The Caked Crusader
"I still can't believe you got Bruce to do this," Artemis laughed, around a mouthful of popcorn.
"It was all Cass," I said, in a chorus with Steph, Jason, Tim, and Dick. The girl in question simply beamed and made grabby hands at the candy bowl in Jason's lap.
"Literally, all it took was Cass giving him puppy eyes, and Bruce was sold on the whole idea," Jason continued. He tried to hold out, but quickly fell for a smaller dose of those same puppy eyes to give her the bowl.
"Still, I thought Batman was too much of a bamfy type to fall so easily for puppy eyes," Wally scoffed, around a mouthful of popcorn. "C'mon, he's Batman. Ya know, 'I am vengeance. I am the night. I am Batman', and all that?"
Cass turned to him, her eyes instantly sad. I knew what she was doing, and it still made my heart pinch. "Aah, here, take the popcorn, take the beer, take everything," Wally relented, hurriedly shoving everything at her, even while the rest of us laughed.
"Cass only uses her powers for good, though," I assured, playing with her hair for a second. She started nearly purring and scooted closer to me on the floor, so I kept going. Her hair was like silk anyway, so it was anything but a hardship.
"Oh, oh, it's starting!" Tim said, from the other side of Dick. "Everybody, shut up!"
The eight of us, spread all over Dick's and my living room, all quieted down, just as Bruce's face filled the TV screen. Steph let out a quiet giggle, and I couldn't help but join in at seeing his public mask on, smiling so widely at the camera that it had to have hurt. But he just kept on smiling and waving, even as Nicole Byer announced him as "Bruce Wayne, billionaire, entrepreneur, philanthropist, reformed playboy, and loving dad to- How many kids do you have, Bruce?"
"I lost count after the third one," Bruce joked. Well, it was supposed to be a joke, but those of us who knew him knew it wasn't really a joke. He really was terrible at remembering all of us. And I wasn't sure if he would count me and Steph, or even Babs. It probably depended on the day, really, and how much we had annoyed him recently.
Nicole was cackling, trying to catch her breath, when Wally leaned around Artemis to look at the majority of Gotham's heroes sprawled across my living room. "Who's on patrol tonight, anyway? If all of you are here and Bruce is on live TV, I mean."
"J'onn is pretending to be Batman, and Damian and Duke lost out due to seniority," Dick answered, his face still glued to the TV.
"Which really came down to us telling the runts that they didn't have a choice," Jay finished with a grin.
"Seems fair," Artemis said. "It's totally their turn."
"And you really don't think that D is watching while on patrol?" I laughed. "You know he is, even if Duke is still too scared of messing up to join him."
"Yeah, Little D probably is," Dick replied, though he was instantly shushed by Tim.
"So, Bruce, what brings you to our kitchens today?" Nicole asked on screen.
Bruce looked adorably uncomfortable, and I was pretty sure it was all real. He couldn't actually say that his daughter had emotionally blackmailed him into it, after all. "Alfred, the man who raised me, he's always been a fantastic cook and baker. He tried to teach me, but without a lot of success. And, well, I've always wanted to bake a cake for my kids, ya know?"
Nicole and Jacques aaawed, followed by canned aaws, as well. "Well, aren't you the cutest dad ever? I'd call you something else, but the producers warned me that they can't bleep anything out as it's live today," Nicole continued.
Every single person in my apartment cackled at the very red shade Bruce turned. "I'm sure my wife appreciates it, since she's backstage waiting for me," he finally managed to get out.
"I'm pretty sure Sel is dying of laughter right now," I countered, not that Bruce could hear me.
Nicole eventually got on to introducing the rest of the contestants, Lena Luthor and some other incredibly rich person who seemed to give Bruce the stink eye, before obviously remembering that he was on live TV and turning up a very false smile. "Now, everyone probably already knows this, but this is a very special charity episode of Nailed It!" she continued. "Not only are we live from Gotham City, and the proceeds from the streaming fees will go to charity, but each one of our billionaire contestants has pledged to donate their winnings to a charity of their choosing. And it seems that Bruce and Lena have both promised to match their winnings, as well. Now, starting with you, Bruce, why don't you tell us about the charity you'll be donating to if you win."
Bruce grinned, a real one, this time. "The Green House here in Gotham. It's a sustainable charity started by my daughter-in-law, Genevieve Grayson, where they aim to eradicate childhood homelessness and hunger in Gotham City. They've done a lot of good already, and I know this donation would help so many more kids." I couldn't help the rush of pride that went through me at his words, and I also couldn't help but start dreaming all that we could do with an extra twenty thousand dollars. Not that Bruce wouldn't just give me that money if I asked, or even hinted, but it was the principle of the thing.
Nicole and Jacques aawed again before turning to Lena. "My charity is one I've been working closely with for a few years in National City," Lena said with a smile. "A New Leash on Life has helped both shelter animals who would have otherwise been put down and inmates in the corrections facilities find positive outlets in their lives."
"And my wife thanks you for all your hard work for it," Bruce told her, and she laughed.
"Well, Selina was a huge help to me when I set up our National City chapter, and she's helped immensely in the time since," she replied.
The other guy, who'd already forgotten he was supposed to be smiling, said something about donating to a food kitchen in his hometown.
"Well, today's episode is based on superheroes," Nicole announced, and I couldn't have stopped the snort that escaped me at the irony of it all if I tried. "So, for our Baker's Choice, we have a variety of superhero-shaped… sugar cookies!"
She enthusiastically waved at the cupboard behind her, and the doors flew open to reveal Supergirl, Wonder Woman, and Black Canary in all their sugary likenesses. Lena instantly lunged for the Supergirl one, while Bruce snagged Wonder Woman right behind her.
"Lena, you were pretty quick to grab Supergirl," Nicole noticed. "Any particular reason?"
Pink stained Lena's cheeks a bit, even as she shrugged. "She's my hometown's hero."
"And it helps that she sleeps in your bed every other night," Artemis muttered, making most of us snort in laughter.
"And Bruce, why did you choose Wonder Woman?" Nicole continued, looking incredibly amused.
"Because I didn't think I could do Black Canary's fishnets justice," came his prompt reply, drawing more laughter from the hosts and us.
"Yeah, probably a safer bet," Wally agreed with him, "since Dinah would happily slaughter him if he didn't get her right."
"Diana will be more forgiving," Jay added with a nod.
The three bakers were sent to their kitchens with an hour to recreate their sugary masterpieces. Since it was a live event, we saw the whole hour. Bruce was tackling his cookie with all the seriousness that he usually reserved for missions, and Lena even stepped out of her six-inch heels for it. "Things are getting serious now!" Nicole cackled, and Jacques agreed with his cute little grin.
"No, Bruce, you have to shape the cookie before you bake it!" Tim yelled out, like Bruce would be able to hear him through the Wi-Fi or something.
Bruce couldn't hear him, obviously, and baked his entire blob of cookie dough at the same time. "C'mon, Bruce, amateur move," Steph groaned.
But somehow, even for baking the entire cookie blob at once, he turned out a remarkably decent looking cookie. You could definitely tell it was supposed to be Wonder Woman, with her cute little tiara amidst her frosting hair. She ended up with no face, but at least she had all the hair. And props to him for getting a Red Vine and spraying it with gold paint for her lasso at the last minute. Nicole and Jacques were even pleasantly surprised with the taste, especially given the whole "cooking all the dough at once and definitely not for long enough" issue he had to deal with. But even for all that, Lena won with her Supergirl. I mean, it was hard to fight against the teeny tiny skirt made out of a fruit roll up, and the perfectly painted S. So, Lena ended up with the sparkly gold baker's hat, and the grumpy guy got the "Nicole annoys the others for three minutes each" bonus for the next round, since his cookie was somehow burnt on the outside and still doughy in the middle.
Artemis snorted a laugh as she read a text. "Dinah just said that guy has failed his cookie!"
We were all still laughing at that when Nicole and Jacques announced the second task, though we quickly quieted down when we saw the monstrosity that they were supposed to recreate. It was a cake, or rather, several cakes, sculpted into Gotham's skyline, with cake pops for ALL of Gotham's vigilantes. "How are they supposed to finish that in two hours?" Tim whispered in somewhat horrified awe.
Bruce and Lena each dived in, determined to beat the other. Grumpy Guy looked like he was wishing he was anywhere else at the moment, which was pretty entertaining. It made me wonder who had blackmailed him into doing the show.
Bruce beat Lena getting his cakes into the oven, but she threw some food coloring into his fondant when his back was turned, so he had to start over on that. Nicole and Jacques howled at the blatant competitiveness. "We've never had such deliberate sabotage before," Jacques said, torn between amusement and horror.
Nicole was entirely delighted. "That's my kinda girl!"
Bruce was just starting on his cake pops when Grumpy hit his special bonus, meaning Nicole came by to annoy his competitors, and she started on Bruce. "Bruce! Bruce! Orange juice! Did you know that rhymes? Do the butts match? Do they really match? Are you really Batman?"
Bruce, and everyone else both in the studio and my living room, burst into laughter. Lena almost dropped the cake she was pulling out of the oven. "Of course, the butts match!" he said, turning around to give the cameras a good view of his tush. Which was weird for me, but whatever.
She had to have planned on saying that, since the producers quickly found a picture of Batman's butt to put next to it. Of course, Batman's butt was more than slightly covered by his cape, and Bruce's was covered mostly by his suit jacket, but it didn't matter. Everyone knew it was a crack conspiracy theory, anyway, only good for laughs.
"They do not, Bruce, you little liar!" Wally cried, throwing popcorn at the screen.
"Yeah, that's totally Dick, when he's had to fill in for Bruce," I added, and everyone looked at me. "What, you don't think I can recognize my own husband's butt?"
"There are literal yards of fabric over that, Gen! How can you even tell?" Steph asked incredulously.
"I know that butt way too well to mistake it for Bruce's."
Everyone swung around to stare at Wally, except Dick. "You do realize how weird it is to hear you say things like that, right, babe?" Artemis sighed as she cuddled back into his side.
"We've known each other since I was twelve!" Dick attempted to defend his best friend, but really just dug him in further.
"You guys definitely put the 'romance' in bromance," Tim muttered.
"It's a very recognizable butt," I consoled Wally, but then grinned and added, "but it's still weird that you can recognize it!"
"Oh, shut up, all of you," he muttered, turning nearly as red as his hair.
Bruce was starting his cake pops as Nicole went to bother Lena. I could see him counting them all, and he kept looking at them like he was missing something, but couldn't figure out what. Eventually, he just shook his head and moved on, covering the little balls with fondant.
"He's totally regretting adopting all of us now!" Tim crowed.
"But who's he forgotten?" Steph asked, doing the same counting that Bruce had done.
"He didn't actually forget- No! He totally did!" Dick laughed so hard he nearly fell off the couch. Pulling me with him in the process, but I couldn't be mad, since I was also dying laughing.
Bruce finished placing his very last cake pop around his little cake Gotham right as the timer buzzed for the last second. It was surprisingly good, even for his glaring omission, and Nicole and Jacques seemed to agree.
"It's really good, really beautiful. But, Bruce, you did miss someone," Nicole cackled.
Bruce panicked, looking over his creation. I could see him mentally counting everyone, and checking against his cake pops. "No, I got everyone," he countered. He named each hero as he pointed to them. "Catwoman, Black Bat, Nightwing, the Signal, Batgirl, Red Hood, Robin, Red Robin. I got all of them."
"Yes, but,… it would seem that… you seem to have forgotten Batman," Jacques said, sounding both amused and apologetic.
Bruce stared unseeing at him, like he couldn't have possibly made such a rookie mistake. Then, "Fu-" The resulting, very drawn out beep proved Nicole wrong about the producers' ability to censor anything. My living room erupted into laughter, and I was so glad for the internet's ability to capture things forever.
AN: This is probably my last chapter for Cat Nip, unless the muse strikes again, so I'll be marking this story as complete. But I want to thank all of you who have read this, and especially to those of you who have reviewed. Thanks for joining me and Gen for the ride, especially for this utter crack. It was a ton of fun to write!
Oh, and PS, if it wasn't obvious, this was inspired by a couple of Tumblr posts, just in case someone thinks it was all me. It really wasn't.