Chapter 45: Figuring Stuff Out

They were lying in bed; both barely said a word since Meredith arrived. They decided that they were both tired and should just go to bed. However, they were lying in bed, each reading something different, glancing at each other once in a while, but not saying anything about what happened earlier. Everything was supposed to be different now, but instead, it felt worse.

"We can't just keep sitting here like this." Meredith whispered.

"What?"

"We're just...you're being weird."

"I'm reading..."

"You didn't even really acknowledge when I got here."

"Yes I did."

"Of course, you did." Meredith rolled her eyes, looking back at the magazine in front of her. She had picked it up off of Izzie's coffee table, after her friend had told her to read it.

"I kissed you when you came in and then you said you were tired." Derek said.

"I know it's just... never mind." Meredith groaned.

"What?" Derek asked, putting his magazine on the bedside table.

"You've been acting weird; you said we needed to talk."

"I'm not acting weird.

"You are."

"How?"

"You just...we were fine and then you started being weird."

"You said there were big things."

"So, you're being weird and mad because of the big things?"

"I'm not mad." Derek said.

"All I said was that the stuff I want...I meant them but that they were all really big and..."

"So big that we're not going to be okay?"

"Seriously?"

"That's what it seemed like you meant earlier."

"How did it seem like that?" Meredith slammed her magazine shut.

"Because you were talking about how we were going to have to figure things out." Derek replied, turning to face her.

"Yeah we are."

"Things like what?"

"The big stuff Derek!" Meredith snapped. "The whole living situation...Dawsyn...money...everything...damn it the babies Derek!"

"Why are you yelling at me?"

"Because...you don't seem to get this...and when I was nervous about it earlier...you got weird."

"Because I was afraid." Derek breathed.

"Yeah...me too because these things change people Derek."

"That's not what I was scared of."

"Then what?"

"You...us...not working out again." He whispered.

"Well, it won't if we keep arguing about this stuff."

"There's nothing to argue about...We both want the same things."

"Then, say it."

"I want...everything with you." Derek whispered.

"You freaked out."

"No I didn't..."

"You did and now you're still being weird." Meredith shook her head.

"I'm afraid you're going to leave me." Derek whispered.

"What?"

"Yeah."

"Derek...that's silly." Meredith whispered.

"No it's not."

"If you're going to freak out...freak out about something big."

"I already had one wife leave me."

"I'm not your wife...and I wouldn't just leave." Meredith rolled her eyes. "The freaking out should come from the bigger things. Like the money...which clearly is an issue...and the baby thing...oh and the fact that Dawsyn comes with the package. Freak out about that stuff."

"I love Dawsyn...Dawsyn isn't an issue."

"She is though...and you don't realize that." Meredith hissed, before lowering her tone. "She just is…"

"How?"

"Because as much as you love her...she's not yours. I mean she is but she isn't. And when you have your own...you'll realize those things."

"I want our own...I want babies with you..."

"And I want those things...Daws wants those things, but she can't...I'm nervous she could get lost in the mix."

"No..."

"No?"

"She's already like my daughter." Derek whispered. "She's...I love her so much..."

"I know..." Meredith replied. "I see that but...never mind."

"No. What is it?"

"Nothing."

"You don't get to do that."

"I can actually do whatever I feel like so..."

"Fine."

"This isn't going to work if we always fight about the same things."

"We're not fighting."

"Okay." Meredith picked her magazine back up.

"Meredith."

"What?"

"I don't want to fight with you...I just...Am I really what you want?"

"Yes!" She snapped.

"I had to ask..."

"You're an idiot but unfortunately yes...you are what I really want." Meredith turned the page.

"Unfortunately?" Derek asked.

"Currently...yes."

"We're going to fight...It happens..."

"Sure...yeah...got it."

"What do you want me to do?" Derek snapped.

"I want you to admit we have bigger problems!"

"I know that."

"Okay." Meredith groaned.

"Everything was fine." He whispered.

"Yeah, it was."

"What happened?"

"I started getting nervous...you freaked out and here we are."

"I'm nervous too."

"I just...I've done this alone for so long." Meredith bit her lip, sitting the magazine to the side. "I've worked...and I don't make the money you do and as of now..I never will. I've parented on my own...you haven't. Derek I never let myself want more then just Daws and I because I couldn't and...I was getting scared because all of that is going to change...except the money and Daws."

"But it's going to change in a good way."

"But I can't be the waitress wife or girlfriend of the surgeon forever."

"And that's what I'm afraid of."

"There is always going to be a difference there."

"A difference that we can get past...If you want to..."

"I do...I just know it's going to cause issues."

"I want to give you and Dawsyn things...but I'm not...I don't want it be a problem."

"You're not...I just...Derek unless there is some miracle...I will never be equal in job ranking...I won't be able to afford maternity leave and sick days when the kids are sick...I can't even afford them now."

"I just...What if..."

"I just don't...I'm strong but I can't handle fighting over this."

"We don't have to fight."

"I know...and I shouldn't argue about it all the time...I just know there is a difference, and you have a family."

"The two of you are my family."

"You have a mother and a sister who will always know you settled."

"I'm not settling...You're the one that I want."

"And I want you to want me."

"I do want you."

"I want to make you happy...but I don't want to worry you that I can't hold up my part of the bargain." Meredith sighed. "I don't want to be whiny...I don't want to worry about money...or our relationship suffering from it. I just want..."

"Let's just be us."

"Us is good...us is great until I can't give our kids the same great things you can." Meredith admitted quietly.

"If we're together...it's both of us giving it to them."

"I don't want to complain...I don't want this to bother me."

"But it does...And if it bothers you, then it bothers me."

"I just want to be happy...I love that I get the chance to be happy with you." Meredith fixed the covers, shaking her head a little.

"Let's just...for this year...be us...No big decisions...Just being together."

"That's...and just being us...with Daws?" Meredith whispered, pushing hair behind her ears.

"Just us being us with Daws...Being happy and building our life together." Derek replied.

"Okay..." Meredith nodded.

"Except for the house...The big decisions about the house we make together."

"The house...the expensive house."

"The house that I was going to build anyway."

"Right." She nodded, trying to believe him.

"You'll work...and I'll work and we'll save money together...and when its time for us to move or have kids...you won't have to worry about those things."

"And hopefully I will get a job with better hours and pay, or I'll be making more serving."

"Just...I want you do something you like, Mer."

"I do to...and serving's not that bad..."

"I want you do something you love...Something that you dreamed of doing." Derek whispered.

"I'm not going back into medschool." Meredith replied.

"Is that what you want to do?"

"A few years ago I still wanted to but...it's too late for that." Meredith whispered, her fingers playing with the fabric of the blanket. "I mean it's not too late but it is for me...right now. I know there are other things I would do…if I chose too but those take time."

"Like what?"

"Science teacher." Meredith giggled, looking away from him. "Science teacher or...kindergarten."

"Then ya know what?" Derek whispered.

"What?"

"You work this job...and save money and go back to school to be a teacher...and do something you love."

"You remember I have a daughter right?" Meredith asked, looking at him strangely.

"Yeah."

"She still has to eat and wear clothes..."

"So you work for a year...two years...and save the money...And I'll help."

"So you want me to work...save money then drop everything to go to school?"

"If that's what you want to do."

"All of that school...that's going to set me back." Meredith sighed, thinking of all the advantages and disadvantages. "I can't ask you to pay for everything while I go to school."

"No...But I'll pay for half." Derek said.

"And what happens with Dawsyn and the house while you're working...and I'm not?"

"That's something we can figure out."

"I don't know..."

"I want you to do something you really want...And I want to be able to help you."

"I don't...if I went back to school I would be home more and..."

"You could be with Daws more."

"You want me to be a Mom?"

"I want you to be a Mom." Derek smiled.

"I'm not used to someone helping me." Meredith breathed.

"I know...but I want to do it...and you can be at home...and be with our kids..." He whispered.

"Our...oh..."

"Be big and pregnant." He smiled.

"I...I could hit you right now." Meredith hit his arm playfully, before a small giggle escaped her lips.

"I know."

"I..." Meredith smiled. "I have to think about this. I've never...I've always done this on my own."

"If you want me to...I want to do it with you. I want to do it all with you."

"You want me to be a housewife for a few years?" Meredith cocked an eyebrow.

"I want you to do what makes you happy." Derek said

"I..." Meredith crossed her arms, looking straight ahead at the hall of the trailer. "I just...I could...I have to think about it. I mean I could go to school and then right back to work after..."

"If that's what you want, then that's what I want." Derek said, kissing the side of her head.

"I just don't want you to have to pay for things...especially for Dawsyn." Meredith frowned, feeling completely and utterly uneasy about this whole issue of the money matter.

"Half."

"I don't like talking about this."

"Half." Derek repeated.

"No...I don't want to talk about this." She bit her lip. "We don't have to talk about this right now…"

"Yes we do."

"What?"

"Half...I'm paying for half for us and for Dawsyn...If I was her dad...Half."

"Oh...you want...like a family...type thing?" Meredith kept nodding, biting the inside of her cheek. Like he was her father, he thought with the idea of Dawsyn in mind.

"I want like a family type thing." Derek smiled.

"So when my income is zero...from school and apparently having babies..."

"I'm here."

"You plan on keeping me pregnant for a few years, don't you?" Meredith giggled.

"It's quite possible." He laughed.

"Oh Good."

"So we're going to do this?"

"I um...we...yeah...I just...let's get past this year and I'll just work a lot to make money to save and...sure." Meredith agreed, still trying to convince herself that this was right.

"Okay."

"Okay." Meredith whispered.

"I love you..."

"Love you too..." She said so quickly, the words overlapped. She had an idea, or she thought she might have an idea of what she really wanted to do. She might actually be able to have some other career that wasn't quite a doctor, or a surgeon but she really was starting to believe she could be something else. There was always a backup plan before Daws, why not now? She might actually be able to do this.

"Slow down..." He laughed, taking her hand.

"Okay...I want to be a kindergarten teacher."

"You'll be an amazing kindergarten teacher...a very hot kindergarten teacher."

"I mean...It's going to take a while so having kids first...that makes sense." Meredith rambled. "I mean study…be a mom…get pregnant…all makes some sort of sense. Like a pattern for me."

"Yeah..."

"I mean...we can't just rush...I might change my mind because I don't want you to pay for anything..."

"I'm paying for some things."

"This is killing me." She admitted softly, looking at him.

"I know it is...But you just have to let me do this...for me. Okay?"

"Okay...just tell me it's okay..." She requested.

"It's okay."

"Okay."

"And if I go poor...we'll just live in the trailer." Derek teased.

"Not funny." Meredith rolled her eyes. "Are you going to help me study when I start classes in a year?"

"You bet." Derek smiled.

"And if this destroys us?"

"It won't."

"Okay." She whispered, resting her head on his shoulder.

"I love you too much to let that happen again." He whispered.

"I love you...and I won't let it happen either." She whispered, pressing a kiss against his shoulder. For the first time Meredith was making a plan to give control fully to someone else. She was going to have some actual control over her life, but she was letting someone else help her and take care of her. Derek wasn't going to take anything away from them, she realized he just wanted to give her more.

That was hard to accept, especially after all these years. For once, she was getting a chance to do something. Being a waitress and having those other jobs weren't bad, they just were not the jobs that she always wanted. She had wanted to be a surgeon, and she had gotten so close, but there was no real practical way that she could just start right back up after eleven years and she didn't want to invest another twelve years of this into her life. But that was okay, because the more Meredith thought about her other idea, teaching, she was happy. Teaching would make her completely content. She was scared, really scared but Derek was giving her a second chance to do what she really loved and to have a family.