'm not a good man…"
I trailed off as moments from my past flashed before my eyes. The lives I took, the lives taken from me; it was all a vicious circle I voluntarily joined not knowing how my deeds would follow me throughout my life like a dark cloud constantly reminding me I was no longer good. I was a sinner and a killer, and no matter how much I prayed for salvation, I knew I was doomed. Now, Rose knew as well, and I felt smaller still because it was in the open how unworthy I was of her, and that's why I would never again speak of my love for her.
Rose sighed, stood up, and walked towards the window where she looked out into her gardens. She was silent no doubt processing my words and deciding my fate. I felt like I had been waiting centuries when she finally turned to me again, and her face was softer, her eyes kinder, and her lips were no longer pressed together in anger. She sat on the chair to my right, closer, and placed her interlaced hands on the table.
"You are not a bad man," she said softly and paused. "I think you and I are in similar positions because we do what we must for duty. You chose yours, and I was born with mine, but it's the same. We will do things normal people wouldn't, we make choices that are nearly impossible but have to be made, and it's all in the name of duty and loyalty to something greater than us. I understand now why you can't tell me everything. I wished you had been honest about all this from the beginning, but how could I ask for honesty when you barely knew me? Just as I barely knew you, and I should have refrained from sharing so much about me, but like you, I feel at ease around you. I shouldn't. For one, I thought your country had been responsible for the death of my grandfather. Now, I know it was the witches, and I don't want to blame them. We have been hurting each other for too long, and I just want to put all this hatred and bloodshed behind us. Just as I want to put our strife behind us." She extended her right hand out to me. "How about we start from the beginning? I'm Rose."
"Dimitri Belikov, at your service, Your Highness," I took her hand and shook it aware of the intense warmth of her hand and the shocking energy as our hands met. If she felt it, she simply ignored it retaining a friendly smile on her lips. Things between us had changed, and I had to wait patiently to find out if it had been for the best or worst.
"Now," she let go of my hand and cleared her throat. "That still doesn't mean I don't have rules, or, as you said, a line to draw in the sand. I don't agree with one question per day. I say at least three, but if you can't answer one, you have to be honest and tell me if answering puts your family at risk. You will continue to teach me self-defense. Lastly, you have to be punished."
"Punished?" I arched my eyebrows unsure if she was teasing or serious. Her face gave nothing away as she nodded. "For my deceit? I suppose I earned it. What do you have in mind?"
"The roses," she pointed at the wilting flowers on the table. "It's a crime to pick flowers from the Royal Garden without approval."
"Is that so? I apologize, Your Highness. I wasn't aware. In fact, I am embarrassed to say I thought roses were your favorite. I heard Lady Lissa mention the rose gardens were your favorite, so I assumed…" I trailed off sheepishly. "But I will take any punishment you deem necessary."
To my surprise, she started to laugh. Her hands covered her lips as she continued in her fit of laughter, her eyes glistening with tears of amusement. I wasn't sure what I had said or done to cause such a reaction, but I hoped I could always find a way to make her laugh.
"The rose gardens are my favorite because the hedges are so tall and thick with rose bushes, they're ideal for my training sessions with Mason. Lissa couldn't tell you the reason; we hardly knew you." Rose paused to breathe and wipe tears from her eyes. "Also, I'm only joking about it being a crime. However, I will have you thrown in the dungeon if you bring me roses again."
Her tone was so serious, I was having a hard time deciphering when she was joking and when she wasn't. One moment, she was laughing the next she was threatening to have me thrown in prison. Perhaps she was having a hard time trying to decide herself how to feel about our newfound understanding. However, I should have known bringing flowers to her was probably foolish of me especially considering I was supposed to overcome my feelings for her, and picking flowers for her was a romantic gesture reserved for her future husband.
"I apologize. I understand I crossed the line with the flowers, but I simply wanted you to know how sorry I was for lying and wanted to mend our friendship. If I do such a thing again, I will voluntarily walk into the dungeon myself."
"I'm only joking," Rose chuckled. "You are easily rattled, Dimitri. I just don't like roses, as I said. You couldn't have known, and it's certainly not a crime unless you send me roses deliberately to displease me."
"Well, in the spirit of starting over and to prevent me from ever making such a monumental mistake again," from my duster, I pulled out my notepad where I often wrote letters, daily reminders, and reports to my superiors, and readied myself to take notes on likes and dislikes of the princess. "What is your favorite flower, Your Highness?"
Rose's lips twitched in amusement watching me press my pen to paper. "I don't think I have a favorite flower. I'm not a flower kind of girl, but if I had to pick one… Thistle. My mother's home is famous for them. Sometimes we get them imported but they're not the same. I'd love to see a field of it as my mother described watching from her bedroom window as a little girl."
"The Queen is from Scotland, correct?"
"Yes. Have you ever been?" Her eyes glistened with curiosity eager to hear of places she has never been but hopefully one day see for herself on her royal visits.
"I'm afraid not. I would love to. I hear it's a majestic place with lots of open space and waters crystal clear. Castles with magnificent architecture and grandeur." I paused when she sighed dreamily. "I'm certain one day you will travel. As Crown Princess, you'll be expected to get to know your neighbors."
"Certainly and I cannot wait. To see the world beyond Istanbul and these four walls is a dream. But I can't help think that if I was an ordinary girl, I could visit without an entourage dictating my every move. Without a small army protecting and shielding me from enjoying some free time in those open spaces you speak of." She chuckled humorlessly. "I just can't seem to stop lamenting my fate."
"Nothing wrong with having dreams, Your Highness." Reminder of my dream, or rather nightmare, from last night made me reconsider my words. Sometimes dreams shouldn't exist, but hers were pure and valid unlike mine dark and terrifying. "Dreams are windows to escape reality and encourage you to reach for the Sky."
"My grandfather said that once," Rose swallowed hard and looked down at her hands as she fidgeted with her fingers. "However, he reminded me not to soar too high. He often told me the tale of Icarus to teach me a lesson in being careful with how high I took my dreams. I never had wings to begin with so there was no fear of flying too close to the sun."
The sad smile she gave me nearly broke my heart. Fervently, she spoke of her duty, and with sadness she spoke of her dreams. I would give my soul to give her all she wanted. "Icarus is not at fault for trying to go beyond human limitations just as you are not at fault for wanting more. Wings held together with wax are better than no wings at all. Take care of your wings, Your Highness."
Rose looked up from her hands and into my eyes. Hers glistened with tears unshed perhaps from remembering her grandfather or from me telling her she did have wings. Briefly, I wondered if I crossed a line again. I had encouraged her previously to speak to her father about changing the law which dictated she had to marry to ascend the throne. She was met by disappointment, and I didn't want her to go through that again. However, her lips parted with a brilliant smile that reassured me my words had lifted her spirits.
"If you had wings, where would you go?" She asked resting her cheek on the palm of her hand. "Assuming you don't meet the same fate as Icarus." She chuckled.
I inhaled deeply running through all the places I wanted to visit, or I had already been though on a mission but would like to one day return. "Budapest. I been there once, but it was a stop on our way to official business. It's a busy city with a lot of people, a lot of things to do, places to see, and the food is incredible. We stayed at a hotel and across the river, there was a restaurant highly recommended by the concierge…"
The conversation carried on between us as I described my one night in Budapest. Rose nodded and asked for more details very much entertained by my tale. There was nowhere else I wanted to be for the rest of my life but at this moment with her. I wanted the seconds to stretch into hours, and the hours to stretch into days, days into years and never forget the way her eyes glowed with curiosity and life. This was the Rose I always wanted to have engraved in my heart. One day, when I was back in Baia reminiscing about my past, I would think of her and this moment. My dark days would follow me to the grave, but I would have sunshine amidst them thanks to Rose. I was grateful to give her a few minutes of lightheartedness. In a way, we both needed it. I needed to forget my nightmare, and she needed to remember having dreams was valid.
"Budapest sounds incredible," Rose sighed looking at her fingers avoiding my eyes and showing me the sadness no doubt was there. "Maybe I can convince my father to allow me to visit before… Well, you know."
Oh, yes. I knew. Before she married and became far more unattainable. Before she ascended the throne. Before I lost her forever. "And maybe I can meet you there. We'll both fulfill our dream."
"We'll both be Icarus," she smiled sadly. "One moment of joy before it burns down."
And burn down it did.
AN: I don't really have an excuse for how long it has taken me to update. I always mean to take a short break between chapters because once I'm inspired, I don't sleep or do much of anything. I have had a lot of things happen. I bought a house, got a puppy, currently trying to get my citizenship, and my laptop died on me somewhere in all that. I do apologize for leaving for so long. I hate for y'all to think I've given up, though I certainly thought so, but I love writing. Even though this isn't my best work, I'm enjoying writing it, and I am thankful to be able to share with y'all so thanks so much for reading!