AN: Trigger warning for a brief description of war. I have bolded and underlined the beginning and end of it.
Chapter Thirteen: Unwavering
My lungs burned with every breath I took as I pushed my legs to run faster as if I could outrun my sinful, forbidden thoughts of Rose. I stopped after what felt like my hundredth lap back around the angel fountain in the front gardens. I avoided the tulip garden knowing Rose was there with Natalie, who undoubtedly was spinning a grand tale of me being anything less than a man. Natalie wasn't completely wrong in that regard, for I was no man. I was a coward; I was a devil.
How could I dare tempt the Princess to run away with me? Why did I think I was worthy of her affection or trust that I could keep her alive? I paced back and forth allowing my breathing to even out and attempted to sort through these tormented thoughts that would not let me be. I had one mission: reestablish Russia's friendship with Turkey and therefore ensure the next few decades as peaceful. If all else failed, I had to make sure Rose ascended the throne if her father was unfit to rule. I had assured the czar I was no match for a princess, so why did I fall for her? And why did it happen so fast?
Was it the blinking of her fierce, almond eyes; her lashes like butterfly wings causing a storm in a faraway land? Perhaps it was her plump lips soft, as I had come to know, like petals from her famous rose garden. Or her smile bright and blinding like the very sun. All of her was unlike any woman I had ever met. However, not all of her charm and beauty were superficial. I loved her tender heart and all the emotions within it. The way she allowed herself to show fragility around me, and her internal turmoil about doing the right thing was familiar. It was also the mercy she showed for those who would harm her and her loved ones. At the same time, it was the raw strength to try to stand up for herself even when she thought the world was pushing her down.
I admired and loved her even more for rising when any other person might have already crumbled under the pressure she had to carry on her shoulders since birth and still find the will to walk with her head held high. It was all of her; I loved all of her, and it didn't matter how or when it happened because it already did. My falling for her was meant to happen, and I had no control over it. What I did with my love for Rose did depend on me, which meant I couldn't, and shouldn't, be encouraging her to run away when things were tough. Rose wasn't one to run, I knew that much. Otherwise, she wouldn't have hesitated to take me up on the offer to run away to Budapest and get lost in the crowd.
I gazed up at the heavens where the sky was crystal clear not a cloud in sight. I begged for guidance. I prayed for a sign that would show me what the right thing to do was. When no signal came, I knew I was as alone as the vast sky. None of it mattered. I had been alone in far more precarious situations. I would come out on top not unscathed but at least whole. I continued to pace finding the strength to make up my mind, to push all feelings for Rose deep down, and to only be what she needed from me: an advisor, a friend. I would complete my mission and ensure her safety and successful rule as queen of Turkey. I would return home, and Rose would become a fond memory. I didn't know if I would ever forget her, and a part of me didn't want to, but I knew I couldn't hold on to memories of her. One day, I'd have to marry and carry the Belikov name, as it was my duty, and hers to produce an heir to the throne. We all had our part to play, and it was time I was back on track to play my own.
With my resolve once again intact and, as it felt, stronger than ever, I decided to go around another lap before going to my room to clean up and deal with the aftermath of Natalie's tale. I didn't make it very far from the fountain when I heard my name being shouted from the palace. I turned to find Eddie racing down the steps of the main entrance and rushing towards me. Seeing Eddie's face blush as if he had been running laps around the palace like me, I felt fear gripping my heart and my muscles tensed ready for a fight. My first thought was of Rose harmed, bleeding, or dead. The vision of her in my arms lifeless came back full force as my stomach tossed and turned while my legs felt weak ready to collapse under me. This wasn't the time to freeze and crumble. I snapped back into action and met Eddie halfway.
"Mr. Belikov," Eddie started breathlessly. "I have been looking all over for you. Her Highness requests an audience with you in the drawing room. Urgently."
I exhaled sharply unaware I had been holding my breath. My head stopped spinning and everything was alright. I grimaced as I realized not everything was alright. Such audience Rose demanded was surely to banish me from her country for what I had allegedly done to Natalie. Instead of running away, I should have been running towards Rose to explain before Lady Natalie could spin her web of lies and, as she had said, make my life a nightmare. But I had a hard time keeping my priorities straight when it came to Rose. It was so easy to put her needs and feelings above what was required of me to complete this mission. It was only just then that I realized my mistake. If Natalie succeeds in turning me into a villain, the mission wouldn't exist any longer. I had to be more careful, but this wasn't the time to kick myself. I had to go meet Rose and salvage this mission by any means necessary even if I had to grovel.
"I understand," I sighed pushing sweaty tendrils away from my face. "I will meet Her Highness as soon as I make myself presentable."
Eddie frowned and switched effortlessly to Russian. The young guard was an enigma, one I would one day solve. I was still amazed Arthur had found such an exceptional young man to infiltrate the Turkish monarchy in such a high ranking. If I didn't know how much Eddie cared for Rose, I'd be concerned about his proximity to her while being controlled by my superiors. This was no time to mistrust each other; however, he continued with a valid warning, one I didn't want to hear.
"I told you to be careful," Eddie shook his head. "You must consider yourself part feline with nine lives. The Princess was kind enough to forgive your transgression once. A second time might be more difficult."
"This is a simple misunderstanding," I tried not to sound too pitiful like a child being caught with my hand in the cookie jar. "I will fix this."
"They said you were good," Eddie looked me up and down. "All I have seen is you make mistake after mistake. If you cannot keep the princess safe…"
"I have been," I said through my teeth as my buttons were finally pushed. "I have been deceiving the czar and Arthur about the situation. They know nothing of the fragility of the Turkish monarchy though I am sure they suspect thanks to you otherwise they wouldn't have sent me."
"I had my instructions," Eddie stood straighter though I could see red peeking around the collar of his uniform, and it wasn't from running. He was visibly embarrassed at providing information to Russia. "I tried to be careful with how much I divulged."
"Then you know navigating a double life is not easy," I took a deep breath to calm my anger and released the fists I was not aware I made. "We must be unified. It is the only way to protect Rose. I understand what is at stake, and I will do whatever is necessary to keep her safe."
"Then follow me," he stepped aside and motioned with his hand for me to go first.
I sighed once again. "I suppose I'm not able to go change first."
A small smile peeked through the corners of his mouth. "Afraid not. She's very angry. I have seen her upset a few times. This will be a lesson for you: Rose is kind. Rose may look soft, but under that softness is a cobra."
Without another choice left and with that ominous warning, I followed Eddie to the drawing room. He led me silently through the castle bustling with movement and chatter from maids. I didn't pay them any mind; they were probably preparing for another banquet or gathering certainly nothing relevant to me at the moment. My mind was elsewhere as I tried to come up with a plan to weasel my way out of this situation. What could I say? I only had the truth, and it didn't sound very convincing. Who would Rose believe? Would she believe Natalie, whom she had grown up with, or me, a stranger who lied to her before? I prayed Eddie was right, and I was a cat with nine lives though mine were certainly running out.
Soon enough, and still without a plan, we seemingly arrived at our destination. Eddie came to a stop in front of stained glass double doors. He knocked on the glass depicting waves in the ocean and sunset on the horizon. I didn't hear a response from inside as I thought back to those 'dreams' of running up a hill with the waves crashing below me, and the woman waiting for me in a torn dress. I shook my head when Eddie opened the double doors and allowed me in. I hesitantly stepped into the delicate room with pastel walls; a fireplace and a mirror over it. A crystal chandelier hung over a coffee table like raindrops. All white chairs and a loveseat surrounded a coffee table. To my left was a painting of a cherry blossom tree covering the wall and under it an exquisite white sofa with embroidered pillows. I felt so out of place and filthy facing the princess in my current state. My position didn't improve when I saw we weren't alone.
Rose stood with her back to me as she faced the fireplace. In the mirror, I saw her eyes closed as if she was praying for serenity and guidance. To my right, Adrian Ivashkov was tunelessly stroking a piano under bay windows covered by sheer olive curtains. I forced back the annoyance at the sight of him with a small smirk on his face as he looked me up and down.
"How foolish of me," Adrian said turning back to the piano and began playing Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake further imposing my inadequacy. "Looks like I am overdressed for this soiree."
"Your Highness," I bowed to Rose ignoring him while wondering why he had to be present during my possible downfall. I tensed suddenly as a thought occurred to me. Had Adrian continued to dig into my life? Did he find out about Babushka? Was Rose upset I omitted my lineage and the witch blood in my veins? Even though she wanted to be benevolent and not punish all for the crimes of few, I knew she hated the witches. No. She wouldn't be this calm, and she would confront me alone. Or so I hoped. I couldn't panic, yet. "Lord Ivashkov." I greeted him despite hating even uttering his name.
"Mr. Belikov, thank you for coming. Please have a seat," Rose instructed just as Adrian opened his mouth to spit more venom no doubt. "Adrian, come join us."
I noticed indifference in her voice, and she still refused to turn to face us. Her eyes were still closed and her hands were interlaced in front of her. As I moved towards a chair, I couldn't help looking her up and down. If this was to be my last time looking at her, I was going to memorize the sound of her breathing. The curves of her body would be ingrained in my mind forever. I would remember her hair falling in soft waves to her mid-back. I hoped I could see her smile one last time, or at least that she would turn to look at me, so that I may gaze into her eyes. The eyes seemed to see right through me, and despite seeing the monster I was, she still cared for me.
"The air is much fresher over here," Adrian said ceasing to play the piano and turning to look at me as he spoke. "I'll stay here if you don't mind, Rose."
"That was not a request, Mr. Ivashkov," Rose said finally turning to face the room. She pointed at the loveseat across from my chair. "You can come on your own, or Eddie can force you."
Adrian's smirk faltered for a second and his brows twitched in confusion. Yet, he did as he was told finally realizing Rose wasn't in the mood for his nonsense. Regardless, Adrian moved slowly towards the seat Rose pointed to. Once he was settled, trying hard to look unbothered and relaxed, Rose turned to Eddie.
"Please wait outside," she commanded softly yet firmly showing her anger and frustration directed at us two. Eddie spared one last glance to Adrian and me as if communicating with his eyes his pity yet giving us the warning to behave.
As soon as the doors closed softly behind Eddie, Rose took a deep breath and started to pace. Her hands gripped the skirt of her dress as the seconds trickled by without a word from her. I tried to come up with a defense for anything she was getting ready to throw at me, but I was more preoccupied with her well-being. Rose didn't need any stress concerning me; she already had too much on her plate. Her country was in turmoil, she was still dealing with the death of her grandfather, and her mother wasn't in the best of health. Perhaps I should just come clean with her about everything from my Babushka to my initial instructions regarding her family. I could face a gun pressed to my forehead; I could withstand torture, but the thought of coming clean to her made me anxious. I felt so small in her presence that with each passing minute of her silence, I shrunk even more knowing I was causing her distress.
"You seem tense, Little Princess," Adrian broke the silence and stood up grabbing Rose's hand and stopping her pacing. He smiled at her and caressed her cheek as he spared me a glance. The once soft smile quickly turned into a malicious grin. "Why don't you send Belikov away, and I can make you feel better…" His tone was suggestive, and he trailed off forcing me to come up with ideas of what he meant; ideas I wasn't fond of. Ideas that made me jealous and he knew it.
"You'd do well to sit down and remain silent," Rose pulled her hand away from him and pointed back at his seat. "You are in a formal meeting with your Princess."
Adrian sighed and shot me a glare as he sat while Rose resumed her pacing. I assumed I wasn't the only one in trouble considering how easily Rose was snapping at her closest friend. I wondered what he had done to warrant such wrath and what it had to do with me. Perhaps he was in trouble for continuing to dig into my life. Nevertheless, it seemed my presence was causing strife between them. If I had to guess, Adrian wasn't used to being on the short end of the stick. Even though I shouldn't have, I was enjoying his sulking. That smug grin was nowhere to be seen, and he was unhappy. Seeing Rose's wrath directed at him satisfied me, yet I knew something far worse was coming for me.
"Can you at least make this quick?" Adrian pulled out a cigarette and placed it between his lips. "I have a meeting with the council about my next tour. There's plenty of talk about Italy. I enjoy the cuisine, and the ladies are far more welcoming than here."
Rose turned to face him and tore the cigarette from his mouth. "Can you at least behave?"
Adrian threw his hands up and sank further into his seat with an obvious pout unable to have his vice, unable to make me miserable, and receiving the Princess' fury. If I wasn't deep in shit, I might have laughed.
"I don't know where to begin," Rose rubbed her forehead and closed her eyes. This truly felt like I was a child again being chastised by my elders for being naughty. Except, in this case, I was putting Rose in danger. If she was this upset, there was no hope I might stay this time and complete my mission. She'd be unprotected. "You have deliberately harmed an already precarious relationship. You have undermined my authority but more importantly His Majesty's. I should tell the King what you have done, so you can be punished accordingly." Her words were coming out through her teeth and I considered falling to my knees to grovel. I had to do something. Natalie must have been very convincing with her story for Rose to be this upset with me.
"But if I do so, we may find more trouble than this is worth," Rose turned to Adrian and looked down at him. "I told you to leave it alone, Adrian. I told you that Dimitri is under the protection of His Majesty, and you decided to take it upon yourself to hurt Dimitri's reputation not once worrying about whom you harmed in the process. Did it ever occur to you how impressionable Natalie is? She is naïve! She is foolish and fragile, and you decided to toy with her. Not to mention put our Russian ally in a difficult situation! I am beyond mortified on your behalf! This isn't the behavior of a future King. You will apologize to Dimitri, Natalie, but most importantly His Majesty, whom you humiliated above all."
I struggled to hold an enormous sigh of relief that I wasn't in as much trouble as my mind had been torturing me with. Adrian, on the other hand, went through several emotions at once. First, he was shocked showing such by letting his jaw hang open. Embarrassment followed as his neck reddened. That didn't last long, and he recovered letting the anger be the emotion he decided to hang onto as he stood to respond to Rose.
"I will not apologize to him," he stood taller than Rose as he spat out the next words. If I wasn't sure she could handle him, I would have pinned him to the wall and forced some manners into him. I was sure he wouldn't physically harm her, yet my muscles tensed a little as I watched their conversation unfold. "He's got you wrapped around his finger you fail to see his true colors! He's hiding something under those big muscles you keep looking at. Don't pretend I don't see it and don't forget I know you, Rose, like the back of my hand. You talk all big and mighty about duty, but you are failing yours. Your duty and your loyalty are to your country and your blood. Groveling to the Russians is showing weakness. This isn't the behavior of a future Queen."
"What the hell do you know about duty?" Rose snorted and poked Adrian's chest with her finger. "You have never been held responsible for a damn thing your whole life. You've humiliated my father many times while on tour, but you remain in your position because of your blood. This, what you've done to Dimitri and Natalie, will not go unnoticed. You will apologize."
Adrian scoffed. "What do I know about duty? I know too fucking much about duty. Since I was a child, I've grown up hearing that our union has been written in the stars! I've been deprived of freedom because I'm promised to you." He stepped closer to Rose and looked her down pointing a finger at me. "I can apologize to Natalie, and I'll apologize to you. But not him."
"So now I am holding you back? Please, by all means, forget our engagement," Rose stepped back and pointed at the door. "Leave. Tell Lady Tatiana our engagement is off. I don't give a damn it's written in the stars. I don't need you if this is how who you truly are. I don't want someone unfit to rule by my side with dignity and respect for others. Dimitri has done nothing to you…"
"Hasn't done anything to me?" Adrian threw his hands up in the air frustrated. "You must be joking. When was the last time you and I fought, Rose? Not argued over my colorful experiences abroad and, as you said, humiliated the King. We have been bickering since he showed up."
"No one forced you to make him seem less than a gentleman," Rose pinched the bridge of her nose. "Dimitri can't be blamed for your actions."
Adrian threw his head back and laughed. "Of course not. Dimitri can't be blamed for anything. Dimitri is a fucking saint! Look at him, sitting there properly. If what you want Rose is a lap dog to shut up and listen, there he is. He's the perfect husband. He's your King."
"I think you two need to calm down," I cleared my throat and stood up to get between them.
The thought of her making me her King was utterly ridiculous and hurtful. I could never be that for her.
While I had been relieved Rose wasn't angry at me, this meeting was becoming unbearable and unpleasant to witness. I hated the way Adrian spoke to Rose. Just because they had grown up together didn't mean he didn't have to respect her. It was easier for me to say such because I wasn't on the receiving end of the Princess' wrath, but Adrian had been wrong. Natalie said Adrian advised her to take what she wanted, in this case, me. Being so naïve and drunk, Natalie took his words to heart putting both her and me in an awkward situation. I knew Natalie would regret her words in the morning, and I could only assume that was the reason she needed to speak to Rose so urgently to salvage her reputation in case I decided to tell.
"Stay out of this Belikov," Adrian grunted throwing a glare in my direction before stepping away. Despite his venomous words, Adrian wasn't up to starting a physical fight with me. I couldn't blame him if given permission, I would destroy him. "This is between Rose and me."
"No, it is not," Rose looked down at her hands before sheepishly turning to me. "Adrian dragged you into this, and it's my fault. I had asked him to find out everything he could about you because I thought somehow you or your government had been involved in my grandfather's passing. When you explained everything to me last night, I asked Adrian to drop it because you are under my father's protection, and now I know you aren't to blame for the death of my grandfather. I am so sorry, Dimitri. I am so mortified by not just the actions of my family and friends but mine as well. We have offended you, and I cannot even look at you without being reminded of the embarrassment we put you through. On behalf of His Majesty, I sincerely hope you can forgive us, and we continue to be friends."
"Don't grovel," Adrian spun around abruptly putting another cigarette in his mouth. "You're embarrassing your family by apologizing to him."
"What kind of person do you take me for?" Rose easily switched from speaking kindly and softly to me to unleashing anger and disappointment on Adrian. She took steps toward Adrian and tried snatching the cigarette from his mouth again. This time, he wouldn't let her and kept it out of her reach. Rose sighed and crossed her arms as she gave up trying to take Adrian's comforting vice. "Am I weak for admitting to my own mistakes? And since you refuse to acknowledge yours, I have no option but to speak on your behalf."
"Well, don't do that either. You are not my wife yet, and I owe him nothing. I don't trust him, and I want him out of our country on the next flight back to whatever Godforsaken hole he crawled out of." Adrian lit his cigarette.
"As I said," Rose shook her head and crossed the room. She opened the door and pointed to the hall with her hand. "If this is who you are, I cannot have you by my side representing Turkey, representing my name. Our engagement is void." She opened the door and motioned with her hand. "Leave, Adrian. I have nothing else to say."
Adrian exhaled smoke as he walked past me but otherwise said nothing else. I wasn't sure if this was typical of them, fighting then making amends. By what Adrian said, they didn't argue often so perhaps Adrian would simply find other ways to get rid of me, ways Rose didn't have to know of. The best option was to leave quietly, but as he got to the door, he paused in front of Rose.
"As much as you would like to, you can't get rid of me, Your Highness," Adrian caressed Rose's cheek, but she quickly turned away recoiling from his touch. He directed a glare in my direction as he spoke his next words. I couldn't be sure, but it seemed like he was speaking directly to me. "You have no power to end our engagement. Only the Queen can do so, and she won't allow you to break a centuries-old friendship because of some Russian spy. If you want war, we can both play this game."
"Don't threaten me, Adrian," Rose fisted her hands at her sides and spoke through her teeth. "I am the future queen of Turkey, and I do not fear you or anyone else. You do not want me as an enemy."
Adrian scoffed and slammed the door on his way out. As soon as he left, Rose let out a long shaky breath. She stood with her hand on the doorknob probably considering chasing after Adrian but after a few seconds, she let go. I made my way to her reminding myself to keep some distance yet be close enough should she need comfort.
"You have nothing to apologize to me for, Your Highness," I motioned towards one of the loveseats nearby encouraging her to have a seat. She followed my suggestion and sat with her shoulders slumped forward as if drained of energy. "I have wronged you first, and I understand why you wanted to know about me. Distrust is wise when it comes to foreigners even if they turn out to be not so bad." I chuckled, but Rose said nothing. "You've never fought with him like this?"
"Never," she whispered as her lower lip trembled. "Well, earlier we argued over… You." She buried her face in her hands. I heard the pain caught in her throat, and when she looked back up, her eyes glistened with unshed tears. "He's right. We're fighting more and more lately."
"I am deeply sorry to cause such strife between you and your fiancé. That is not my intention no matter my feelings for you." I groaned internally. After making a promise to distance me from her, to put aside my love for her, and make her a successful queen, there I was professing such feelings again.
"It's not just you," Rose put her hand on top of mine so casually like two close friends enjoying afternoon tea and carefree conversation. She was no longer shaking, and her hands were warm. "That's the type of person Adrian is, I just never saw it or wanted to admit he can be a petulant child. He's so used to getting his way, but there was never a situation in which he would show his disdain for common people. I just know it's his Aunt Tatiana and her beliefs speaking through his lips."
"Maybe a bit of that and the fact that he's jealous," I knew I would hate telling her so one day, but for now, she had to know. Surely, she noticed Adrian's behavior since I arrived. "He's in love with you, Rose. You have to see it."
Rose grimaced. "No, I don't… He's too… I don't feel that way about him, and I don't want him to love me like that either. It's not fair being trapped in an arranged marriage without love, but I think it's much worse when one of the two is in love with the other. I will never love him not when there's you." Her eyes widened, and she quickly removed her hand from mine.
Time came to a standstill as we remained in each other's eyes. Rose's tears finally spilled and ran down her cheeks. Her mouth opened and closed as she searched for words but found none. There was no way she planned on confessing her feelings for me. I felt relief and joy knowing she had feelings for me as I did for her. I could die a happy man knowing what it was like to be loved by an extraordinary woman. A wave of guilt hit me heavily punching me in the stomach. How could I be happy disrupting her life? She'd be happier not knowing me and focusing on finding love with Adrian. In time, she would blame Adrian for not being the person she loved. I could only pray she'd forget me and learn to love her husband.
There was nothing I could say at the moment. Rose had to come to terms with her feelings on her own, so I waited in silence for what seemed like a long time, but I knew was just a moment. She stood abruptly and walked towards the fireplace. I gave her a few seconds to collect her thoughts before joining her.
"Oh my God," Rose whispered wiping her tears with the back of her hand. "I shouldn't have said that. I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me."
"No need to apologize," since all the lines we drew were officially momentarily blurred, I put my hand on her back and gently rubbed it. She tensed for a second when my palm connected with the fabric of her dress but quickly relaxed under my touch. I took it as a good sign and continued. "No one can invalidate your feelings, and there is nothing to be afraid of. I am aware nothing can happen between us, and I solemnly promise I will be respectful of your status. I know my place, my insignificance…"
"Stop," Rose turned to face me and took me by surprise by holding my face in her hands. "Don't ever let me hear you say that about yourself again. You are a great man; I know I have known you for a few days, but it is true. I see it every day you put up with this nonsense with grace. That mentality that you are less for not being of noble birth is bullshit."
"I appreciate the sentiment, Your Highness," I took her hands kissing them gently. "I am merely stating an irrefutable fact that I can offer you nothing. I hold no title or land while Adrian, on the other hand, can give you the world, and that's all I want for you."
Pushing away the one woman I loved was harder than I thought. The first time I pulled the trigger and took someone's life almost equated to this anguish and guilt. In no way were the consequences as severe in this situation, but I noticed some similarities. The person I killed had no chance at life anymore, to make mistakes and learn from them. Rose had her whole life ahead of her, and if I continued to encourage our forbidden attraction, she might just throw caution to the wind. At such a young age, I couldn't let her make such a mistake. I couldn't take her whole life. Yet as I saw her eyelids fall hiding the regret from me, I felt far more insignificant and inadequate. My hands ached to take all this suffering from her and throw it at the bottom of the ocean where it won't touch her again. Alas, I was only human.
"Turkey is not the world," Rose sighed, closed her eyes, and shook her head. "I'm sorry again. I got carried away. I know what you are trying to say, and while unfair, I accept it. Adrian and I will be fine. He will surely drink away his anger and come back tomorrow to apologize. Hopefully, he will reflect on his behavior and my words." She granted me a weak smile and a curtsy. "As for you, I hope you can still forgive our transgressions. If you ever need anything, you can come to me."
"I have one request," I motioned back to the loveseat. We sat next to each other though we kept our distance and tried hard to ignore what transpired and carry on. "I have one more story to tell if you'd like to hear it."
"Is it about witches?"
"It's actually about me if you don't mind," I paused and watched as her eyes grew wide with excitement.
"It's not a happy one, is it?" She quickly noticed my mood change and the tension in my body. "You don't have to tell me if you're uncomfortable. I'd love to know more about you, but I understand some things are better kept private."
"I should tell you," I leaned forward resting my forearms on my lap and inhaling sharply mentally preparing myself for the trip down memory lane. "I think this might put in perspective the importance of a friend. I can see how much you care for Adrian. I hate to see you two fighting and all the more knowing I am a, however small, catalyst for so much strife between you. Life is short to be angry and too long to go through it alone." I hadn't spoken about it in so long, but each time I did, another gaping hole was punched in my chest, but if there was anyone I was going to tell this to without fear, it was Rose. "I had a best friend in the army. He was the sanity behind my insane moments. He was the peace behind my anger, and he was everything I hoped to be one day. Ivan was selfless and kind. I don't think he ever did anything mean or spiteful no matter what anyone did or said to him. But if he needed to, he would stand up for himself and others, but he always wanted to use reason. We used to joke he was the lightning, and I was the thunder. He would try to solve issues with his words while I often just started swinging my fists." I chuckled.
"You said you had," Rose inched closer. Whether or not she knew her proximity calmed me, I wasn't sure, but I was surely thankful for the peace she brought.
"Yes," I paused to swallow the knot forming in my throat. "Ivan passed away. We joined the army at the same time both of us thirteen. Often, we went together on missions to other countries, and we made a great team. I knew he hated taking lives, and I often told him he was better suited to be a diplomat, but all men in his family had served, it was part of who he was. But I knew, each time we came home, something changed. A part of him was dying. He was less cheerful, less reasonable, and, well, less like himself. I tried to reason with him that he had served his country, done his time, and needed to retire. It was time for him to lead a normal life, find a regular job, fall in love, marry, and you know, normal people stuff. But he had been in military academies and such all his life. The military was all he knew and wanted. For so long, he was preparing for a significant role in leading the armies in the name of the tsar. When I started earning the attention of the tsar, Ivan saw that as a threat.
"I was receiving private lessons from the tsar himself and that made Ivan jealous. That was the first time we argued, and I mean truly argued. Ivan wasn't ready to let go of such a big part of his life. He thought I was trying to take his place and that's why I was so adamant he retire. He knew better than that but at the moment, anger made him say nasty things. I said awful things, too; I'm not innocent in this matter. We didn't speak for days, weeks, even months."
I paused to push back the emotion causing my voice to tremble as I recalled the last time I saw Ivan. If I closed my eyes, I could go back to that night. I could hear the door slamming as he left, feel the pain in my knuckles as I punched a hole in the wall, his wounded eyes, and the echo of the things we said lingering in the air. I looked down at my hands and rubbed them together anxiously. Rose reached for my hands interlacing her right with my left and giving it a gentle squeeze.
"You truly don't have to do this," she whispered followed by biting her lower lip and apprehension darkening her eyes. "Unless you want to, of course. I don't want you to feel obligated to share your past with me because of what I said last night. I was upset, and I understand now. I understand your life is complicated, and I am no one to force you to share it with me."
"I want you to know," I gave her a small smile which wasn't very sincere, but I tried my best to reassure her I was fine. "Besides, I can't stop myself from reliving this now." I took one last deep breath and willed myself to stay present as I went back. "Two years ago, Ivan went on a mission, his first without me, and things went sideways fast. His unit was captured and held captive in the desert. Rescuing him became my first mission as commanding officer, and I was nervous and perhaps that was the reason for my failure. I can still feel my boots sinking in the sand, the sweat on my brow, and my finger tense on the trigger. I sent my comrades straight in; I thought the element of surprise will be enough. The enemy wouldn't expect us to come in guns blazing, but I should have known better. I should have sent a scout; I should have observed my surroundings first, so many could haves and should haves. In the end, Ivan lost his life, and all I could do was kneel beside him trying so hard to stop the bleeding, but it just went through my fingers like trying to catch the rain. His eyes never left mine, and I slowly saw the life extinguish from him. I never got to say sorry; he never got to live past eighteen. I lay awake at night wondering why me. Why I had to live, and he didn't? Surely, he could have done so much more for this world."
By the time I was done, I felt closer to falling apart with no hope of ever putting myself together. I surely had never felt this broken; I never grieved the loss of my closest friend. There was no time; I was always moving. Not even my family knew the extent of my wounds and pain over Ivan's death. I didn't want them to worry about me, so why was I okay with Rose worrying about me? There was something about her that weakened me in a good way. Her warmth and soft eyes disarmed me in ways no one else could. Rose inhaled deeply and pulled me down in an embrace. I rested my head on her shoulder burying my face in her soft hair. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her closer willing myself to leave that horrid night behind. I willed myself to stay present tucked in her arms like a blanket on a long winter night. I wanted to forget the gunpowder in the air and the screams of my fallen comrades.
"Life is so fragile and fleeting. You never know when your last words could be those of anger," I murmured against her hair. "Don't ever let your loved ones hear words of hatred. You are allowed to be upset, but don't let things go on like that for too long. You'll regret it later; I know I do. I should have reached out to him; I should have been there for Ivan more."
"Oh, Dimitri," Rose held me tighter and buried her hands in my sweaty loose hair. I couldn't believe how kind she was. "I am so sorry. I can't believe what you have been through. I will heed your advice and hold it so close to my heart. Thank you for sharing, and if you need anyone to talk to, I am here for you."
"I know," I reluctantly pulled away and took her face in my hands much like she had done for me by the fireplace. "You are already so wise and kind. You will be a great queen, Roza."
Rose gasped. There was a brief silence before she spoke again afraid to break the bubble around us.
"I like the way you say my name." She whispered looking into my eyes. We said nothing both of us seemingly weighing the consequences of what was about to happen. She broke eye contact first leaning forward and kissing me before I could stop her though I wasn't sure I would have.
At first, Rose was careful and hesitant I almost thought she was giving me the chance to pull away. Or maybe she was unsure; I was certain last night I was responsible for her first kiss. Rose didn't quite know what to do, so I allowed her to figure it out on her own. Not that it took her long as I responded with the same amount of carefulness until she found her rhythm. Then, she pulled me closer her interlaced hands on the back of my neck, and her lower lip between mine. Slowly, she opened her mouth her tongue tentatively touching my upper lip. I gripped her hips and opened my mouth too. The quick and urgent knock came a few seconds before the door flew open causing Rose to move so fast she slipped from her seat onto the floor.
"Your Highness," Eddie entered with a bow when he straightened up, he caught sight of Rose on the floor and me helping her up. Eddie looked between us for a second as the gears in his mind attempted to form a reason for this scene. I assumed he decided it wasn't important, but he shot a glare in my direction before rushing forward to Rose. "Are you okay, Princess?"
By the time Eddie reached her, Rose was on her feet and quickly pulled her hand away from me. She avoided looking up and meeting my eyes while she waved Eddie away. Her neck and cheeks were crimson as she struggled to calm herself and will the embarrassment away. Her chest heaved with rapid breaths while my heart thumped in my chest threatening to implode. My hands ached to hold her again, and my brain reminded me I shouldn't. It reminded me of my shattered resolve to only be her friend. I should have stopped her. I had to be the reason behind this madness; behind this inexplicable and forbidden attraction. That's all it had to be. I had to fool myself and her into thinking this was fleeting. I would make sure Rose would have no scars on her heart.
"I'm fine," she cleared her throat and straightened up.
"Very well, Your Highness," Eddie bowed his head and stepped back resting his hands behind his back. "His Majesty is coming to see you. I thought you would like to know of his impending arrival."
"Thank you, Eddie," Rose cleared her throat and turned to me. "It's best you go ahead, Mr. Belikov. I will seek you this afternoon. Thank you for everything." The blush from our kiss was long gone as her skin paled with the news of her father coming to see her.
"Of course, Your Highness," I bowed low and made my way to the door when it opened once again. The King had arrived before I could make my escape. "Your Majesty." I quickly bowed and stepped aside to allow him in. "I will take my leave."
"Nonsense," the King waved his hand in the air and stepped into the room. Pavel followed closely behind like a shadow. "I am glad to see you here with Rose. I need to ask you both a favor."
"Of course, Your Majesty," Rose curtsied and took her father's hand leading him to the sofa under the cherry blossom tree. She probably wanted to stay away from the very place we shared a forbidden kiss as if the king could somehow sense what transpired there just a few moments ago.
"Mr. Belikov," the King motioned to a nearby chair. "What do you say?"
I hesitated though I knew I shouldn't. The King could be asking for something I couldn't or shouldn't deliver. He watched me intently as I moved towards the chair, and I knew I had no choice in whatever he wanted. I had already agreed to do his bidding. "Anything, Your Majesty. I am at your service."
I expected a satisfied smirk or perhaps a quick jab at my expense, but the King seemed distracted and in a hurry as he simply nodded. He seemed tense as he sat rigidly next to his daughter. I took my seat and waited for him to go on. Rose tried her best to act natural, but her left hand out of sight from the king gripped the fabric of her dress. It was truly a miracle to breathe with so many secrets in the air. I had no true knowledge of the King's behavior but so far I had seen him relaxed, certain, and confident in his skin. He was very clearly hiding something. As for Rose and me, we had our stifling feelings to protect. Would the King in his distraction notice Rose leaning away from me as if afraid of our proximity? The seconds trickled by agonizingly slow.
"I am grateful you two have found friendship," Abe cleared his throat and patted Rose's hand. "I feel hopeful and confident that both of you working together will bring harmony to Turkey and Russia."
"Yes, Your Majesty," Rose answered softly with a small smile. "Mr. Belikov and I are working diligently."
"I have no doubt, dearest," the king stood up making his way to the fireplace. He hid his face from us as he continued. "You are persistent, and Mr. Belikov is capable. A better match could not have been made. I know I often ask too much of you, Rose. Being a Mazur is both a blessing and a curse.Officium ante seipsum, mors ante ignominiam. Do you know what that means?"
"Duty before self, death before disgrace," Rose nodded and smiled sadly as she twisted a thin ouroboros ring on her pointer finger. "Sevket Mazur, the first King, said that when the people chose him to lead. He promised to always put his people first. King Idris admired him greatly. We spent many nights studying King Sevket's reign."
Abe rejoined Rose and gave his daughter's hand a gentle squeeze. "All your ancestors admired King Sevket. He was a fair ruler, strong and often brutal, but he did whatever was necessary for the people. He was the first to set precedent. Imagine the weight on his shoulders knowing future generations would look back on his reign. There was no room for failure or selfishness."
Briefly, Rose and I shared a glance. Why were we suddenly caught in a lecture about duty and how to rule? Had Abe found out about our shared moments? Did the King know how I felt about the princess? What would the consequences be of our forbidden attraction? Would the King force me to stay away? Would he force Rose to destroy her feelings for me? She was his daughter, his flesh and blood, and he cared deeply for her. But as he said, duty over everything. I didn't doubt that he would sacrifice Rose's happiness for duty, and I was unable to do anything about it. I could protect her from physical harm, but not from broken wings.
"However," the King sighed. "Sometimes, we must put ourselves above duty. I failed to see this with your grandfather. When the monarch is unwell, the people worry. Giving peace and stability to your subjects is very important. Something from last night's dinner did not seem to agree with Her Majesty, and I have forced her to remain in bed."
"I must go to her," Rose stood up alarmed. Her eyes widened in fear as the thought of losing another loved one crossed her mind.
"She is sleeping," Abe pulled her back onto the sofa and smiled at her. "Do not fret; I have sent for a doctor, and he will be here shortly. The Queen is strong and will soon be well; however, Her Majesty has a charity dinner with Lady Ariana tonight. Both of them worked very hard on organizing such an event for the less fortunate. I have meetings all afternoon and well into the night; I am afraid I cannot take the Queen's place. The favor I must ask of you both is to attend the dinner on our behalf. I would not inconvenience Mr. Belikov with such a request, but I saw Adrian on my way here. He has a previous engagement he cannot get out of. Regardless, this arrangement is suitable as well. Mr. Belikov can meet members of the Council and make friends as well as show the press our goodwill with Russia."
"Are you sure Mother is well?" Rose watched her father incredulously. I wasn't the only one who could be easily deciphered by her all-observing eyes.
"Of course," Abe cupped Rose's cheek lovingly and leaned forward lowering his voice to a fake whisper. "To be honest, I think this is a ruse. Your mother is probably trying to give you more responsibilities." He winked, and Rose smiled briefly through the apprehension still in her eyes. "Dinner starts at six, so you have quite a bit of time to arrange an ensemble and prepare to depart for Szelsky Estate." The King stood up and kissed Rose's forehead before turning to me. "I have called for my seamstress. I will send her to your chambers as soon as possible."
"Thank you for your generosity," I bowed.
"Would you give me and Mr. Belikov the room, dearest?" The King extended his hand out to Rose to help her stand. "I should prepare him for tonight."
Rose curtsied to her father and nodded toward me while keeping her eyes on the ground. Then, she was gone with Eddie following silently. As soon as the door closed with a soft click, the King sighed and sat back down rubbing his eyes.
"What is going on?" I shattered the silence which had settled in the room with Rose's departure. "Why would you send me with her?"
Abe stared at me with a frown as if I had suddenly grown another limb. "I thought you wanted nothing more than keep her safe? Rose is leaving the palace walls where I have no way of ensuring her safety. I trust Lady Ariana, but I have no such trust in the other vultures."
"Is the Queen very ill?" I knew he was avoiding the real question behind my words. "You don't seem like yourself, Your Majesty."
Abe chuckled. "A military man through and through. Those eyes see beyond what is in front of you, huh, Belikov?" He grew serious as his thick dark eyebrows met in the middle. "The Queen will be fine. I simply worry too much. Losing Janine will be the end of me. Rose cannot lose both parents, so I will do my best to pull myself together and ensure my wife's safety. I need Rose to carry more responsibilities to prepare for anything. Do not misunderstand, Dimitri, I am not rolling over and allowing these continuous attacks on my family and people, but I am a man of plans and action."
"I understand, but why me?"
"You said you wanted to protect Rose? We have been over this. You begged to remain by her side. Everything I do is to comply with your wish and mine to keep Rose safe and sound."
"Yes, but I don't understand why you easily trust me to keep her alive." I sighed. "You don't know me."
"I do not need to. You and I have a common goal: crowning Rose. A man with your record and commendations in the military is all I need to reach it."
"Why not command Adrian to go with her? Your word is the law." I shouldn't have been trying so hard to get out of this engagement. How could I keep Rose safe if she was out of my sight? But I thought she needed time away from me especially after realizing her feelings, and in a way, this might help her and Adrian reconcile. As much as I hated it, I had to bring them closer again. I would try to help her love him and be happy. My mission was getting more intricate by the minute. I was entirely too emotionally invested and I had never been that way. Efficiency was my middle name.
Abe groaned. "I need someone focused on the mission, not a party boy." He motioned to Pavel, who pulled out an envelope and handed it to me. "Study this before you attend the charity event. I believe there is a traitor in my council. I need your eyes and ears not only on Rose but the aristocrats who swore to help my family lead." Abe growled. "I suspect a few, but I need someone they would not suspect to be working for me. Find the traitor, Dimitri."
I nodded fervently clutching the envelope in my hands. I would find this traitor for Rose. My goal was clearer than ever and my resolve was unwavering. Every step, every breath, and every beating of my heart would be dedicated to fulfilling my duty to my heart, to Rose.
AN: I apologize for the very long delay. It has been rough, to say the least. If you are still with me, I am eternally grateful. One way or another, I must finish this story. Thank you again for your feedback and love.