Leah Clearwater Pov

*One Week Later*

*Dream*

I was running.

Running away from something.

Yet, I could only see the backside of myself.

I tripped and fell into a gray puddle.

Something that was not normal for me.

I was a vampire.

No.

I was half vampire.

Not as graceful as a normal vampire, but I don't see how.

I was far from being a clumsy person when I was human.

The aura I was giving off was one of pure fear and hatred, and something else…

The deepest sadness.

The sadness of loss.

Who am i?

What am i?

The feeling was so strong and I was so unaccustomed to it, it cut me like a knife.

I lost my baby.

I lost my humanity.

The wound kept getting deeper.

In the pit of my stomach.

Like a knife twisting in me.

It was like someone had stuck it in my heart and kept stabbing.

I glared, looking down at a puddle of water.

I saw double of myself.

Yet it wasn't me.

It was a creature far more ugly.

Her skin was snow white and her eyes were like fire.

A horrible shade.

She couldn't be me.

A beam of sunlight fell down upon her face and it glittered.

More than I've ever seen a bloodsucker glitter before.

I was changed into a... "Monster."

"Don't say that." I heard a voice with a husky whisper.

"Leah." He spoke. It was short, almost shy, but I'd been expecting some forewarning.

It still surprised me that I wasn't alone.

"Jacob?" Jake's hand pulled my body up to hug it close to his.

My stomach grumbled and I walked with him.

Why was he here?

Feeling the drops of water from the trees that shuck, splash on my face.

"I wasn't so keen on the idea or letting things get this far." He said caressing my cheek. "You are like me, but you are me."

"No, I'm a monster."

"Your vibe attracts your tribe." He joked. "I'm sorry this has happened to you, but I swear I won't let you be like them."

"Like who?" I whispered. "The cold ones?"

I am a cold one.

"I'm a monster, and I will kill you." I said to him angrily.

Jacob backed up several spaces away, shifting his weight from foot to foot anxiously.

"Mom?" Sarah's voice came from the darkness and made me jump.

With her long hair down to her back and a puppy dog t-shirt.

I wondered where she had been.

"No, Sarah. Stay back." I spoke. "I'm not safe for you."

"What happened?" She asked.

"My great-great grandfather made a treaty that kept the cold ones of our land. He is a tribal elder." Jacob spoke.

"Our ancestors would be so disappointed in me." I cried.

"No, mom, don't say that. I don't care what you are. I love you." Sarah spoke moving closer towards me.

I panicked. I cannot harm my daughter.

She needed to know the truth but my throat burned.

Burned so much it aches.

Her blood was warm, I could picture it.

I tried to swallow the thought down, but it was lodged there.

"Sarah, you remember our old stories about where we came from... the Quileutes and who the enemy is." Jacob says.

"I remember." She breathed. "I remember it all now dad, but mom I don't care. I have to hug you."

"No." I spoke.

"We love you, Leah." Jacob replied with pity. He closed his eyes and opened them again "I'm sorry." The words were tense and fervent, like he was on the edge of the vital.

"No." I say again.

"Even in the dark, I can see the change in the color of your eyes." He looked at me. "You're evil, but I will help you." Looked at me with eyes that knew way too much. "You're my world. I cannot allow this to kill you."

"I love you too." I spoke and he glared passed me with desperately sadden eyes.

"Look at me mom. Everything's going to be okay. We'll convince them that you don't need to be changed, that you're perfect just the way you are," Sarah pulled me into her.

I gave a soft squeeze.

"She's right. We will." Jacob agreed.

"I wish it was that simple, I really do. But I'm afraid that it won't be." I disagreed.

My insides quivered, afraid of what was to come for me, but also for them if I was to bite them, or worse… kill them.

There was something stuck in my throat, choking me.

It was the thirst for blood.

"Jacob," I began, sighing lightly, and gazing at the sun that was cascading lower and lower from the sky.

"I'm… I'm hungry… take her away." I said and he tore our daughter away and suddenly disappeared.

I cried out at the loneliness.

I was alone.

I was a monster.

I shouldn't be loved.

In a blank, I stand above the deep ocean blue water.

Crawling to the edge of the cliff.

I had to end it all.

I had to find a way to protect my family.

My daughter and the love of my life.

I will kill them if I stay.

On the cliff, I jumped.

The wind rushing past me was exhilarating.

I spread my arms out and screamed.

I splashed into the water.

A million bubbles rushed over me towards the surface, another figure sailed over the edge of the cliff.

A figure landed in the water not two feet away from me...

Then something grabbed my ankle and pulled me under.

I screamed

Bubbles exploded from my mouth as I gasped for air.

*End Of Dream*

...

Opening my eyes, to the sound of birds chirping.

I exhaled worried.

That would be my all time fear.

To become a vampire.

Rolling over in the hospital bed, I felt weird about that dream. Mostly scared.

In a strange way, I felt like I was already living it.

My family isn't what it used to be. I wasn't who I've always been.

I've changed, and it affected both Jacob and Sarah the most.

I've ruined them.

After a few moments of hearing the sound of the monitor machine that wasn't so far from the bed, I heard drizzle slightly from outside the huge window.

It was raining.

I've been here for only a week and I was sick of it.

I want to go home.

I want to be in my own bed.

I rolled back over to look out the window.

The sky was a mixture of purple, red and faded orange.

Yet it was rainy like always, yet also completely gorgeous.

Without a doubt, beautiful.

Jacob was with me all night long, he was taking turns from Sarah's hospital room to mine.

He was in fact with her right now.

He never goes home.

He even bathes here.

An entire week Sarah's been in a coma.

When Jacob told me what happened, how she tried to kill herself- I was in pain all over again.

There I laid after losing a baby while my other child hoped to end her life.

I felt guilty.

I feel guilty.

Jacob reminded me how it wasn't for me to know that neither one of my babies were in pain. Sometimes we just can't imagine what could happen next.

I saw the look on Sarah's face when she came in from the dance with Embry.

That night, I saw how sad she looked and I watched her go up to her room. I didn't take the time out to ask what was wrong, even though it was clear something was.

I didn't take the time out to see that she was in agony, or why.

I should've talked to her. I should've stopped her from going to her room. I should've made her sit on the couch and talk with me.

I wondered silently how I took it all for granted. The beauty of everyday life.

No one would particularly notice its presence so much or rather, appreciate it, unless somehow, one day, it disappeared.

Like my unborn baby that passed.

Like Sarah could have.

I took them both for granted.

Laying in this hospital bed, I've only gotten up to visit her room five times. To watch her sleep, to cry at her bedside, to hold her and tell her how sorry I was.

I failed her.

I failed myself.

How could I call myself a mother?

I left my children alone here.

I abandon them.

Maybe I'm the one who shouldn't be here.

They've done so good without me.

It's like when I made the decision to come back, I doomed them all.

Like I came back for nothing. I could have stayed in Tokyo, maybe my baby could have survived.

Hearing footsteps walking into the room, I looked over my shoulder.

Jacob, wearing dark blue jeans and a light gray t-shirt, holding a tray of breakfast food from the cafeteria.

His black hair was longer than usual, and tied back. Like he hasn't cut it in weeks. Even his face has more scruff than usual.

I didn't notice until now.

He must be growing it out for some reason.

"Good morning." He said with a small smile and I rolled back over to look out the window.

With the baby gone, and Sarah in a coma. The future was lost to me now.

Sadly it was nothing Jacob could bring that could change that.

"How are you feeling?" He asked me, placing the tray on the table side and lowering it to my bed.

At this point I didn't have to watch him, to know each movement. It was all memorized.

"What do you think?" I muttered.

He exhaled. "I think we can be hopeful today. Sarah moved her fingers last night, maybe you should come talk to her." He says.

I sighed. "She's sixteen, Jacob. She doesn't need me to baby her."

"Leah." He said putting his hand on my back. "Just because she's not a baby doesn't mean she isn't our baby. Our pups, will always need to hear your voice."

I laughed out of pure spite and looked over at him. "Call Joshua and tell him to bring me some clean clothes, I'm not sure my voice will be something he'll want to hear right now. Though, I need to get out of here, a week is long enough. I want to leave now."

"You know I'm not going to do that." He says.

"Well you need to." I said back.

There were two small knocks on the room door, and I sighed.

Visitors are not what I wanted right now.

"How is everything this morning?" Kelly said, walking into the room and I laid on my back looking up at the ceiling.

"What is this? Bother Leah day? Can't you two get that I want to be alone?" I wanted to yell.

Kelly looked at me from the end of my bed. "Not in a good mood today, I see."

"Kelly, do you mind? I want to be alone with Leah for a second." Jacob said without looking at her.

"Sure. Sorry, let me know when you need me." She said quickly walking back out of the room.

I glared at Jacob as she closed the door behind herself. "Since when are you and your stepmom buddy buddy?" I ask.

"Since I asked for her help and she gave it... no questions asked." He says. "I'm worried about you."

"Don't be, I'm fine."

"No, you're not. You're moody and you're isolating yourself from everyone including me."

"So what! I can be alone if I want to." I muttered.

"No, you can't. Not when you have a family that is hurting just as much as you are." He almost yelled. "You don't think I'm angry? You don't think I cry about everything? I know how you're feeling, let us help."

"How do you expect me to do that? I can't breathe in here. No one can help me here." I stated.

"Fine. I'll take you home. We can leave together if you want, but first you go visit Sarah. Visit Sarah then you can go home and be nice to your family."

"Why?" I asked, shaking my head. "Why should I be nice to a family who wants to leave me? I wish I could leave, but not to just go home." I said, feeling the tears run down my cheek.

"What are you talking about?" He says much calmer.

A couple days ago I overheard his conversation with Billy. "They all just want what I want."

"What? Who?" Jacob says confused.

"Daniel.. Joshua... Sarah -if you haven't noticed she wanted the permanent way out." I mouthed. Feeling the nausea as it hit me, I closed my eyes. It makes me sick to think that I envy being young again. You do it all over differently. "I came home for nothing. I thought I would be missed enough for them to wait awhile. All I was doing was making you and them comfortable without me when I went on tour."

"That's not true." He protested.

"It's the only truth, Jacob." I took a deep breath, suddenly feeling the sickness calm down.

"You should eat something." He says.

"I'm not hungry." I lied. I was hungry but I didn't feel like eating. I didn't feel like doing anything other than going home.

"You haven't eaten since yesterday morning."

"It doesn't matter, it's not like I have a baby in me to feed anymore."

"Don't. Don't do that." He snapped which made me jump a little. "It hurts hearing that, like that."

It hurts me as well. "I'm sorry." I muttered.

"I'll tell Kelly that you're ready to leave."

"No." I stopped him. "I'll just leave without all that. I think it's best to just go finish the book tour and not have her breathing down my neck."

"What?" He obviously did not understand me.

"I know Daniel is planning the summer with Hazel. I won't take him away from that, but now that there's no baby I can get back to doing what I want."

Jacob was still standing from the bed and narrowed his eyes at me. "No."

"I'm sure Josh is counting down the days to travel to London with Lauren. I think it's wonderful that she's a model and he wants to pursue music. You shouldn't force him back to medical school."

"Leah." He said in a warning tone. I know how that's a huge disappointment to him, more than it was to me at the moment. Though Josh has to make his own decisions.

"Caleb and you will be fine like always, especially now that Haylie is working at the cafe for part time."

"Stop!" He yelled. "You're not leaving again."

"I'm not doing this to hurt you, I promise. It's just what I need right now." I assured him. "There's nothing keeping us from living our lives."

"And Sarah? What about her? Or did you forget that she tried to kill herself." He reminds me.

"She'll be alright. She'll wake up and you'll hold her and tell her that she didn't have to do what she did." I predicted. "I love you, you know that. I know you'll be good with her, like always." I said and he didn't respond.

Looking up in his brown eyes, his expression was very calm.

"I won't be gone too long this time. You don't understand the hole that aches in my chest right now."

"Then go. Fine. Whatever. You need to be away from us again, I won't stop you." He almost yelled, turning for the door.

"Jacob?" I said not wanting him to leave. "Please, just understand."

"Don't you-" He paused mid step but didn't turn. "I was never the selfish one, it was always you. You, wanting only what you want and not giving a crap about anyone else."

"That's not true." I said low.

"Clearly, it's the only truth. I'm the only one who cares about us."

"I have to heal from this, Jacob. I can't do that and be stressed out about everything that's going on around here."

He couldn't help to hide the disappointment in his features. "Just go ahead. It won't make you happy." He hissed in a whisper.

I can't imagine how I could be so happy away from him. I'm not all that happy here and I'm not all that happy away.

He turned around to glare at me. "You're not the only one who lost a baby. You're not the only one who wants a life of their own. But you see, the difference between you and I is I hate to live my dream without you."

"Then come with me."

"NO!" He yelled again and I sighed. "You're such a horrible person to ask me that! Our daughter almost died and you can care less."

"That's not it and you know it."

"Then tell me! Tell me what it is?" He begged inching closer.

"I can't handle this okay? I can't take it. I'm sorry for how it looks, but you're better at this than I am. You're so much better than I am."

"What are you talking about?" He said, pausing to lean onto the bed. "Why do you always do this to me?" He said with a much softer tone. "I can't live like this, waiting for you."

"Jacob, it's just Japan." I stated. "I won't go anywhere else."

"If I can't make you happy... then, I won't try anymore."

I narrowed my eyes confused. "What does that mean?"

"We should end this for good." He whispered.

"What?" I said, completely lost.

"Since everyone is headed in separate directions, there's not an us or a marriage. It's only me, and if alone there's nothing left to do except sell the house." He shrugged his shoulders. "None of this is more important to you.. I'll keep the cafe and the cars."

I shook my head. "No. That's-"

"So you can travel the world, I'll just move in with my dad and carry on like my kid isn't in a coma." He said in a mocking tone. "We spend so much time apart than together, I think there's no other solution right now."

Putting my head in my hands, feeling it all fall apart. I didn't want any of that. I needed him to be here.

I looked up at him. "Jacob, I know Sarah will be okay. Don't do this to me. You can't sell the house, where will the pups go if they come back?"

"I remember Jeremiah once telling me that people who have depression remember the past, and people who have anxiety stress over the future. At first I had no idea he was talking about you." He stated. "A part of me always knew that I needed to understand your sickness in order to understand you. Now I do." He says.

"What do you mean?"

"You want to know why they haven't let you out of this hospital yet?" He said and I narrowed my eyes already knowing.

"Because," I shrugged my shoulders. "I just lost a baby."

Jacob slowly shook his head. "No, usually after a miscarriage they'll only keep you for a little while. Not this long."

"Maybe they were afraid I would get an infection or something. I did have another Cesarean section." I stated

"They diagnosed you with bipolar disorder." He confessed.

"Me?" I said, feeling that I haven't heard him correctly.

"I kept it from you. After they bought Sarah in, there was talk from everyone. Kelly even called the hospital shrink. They say it can be genetic, and they wouldn't be surprised if you in-fact tried to harm yourself once you got home. So they didn't send you."

I laughed unamused. "I'm not crazy."

"Being bipolar doesn't mean you're crazy, but I also rather stop them from coming in here treating you like that."

"Jacob," I said, holding up my hand for him to shut up. "I just lost a baby."

"You and I know your symptoms lasted longer than that."

"No." I whispered.

"For years, you've dealt with it not realizing what it was."

Angrily I glared at him. Why was he saying this to me?

"Think about it, you've experienced it all. Mood swings, sadness, anger, anxiety, general discontent, guilt, hopelessness, think back to over the years before Sarah, before Josh."

"Everyone goes through those emotions." I disagreed.

"There were moments you loss of interest, you were always aggressive, crying, at times your excessiveness desire for sex, impulsivity, restlessness." He said and it made sense but I didn't want to believe it.

"I don't have that disorder." I denied.

"Depression, paranoia, difficulty falling asleep, unwanted thoughts, lack of concentration. Why do you think all of these years all you wanted to do was move away? And all the chances where we escaped all you wanted was to come back. No matter what, you'll always feel that sadness and it happens on a cycle... we can get help." He stated.

"I don't need help."

"Yes, you do. I'm not saying go to therapy but maybe medication can help."

"That stuff is poison, I'm not putting any pills in my body. I don't care what you say. I'm not crazy- bipolar. I'm fine."

Jacob exhaled. "Sarah tried to kill herself Leah, and she's been struggling for a long time with it too. She managed to keep everything in check because of Embry, he was her distraction... but when she felt he rejected her, the sadness was too much."

I sighed. "I've never thought about killing myself." I lied.

"Jeremiah told me." He said fast and I closed my eyes. "That month that you stayed with him after the first battle with The Volturi, even before he told me I knew."

"How?"

"Telepathic connection." He replied.

I bit the inside of my cheek.

"Not to mention, I've been in your mind. Pack structure, Embry seen it. He even thought about it the week you returned after being awol for five years."

Years ago after Jacob imprinted on Renesmee and I went off to stay with Jeremiah. I wasn't there long but each day I battled the sadness of never being able to be close with Jacob ever again.

My sadness wasn't just about Jacob, it was a million things rolled into one.

My father was dead. I had the gene of shifting into a gigantic wolf at will. I was the only female wolf around annoying and insensitive guys who could read my every thought. My high school sweetheart just married my cousin and they were secretly expecting a baby. The only person that I turned to who understood what I was feeling, had just imprinted on a half-human-half-vampire child.

That time in my life was one of the worst. I harmed myself. Not to particular kill myself but to see if I was human again, and then the idea came, I could end it all and never be missed by anyone. At that time I had stopped phasing soon after everything was getting back to normal... after the bloodsuckers and their battle. All I ever wanted was to be normal, and not to have the wolf-gene.

I thought being away from it all would help. I thought the happiness and understanding of being around Jeremiah was enough to move forward, yet all I felt was the sorrow of what I didn't have and probably could never experience.

At that time Jeremiah suggested college as a good distraction. Living across the country only worked on some days, deep down I missed my home.

My home has always been Jacob.

I looked down at my wrist, and arm where the thin lines once were.

I sighed. "You never brought it up, to even ask why?"

"I never needed to. I get it now though. Why do you think I was so supportive about the book tour in the beginning? You needed a break. With the pups growing up, moving out. A trigger was bound to spike." He shrugged.

"I'm not bipolar." I said merely to myself. "If it mattered so much on how sick I am, then you would be more understanding." I said looking over at him.

"Don't try to manipulate me." Jacob says calmly.

"I'm not." I exhaled. "I'm just...We were so close to losing her and all this time… it's like she's gone already." I said, speaking of Sarah.

"She's not gone." He stated.

"If not by sleep, then with Embry." I stated." She would move to Seattle with him, and he knows that. I can see that's why he doesn't want to love her. He doesn't want to take her away from us completely."

Jacob dropped his head. "Embry's no longer moving. He's staying."

"You think I haven't even cared enough to realize, but I have and I hate it." I stated. "Either way, she won't recover from him."

To even say that out loud, brought tears to my eyes.

He sighed. "I know what you're feeling. I know how sad, and scared you are. I've been there, I'm still there. Don't turn it into rage. I know all too well where the fuss and irritability is coming from. Leah, I know you like that back of my hand. So can you understand that I might be feeling the same way about Sarah and Embry? We'll just have to take more control now." He said sympathetically scooting closer to me on the bed.

I was always a huge coward, he knows that.

"It kills me but I feel what you feel alright? Though I won't allow it to get in the way of all we need to do. Not right now, not when everyone is watching. Even when Sarah's sleeping… She knows who's there. She has too, you can't leave me right now, Leah. You can't leave us. I know it's all too hard to take but we have to go through it together. The worst way to miss someone is when they are right beside you, I don't want to feel that anymore." He says.

"I'm sorry." I whispered with new tears from my eyes. I didn't like making him feel that way. "This is so frustrating and I hate it. You're right. I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I feel, of what I've said, of who I am, most of all I'm scared of losing you. I really don't want to lose you." I confessed.

"Then stop pushing me away." He says, grabbing my hand in his.

His touch was always so warm, it gave chills to my entire body.

He exhaled. "Without you here all I thought about was how alone I was. I still feel sad that soon no one will be living at home anymore. Don't get me wrong; I also feel happy, proud and excited to spend forever just you and I -though the grief of being alone is the strongest. You were gone traveling with Daniel. Caleb was at the cafe, Josh away at school… and Sarah…was with Hazel or Embry. I realized during the summer that everything was changing again. I truly needed someone to listen to me but you were gone and there's no one in these woods I trust more than you."

I trusted him most as well.

"I held everything in, waiting for you to come home to share my feelings with." He confessed. "Soon we'll have an empty nest, as the pups grow and get older but we can't pull away now. We came this far."

"We'll be left with nothing in the end." I whispered.

"Nothing but each other. I don't want to be separated from you. Ever. The kids can go and we may have lost the baby… but this change in our lives should not change us. At first I found myself comparing my loss to other things and came up empty. There are millions of people who tried to have babies and children and here we are still with an amazing four. Now I'm wracking my brain praying Sarah will pull through. I'm terrified." He said and I nodded.

"Me too." I whispered.

"For the kids It's only the beginning of their independence and not needing us in the same way as they had before. I know that is what is supposed to happen, but knowing that doesn't make it feel any better. I love having them all around and at home, it's comforting. I don't think that feeling will ever change."

I smiled at that. "I know that feeling."

"You are also that feeling. I love you, Leah. I don't want to live in this world without you."

I always got this feeling when his eyes meet mine, that feeling when you know someone really loves you with all of their heart. There was absolutely no doubt about it, I loved him too.

"I love you too. I won't go… at least nowhere without you." I say.

Moving his body over, I wrapped my arms around Jacob so tight that it hurt my ribs.

He is my everything.