Chapter 7 – Brush With Death

Author's Note: Please take the warnings at the end seriously if you think something in this chapter might bother you. It gets DARK. Worse before better. I know y'all have been waiting for this for a long time. Lol.

~ Amina Gila

Anakin wraps his arms around himself as if that would make him invisible, torn between going the rest of the way out there or backtracking. Torn between drawing on and drowning himself in his anger or begging forgiveness again, for – for everything. For anything. Because that's all he can ever do. "I didn't mean to wake you," he blurts out instead.

"That is the first thing you have to say?"

"I was not – trying to leave," he protests, knowing it's pointless. "I only want to be alone right now."

"Do you truly expect me to believe that?"

"I had a – a vision. Nightmare. Sidious is searching for me."

Obi-Wan's scowl deepens. "How do you know?"

"He was reaching for me. I was able to shield myself, but I... don't know for how long."

"And you thought leaving would help?"

Something about the comment and the tone finally pushes him over the edge. "Kitster asked me to leave earlier, and I refused!" he yells, "He asked, because he saw what you were doing, and he knew you were my master, and he thought – he thought –"

He chokes over the rest of it, nearly shuddering, but really, it's not an illogical assumption to make, because he is scared of Obi-Wan, to the point it feels like he can't move or breathe or do anything at all. He's terrified of doing something wrong to make his master angry, something that will make his master hurt him, considering... everything, it's not surprising, and maybe that's half the reason he couldn't bear to stay near Obi-Wan after he woke up.

"And I didn't leave," he continues, in a slightly more normal voice, though he knows his rage is still perfectly evident, "I didn't, because I have nowhere else to go, and I can't go to my family because if Sidious finds me, he'll find them."

He stops talking only when he sees – and senses – a strange flicker of fear from Obi-Wan. He's afraid, and that doesn't make sense, and it should be impossible, because this is Obi-Wan. He's... And for some inexplicable reason, he's afraid of Anakin, and he doesn't know why. Anakin can't understand why.

But it explains so much why Obi-Wan has been... what he is, because Anakin himself can understand so well the urge to hurt someone you're afraid of, as if that would do good to make you less afraid. He feels it now, too, and he hates himself for it.

He hates himself for everything, enough that he wants to – to take the lightsaber Obi-Wan buried in the sand somewhere and run it through his own heart, just to... something. He didn't know anything could be worse than what he's already done, than what he was going to do before his master stopped him.

Somehow, this... is.

"You were the one willing to have him around them before," Obi-Wan shoots back.

He has no desire to argue about this again. "I saw no other way," he retorts, "I didn't have time to think of a solution."

"And now you want to hide from him?" he asks, dubiously.

"I did not want to join him!" Anakin protests, but it's pointless. It doesn't change that he did, and he knows it. It doesn't change any of it. It was his choice.

"Then I see no reason to stay out here," Obi-Wan retorts. There's still a hint of uneasiness from him, past the ice he's showing, and Anakin can't understand why.

He thinks that's the only reason he circles past him, stalking back into the cave, instead of stubbornly remaining out here, simply... because. He already told Obi-Wan why he wanted to be out there, and he just wants to be away from him right now, but apparently, he's not allowed that either.

Not that he didn't expect as much. That's why he tried for the distance when Obi-Wan was supposed to be sleeping.

He tries to blink away the memory of his nightmare, of the lightsaber burning into his side. Obi-Wan wouldn't... Not like that. He wouldn't hurt him like that. (He might injure him in a fight, but he wouldn't torture him.)

Anakin moves to the farthest corner of the cave that he can, settling down. There's no way he'll be able to sleep right now, though. He doesn't want to feel Sidious reaching for him again, and he can't...

Obi-Wan lays back down, too, but Anakin can feel that he's very much awake, even if he's making a show of going back to sleep. He doesn't know that either of them will be getting any more sleep tonight.

Now that there's nothing but silence, only the sound of each other's breathing, all he can do is start thinking. He wants, no needs,out of this, and there's no way out.

Sidious is looking for him. Sidious who was once his friend, and now Anakin can't trust him ever again. That still hurts, and it doesn't help that he feels used. Sidious had been so insistent that he had to join him to save Padme, and he didn't. She survived anyway. Yes, it saved Obi-Wan's life but, it's...

He killed people. He led the march on the Temple. They committed treason, but –

The guilt flooding him is nearly more than he can handle. Everything feels like more than he can handle right now.

All he wants is to be with his family, but he doesn't know if that will ever happen. He doesn't deserve for it to happen.

For all he knows, he may never see Padme or his children again... At least not for years, while his children grow up never knowing him.

And Ahsoka... he doesn't know what happened to her, if she's even alive, though he should've sensed it if something happened.

And Obi-Wan hates him. Not to mention that he also seems almost scared of him?! That's what really doesn't make any sense. And he doesn't understand either, because if there is something in him that his master fears, he's clearly too far gone to help. Because if there was something left, Obi-Wan would know that and he'd... he wouldn't be like this. His master was always good, and even if he often hurt Anakin, he would never...

He wants it all to stop. The moonlight flooding the cave glints off the blaster that Obi-Wan's keeping nearby in case they need a weapon – apparently, he does prefer them to lightsabers all of a sudden? – and he can't help thinking of how appealing it looks.

His children would be better off without him, even if he knows how much it hurts to watch the stars, night after night, longing for his own father, seeing how even Kitster got to have his and he would loathe to put his child through that, but it would be better. Padme may be in hiding, but she's not a slave, and she could raise them so, so much easier than his Mom could.

It would be better if they never had to know the monster he is.

It would be better if he never had to face Ahsoka's anger and condemnation when she sees what he's become. It'd be best if she never had to know.

And Sidious is searching for him, and with how messed up and angry he is at Obi-Wan, he wouldn't be surprised if he did something else whichhe would very much regret when Sidious arrives. It's not as though Obi-Wan cares for him anymore. That clearly changed when he Fell and – and it should have. He's a traitor.

And Obi-Wan would never tell him to leave – which Anakin is grateful for, because he has no idea how he could ever start living on his own and the very thought terrifies him – but he obviously doesn't want him here, either.

Obi-Wan's even breathing is a fairly safe indication that it'll be fine to move around, and he silently stands again. Obi-Wan will probably be furious if he catches him, but he's good at not getting caught, and now he knows about the security measures. It's not as though it could be any riskier than infiltrating one of the many Separatist bases they've had to during the war. It doesn't help how the lack of fighting makes him feel itchy. Like he needs to be doing something.

Anakin calls the blaster to his hand, the cold surface of it a jarring reminder of what... what he's about to do. He doesn't know what he's doing, or maybe he does. He silently slips out of the cave, and since he can't go out, he goes up, climbing on top of the cave. It hurts to move like that, but it doesn't bother him. The pain is grounding. He deserves that and so much more, obviously, if Obi-Wan thought he did.

He turns the blaster over in his hands, finger hovering close to the trigger. It would be so simple.

He was meant to destroy the Sith after all and that's what he is now. His purpose is gone, and he's never felt so worthless and unwanted in his life.

He doesn't know if he really intends to pull the trigger, but –

**w**

Obi-Wan can't actually say what woke him, except that he's had a very, very hard time sleeping for years now. Something just doesn't feel quite right. The Force is whispering with warning, and it – as usual – takes him a few moments to remember where he is and what's happening. Vader is not beside him, or anywhere in sight.

He suppresses a sigh. Not again. Twice in the same night? This is very, very old. He has enough to deal with already without having to put up with this nonsense. Vader's attitude earlier was confusing. If Sidious is really reaching for him, it's more than a little concerning, but he'd more concerned about Vader telling him where they are then Sidious finding them on his own.

But that's hardly relevant right now. First, he needs to find out what Vader is up to, and where he even went because he's not in the entrance of the cave and the alarm never want off. He feels very close by, too.

Obi-Wan silently makes his way outside, quickly making out the dark figure seated on top of the cave – slightly turned away so he's not facing him. The Force is humming with warning though, and he doesn't know why. Unless Vader's... up to something?

He pulls himself up to the top, blood running cold at the sight – Vader's holding the blaster, only inches from his head, his intention pouring much too loudly into the Force.

All-consuming horror floods him, and Obi-Wan lashes out instinctively, ripping the blaster away from him with the Force. Because – what?! He can scarcely form a coherent thought past the dread coursing through him. Or past his own hammering heart, because – he – he has no idea how to handle something like this. Vader was about to... and he doesn't understand. Why would Vader do that?! Why would...

"Anakin," he says, though he doesn't know why he's calling him that. It's not...

Vader turns towards Obi-Wan, something about him looking more tired and worn than anything else.

"Why – why would you..." Obi-Wan can't talk properly. It doesn't help he doesn't know what to say. He's never dealt with anything like this. Never had to. Why would he have to?! And he can't stop thinking that if he came up a moment later, it would have been too late, and he's already watched Anakin die once. If he came up here to see – to see him gone, he would have... He doesn't know. He doesn't want to. He's seen him as Vader all this time, but he can't deny the sickening terror and panic flooding him at the thought of how close he just came to losing him all over again.

"Why won't you just let me go?" he demands, voice shaking. "You don't want me here. Why – why are you keeping me?"

It always hurts to see how he's speaking. It's so much like Anakin, except this isn't him, but for the first time, Obi-Wan finds himself doubting that. "Anakin, I..." Force. He has no idea what to do. "I don't have anywhere else to keep you," he answers, approaching him. "Why would you do this? Why would you want to die?"

"Why would I want to live?" he shoots back, "All I have is you, and you don't – don't want me here."

It takes Obi-Wan a moment to think about how to even respond to that, because he's hardly sure what to say. He nearly lost Anakin again, and the only thing that will play on repeat in his mind right now is what if he'd come here a moment later and it was too late. And Anakin is saying that he wants to die, and what?!

He never – he didn't really think about how Anakin was feeling about any of this. Not truly. He never thought of him as Anakin at all until right now, because seeing this and thinking over the last few days, he doesn't know how he can call him 'Vader'. He doesn't know how Anakin could have done any of what he was starting to do at the Temple either, but –

"Master, what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to go this far."

When he'd said those things, he was being genuine, and so unlike Vader. So like Anakin, and... Has he really been there all this time? The implications of that are too extreme for him to contemplate right now, especially when his mind is still numb with horror over what nearly happened. What still could because Anakin still wants death. It sounds so insane and impossible because Anakin, as Obi-Wan knew him, was always light and cheerful and...

"I only ever wanted you. Here. Alive." He never realized how true it is until this moment – that that's part of the reason he'd brought him here, instead of letting the other Jedi deal with him. He wanted Anakin back. After years of being alone, after learning he had the chance to have him again, Obi-Wan couldn't let that go.

Anakin shakes his head, breathing in shakily. "I am only here as – as your prisoner."

It's hard to remember sometimes, that he has no idea that for Obi-Wan, everything fell apart a decade ago. That – any of it, actually. "No. No, you're not."

"You never acted like I was anything else."

Years ago, he would have said I thought you knew, but... he didn't, because he never did stop to question if Anakin was truly still there, or how he was handling it. Seeing him cry had hurt but Obi-Wan never stopped to think about whether this was Anakin.

But it was. There was only Anakin, and that's all there is now.

Anakin, who he's been all but ignoring for weeks since they came here. Who he stabbed – not as if that's half as bad as before.

He tosses the blaster onto the rocks with a dull thump and moves closer across the very-much-not-meant-for-walking-on cave top. "Anakin..."

This is Anakin, here, standing in front of him and it's...

He's here. He's alive. That's more than anything Obi-Wan could ever ask for.

Part of him is almost wary to walk up to him, but he doesn't stop. This isn't Vader.

Hesitantly, he raises his hand, touching Anakin's cheek. Anakin closes his eyes but doesn't otherwise react. "Don't do this," Anakin asks finally, "Don't – pretend to care. Please. I know what I've done. I know what I am. I know what I deserve. You know I want to believe this. Don't... do this to me."

Seeing Anakin like this cuts through his heart. It should never have happened. If he thought... But he didn't think. He only thought of Vader and of everything that was just happening in the future.

Obi-Wan doesn't say anything, because for once, there is nothing words can do. Instead, he drops his hand to Anakin's shoulder and pulls the boy into his arms.

Anakin inhales sharply before he slowly raises his arms to wrap them around Obi-Wan, clinging to him. He melts into the embrace, burying his face in Obi-Wan's shoulder. It makes him feel so much smaller than he is, and somehow, over time, Obi-Wan forgot how warm Anakin always was. Tatooine was hot, and at first, it had hurt so much for all that it reminded him of Anakin.

He's exhausted now, but he doesn't want to pull away to sit down. Anakin is here, right here, and finally Obi-Wan lets himself focus on the blinding presence right beside him. It's burning, like a star, and that brings back many unpleasant memories, but the fact that Anakin is still here is enough to make that fade away.

"I do care, Anakin," he says firmly. How does he even begin explaining this? "I know I have... not shown it, but I do."

"I'm sorry," he breathes, grip tightening, "I know I – deserve no more than what you... have given me."

Something tightens in him painfully. "You asked how I knew your Sith name was Vader," Obi-Wan begins.

Anakin stiffens, and he may have pulled away if Obi-Wan was feeling very inclined to let go of him. Which he's not. He hasn't touched Anakin in years. He hasn't been with him in years. "Perhaps there are some things I should tell you," he muses, pulling back though he's still touching his arm. He doesn't want to let go. It feels like Anakin will disappear again if he does. He – he should have seen it sooner, that Anakin was still in there.

"What?" His expression is slightly wary.

This will be a long conversation, and Obi-Wan seats himself atop the rocks. Anakin slowly follows his example. "You would have sensed the shift in the Force when it happened. I came back from... ten years in the future. I lived it without you. I was meant to go to Utapau. I did not, because I knew what would occur if I did."

"You... time travelled?" Anakin has always been so good at keeping his voice even that its terrifying. It's hard to tell whether he believes it or not.

"I was sent back to change the past," he replies, reaching over to lay a hand on his arm. Anakin is here, and it feels like he can't wrap his mind around it, even if he should have already known it, "Before, things were... worse."

"Worse?" he echoes, frowning. "How could it be worse?" The raw pain on his face cuts into his heart sharper than a knife – as does the thought of trying to explain to Anakin what happened to them in the future.

"I was on Utapau when it happened," Obi-Wan begins, slowly. He may have accepted the Jedi's destruction, but that makes it no easier to talk about. Not to the person who is still complicit in it, even in this timeline. Even if the reason he did is far different than Obi-Wan could have imagined. "The only Jedi I knew survived at the time was Master Yoda. When we returned to the Temple, the battle there was already over."

"Oh," Anakin breathes, face pale. Obi-Wan can sense his horror keenly in the Force. "I did all of it, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did." And he had been so close to losing Anakin a second time; this time, forever.

"I'm sorry," Anakin says softly.

Obi-Wan doesn't bother commenting how an apology won't bring back the lives he took, and it won't make Obi-Wan not have lived through what he did. "Master Yoda and I split up to take down the Sith," he continues instead. "Yoda went after Sidious, and I came to find you. We... fought on Mustafar. It went..." He's never talked about this before, and he doesn't know how to. It's haunted him ever since, and he can still see Anakin reaching for him. "It went as you can imagine," he says finally.

"I can imagine many things," Anakin points out, "Last time I was there, I nearly fell into a lava river with a two-year-old Rodian, and the last time we were on a lava planet was Lola Sayu, and I left one of my best friends for dead, only to discover he's been used as a computer for years, and I... know there was nothing more I could have done, but I still feel responsible."

Obi-Wan winces. That... sounds very familiar.

That seems to have been an answer enough for Anakin. "I... almost want to know, but I won't ask," he decides finally. "I just don't understand. Master, I'm still Vader. I still joined Sidious. I still killed people. Where do you draw the line, then? Why haven't you tried to kill me?"

"I did try," Obi-Wan points out morbidly. "I couldn't do it. I couldn't finish it last time. I... thought you were gone, until I saw you again."

"It takes a lot to take me down," Anakin points out, "And you've had past experience dealing with Sith that don't die easily."

Obi-Wan doesn't know what he could say to that. Anakin seems to be trying to joke about this, but that's normal, except it falls flat. Neither of them wants to think about it. "That was ten years... after," he continues, "Apparently my old master Qui-Gon found a way to preserve his consciousness into the Force. He appeared to me the first time and sent me back. I have not heard from him since."

"Appeared?" Anakin asks, eyes widening. "He can do that? I thought what I saw on Mortis was an illusion!"

"It's hard to say," Obi-Wan points out, "Many things happened there that should be impossible."

Anakin looks away, and Obi-Wan senses his mind is going down a very dark path. "What stopped you?" he inquires, "You're a Jedi. Why wouldn't you finish it? You know... I would understand."

Obi-Wan's fingers still where they were stroking across Anakin's arm. He doesn't know what to say to that. "I didn't realize how far gone he was," he answers at last, "All I could see was you, and it hurt to see him in pain."

"I don't understand. He is me, isn't he?"

"No."

"Anakin is gone. I am what remains."

"You didn't kill Anakin Skywalker. I did."

"You were gone," Obi-Wan assures him, "He said it himself. When I came back, I did not fully understand it was you. And it was all so fast, I never thought of what it would do to you. I should have known how much it would... hurt you."

Anakin smiles, softly, and the sheer familiarity of it nearly makes his heart stop. "I'm not your failure, Obi-Wan."

He could have sworn he saw that look on Vader's face, too – through his scars and mask and even if his eyes were a different color. "Anakin," he breathes. That look in his padawan's eyes is one of pure adoration, what he remembers so clearly from years ago. Obi-Wan leans forwards, pulling Anakin against him in a fierce embrace. He wants to hold on and never let go, and he wants to... he doesn't know, but the emotions strangling him reminds him so much of what he felt last time he heard that in Anakin's voice.

"Why do you want to be with me?" Anakin asks him softly, "I still betrayed you."

"It wasn't about me," Obi-Wan objects, only to abruptly remember that, truthfully, it was always all about him. Everything with them was – he had left Leia not for her or for duty, but because he wanted – needed – to deal with Vader again himself. And they needed to do it alone. "Truthfully, I miss you. I don't understand why any more than you do, but I cannot simply forget what you meant to me."

"That never concerned you before," Anakin points out.

That stings. Really, it does. Why would he ever...? "Why would you believe that?" Obi-Wan demands, "My attachment to you was always the one thing I could never let go. I would have left the Order for you. I have wondered what would have happened had you left, and I followed."

Anakin pulls back, studying him. "You're not serious," he replies automatically, "But you're not lying. That is not..." He blinks a few times, "Why didn't you tell me?" he finally wants to know. There's a distinct layer of hurt in his voice.

"It is an attachment. I didn't want to encourage it," he replies, because he knew and still does know it's the Jedi way, and he knows how much it's interfering with his duty as a Jedi, but he's not truly a Jedi anymore. Not as he once was. Too much has changed. "And I thought you knew."

"How could I have known?" Anakin queries. "It is not as though you were... clear about it."

Truthfully, he doesn't know why Anakin would say that. All he's spent thinking about for years were those days he was with him, and he doesn't see why his padawan wouldn't see how much he meant to him, but... He knows he made a lot of mistakes raising him, but it wasn't that drastic, was it? "I was in all ways that I knew."

"You still sided with the Council over me," Anakin argues. "Always. I don't know how you could have thought it was clear. There was nothing clear about it. I knew on some level but not like this, and..." He lets out a quiet sigh. "I really don't understand. I thought you were going to kill me at the Temple, and I... sometimes still do."

"Why?" Obi-Wan demands, "Why now? How could you do that?"

"I'm just... tired. Sidious would not stop reaching for me, and you were so distant. Cold."

Anakin can say what he wants, but the truth is clear. Obi-Wan did fail him, before and again. He had the choice and how did he make the same mistake again?!

"Don't dwell on it," Anakin advises, "I don't like it when you're dark. Can I... touch you?"

He sounds so shy. And why is he even asking that? "Of course."

Anakin leans over, finally, lightly dropping his head onto Obi-Wan's shoulder. It hurts in some unfathomable way to have him here again. In the darkness, he's almost convinced Anakin is his imagination. That he's not real.

Obi-Wan leans back against the rocks behind him – it's elevated back here. Anakin half-sprawls, literally, beside him, moving over to lay his head on Obi-Wan's chest. He wraps his free arm around Obi-Wan's waist.

Obi-Wan winds one of his arms slightly around him, before instinctively taking Anakin's hand, much the same way Leia had his own earlier. Hardly any time ago. It could have been forever. Years now separate those times. It hurts to think about how the twins aren't here anymore.

The rocks they're lying on are not comfortable, and Obi-Wan well understands the dangers of sleeping out in the open, but he doesn't want to move. He doesn't want to ask Anakin to get up. Neither does he want to let him go. He doesn't have to, though.

Anakin is here, and he's not going anywhere. Obi-Wan wouldn't let him even if he wanted to.

WARNING: Emotionally abusive relationship, suicidal thoughts and actions

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