CHAPTER FOUR
(JPOV)
My whole world shifted at the mention of Bella's four words.
"She's our little girl."
Gravity itself seemed to change for me. Shift somehow, as freaking impossible as that sounded, it was my absolute truth in this moment.
Those words ran though my head, over and over again as Sue reappeared in the living room momentarily, and asked us what we wanted for jam with our crackers.
"What kind of jelly would you both like with your cheese and crackers? I also found some olives. There is pepper jam and blueberry? Does it matter which one or-?"
"Either is fine, Sue. Thank you so much." Bella answered, her gaze tearing away from my own with her brief reply then.
I couldn't stop looking down at the sleeping child on the sofa. Her peaceful expression now reminding me so much of Bella when she slept.
Her skin was a shade lighter than mine, but still rich enough in russet hue to compare us. Her lashes were long, casting ample shadows down on her round cheeks while she continued to dream without interruption. She had Bella's lips and her chin, but the shape of her eyes matched my own, and the thick ink black of her hair was identical to the way I remembered my mothers to be, the slight curl to it matching that of Rachel's when she was younger.
"Jake...-say something." Bella breathed.
"She's three?" I somehow managed, my voice hoarse now.
"Yes, four in May."
"May...-"
"May twenty-third." Bella confirmed.
With heartbreak that felt worse than anything I'd ever known, and that was saying a lot, it donned on me then what significance this coming Birthday held for her.
"No longer a toddler-" I stated.
Bella stared back at me, her sadness a mere reflection of what I was feeling right now.
I'd missed so much with her already.
Time I couldn't ever get back.
"I know-"
"No, you don't." I sharply countered, the new edge in my voice causing Bella to startle some when I stepped toward her. "You don't have any idea what I'm feeling right now, Bella."
She didn't respond to this at first, her remorse evidently written in her face as she peered down again to Sarah.
"I'm sorry-"
"...-and that name-"
Bella's emotion welled and spilled over at this, her body trembling with her sincere reply.
"I wanted her to have your mothers name. I knew the moment I found out I was having a girl-"
"How could you do this to me?" I angrily countered, my tears turning into bitterness the more I went on.
"Jake, I-"
"How could you do that to her!?" I half shouted, putting some much needed distance between us as my tremors grew to new heights.
"I did everything I could to do right by her!" She shot back, the fire behind her tone quickly igniting at my accusation.
"Keeping me away- that's doing everything you could for her?"
I was quickly losing the fight to keep my composure, and when I saw Sarah stir from the noise, I did the only sane thing I could think of.
I left Charlie's house then and headed straight for the woods, but I didn't get far.
"Jake!" Bella yelled from behind me, her running footfalls unable to keep up with mine.
I was seconds away from phasing, I could feel it.
"Stay back!" I warned her. "I mean it!"
Despite my warning, Bella trudged on in the snow after me, and I was forced to reign the wolf back in the best I could.
"Bella!"
"No, Jake!" She shouted, reaching the border of the forest where I was. "I'm not letting you run away from this."
"That's funny coming from you!" I humorlessly spat back her way. "Cause that's exactly what you did! You took off with that bloodsucker of yours. Married him! Even after what we shared!"
Another heated tremor rolled through me as I thought of how he played a significant role in this. Him and his whole clan.
"I was a coward for what I did. I know that."
I couldn't think straight, my head warring with my heart, because as angry as I was with her, there was also a bigger part of me that was so damn happy to have her back. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't relieved to get another chance at building the life with her I knew in my heart we were meant to have all along.
She was part of me. That connection we shared still ran just as bone deep as it ever had. There was no denying it.
"Why?" I demanded. "Tell me why, Bells!? You owe me that! Why didn't you tell me before!?"
"So many reasons. All of them selfish. I can't ever justify it to you."
"Then tell me, if you didn't want me in her life at all, why the hell are you back here now!? Why not just keep right on living your sham of a marriage and your perfect life with the Cullens!? I thought you were-"
I stopped short before the last word could leave me, trying to get a grip on my anger as she looked back toward Charlie's house.
"I should have been. That was the plan, for Edward to change me."
The very idea made me sicker than normal.
"-But you're still you." I huffed out, knowing she'd caught the relief in my tone now.
"Yes, I couldn't go through with it. When I found out I was pregnant with Sarah, everything as I knew it changed. I wanted to be here for her. To be the mother she deserved and to grow with her. Edward tried to convince me otherwise. Told me I was selfish for not going through with the original plan. He tried to talk me into having an abortion at first."
Heat licked up my spine at this and for the first time in over three years, I wanted to hunt Edward Cullen down and destroy him all over again.
"-and you still stayed with him even after he-"
"My marriage is a lie, Jake. I don't think I have to tell you that."
"It took you until Sarah was three to figure that out?"
"No, I knew it the day I married him."
The snow covered us both as it continued to fall in heavy bouts, but still she was unmoving in her stance there with me.
She shivered and I felt some of my anger dissipate at the sight of her getting chilled to the bone.
I shot a glance toward my truck and pulled the keys from my pocket, before taking off my top flannel shirt and handing it over to her.
"Come on, you're freezing out here."
She shrugged into the flannel and followed after me as I held open the passenger side door.
Once we were inside the cab, I started the engine and cranked the heat as high as it would go.
"Is this yours?"
"Yeah, rebuilt it all last year. Just another way for me to stay busy after work." I admitted, seeing her admire the interior with a nod of enthusiasm.
"It's really nice, Jake."
"Thanks."
We both went silent then, watching the snow as it fell onto the windshield ahead, while trying to say the right thing when it was painfully clear that neither one of us knew where to start again.
After a few minutes, and when her teeth stopped chattering from the cold, something else that brought back another memory with it, Bella turned my way and sucked in a sharp breath.
"I want you to know that I never ever wanted thing to turn out this way. Not for any of us. For you, for me, and especially for Sarah."
"I want to believe you- I do- but you made a choice-... many of them."
"-...and I chose wrong, and I have to live with that."
"No-...We both have to live with that. Make that all three of us." I solemnly told her, unable to keep the emotion from my baritone. "I can't get that time back with her, Bella. Not ever. Her first steps, her first words. All of it. I missed it and there's no rewind button for that."
Bella nodded and wordlessly scooted over into the middle seat next to me, her eyes glossy when she reached in her pocket and pulled out her cell phone. She opened the camera app and hurriedly scrolled through the many photos and videos until she'd found the one she was searching for. She handed the phone over to me and pressed the play button.
In the short video, one of many, Sarah could be seen crawling across the floor, her giggle bubbly and bright with eager excitement as she scooted along along and held her hands up for Bella.
"There's so many on here." Bella admitted. "I saved every moment that I could. Every one. I know it's not the same, but-"
"It's something." I admitted.
At the house, we soon caught sight of Sue peering her head out with a wave to us.
"They're probably wondering where we went off too." Bella sighed.
"Don't want to keep them waiting."
"Will you please stay?" She asked. "I have so much I need to say to you, Jake. So much you need to know."
I nodded and she took her phone back, her fingers brushing mine and stilling at the contact. I reluctantly met her gaze and laced our fingers together, trying to remember how much I still loved her.
"You're Charlie's Christmas wish, you know. Coming back here." I truthfully told her. "He's missed you, Bella. He's not the only one."
We headed back inside and spent the rest of the long evening hunkered down together in front of the small fire I'd started in the living room. We talked and while I still had so many questions, she answered as many of them as she could without giving anything away to Charlie.
Thankfully Sue stayed with us and tended to the meal, and it wasn't too long before both she and Charlie were fast asleep on the other couch with a blanket on each end.
"You're not tired?" I asked, seeing Bella get another cup of coffee just before the dawn hour.
"No, I should be exhausted but I'm not. Besides, Sarah is an early riser. She'll be up in no time."
"She's beautiful, Bella."
Bella gazed out toward the living room and drew closer to me with her reply.
"She looks a lot like you."
"I see a pretty good mix."
"She has your eyes."
"Maybe the shape, but the color are yours." I softly countered.
"Her hair is all you." She warmly smiled in return.
"That curl comes from my mothers side I think. Rachel and Rebecca had wavy hair like that when they were little. I have the photos for proof." I hedged.
"I'd love to see those sometime." She managed.
"I'll show them to you. Dad has them at his place for safe keeping."
"I want him to see her, Jake." Bella stated. "I want her to know who her family is. I want her to know you. This trip back here to Forks isn't a brief thing. I'm staying. For good. My home is here. My heart is here. My father's here. You're here."
A/N: Thank you for all the wonderful reviews for this holiday story! Please tell me your thoughts in another for this update and look for more to come tonight. Spoiling my readers for Christmas brings me such joy! HAPPY READING!